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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DH to spend Christmas with his family

319 replies

elderberryspokes · 14/12/2012 13:07

I normally wouldn?t dream of posting something like this on a public forum, but would really appreciate some advice, as I honestly don?t know whether this is just hormones making me completely unreasonable or indeed if I am just being a selfish cow!

I am 8 weeks pregnant and feeling rather rotten and pukey. I married my DH in August and so this will be our first Christmas as husband and wife.

DH is adamant that he is spending Christmas Day and Boxing Day with his family in London. We live in Yorkshire, and for the last three years Christmas has looked like this:

2009 ? My Parents

2010 ? His Parents

2011 ? Our House (my parents and his parents came to Christmas dinner).

This year my sister is coming up for the first time in three years ? she lives over 300 miles away and I only see her a couple of times a year. There?s also a family party on Christmas Day night in honour of my Gran who died a couple of months ago. I?m unable to go as I don?t drive and my Dad?s house is 30 miles away, which is quite upsetting, as are the Christmas cards that keep coming through from friends and relatives congratulating us on our first married Christmas together :(

I spoke to DH last night about how unhappy I have been feeling and he said that it is not an ideal situation but we just have to get on with it this year, as it will be the last year we can both go to our respective parents (meaning that next year we will have a baby). I do understand where he is coming from and know how desperate he is to have Christmas like he did when he was younger ? i.e. out with his friends on Christmas Eve, going out to various family friends on Christmas Day, big party on Boxing Day at his Aunt and Uncles. He?s said that if he does not go down then he will not have as good a Christmas because he will be away from his family. I also understand that because I feel awful leaving my family to spend Christmas with his.

However, I am left with the certainty that if he goes down on Christmas Day then I won?t have as good a Christmas because I?ll miss him, especially as I?m feeling ill and want him around more (which has been exacerbated by the fact that he has been working late in the run up to Christmas ? obviously he cannot help that). He admitted last night that he probably wouldn?t miss me as much as Christmas at his parents? house is so busy and fun so he?ll have more distractions.

I am so confused right now. I don?t know if I should keep bringing it up or leave things as they are and try and enjoy Christmas in the same way I would have done before I met him (we?ve been together for ten years). I really want to stress that the rest of the time he is a wonderful husband and I love him to pieces but he?s refusing to come to any compromise ? i.e. spending Christmas Day together and going to the party on Boxing Day, or spending Christmas Day apart and Boxing Day together. I?m back at work on the 27th so when he does get back I?ll only see him in the evenings as he is off work.

This situation just doesn?t feel right to me....

OP posts:

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 14/12/2012 14:23

I really don't understand why people are saying he's selfish for not wanting his last baby free Christmas to be spent with his family. I really really can't see it.

It's not his fault that OP can't drive, or that the sister is visiting, or that there's a get together on Christmas Day night, or most importantly, that OP has to work on the 27th!

CinnabarRed · 14/12/2012 14:23

Of course you had a mindset shift within a month of finding you were pregnant!

I would be willing to be all the money in my purse against all the money in yours that you stopped or significantly cut back on alcohol, changed your diet, took additional vitamin pills, reviewed your physical activities just in case, and probably started to feel like death.

wordfactory · 14/12/2012 14:24

So OP could go with her DH to his parents but he's refusing because two nights is not long enough for him and he wants to get pissed on Boxing Day?

Tell me that's not the situation!

Tellme people are not defending that!

FiercePanda · 14/12/2012 14:24

I don?t honestly think he realises the enormity of the effect it is having on me because he wouldn?t act like this otherwise.

So tell him. Be honest, brutally honest. Make it crystal clear how ill you're feeling, you're bereaved, and you need him with you. There will be other family Christmases, other parties and pub crawls where he can go out and act like a tool, other events that you can go to separately. This year, though, you're pregnant and vulnerable and you need him to be with you.

MerylStrop · 14/12/2012 14:24

Is there any way you can negotiate the 27th off work? (I know it doesn't work like that for a lot of people, but is it worth a try?)

Would you not spend Xmas day with your cousins and your mum's side of the family if you were at home? Where is your sister going to be?

squeakytoy · 14/12/2012 14:24

Your new years resolution should be to learn to drive. That would give you much more freedom and help to avoid this sort of situation cropping up next year.

2cats2many · 14/12/2012 14:25

Whatever happens, good luck with your pregnancy. Next Christmas will be just amazing with your little one here

CinnabarRed · 14/12/2012 14:25

So OP could go with her DH to his parents but he's refusing because two nights is not long enough for him and he wants to get pissed on Boxing Day?

Tell me that's not the situation!

Tell me people are not defending that!"

That's the situation. People are defending just that.

GreatUncleEddie · 14/12/2012 14:26

I think the point of marriage is that the two of you are family now. It's kind of expected that you will be together.

