to think a lift home when you are coming that way shouldnt cause angst.

[slartybartfast]

i have no car, dh is out at work, dd does an after school event with her bestest friend , if i dont know it is going to happen i can't organise a lift via my dm. this happens regularly, she stays after school without a lift organised.
but her bestfriend does too and gets a lift home and twice gthey have brought dd home but apparentyly they dont like to without it being reciprocated.

i mean - they have been bestfirneds since about 2007, why are the parents so mean.? they are coming this way anyway.

I agree that it is the 15/16 year old that should be saying "thank you".

When do you draw the line? With children increasingly staying at home not that ds will be allowed to when should the parent stop ringing up other people to say thank you for lifts that were given to their child? When they're 17? 18? 30?

Jins - even though I'm ok with giving lifts, I can understand where you are coming from, in that you don't like giving lifts to anyone "Passenger braking" can be really annoying!

I think its just the assumption that you expect them to do it that irks them, I am the same, if however person was to ask me in advance and give reason why they are unable to but offers a thank you or some reciprocal arrangement like a sleepover the fine no issue. ring them to say thanks and ask if its possible, explain why, then send a small gift via DD next time. just Never assume it annoys folk.

Sorry not suggesting your DD was deliberately being rude but typical teenage behaviour can come across that way. I still remind DD every time to say Thank You for any favours done for her (and she rolls her eyes and says "Of course I will Muuuuumm, fgs")

But OP hasn't assumed dd will get a lift - she told her dd to get the bus and the other parents chose to give her a lift and now they have made it clear in someway that they are being put out. OP is saying no one asked you to and why is such a big deal?

Or have I got that wrong?

Actually Hully I am a parent to a younger child, and a new parent to a teen, having had my step-daughter (no longer with her Dad) come to live with me. It's a steep learning curve! Perhaps the fact that neither her dad nor mum are showing any appreciation, or giving financial support, is leaving me more sensitive to being thanked for things than usual, but I think I'd still be saying thank you for any lifts dsd were given though!

Ahhh, passenger braking! Thought they were putting the handbrake on for you!

What about the white knuckles holding onto the door handle? That's another one that gets me

(and no, I'm not a shite driver...)

It's an odd change, looking. My teens and their mates arrange their own lives and thank me/other parents as applicable. Quite often don't speak to other parents for weeks. Then we do a mass, oh thanks for x,y and z btw.

I remember feeling a bit irritated when my dd's friend jumped into my car when I was picking up my dd, obviously expecting a lift, whcih I gave.

I had a moan to my dd later to say that if I was to be used as a taxi by her friends they should at least ask me first. Maybe that was the scenario.

Slarty the next time there is a late night event such as a disco can you or your DH use his car to do the post disco collection?

Make sure you drop the friend to her door, and wait till she goes in, and wave cheerfully at whoever opens the door just to drop the hint that you are still doing your share?

Sounds like they have a short memory for the times that you did do lifts when you had your own car.

I think that's a good point MorrisMan, I'm fast learning that some of the things dsd reports to me that others have said/done do have an added air of drama at times.

YY to the white knuckles.

Fiddling with the heater, changing the programme on the radio, opening the back window when we're on a motorway so I get booming sounds in my ear....

Complaining about the mess in the car is another one. My car is actually a mini office and it's not a mess - it's my equipment for work. It's messy now because it's been chucked all over the back seat.

I can't actually think of a time when I've refused to give anyone a lift though.

I'm with seeker and hully on this one

I've never understood the whole reluctance about lifts thing, it often comes up on MN. Understandable if someone is asking you to come and collect them from Birmingham when you live in London, but ffs if someone is coming that way anyway? Just Does Not Compute.

What's wrong with a bit of generosity? Why all this reciprocity stuff? Life's too short, really.

My beef is simply with the fact that the OP moaned because she felt the parents had not right to have a gripe with her, because they are coming this way anyway - completely missing the point that regardless, they are still doing her and her DD a favour by ensuring she gets home quickly, safely and cheaply.

