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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to spend Christmas with his family

319 replies

elderberryspokes · 14/12/2012 13:07

I normally wouldn?t dream of posting something like this on a public forum, but would really appreciate some advice, as I honestly don?t know whether this is just hormones making me completely unreasonable or indeed if I am just being a selfish cow!

I am 8 weeks pregnant and feeling rather rotten and pukey. I married my DH in August and so this will be our first Christmas as husband and wife.

DH is adamant that he is spending Christmas Day and Boxing Day with his family in London. We live in Yorkshire, and for the last three years Christmas has looked like this:

2009 ? My Parents

2010 ? His Parents

2011 ? Our House (my parents and his parents came to Christmas dinner).

This year my sister is coming up for the first time in three years ? she lives over 300 miles away and I only see her a couple of times a year. There?s also a family party on Christmas Day night in honour of my Gran who died a couple of months ago. I?m unable to go as I don?t drive and my Dad?s house is 30 miles away, which is quite upsetting, as are the Christmas cards that keep coming through from friends and relatives congratulating us on our first married Christmas together :(

I spoke to DH last night about how unhappy I have been feeling and he said that it is not an ideal situation but we just have to get on with it this year, as it will be the last year we can both go to our respective parents (meaning that next year we will have a baby). I do understand where he is coming from and know how desperate he is to have Christmas like he did when he was younger ? i.e. out with his friends on Christmas Eve, going out to various family friends on Christmas Day, big party on Boxing Day at his Aunt and Uncles. He?s said that if he does not go down then he will not have as good a Christmas because he will be away from his family. I also understand that because I feel awful leaving my family to spend Christmas with his.

However, I am left with the certainty that if he goes down on Christmas Day then I won?t have as good a Christmas because I?ll miss him, especially as I?m feeling ill and want him around more (which has been exacerbated by the fact that he has been working late in the run up to Christmas ? obviously he cannot help that). He admitted last night that he probably wouldn?t miss me as much as Christmas at his parents? house is so busy and fun so he?ll have more distractions.

I am so confused right now. I don?t know if I should keep bringing it up or leave things as they are and try and enjoy Christmas in the same way I would have done before I met him (we?ve been together for ten years). I really want to stress that the rest of the time he is a wonderful husband and I love him to pieces but he?s refusing to come to any compromise ? i.e. spending Christmas Day together and going to the party on Boxing Day, or spending Christmas Day apart and Boxing Day together. I?m back at work on the 27th so when he does get back I?ll only see him in the evenings as he is off work.

This situation just doesn?t feel right to me....

OP posts:
MerylStrop · 14/12/2012 13:42

You could get a taxi there or - gosh - public transport - on Christmas Eve?

Songbird · 14/12/2012 13:42

Sorry, I missed the bit where you don't drive, and I'd forgotten the bit about your sister - even more reason!

LRDtheFeministDude · 14/12/2012 13:45

maryl - gosh - not everywhere has public transport! Hmm

Personally I would feel ashamed if I went off for several days leaving my puking spouse alone, even if the bus from her house to her dad's went from outside our door to outside his door, but typically it doesn't work like that.

squeakytoy · 14/12/2012 13:46

I dont subscribe to the view that once you get married your parents cease to be "family".. of course they are still your close family ... but once married, things like Christmas should be done with your spouse, not one going to one and the other going to theirs...

CinnabarRed · 14/12/2012 13:47

MerylStrop - no public transport on Boxing Day. No buses, no trains. So she can't get back from her parents under her own steam any more than she can get back from London.

She may be able to cadge a lift. Or book a taxi. Can't claim to know her financial situation to pay for a taxi, or indeed whether her family would be able to transport her.

But why should she have to go to so much trouble to avoid spending Christmas alone, when she has a 'D'H who should be looking after his pregnant and unwell wife?

supadupapupascupa · 14/12/2012 13:47

OP he has spent the last 2 christmas's with his parents. He is now a married man and should be with you this year. As you are unwell, you should BOTH be staying home. I would have a word with his parents and tell them how unhappy you are with the situation but reassure them it is nothing prsonal but you need your husband with you right now and you can go to them next year. Seriously I would be WELL pissed off at this. It is not worth falling out over...he needs to get a grip!

diddl · 14/12/2012 13:48

He sounds an absolute selfish immature twat tbh.

How about Christmas just the two of you?

You are his family now.

I don´t get adults having to see Mummy & Daddy on Cday tbh.

adeucalione · 14/12/2012 13:49

Could he take you to your parents' house on Xmas Eve, and then one of your parents could run you home on Boxing Day?

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 14/12/2012 13:50

I think if you can't get him "too see sense" you should tell him not to bother to come back on the 27th.

If having a pregnant wife to be kind to is too much trouble for him, he should stay in London on the piss permanently.

Treats · 14/12/2012 13:50

I can kind of understand his POV - DH and I didn't spend our first Christmases together as a married couple because we both wanted to go home and see our own folks and it was more important to each of us to do that, rather than spend Christmas together. We did other things together over the holidays - we just didn't spend actual Christmas Day in the same place. I can actually sympathise with him saying he won't enjoy Christmas as much if he's not with his own family, because this is just how I used to feel.

BUT:

It was what we both wanted
I wasn't pregnant.

I think the restrictions placed by the distances and the fact that you have to work on 27th are going to make it difficult to compromise here.

