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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to spend Christmas with his family

319 replies

elderberryspokes · 14/12/2012 13:07

I normally wouldn?t dream of posting something like this on a public forum, but would really appreciate some advice, as I honestly don?t know whether this is just hormones making me completely unreasonable or indeed if I am just being a selfish cow!

I am 8 weeks pregnant and feeling rather rotten and pukey. I married my DH in August and so this will be our first Christmas as husband and wife.

DH is adamant that he is spending Christmas Day and Boxing Day with his family in London. We live in Yorkshire, and for the last three years Christmas has looked like this:

2009 ? My Parents

2010 ? His Parents

2011 ? Our House (my parents and his parents came to Christmas dinner).

This year my sister is coming up for the first time in three years ? she lives over 300 miles away and I only see her a couple of times a year. There?s also a family party on Christmas Day night in honour of my Gran who died a couple of months ago. I?m unable to go as I don?t drive and my Dad?s house is 30 miles away, which is quite upsetting, as are the Christmas cards that keep coming through from friends and relatives congratulating us on our first married Christmas together :(

I spoke to DH last night about how unhappy I have been feeling and he said that it is not an ideal situation but we just have to get on with it this year, as it will be the last year we can both go to our respective parents (meaning that next year we will have a baby). I do understand where he is coming from and know how desperate he is to have Christmas like he did when he was younger ? i.e. out with his friends on Christmas Eve, going out to various family friends on Christmas Day, big party on Boxing Day at his Aunt and Uncles. He?s said that if he does not go down then he will not have as good a Christmas because he will be away from his family. I also understand that because I feel awful leaving my family to spend Christmas with his.

However, I am left with the certainty that if he goes down on Christmas Day then I won?t have as good a Christmas because I?ll miss him, especially as I?m feeling ill and want him around more (which has been exacerbated by the fact that he has been working late in the run up to Christmas ? obviously he cannot help that). He admitted last night that he probably wouldn?t miss me as much as Christmas at his parents? house is so busy and fun so he?ll have more distractions.

I am so confused right now. I don?t know if I should keep bringing it up or leave things as they are and try and enjoy Christmas in the same way I would have done before I met him (we?ve been together for ten years). I really want to stress that the rest of the time he is a wonderful husband and I love him to pieces but he?s refusing to come to any compromise ? i.e. spending Christmas Day together and going to the party on Boxing Day, or spending Christmas Day apart and Boxing Day together. I?m back at work on the 27th so when he does get back I?ll only see him in the evenings as he is off work.

This situation just doesn?t feel right to me....

OP posts:
wordfactory · 14/12/2012 14:53

youmaycall apparently he can't look after the op, because it will impede his happy face.

Dozer · 14/12/2012 14:56

My DH behaved badly when I became pregnant with dd1, prioritising socialising, boozing etc and was rubbish with respect to my feeling physically terrible.

His friends at the time were well-paid with quite an entitled attitude (eg stag dos and trips abroad, expensive nights out after work), without children; and a couple of men with children who acted like they were single anyway (lovely).

It took him a lot longer me to adjust to impending parenthood, he justabout got there by the time dd1 arrived though! (although still has selfish moments imo).

I don't buy into the "pregnant women need to be cossetted and looked after" idea, but there is a balance, and sounds like your DH has got it wrong.

Is the fact that you live up north and his friends (?) and family are in london a factor?

MrsLyman · 14/12/2012 15:06

Apologies accepted Cinnabar.

I just think in their rush to shout cunt, many posters are ignoring that the DH lives near OP's family and away from his and the impact this has on decision making, and how for many man even the decent ones early pregnancy can feel a bit abstract rather than life affirming.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 14/12/2012 15:07

I need to be cosseted and looked after in early pregnancy.

I can't function normally at all.

Luckily my DH doesn't plan his life to maximise his time away from me.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 14/12/2012 15:10

I live far away from my family and love seeing them and all my friends for Christmas.

And I still think he's being an outrageous knob.

My husband struggled to see my pregnancy as anything other than an abstract idea until the DDs were born.

And yet he managed to be kind all the same.

FoFeeFiMum · 14/12/2012 15:12

I do find it odd when couples choose to spend Xmas apart. DH is my favourite person in the world [makes self gag emoticon]. Not seeing my parents is a small sacrifice for spending the days with him - and if I thought he felt any differently I would be livid and extremely upset.

It does sound like recent Christmases have been weighted towards his family, but even if not then given the circumstances this year (feeling awful, bereavement, sisters visit and work on 27th) I do think it is the husband who should compromise - and yes, tbh, grow up!

MrsLyman · 14/12/2012 15:17

But it's his turn to go home! The OP lives near her parents so I'd count a Christmas in their house as being her turn taken. I think I'm the only one on the thread that sees it this way though clearly.

ZZZenAgain · 14/12/2012 15:22

don't think it is primarily about seeing his parents, it seems they went up north for Christmas at OP's house last year so he did have Christmas with them last year as well , but she wrote he wants to be "out with his friends on Christmas Eve, going out to various family friends on Christmas Day, big party on Boxing Day at his Aunt and Uncles". So there is a whole bunch of other people he would be spending time with over Christmas as well if he went to London. It is the whole sociable side to it that he is looking forward to IMO which is why Christmas with both sets of parents at their house (like last year) felt to him like he'd missed out on his real Christmas experience. His parents were there but not everyone else he is hoping to catch up with.

LRDtheFeministDude · 14/12/2012 15:23

It's not his turn. She's not been to her parents since 2009! She says his parents came to their last year so it's not true that their Christmas at their house counts as her turn, either.

diddl · 14/12/2012 15:24

Well for me, home is where I live with my husband & kids.

I´d much rather be with them over Christmas than parents/friends/assorted other relatives.

