'Why did you have a baby with him then?'

[AnneNonimous]

Who on earth decided this was an ok question to ask someone?

My DS's dad is a knob. If people ask about him they are told he is a knob. Why do some people think it is ok to then ask that question?! Do they seriously think I made a deliberate decision to have to have him in my life for the next 18 years?

I get it quite a lot and I have seen it on here a few times too. It is not helpful. For those that ask this you should consider yourself lucky that you didn't end up with someone that mistreated you and your child. Nobody chooses this situation for themselves.

Grrrrrrr

[simplesusan]

I don't really think it when a woman has a child or even children to one man. I do think it though when she keeps on repeating the mistake and keeps having children to different fathers, especially if there is a small gap between conception.
Once bitten twice shy is the sentiment.

[simplesusan]

The small gap refers to the length of time taken to get pregnant to yet another loser.

[MarianneM]

I asked that question on another thread, and I do wonder.

I wouldn't advocate abortion, but in the words of another poster here:

"happened to sleep with a twat" - really?

I wouldn't sleep with a twat, let alone without contraception.

And we may not have crystal balls, but I would think that as you get to know a person (before having a baby presumably) there may be some giveaways as to their character.

[flow4]

Applauds LynetteS

[AnneNonimous]

Lynette

[catgirl1976geesealaying]

If I got pregnant by someon I thought was a twat and would be a poor father I would have an abortion

That's my personal choice based on my personal beliefs

If someone else in the same situation chose to keep the baby, that would be their personal choice.

But choice is the operative word here and they would have chosen to have a child, fathered by a man they believed to be a twat.

[MarianneM]

I agree with you catgirl, and having unprotected sex (with a twat) is also a choice.

[catgirl1976geesealaying]

It is

Not one I make anymore luckily although it happened a few times in my younger days. I only have sex with DH now and he is of limited twatishness

Luckily I didn't get pregnant on any of the occassions above but if I had I would have chosen not to go ahead with the pregnancy

[suburbophobe]

As a LP I sometimes REALLY wonder "Why the F* would you stay with him?!"

(And no, mine was not a "twat" - but I would never stay in a relationship that was not the best for all of us).

Single motherhood while hard is so much better than being with a "twat" that brings you down!

[NonnoMum]

So it looks like our choices are...

Choose not to sleep with a man unless you KNOW he is not an idiot..
Choose not to continue a pregnancy with a man who is an idiot...
Choose to have a baby by (not with) a man who is an idiot but expect nothing from him nor him to have any relationship/input/support of the child...

[catgirl1976geesealaying]

People can choose anything they want

And if you don't find out he's an idiot until after you are pg / had the baby you can't do much about it (except LTB)

But if you knew before hand then people might wonder why you had a baby with them (though would be very rude to ask IMO)

I do think it's a choice to have a baby though in most cases and it is certainly a "conscious decision" in the majority of cases.

[MarianneM]

Nonno, or choose to use contraception.

[NonnoMum]

Sure, Marianne but I was going with the incidences of contraception failure... But, of course, yes.

[Mumsyblouse]

I think people underestimate how much some women want children, even by twats. I have a good friend who, in her own words, had children with a 'complete knob' and she is the first to admit that when she had her second, she knew he was a knob, and he was even on his way out of the door but she wanted a second child and to have her children close together with the same father. She still thinks he's a twat, but if it was have children with a twat, or not have that second child, she preferred to have a child. She chose this course of events, because the alternative, to only have one child, wasn't her preferred option.

So, I don't ask her why she had two children with a knob as I know the reason, though I think she should hide her distate for this man better, the children have very conflicted feelings about their dad unfortunately, as he may have been a twat towards her, but he wants to be a dad and she does impede that.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Sometimes they are only massive twats after you have left them, they may turn out to be not suited to you for what ever reason,you only discover this say 10 years in so you part company thinking that they will remain fairly ok but then get bitten by the giant twat bug.

Sometimes there are flags or indicators of someone being a twat but often there are not.

People become your ex for a reason if they were wonderful decent people chances are you would still be togather its very very silly to think you know the whys surrounding this when it involves the relationship of a person who is not you.

