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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DH to spend Christmas with his family

319 replies

elderberryspokes · 14/12/2012 13:07

I normally wouldn?t dream of posting something like this on a public forum, but would really appreciate some advice, as I honestly don?t know whether this is just hormones making me completely unreasonable or indeed if I am just being a selfish cow!

I am 8 weeks pregnant and feeling rather rotten and pukey. I married my DH in August and so this will be our first Christmas as husband and wife.

DH is adamant that he is spending Christmas Day and Boxing Day with his family in London. We live in Yorkshire, and for the last three years Christmas has looked like this:

2009 ? My Parents

2010 ? His Parents

2011 ? Our House (my parents and his parents came to Christmas dinner).

This year my sister is coming up for the first time in three years ? she lives over 300 miles away and I only see her a couple of times a year. There?s also a family party on Christmas Day night in honour of my Gran who died a couple of months ago. I?m unable to go as I don?t drive and my Dad?s house is 30 miles away, which is quite upsetting, as are the Christmas cards that keep coming through from friends and relatives congratulating us on our first married Christmas together :(

I spoke to DH last night about how unhappy I have been feeling and he said that it is not an ideal situation but we just have to get on with it this year, as it will be the last year we can both go to our respective parents (meaning that next year we will have a baby). I do understand where he is coming from and know how desperate he is to have Christmas like he did when he was younger ? i.e. out with his friends on Christmas Eve, going out to various family friends on Christmas Day, big party on Boxing Day at his Aunt and Uncles. He?s said that if he does not go down then he will not have as good a Christmas because he will be away from his family. I also understand that because I feel awful leaving my family to spend Christmas with his.

However, I am left with the certainty that if he goes down on Christmas Day then I won?t have as good a Christmas because I?ll miss him, especially as I?m feeling ill and want him around more (which has been exacerbated by the fact that he has been working late in the run up to Christmas ? obviously he cannot help that). He admitted last night that he probably wouldn?t miss me as much as Christmas at his parents? house is so busy and fun so he?ll have more distractions.

I am so confused right now. I don?t know if I should keep bringing it up or leave things as they are and try and enjoy Christmas in the same way I would have done before I met him (we?ve been together for ten years). I really want to stress that the rest of the time he is a wonderful husband and I love him to pieces but he?s refusing to come to any compromise ? i.e. spending Christmas Day together and going to the party on Boxing Day, or spending Christmas Day apart and Boxing Day together. I?m back at work on the 27th so when he does get back I?ll only see him in the evenings as he is off work.

This situation just doesn?t feel right to me....

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 15/12/2012 13:56

Elder, this may be your thread but you don't need to take every comment as a personal slight towards you

Sometimes convos go off on a bit of a tangent

Good luck with your test

forgetmenots · 15/12/2012 16:43

Perfectly valid reasons why some people can't drive (me included, I'm afraid). The point stands though that when I can't automatically get somewhere I find a way, cough up for a taxi, get public transport etc. that's how it's got to be, can't depend on other people chauffeuring you about!

I'm just glad to see the thread has gotten somewhat back to normal.

YouOldTinsellySlag · 15/12/2012 17:23

I object strongly to the non driving bashing on here! I spent three years and two grand and am not a safe driver. FYI I never ask for lifts and I find these ridiculous generalisations about non drivers offensive. i gave it everything I had and I just wasn't safe. Would you like a driver like me on the roads after failing two tests with 8 serious and 19 minor faults in my second test? I also can't ride a bike either. What a lazy cow I am!

As for you samandi, I'm not pro choice,I have had to have a termination for medical reasons and felt horribly judged, so don't make ignorant assumptions about me.

Sorry to the rest of you, just having a rant.

TrillsCarolsOutOfTune · 15/12/2012 17:25

8 serious faults - didn't they cut the test short after the first 5?

I also object to the non-driver bashing.

YouOldTinsellySlag · 15/12/2012 17:29

Thanks Trills. They didn't stop the test, but he did give me a tissue after I left tyremarks across the test centre car park at the end.