If he REALLY wants to go, can the two of you do something together in the weekend before Christmas so that you feel you've had a 'proper' Christmas together? Can you travel back by yourself on Boxing Day? Can you compromise on going together to his parents for Christmas Day and then coming back Boxing Day? Can you arrange to see your sister another time?

CinnabarRed · 14/12/2012 13:51

Normally I'm a see-all-sides-to-it shades-of-grey (not that shades of grey) type person, but I'm genuinely shocked that (a) he thinks this is reasonable; and (b) there are posters on here who agree with him.

Why do so many men not seem to understand that their lives must change as soon as a baby is conceived?

MrsLyman · 14/12/2012 13:54

OP am I right in assuming that you live near your family base and he lives away from his?

I live away from my family but near DH's I would be mightly fuvked off if DH decided that we had to stay here for Christmas based on his brothers plans instead of us going to my home town and he'd be less than impressed if he had to do 2 years in a row away from home Yes he saw his parents last year but what about extended family, friends etc. So overall I would say YABU as it's his turn to go home.

CinnabarRed · 14/12/2012 13:54

She's going to be on her own, ill, on Christmas Day FFS. How can he even contemplate that?

I'm really, really angry on your behalf OP.

CinnabarRed · 14/12/2012 13:55

MrsLyman - she's not going to be with friends or family on Christmas Day because she doesn't have transport. She's going to be on her own. How is that right?

mamaslatts · 14/12/2012 13:56

He is behaving like a bit of a shit. He has said that the situation is not 'ideal' but surely for him it is ideal because he will be doing exactly what he wants?

You won't be doing what you want at all as you won't be with your DH, you are unable to drive so will miss out on your family party so will it just be you and your sister christmas day? Can she drive?

Your dh sounds like he's acting about 12, wanting to go drinking with mates xmas eve, then parties with his family all round on christmas day but never mind, cos he won't miss you as much. And by the time he comes home, you will be back at work. When exactly is he making time for you??

Treats · 14/12/2012 13:56

Oh - read some of the other posts. You won't be able to travel back by yourself on Boxing Day.

Is it true that you'd actually be on your own on Christmas Day and not with your own family - because you can't get there?

In which case, I withdraw my earlier post - he's being extremely unreasonable! At the very least, he should take you to his parents and drive you back on Boxing Day.

But - even better - you should spend it with your family because of your sister and your Gran.

And then it would mean that his parents get first dibs next year for that all-important first Christmas with the grandchild - could you try that argument?

AllOverIt · 14/12/2012 13:57

YANBU. He doesn't sound that 'wonderful' a husband to me. I'd be Angry

CinnabarRed · 14/12/2012 13:59

I actually think that his family Christmas sounds marvellous. I can understand why, all things being equal, he would want to participate in all of that.

But he can't (or shouldn't). Because all things aren't equal now. He has a wife and an unborn child to consider.

Do his parents know that you're pregant, being only 8 weeks? Or about the morning sickness. If not, I bet his mum would be horrified that he's even thinking about leaving you alone.

diddl · 14/12/2012 14:00

"So overall I would say YABU as it's his turn to go home."

He´s a fucking adult, newly married with a baby on the way-and he wants to go "home".

Bless!

Pandemoniaa · 14/12/2012 14:00

He?s said that if he does not go down then he will not have as good a Christmas because he will be away from his family.

But you are his family.

If it suits couples to be apart at Christmas then that's no problem. However, I can't understand why your dh seems to think that this arrangement is reasonable given your feelings about it.

I do think that taking turns can be very divisive though. Much better to make your own Christmas traditions and perhaps see family over the Christmas break rather than making Christmas Day into a constant compromise.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 14/12/2012 14:01

I wouldn't be angry.

I would be devastated at such a complete lack of love and partnership at such an important time.

I can't get my head around a newly married man with a newly pregnant wife thinking like a single teenager and just planning to please himself with no thought of her.

2cats2many · 14/12/2012 14:03

I spent the first christmas I was pregnant seperate from my DH. He did exactly what your DH wants to do and had one last 'on the lash' Christmas time with his brothers and friends.

My advice is to try and let him go and enjoy it. As long as you've agreed that this is the last time and that everything will be different when the baby comes, then let him go. Don't go to war over it.

I don't really understand why you are going to be on your own on Christmas day. Can't one of your family pick you up in the morning so you can have Christmas with them?

diddl · 14/12/2012 14:03

"I do think that taking turns can be very divisive though."

Yup.

We stayed put & parents came to us Christmas Day.

Although they lived a similar distance away, so no issue with the travelling in that way.

Original poster
elderberryspokes · 14/12/2012 14:03

Please everyone stop judging my DH?s entire character based on this situation! I?ve known him for ten years ? he is my best friend, and this is not an indication of his usual behaviour. It is this specific situation that I wanted to get some advice on before speaking to him again tonight.

I don?t honestly think he realises the enormity of the effect it is having on me because he wouldn?t act like this otherwise. He is usually very thoughtful. I also know that in his mind his priorities will completely shift when the baby is born and that is likely the reason for his determination to have one last old-style family Christmas. This year my circumstances are very awkward so I have been the one putting blockers up, effectively. I know the situation is difficult for both of us so ideally I want to come to some kind of compromise that doesn?t mean spending so much of Christmas apart.

Thanks to everyone else for their more helpful advice :)

OP posts:
diddl · 14/12/2012 14:04

"I don't really understand why you are going to be on your own on Christmas day."

Because her husband would rather be pretending he´s single...

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