ZZZenAgain · 14/12/2012 14:27

HE knows the enormity of the effect on you because you have already told him and he said, it is not ideal (for you) but he won't miss you because he'll be busy and having a lot of fun. That you told us was his response to hearing how unhappy you are. Of course it is ideal for HIM so long as you don't get on his nerves about it. He knows you are pregnant, he knows when you go back to work, you've tried compromises and he refused them all. He knows exactly how much it bothers you, the point is he doesn't care about it. If he did, he would look for a compromise at the very least.

wordfactory · 14/12/2012 14:28

Sohe has to have xmas exactly how he wants it or he 'won't have a good time.' He can't compromise on one day and drive you home OP?

God help him once he has kids!

diddl · 14/12/2012 14:28

Well it´s an unusual year for OP isn´t it-as her sister will be visiting &there is a party planned.

I guess her husband isn´t bothered about those things-although he should be for her sake imo.

Apart from that, he´s not willing to come back in time for her to get back to work-so is effectively preventing her from going with him!

kerala · 14/12/2012 14:28

YANBU! Shocking. Once you get married you have to leave your childhood Christmas behind. My family are kind and fun and live in the country Christmases with them are heaven. DH family have zero social skills (think meals in silence) and are deeply odd and live on the edge of a depressing industrial town which DH was glad to leave and knows no one there. Yet we spent alternate Christmas there (even missing my grandmothers last Christmas) because thems the breaks when you get married. I would WAY rather have been with my family but hey thats what adults do.

wordfactory · 14/12/2012 14:29

OP, I suspect your family, his family and everyone you know will be shocked that he is refusing to spend xmas with you!

CinnabarRed · 14/12/2012 14:33

OP, I'm sorry to nag but I think it's important - so I'm going to ask again - do his family know that you're pregnant, and do they know that you're ill?

I think wordfactory has a very good point.

dinkystinky · 14/12/2012 14:37

Your DH is being very unreasonable. This is your last christmas as a couple together before the baby arrives - it is a special christmas for the two of you and he should be treating it as such, rather than deciding to go to his parents to go out on the razz. And there's nothing to stop you and baby going to his parents next year! We've travelled to GPs for xmas with 2 kids for ages..

MrsLyman · 14/12/2012 14:37

cinnabar so glad you know how I was feeling at 8 weeks pregnant, I wasn't drinking or smoking for other reasons at the time so just carried on as normal, with a heavy workload, two work trips and a half marathon. I definitely didn't turn into a mum over night.

ProbablyJustGas · 14/12/2012 14:38

I understand wanting to spend Xmas "back home". My family are all very far away, and I only see them a couple of times a year, Christmas usually being one of those times. So, it upsets me a lot to miss out on holidays with them too - they can't normally afford to visit me. But that said, now that I'm married, my family situation requires a lot of compromising at the holidays, so DH and I (and my relatives) make do.

OP, I would just weigh up which would feel worse for you - spending Christmas Day without your DH, or missing out on your Grandma's memorial party. Neither option is probably going to feel great, but there's probably one that will make you feel worse. If it is Option 1, see if you can get your sis to drop by yours either before or after Christmas, but before she leaves. If it is Option 2, let your DH go and miss you. He'll probably regret going once he's gotten his way, and probably won't make the same decision again.

Maybe if you can talk to him about how you feel, and he is up for it, you could flip a coin?

ZZZenAgain · 14/12/2012 14:40

you wanted a sounding board that told you that he is right although deep down you know full well he is not otherwise you wouldn't be upset and you wouldn't be posting about it. You wanted a sounding board that told you it doesn't matter if you are unhappy and that he sounds like a nice guy. You didn't get that, so the sounding board is wrong. Well, it is up to you. It doesn't affect the Christmas of anyone on here what you do in the end. It is your marriage and it is your life. The way conflicts are resolved in your relationship is not usual tbh in a mature and healthy relationship. It isn't usual that one partner makes up his/her mind and that is that, regardless of how the other person feels. You don't want to hear it I know, but nevertheless I am saying it: this is not a healthy attitude within a loving relationship. If it is a one-off that is one thing but I bet it will not be.

ProbablyJustGas · 14/12/2012 14:43

But if he won't compromise on Xmas at his parents to accommodate your needs, even if you go, then he is being immature. He doesn't need to get pissed on Boxing Day to have a good time and say Happy Holidays.

CinnabarRed · 14/12/2012 14:44

MrsLyman - it's because I have my telepathy switched on today

Seriously, I'm sorry about that post, it was heavyhanded in the extreme and you're absolutely right, I have no idea what you were like at 8 weeks pregnant.

Daddelion · 14/12/2012 14:45

Doesn't he realise that now he's married with a child on the way he's not allowed to be happy anymore?

The sooner he understands this the better.

But as he's clearly a narcissistic bully he won't care.

wordfactory · 14/12/2012 14:46

And can he only be happy without his wife? Seriously?

CinnabarRed · 14/12/2012 14:48

And can he only be happy without compromising one jot? Seriously?

youmaycallmeSSP · 14/12/2012 14:49

YANBU. He should be looking after his unwell, pregnant wife, not leaving her on her own to go partying hundreds of miles away. When you get married, you create a new family. Your spouse is your first family priority from there on in, end of.

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