[JockTamsonsBairns]

This thread has really got to me. It smacks of victim blaming, and shows a distinct lack of understanding of the cycle of abuse which can go on in some relationships.
Also, some twats can be wonderful some of the time, just like some wonderful men can be twats some of the time. It can be hard to recognise the tipping point, particularly for someone with low self esteem.

I don't think it's a particularly helpful question, given the number of possible complex answers to it.

[Festivedidi]

Dd1's father is a twat. I didn't realise that until I was pg, and left as soon as he "suggested" an abortion. He has never met her, she has had limited interest in him but I have answered all of her questions honestly but kindly (ie I have never told her that he is a twat, but I have told her that he was very young and wasn't ready for the responsibility of fatherhood). She was most definitely an accidental pregnancy as I was on the pill (but medication for an unrelated condition was later found to affect the effectiveness of that particular pill) and we were using condoms.

My sister was married to a twat and had 2 children with him. The first was unplanned (same medication I was on affecting the pill) and she was the reason they got married, then the second was planned even though she already realised he was a twat, because she wanted a second child and has been told that for health reasons she should have her children early. So she had the second child and left him soon after.

Neither of us have ever been asked why we had kids with the twats though, possibly because we have polite friends and family, possibly because we don't publicly bad-mouth the twats that fathered our children.

[MissCellania]

Since when is every single relationship with a twat about abuse, and since when is every woman a victim? This profferred notion that babies just happen to women, nothing is our own fault or responsibility is depressing at best.

[SomersetONeil]

I admit, I have thought it. Quite often probably. Not in real life since I don't think I really know anyone in this position. But on here I've thought it, certainly.

However, this thread has gone a long way to re-educate me.

As I've got older and wiser, and certainly the more time I've spent on forums and 'socialise' with people outside my usual circle/type of people, the more I've become aware of my own privilege.

Which is... a happy childhood with loving parents and a resulting very healthy self-esteem. I know I am naive, but as I've gotten older, I have come to realise how rare that actually is. I've been fortunate enough to only have relationships with nice men. In fact, at the grand age of 38 I've never been dumped and never had my heart broken. I mean, I had enough random shags in my twenties with what might have been not lovely men, but I was happy to leave it at just the shag, so never got embroiled in any nastiness.

So - it's easy for me to wonder why others get it so wrong, when I've never had any experience of awfulness or had my self-esteem beaten to a complete pulp.

Plus - at the end of the day, the problem really boils down to idiotic men and women picking up the pieces in their aftermath. Trying to do their best, do the job of two people, etc, etc. They're the ones left, literally, holding the baby. They really don't deserve the judginess. The twattish men who bugger off, responsibility-free, do. So it's a really dangerous path to go down, blaming the women. Or, at best, frowning on them and their choices - when they're doing their best, and it's the man who's been the total arse.

Thanks for starting this thread, OP - I'm a bit embarrassed to admit how often I've thought this to myself, and it's helped me to re-think things quite a bit.

[TheNebulousBoojum]

Victim blaming?
The victims of these situations I usually encounter are under 11 and completely without any sort of control or power over their situation. They frequently have no one who listens to what they are afraid of, or how they feel and are subject to horrendous emotional abuse, sometimes more.

[GreenBeer]

There just seems to be so many children born to twats these days...

A lady I know in her mid 30's has 4 children to 3 dfferent guys, surely her twat-a-meter needs fixing

[happybubblebrain]

The message to all women should be:

If you can possibly avoid all sexual contact with all men for the rest of your life, then DO. The odds are that you will be sleeping with a knob (approximately 30% of men), or at least a bit of a knob (approximately 69% of men) and if you get pregnant by that knob people will blame you for it. And if you haven't realised that your man is a knob yet, then you are most likely being manipulated, or very very lucky (approximately 1% chance).

[SantaIAmSoFuckingRock]

i think the message to all should be

"dont be a fucking twat"

[DrCoconut]

My relationship with my abusive and twattish ex was very complicated, by the time I realised what was oin on and had the strength to leave I had DS1. Ex has never seen him since the split or paid CSA and I have left it all well alone. DS1 was the making of me. I picked up my crumbs and made a life for him, and sorted out my own life in the process. I now have a normal DH and DS2 as well. Life is boring and predictable, just the way I want after the continuous drama and stress with ex.

[DrCoconut]

The g on my laptop is dodgy, so "oin" is actually "going"!