To not want DH to spend Christmas with his family

[elderberryspokes]

I normally wouldn?t dream of posting something like this on a public forum, but would really appreciate some advice, as I honestly don?t know whether this is just hormones making me completely unreasonable or indeed if I am just being a selfish cow!

I am 8 weeks pregnant and feeling rather rotten and pukey. I married my DH in August and so this will be our first Christmas as husband and wife.

DH is adamant that he is spending Christmas Day and Boxing Day with his family in London. We live in Yorkshire, and for the last three years Christmas has looked like this:

2009 ? My Parents

2010 ? His Parents

2011 ? Our House (my parents and his parents came to Christmas dinner).

This year my sister is coming up for the first time in three years ? she lives over 300 miles away and I only see her a couple of times a year. There?s also a family party on Christmas Day night in honour of my Gran who died a couple of months ago. I?m unable to go as I don?t drive and my Dad?s house is 30 miles away, which is quite upsetting, as are the Christmas cards that keep coming through from friends and relatives congratulating us on our first married Christmas together :(

I spoke to DH last night about how unhappy I have been feeling and he said that it is not an ideal situation but we just have to get on with it this year, as it will be the last year we can both go to our respective parents (meaning that next year we will have a baby). I do understand where he is coming from and know how desperate he is to have Christmas like he did when he was younger ? i.e. out with his friends on Christmas Eve, going out to various family friends on Christmas Day, big party on Boxing Day at his Aunt and Uncles. He?s said that if he does not go down then he will not have as good a Christmas because he will be away from his family. I also understand that because I feel awful leaving my family to spend Christmas with his.

However, I am left with the certainty that if he goes down on Christmas Day then I won?t have as good a Christmas because I?ll miss him, especially as I?m feeling ill and want him around more (which has been exacerbated by the fact that he has been working late in the run up to Christmas ? obviously he cannot help that). He admitted last night that he probably wouldn?t miss me as much as Christmas at his parents? house is so busy and fun so he?ll have more distractions.

I am so confused right now. I don?t know if I should keep bringing it up or leave things as they are and try and enjoy Christmas in the same way I would have done before I met him (we?ve been together for ten years). I really want to stress that the rest of the time he is a wonderful husband and I love him to pieces but he?s refusing to come to any compromise ? i.e. spending Christmas Day together and going to the party on Boxing Day, or spending Christmas Day apart and Boxing Day together. I?m back at work on the 27th so when he does get back I?ll only see him in the evenings as he is off work.

This situation just doesn?t feel right to me....

Sorry X posted.

But I think your decision to spend time with your sister and go to your family party is no different to his to go and be with his family tbh.

It's not his fault that you have to work, and I'm sure his family will be disappointed not to see him.

Why can't you have your more sedate Christmas with your family?

Sleighbells seriously? Are you usually that dramatic? Are you still married?

Your 2nd post just makes it worse; you don't even have the option of going with him. You say he's a wonderful husband, but this, IMO, is quite the opposite of wonderful behaviour. I would be really, really upset if my DH was doing this.

Actually, I think it more than odd. When a woman is pregnant I think it is a time when her partner truly shows his credentials as a husband and future father. He should be loving and cherishing her, maybe even indulging her at times if appropriate, and starting to display his worth.

He isn't doing too well so far.

I think he is BU.

When did this decision of his come about?

You spent Christmas together last year, now you are married, so I would have thought it would be logical to spend it together again. If he really wants a lads day out, he could perhaps re-organize one for New Year? Or go up for Boxing Day? But to just leave you alone over Christmas is not on, especially when you are feeling sick.

I think given you are not able to make your family Christmas party, he is being incredibly selfish to take off for several days! And to make you feel you are a second-best choice for him at Christmas time.

I would go through the roof, I really would.

It is really not the norm for a married couple to spend Christmas in different places, and especially not if it means leaving you alone while you're not well from a pregnancy.

You should be his number one priority. He has it all wrong. I have no idea how you could convey this to him though. Would his family support your POV? If he was my DS I would certainly expect him to be spending Christmas with you.

The thing is, both your families came to you last year so its now no longer anyones 'turn' like it was on the previous years.

I can't see how he is being any more unreasonable than you are.

You both want to go to your respective parents houses, you are both (by the sound of it) going to go where you like regardless.

Someone has to compromise I don't see why he is awful for not backing down anymore than you are tbh.

Sometimes men who are nice boyfriends become shitty husbands and crappy fathers.

Looks like you've married a dud.

