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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Why did you have a baby with him then?'

223 replies

AnneNonimous · 02/12/2012 13:28

Who on earth decided this was an ok question to ask someone?

My DS's dad is a knob. If people ask about him they are told he is a knob. Why do some people think it is ok to then ask that question?! Do they seriously think I made a deliberate decision to have to have him in my life for the next 18 years?

I get it quite a lot and I have seen it on here a few times too. It is not helpful. For those that ask this you should consider yourself lucky that you didn't end up with someone that mistreated you and your child. Nobody chooses this situation for themselves.

Grrrrrrr

Xmas Angry
OP posts:
TeaBrick · 02/12/2012 13:30

To be fair, I often ask myself that question about ds's dad. It seemed like a good idea at the time, I loved him, and he hadn't shown his true colours at that stage, even though I had know him for 4 years. I would never ask anyone else that question about their own situation though, that's really rude.

BalthierBunansa · 02/12/2012 13:30

YANBU, my DM who got asked the same questions when I was young. I don't see how its anybody's business but your own.

whois · 02/12/2012 13:34

YABU

I think that question when women are with an absolute deadbeat, crap relationship, not married etc then get pg. it is a conscious decision to have a baby with the twat of a father, there are alternatives to keeping it.

Bit different if as TeaBrick says they haven't shown their true colours.

SirBoobAlot · 02/12/2012 13:37

YANBU. Gets right on my tits.

Strangely enough you don't get a crystal ball when you start a relationship with someone to see what a wanker they will be down the line.

And whois you can shove your opinion.

Kayano · 02/12/2012 13:37

I never say it but I have been guilty of thinking it. Not when people have broken up loads later after a good relationship, but when people do nothing but complain about their relationship, then have a baby, then break up and complain non stop about them, as if having a baby would make it better.

And not every one, its when they actively try for a baby with waste of space dickheads (of which I have only ever known and thought this regarding 2 people ever)

Original poster
AnneNonimous · 02/12/2012 13:39

whois my situation is as teabrick mentioned but even if it wasn't, how dare anyone question the choice someone made with their pregnancy?! Unplanned pregnancies with people that don't know each other well, people who have had a nasty split, or even a baby deliberately created from an unhappy relationship. I can't imagine anybody would deliberately create a child with someone if they anticipated that their fathers child would be crap.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 02/12/2012 13:41

What I don't understand is why a woman has one child with a shithead, he treats her and the baby like utter crap, and then she goes on and deliberately has a second, and even a third child with him. It boggles my mind and seems incredibly cruel to carry on bringing children into a terrible relationship.

WhatsTheBuzz · 02/12/2012 13:41

'there are alternatives to keeping it' - yeah, like not getting pregnant? Or did you mean just getting an abortion because you happened to sleep with a twat?

GnTwivslicenice · 02/12/2012 13:46

YADNBU!! It's not their jeffing business!! Having a baby with a knob head is bad enough, having to explain yourself all the time is just plain annoying!!

TidyDancer · 02/12/2012 13:47

I think you can certainly legitimately at least think it if there goes on to be a further child born into the situation.

catgirl1976geesealaying · 02/12/2012 13:47

I'm also guilty of thinking it but wouldn't say it

Especially when I have friends who are in shit relationships which they know are shit and chose to get pregnant either because they think it will "fix" the relationship or "keep" a man they feel may be going to end it with them. I have seen people do both and I haven't seen it work out yet

I still wouldn't say it though. But, yes, I do think it sometimes.

TeeElfOnTeeShelf · 02/12/2012 13:49

I happen to agree with whois and ask my mother that all the time about my father. And she had two children with the dick head.

Of course, 45 and 43 years ago in the US she didn't have much choice and they were married at the time.

He's was a dick head then. He's a dick head now. And she agrees with me. And admits she did it to escape her abusive father and at least he wasn't that.

Just a dick head.

MissCellania · 02/12/2012 13:51

Think ourselves lucky? It's not luck that means your co-parent isn't a twat, its picking the right person for the job.

You had a baby with a knob, no-ones fault but your own. Bit rude of people to actually say it out loud, but others will be thinking it.

Original poster
AnneNonimous · 02/12/2012 13:51

We all think rude things we wouldn't say from time to time I guess. I know of just one girl that deliberately got pregnant for a second time knowing her relationship was bad. But she genuinely believed it would fix things. As stupid as that is, and yes congratulations to those of u who know better, she didn't do it believing it would lead to the bad situation she has now.

OP posts:
AnneNonimous · 02/12/2012 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Cozy9 · 02/12/2012 13:55

I think it all the time, YABU. A baby will never fix a bad relationship. And no-one should be having babies knowing that they can't afford them without state assistance.

catgirl1976geesealaying · 02/12/2012 13:55

If someone genuinely believed setting their hand on fire would be a good thing, you would be within your rights to think that was a pretty stupid decision

You'd still be rude to say it out loud though

Original poster
AnneNonimous · 02/12/2012 13:56

cozy that was a joke right?

OP posts:
WhenShallWeThreeKingsMeetAgain · 02/12/2012 13:56

Agree with MissCellania actually.

WhatsTheBuzz · 02/12/2012 13:56

Picking the right person for the job? What do you do, get them to fill in a questionnaire first? Jesus.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 02/12/2012 13:56

My SIL has 5 kids by 3 different twat dads. She never learnt, sad thing is, she just cannot stay civil with them either, those kids are linked between their dads and dads families for ever and she constantly calls them all the names under the sun.

She falls out with everyone btw, so I don't necessarily think 1 of the 3 is and at all actually

cakebar · 02/12/2012 13:56

Yep, I think it, but don't say it. I especially think it if they are not married.
The saddest thing is that I think sometimes the woman involved thinks she can't get anyone better and that is seriously not true.

I understand people knowlingly having kids with twats if they genuinely think they can't find anyone better, but then they can't moan he is a twat.

WhatsTheBuzz · 02/12/2012 13:57

'Twas only a matter of time before someone brought benefits into it...

TeeElfOnTeeShelf · 02/12/2012 13:59

Actually, cat, I would say out loud 'you are really stupid for setting your hand on fire.'

But then, I say most things out loud.

BelaLugosisShed · 02/12/2012 13:59

I do think the vast majority of women have to take responsibility for their poor choice of partner, the number of narc/abusive/psychotic men are quite few and far between and most crap men show their true colours way before the breeding stage.

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