'Why did you have a baby with him then?'

[AnneNonimous]

Who on earth decided this was an ok question to ask someone?

My DS's dad is a knob. If people ask about him they are told he is a knob. Why do some people think it is ok to then ask that question?! Do they seriously think I made a deliberate decision to have to have him in my life for the next 18 years?

I get it quite a lot and I have seen it on here a few times too. It is not helpful. For those that ask this you should consider yourself lucky that you didn't end up with someone that mistreated you and your child. Nobody chooses this situation for themselves.

Grrrrrrr

[Yermina]

I think it's possible for someone to only show their true colours after a child has been bought into a relationship.


But then it's also the case that women often choose to have children with men they really don't know that well, haven't lived with, and on the basis of zilch evidence that the man in question will make a good father.

Honestly - if you want to reduce your chance of 'gifting' your beloved dc a crap father, then use cast iron contraception, and don't for fuck sake conceive with someone until they've given you good consistent evidence that they have a sense of responsibility and good morals. Oh, and don't have children with someone who hasn't made it absolutely clear that they a) want to be a parent and b) want to stay with you.

[bradywasmyfavouriteking]

Surely people only say this AFTER you have told them he is a twat.

People don't just randomly come out with 'why did you have a baby with him' when you haven't said anything about him.

Maybe you should stop moaning about him. I would usually say this question will be said by someone who is fed up of you moaning.

[OptimisticPessimist]

GhostShip this: " I've realised those times I thought were good weren't actually good. They were just considerably better than the bad times." describes it so well! As you say, hindsight is a wonderful thing - I can look back and see it all so clearly now and wonder what I was thinking!

I am happy now, thank you. XP is no longer involved with the children, so it's very hard at times, but I've realised how much I enjoy my own company and I am studying for an OU degree (I gave up a place at uni to stay with my ex - how stupid that seems in hindsight!) I know I would never accept a relationship like that ever again, in fact I love being single and intend to stay that way for the foreseeable future.

[nkf]

I knew a woman who had a baby with a married man. Was going to leave his wife when ... yada yada. And I'm afraid I did ask her this question. Sort of blurted it out without thinking. She'd been with him for years (he was always married.) She said it was their decision. Yeah right.

[whois]

RabbitsMakeGOLDBaubles yes, that's a good answer

[BackforGood]

Part of the issue is how early a considerable number of people enter into a sexual realtionship with someone, before they've spent time with them, getting to know them well enough in the first place. People talk about getting pregnant accidently but you must be in a sexual relation ship to have that happen, so yes, you are choosing to take that risk, which seems daft to me if you've not spent a long time getting to really know the person.

[NiniLegsInTheAir]

Just want to quietly add my 2p worth as this interests me. I'm married to someone who I now consider to be a bit of a twat. We are working on things but long term I don't know for sure what will happen. We dated for 6 years, have lived together for 7 years, got married 3 years ago, DD born 18m ago. He has always been a difficult character but his good points outweighed his bad until I fell pregnant. It was like a light switched on in his head and he totally changed. He's unrecognisable from the man I first met.

It hurts when people ask 'Why did you have a baby with him then?', because I ask myself that every single day.

[CailinDana]

This sort of issue highlights where sex education in general, both from parents and schools, is seriously lacking. Too many women seem happy to put up with incredible amounts of shit in a relationship, believing they deserve it, and that it's normal. Where are they getting those ideas from? Women need to be taught from a very young age that the fundamental basis to all relationships is respect and that any man that doesn't show you respect isn't worth your time. Too many women instead seem to be socialised to believe that it is their duty to keep a man happy, to give in to sex, to put up with being shouted at and called names, to put up with being treated like a skivvy and all sorts of other mistreatment. It comes up time and time again on the relationships board - women who otherwise have their heads screwed on accepting treatment a dog wouldn't put up with.

As someone else said, in a lot of cases the question shouldn't be "why did you have a baby with him?" it should be "why are you even in the same room as him after how he's treated you?" I agree that in some cases a person's true colours don't shine through till the woman is pregnant although in those cases I firmly believe there are at least some strong indicators of twattery. No one goes from being genuinely caring and considerate and respectful to being an out and out twat overnight. It just doesn't happen. Women need to be educated on what the warning signs are.

[SirBoobAlot]

Can't believe some of the attitudes here. Really, I'm actually incredibly disappointed in MN right now.

I don't think anyone goes around with the thought of "Right, I'm going to find the most ridiculous knob of a man I can, and get pregnant". Things happen. Isn't it something like 2/3rds of pregnancies are accidental?

Some of you need reality checks.

[TeeElfOnTeeShelf]

No one is saying that, SirBoob. At least I'm not.

What I am saying is every twat I have ever dated, and there have been many in my 43 years on the planet, have shown their twattage long before we started having sex.

I'm not saying I didn't sleep with some of them, I did. We all make mistakes. And, lucky for me, I never got pregnant.

And it's silly to say 'I'm disappointed with MN right now.' Like we're all one person with one brain. There are, literally, a million of us.

[SantaIAmSoFuckingRock]

" I firmly believe there are at least some strong indicators of twattery. No one goes from being genuinely caring and considerate and respectful to being an out and out twat overnight. It just doesn't happen. "

i agree with this.