I don´t get the "turns" thing either.

We stayed at home-parents could come to us Boxing Day or not as they wished.

GozerTheGozerian · 14/12/2012 15:25

OP, my biggest concern here is that you've said he refuses to compromise. That's what makes him sound selfish - once you're married, it's never all on your terms or on his - you both have to give ground and he's refusing to.

I think you have to see Christmas as a period of time with several events happening, not a single day, and work out which of those events are most important to you. Yes he might end up driving you places, or leaving somewhere early, and you might miss out on your family remembrance gathering, but you both also do things you want to.

I don't subscribe to the view that this sums up his entire character and I wouldn't be concerned if he wants to spend time with his family but wanting it all on his terms with no concern for your wants or needs, and no compromising, would be a massive red flag for me.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 14/12/2012 15:25

"But it's his turn to go home!"

Hmm

He's a married man with a baby on the way. A fully-fledged adult.

His home is where he lives with his wife.

A visit to his hometown would obviously be nice, but taking turns of going home is a little adolescent.

With a sick wife who has to work on the 27th, he should stay at home this year.

Then next year the far away grandparents could have the baby they rarely see for their first Christmas.

To prioritise the traditions of youth when you are taking the biggest step towards being a proper grown up is really pathetic.

snuffaluffagus · 14/12/2012 15:31

Well purely because of the fact that it'll make your Christmas difficult by not having a car to get to/from your Dad's (nobody else can give you a lift?) I would say he's being a bit on the unreasonable side.

I can see why he wants one "last christmas" (not the song ehem) as it used to be, but he does have to consider you now.. talk to him gently and ask him how he thinks your christmas will be, both logistically and emotionally, without him there? I think a comprisise would be best. Obviously most people want to have Christmas at their own parents, but you have to learn to share (as you seem to have been doing in previous years).

MrsLyman · 14/12/2012 15:33

Surely DH and I aren't the only ones who have turns about who's family takes priority at Christmas?

It makes life so much easier, every two years I go to PILs and have a lovely time, in between I get to make DH do what I want.

diddl · 14/12/2012 15:34

"Obviously most people want to have Christmas at their own parents,"

Really?

As a married adult, I´ve always wanted Christmas in my house with my husband tbh.

happygolurky · 14/12/2012 15:34

YANBU - Im not saying hes a git (dont know him) but think his behaviour as described here is selfish.

If it was my DH I'd say "fine, dont bother coming back stay in London with Mummy and Daddy".

But then I am a bit of a cow.

cherryjellow · 14/12/2012 15:34

I think when you get married things have to change- your priorities need to change for sure. I would miss my dh if he wasnt there at christmas too, Hope It works out op :)

cherryjellow · 14/12/2012 15:36

When i say 'your' im hinting at your dh

wordfactory · 14/12/2012 15:37

mrslyman I would have much more sympathy for the DH if it weren't for the fact that he is refusing to leave his festivities on Boxing Day to get his wife home for work.

Essentially he's saying, I'm going to my parents and you can't come with me.

That is beyond odd.

HappyMummyOfOne · 14/12/2012 15:37

I dont get the part where the husband must be devoted to his wife and do everything she wants just because she is pregnant.

As for xmas, well you both want to do what you want so why is he the baddy? Why should he be the one to give in simple becuase of his sex? His parents will always be his family regardless of what happens in life, they are obviously important to him as yours are to you.

MrsLyman · 14/12/2012 15:39

But Diddl it's not just about his parents it's about extended family and friends who he lives away from, he sees his DW every other day. If this was any other clash of family parties no one would think he was being unreasonable.

LRDtheFeministDude · 14/12/2012 15:40

Good lord. The last thing I want is Christmas at my parents'. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I married DH, knowing I had a good reason to have Christmas of my own. And my parents fully encouraged that, having bad memories of being forced to traipse around the country to their parents.

But it's not about what I'd like or what other people do by way of taking turns.

The OP's quite clearly explained they don't just take turns. They sometimes go to her parents, sometimes to his, and sometimes stay at home.

And the OP's husband isn't trying to sort it out so she can take a 'turn' at his parents: he's arranged it so she can't go as she has to get back for work.

Sorry, but I don't think this can be simplified to a situation where he thinks it's just his fair 'turn'.

ChaoticforlifenotjustChristmas · 14/12/2012 15:40

OP you said that your DH is a wonderful man.

He isn't. He's a selfish, immature twat.

He is prioritising his other family, friends and alcohol above you and your unborn baby. He's already told you that christmas with them will be better than christmas with you. He can't even compromise because drinking on boxing day is more important that enabling you to spend christmas day with him.

Doesn't he realise that now he's married with a child on the way he's not allowed to be happy anymore?

Doesn't say much about the marriage if he's happier drinking with family and friends than being with his pregnant wife.

LRDtheFeministDude · 14/12/2012 15:41

'If this was any other clash of family parties no one would think he was being unreasonable.'

Of course we would - why not? Confused

Surely most people who think the OP's husband shouldn't take off on a jolly for three days and leave her alone to puke quietly, would think that's true whenever it happened?

Inaflap · 14/12/2012 15:42

We don't know this man and it is easy to condemn from afar. The OP has said that he's usually a decent fellow as well as which she gets on with his family. The main issue is that she can't travel as she feels crap and is puking a lot plus she has to be at work. His family do sounds like fun but awful if you feel dreadful. He might not see his family very often and as they live closer to her family possibly feels like they get their fair share of them. I would be tempted to chat with his mum and get her perspective perhaps she could talk to him and suggest that he needs to create his own family. Also, he can go to his family next year, babies are portable and everyone will coo over it and the OP has already said she will stay with baby while he goes on the evening jollies.