It annoys me when people think non drivers are on the scrounge for lifts all the time. All non drivers I know are experts on public transport timetables and walk a hell of a lot more than many drivers!

TrillsCarolsOutOfTune · 15/12/2012 17:32

Some people who do drive annoying or whiny or try to get lots of favours but never do any favours in return - it's a personality type not a result of not driving.

Tigresswoods · 15/12/2012 17:36

Hmm I don't think he's BU. I doubt you'll ever spend Christmas apart again. Let him do his thing & go & enjoy seeing your sister.

Daddelion · 15/12/2012 17:56

Just as an aside to the non-driver part of the thread.

My life didn't really change until about a week before the birth of our first child, for the mother it changed when she found out she was pregnant.

She used to drive everywhere when she was pregnant, it was brilliant.

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot · 15/12/2012 18:06

OP just a warning for you... My exP used to follow my threads on here. He set up a screen name to post on them. Posters all told me that an equal, happy relationship does not include internet stalking. They were right, and things only got worse.

Please be careful.

FromEsme · 15/12/2012 18:07

God, I don't drive but I don't think I'm annoying. It doesn't affect anyone else at all, don't remember the last time I asked for a lift anywhere.

People are so bloody judgemental about every little thing.

Gay40 · 15/12/2012 18:22

Hang on - first you said he found this thread himself after a search (creepy)
Then you said you directed him to it (weird)
You asked for opinions, then got them, then brought your "husband" in to put his side. Then get narky and defensive. All over the issue of where you would all be for Christmas?
C'mon luv - it will all be grand once you both grow up a bit.

LRDtheFeministDude · 15/12/2012 18:39

No, he said he found the thread himself. With a search that only started coming up on google after a few people on the thread had quoted the terms, since they'd not previously been used ... but that could be one of those quirks, maybe.

They're different people, gay, they're probably remembering it slightly differently, but getting angry with advice in a very similar way because married people end up sounding similar. Or something. It's all very understandable, anyway.

Original poster

elderberryspokes · 15/12/2012 19:48

This will (really) be my last post as I don?t think there is much else that I can add that will convince those people that I am some kind of emotionally abusive relationship that I'm not. Hey ho...

I made the original post, regretted it, then stewed for a while before emailing DH at work to say that I?d posted a question about our problem on MN and felt a bit guilty / embarrassed by the response (and why shouldn?t I tell him? I tell him everything else, and he does the same with me ? isn?t that normal behaviour in a husband and wife who love and trust each other?) I think if he had posted something about me on a forum and then told me that what he had posted had caused him to feel guilty, then I would be very curious to see what he had actually written and what the response had been ? I don?t think that?s weird or creepy, I think it is human nature, if you're being talked about, to want to know what has been said.

Finally, the issue is a lot more complicated than where we would be spending Christmas. There are things going on in our respective lives that were too long-winded to go into in the initial post. Over the last ten years our communication has been great and we have always been able to compromise, but in the last month between my raging hormones and morning sickness and his mental schedule we?ve been distanced from each other. The issue about what to do at Christmas has brought things to a head and ended up in the situation being sorted out and that distance being closed.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night, etc.

PS. Sorry for being snarky about the driving. I am one of the few people in the world who actually quite likes public transport!

OP posts:

BOFingSanta · 15/12/2012 19:54

Merry Christmas to you too.

forgetmenots · 15/12/2012 20:00

Merry Christmas elderberry and elder's DH

Gay40 · 15/12/2012 22:32

I'm not buying into any of this nonsense.

Gay40 · 15/12/2012 22:37

BTW, you did say everything was rock solid apart from this minor issue. Then it turns out not quite to be so.....
I rest my case.

BiBiBroccoli · 15/12/2012 23:18

oh leave her alone FGS.

Merry Christmas Elder!

GoldQuintessenceAndMyhrr · 16/12/2012 09:13

The op doth protest too much.

Not sure why she feels the need to try convince us. Think it is herself she is convincing. With gay40 on this.

Anyway. Merry Christmas.

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