A good 'un would not act as though your first Christmas as a married couple, with your first baby on the way and you not feeling well, was the time to go and pretend he was single one last time.

He'd want to make Christmas as pleasant for you as possible.

Btw, people talking about her going to her family Christmas party, am I missing something?

She says in the OP: There?s also a family party on Christmas Day night in honour of my Gran who died a couple of months ago. I?m unable to go as I don?t drive and my Dad?s house is 30 miles away

So he has seen his parents last Christmas and the Christmas before and wants to see them again this Christmas?

No, I think YANBU.

Obviously you can't go as you have stated you are working on the 27th Dec and your sister is making a rare visit.

I can see why he wants one last child free Christmas down the pub etc, but I don't think that's a strong enough argument to leave his newly married pregnant wife so he can do so without her.

You should spend this one together at your home and then alternate after that.

He is BU, not you. I can't believe he would even want to leave you!

He has seen his family the last 2 years so it's not like he's missed out.

He sounds very very selfish imo.

Neither me nor dh would treat each other like this. And if we couldn't agree then we would compromise.

Imvho, this doesn't sound like a loving husband or father to be. I foresee trouble ahead.

Thanks, OHforDUCKSchristmasCake ? I do think some of the responses are a bit OTT when they do not know DH. He is a very nice man and this is not an indication of how he usually behaves. In fact, I would go as far as to say this is the worst situation we have been in since we first got together ten years ago, hence my confusion (and reluctance to initially post). I would usually ask his Mum for advice as we?re really close, but I don?t want to put her in that situation when it?s her son.

I have offered a compromise (I?m sure at one point he said he would go to the party on Boxing Day but spend Christmas with me, but he told me last night that I told him to go to his parents ? I have no recollection of this!)

So in effect he's made it impossible for you to go with him, irrespective of whether you want to or not, by refusing to come home until after you have to go back to work?

OP can't get herself home on 26th on her own because she doesn't drive. There are no trains on Boxing Day (other than the tube, to and from airports, and in Scotland).

So what he's done is separate himself from his pregnant, poorly and recently bereaved wife. Lovely.

"he told me last night that I told him to go to his parents ? I have no recollection of this"

That's called gaslighting.

He has, in effect made it impossible for you to go with him too.

Honestly, I think he is behaving disgustingly.

Well the compromise could be that you both go to his and travel back up on Boxing Day evening so that you can return to work.

If you don't fancy his family's proposals for Christmas (FWIW I chucked up every day for 36 weeks in all three of my pregnancies, so sympathise with the morning sickness) AND you want to see your family, just go to your parents.

Next year I GUARANTEE you will want it your way or the high way.

I can see this is all bound up with thinking a newly-weds you "should" be together but if you both want to do different things, just do them. Skype him to say happy christmas. I bet he will miss you more than he thinks.

So you've spent the last 3 years together at Christmas, but you won't be this year, because you're now married and are expecting a baby? How did he cope without Christmas Eve with his mates and the loving embrace of his parents house in 2009 and 2011??

I get the people saying 'why should he compromise?' but this is a special year for OP's family because of her Gran. And why shouldn't he compromise?

OP, if he goes down to his parents, is there no way you can go to yours? You said it was 30 miles away but not why this is a problem. If you can't/don't drive can someone not come and collect you and you stay there for a couple of days?

"In fact, I would go as far as to say this is the worst situation we have been in since we first got together ten years ago"

So he chooses to start acting like a twat and treating you like shut once you are pregnant?

Yup, seen this before.

Honestly, nice men who really love you don't do things like this.

You'll always know that when you were first married and pregnant and such that his first concern was getting pissed with his mates.

Brady - she has tried to suggest compromise - see her last paragraph. He won't compromise. Being the only one to compromise (i.e. her going off to do things with her family whilst he stays) will store up resentment for the future IME.

If you could drive, or if one of your family would collect you and take you home over Christmas, would you feel differently about him going?

Why can't you stay overnight at your parents?

elder - if this is such very out of character behaviour, do you have any sense of why he's doing it?

It is really pretty off. I know people sometimes don't see how badly they're behaving for some reason, so maybe if you can work out what it is, he will see the light.

I imagine if his mum is someone you get on with, she will give him pretty short shrift for this idea, too?

Btw, if you don't manage to get him to see sense I think you should do what freddos says, get someone to take you to your family for Christmas. Or get a taxi? It will be pricey for a 30m journey but it'd be pricey to travel anywhere, so maybe worth it.