[CailinDana]

Sex doesn't "just happen." Unless it's rape, in which case it's a totally different kettle of fish, a woman chooses to become that intimate with someone. The question is, why are so many women choosing that level of intimacy with someone who has no respect for them?

[RabbitsMakeGOLDBaubles]

I certainly would never ever dis my children's fathers in front of them! Not a chance, my whole reason in life is to raise well adjusted, happy children despite our problems in life.

I do everything I can to enable relationships between them, including travelling in my wheelchair on two trains with my daughter to drop her off with her dad. And paying for his ticket to bring him back.

You can have a poor opinion of your co-parent without inflicting that on your child. It's just an unfortunate accident that I chose to turn to alcohol and sex with a friend in my grief and that one occasion led to a baby. I've taken responsibility for that every step of the way since, and yeah sometimes I get a bit mad that he sat back and did nothing when I was struggling with a disability and a toddler, and then with a child with a behavioural disorder. And I might have a moan about him, especially if he does something else annoying, but that doesn't mean that everything is a disaster and should never have happened.

Fact is, if I hadn't been so stupid, I wouldn't have my DD. And so even when I moan a bit, I am grateful that I have her, and if people think I am stupid or I should shut up or be ashamed or something, that's their prerogative. Personally I had a great big Life Lesson, and since then I have been making massive steps to move forward and change our lives for the better. Albeit unsuccessfully, but hey, I'm doing what I can.

[nkf]

I don't see how 2/3rds of pregnancies can be accidental when the main forms of contraception are well into the 90s for safety if used properly.

[expatinscotland]

I think it but don't ask it and wouldn't.

'What I don't understand is why a woman has one child with a shithead, he treats her and the baby like utter crap, and then she goes on and deliberately has a second, and even a third child with him. It boggles my mind and seems incredibly cruel to carry on bringing children into a terrible relationship.'

This. Or goes from one fuckwit to another, getting accidentally pregnant quite often.

I do think it is startling easy for people to avoid paying support for their children in this country, and it really needs to be addressed.

[NotQuintAtAllOhNo]

Yabu.
Why did you have a baby with him when you knew you would have to keep him in your life for the sake of your child, if he was such knob.?


Perfectly reasonable question to ask, if you are telling people what a knob he was/is.

[nkf]

People do change as well. The man who was one way when he was single can change when children come along. Women too. It's as if we revert to the values of our families of origins. That said, there were red flags galore with my ex but I didn't see it. Or refused to admit to it. I was a needy bag of emotion and mistook his love of drama for a love of me. Never ever again but I wouldn't criticise him anywhere the kids might hear. Strictly between me and friends and MN of course.

[BOFingSanta]

2/3?! Jeez, how depressing.

[nkf]

Treat with respect is a bit too nebulous as a lesson though. And respect is such a bandied about term among people, it doesn't mean a thing most of the time.

[TwinkleReturns]

The word abusive has popped up on this thread a few times. I would just like to slip into the conversation that abuse doesnt start in many relationships until pregnancy because abusive men dont go round yelling "look, I am abusive". They are charismatic and charming until you are in a vulnerable position and for many pregnancy is when the controlling behaviour starts.

So many women that say "he is a twat" didnt know this when they were TTC with a charming and loving man. Some abuse starts 2 months into a relationship, some 2 years and some 20 years. Many women dont wish to discuss the details of their relationship with strangers. So those of you being incredibly judgemental and stating that you can always tell what a man is like if you spend enough time with them clearly have no concept of how abusers operate and are, to some extent, victim blaming. Im really quite saddened at the vast majority of responses on this thread.

[cupcakemuncher]

I'm another one who unfortunately had a baby with a twat, although I would never describe him like that (if pushed I will say that he wasn't very nice to me or that it was a DV relationship, but resorting to insults does me no favours). I will also hold my hand up and say that the behaviour showed itself long, long before I fell pg. I believe that to be the case in most relationships - people show their colours early on, it's just that often, the women in bad relationships have such low self-esteem that they don't believe they can do any better. I've not really heard of any cases where a man was completely reasonable, pleasant, caring and then had an about-face as soon as a child was brought into the relationship. It's just that the women turned a blind eye to the nasty aspects and it wasn't so critical without a baby in the picture.

Anyway, I can sort of understand the comment in the OP, despite having been in that position myself. But I wouldn't make the same mistake again, and I find it astonishing that other women seem to make the same error time and time again - sometimes with the same man, sometimes with a series of them. I'm not ashamed of admitting that I've had terminations to avoid bringing another child in such a situation. Women have that choice for a reason, and there's no point bringing sentimentality into it when you're faced with the choice of being forever tied to a nasty man or being able to walk away from the situation. You don't need to justify your choice to anyone.

I'm also extremely responsible about contraception these days, and continue using the implant as it's the most effective type, despite it having some unpleasant side effects. Because the weight gain, acne, mood swings really aren't as bad as bringing an unplanned child into the world. But you read threads on here all the time about people who don't really want to get pg, yet will only consider the more unreliable types of contraception (and use it badly).

[nkf]

It can't be 2/3. People pretend it was accidental. But that number doesn't match the evidence.

[Yermina]

"Things happen. Isn't it something like 2/3rds of pregnancies are accidental?"

If accidental pregnancies are vastly more common in some social groups than others (they are) then you've got to accept that having children in insecure and dysfunctional relationships is about more than contraception failure.