I tend to be the one that takes kids everywhere around here - 3 x 5yo's to hideously dark and noisy Hallowe'en disco more recently but it was asked for, arranged and thanked for after. The fact that I would have been taking DD anyway was irrelevant, it's still polite to ask and thank people for doing you a favour.

We often give lifts (like twice a week per DC) to DC's friends when it does not inconvenience us and because the parents do not have a car/can't pick up at that time.

It is not a problem.

The children are always very polite and say thank you. Parents thank us when they see us.

We polish our halos regularly

Actually DD's friends from primary school are mostly the youngest in their family - so those parents tend to be quite lacksadaisical about pleases and thank yous etc - not because they are rude, but because they are used to their kids arranging their own lifts, and also know what goes around comes around. Plus we meet in the village pub and as you say Hully, we do our thank you's then (sometimes 6 months after the fact...).

DD's friends from secondary school are mostly the eldest in the family and I've dropped them off and had a parent almost run out to the car to say Thanks! - I think in fear that if they don't I'll be taking the back off them in private. But I would never mind giving a child a lift (unless the child was rude, or the parents absolutely never reciprocated in any form)

Yes - but presumably there are no issues hully and everyone is happy to take their turns etc? Here there obviously is one so needs addressed.

I think easier for slarty to phone and just get it sorted. Rather than DD being instructed never, ever, ever to accept a lift from friend's parents again. As I said previously, they might be completely unaware of all of this which could be based on a throwaway comment.

16 year old girls can be notoriously dramatic. So not ideal if Slarty's DD then says that she has been told not to take lifts from them and trudges off to the bus stop when they're happy enough to do it.

For all those saying be knd, I agree. But everyone needs to be kind. So slarty should offer a sleep over, meal out etc if this is going to be a permanent thing and granny can't be part if the rota.

I find people take the piss a bit when they know you drive - I do a few shifts in a friends pub and naturally, known lots of people there. It's pretty rural and people come from far away for a night out. Without arranging taxis.

It drives me bonkers. I get guilted in to going completely out of my way to take people home, often a 30 min round trip, which isn't great at 1am after 7hrs on your feet, serving pissed people. And then they reluctantly offer you petrol money but they when they turn out their pockets, there's nothing there. Even if I say no, I'm shattered, they will moan about having to walk 5 miles home, down a dark roads in a bloody t shirt in the depths of winter so I have to do it, don't I?

I am sorry, but really?

You let your dd do after school activities, but you cant/wont arrange your own childs transport?

TELL her, "if you have not told me the activity is happening, you are coming straight home after school, as I wont have managed to arrange transport, and we cant keep expecting other people to take responsibility for your lifts!"

I too am wondering if it is a teen drama thing.

DDs friend rings to ask her parents to pick her up from after school thing, parent says ok I can pick DD up on way to and turns up to find them both standing there, thinks "Bugger I need to go to but I can't leave slartys DD on her own in rural area in dark.

They drop slarty's DD home and parent turns to DDs friend as says "I wish you wouldn't just offer my services, I needed to go to the supermarket / post office / drs first so now we have to do a detour, if slarty had taken a turn then I wouldn't have had to be late"

Teen sat in back only half listening as too busy rolling eyes and fiddling with blackberry translates this to "FML, parents, its sooooo unfair" flicks Vs from back seat and text slartys DD "my parents don't wannnnnaaaaaaaa give you a lifttttttttttt no morrrrrrrrreeeeeee babezzzzzzzzz"

Yup enid! I really do think this is something out of nothing. We don't know who said what to whom when. Coupled with the references to being scared to call the parents, it all just seems total overkill for something that could be sorted out very easily.

I'm with Seeker et al.

When I was at school I used to get the bus in the morning. By the upper 6th, no less than 9 of my classmates would drive past me every day. I think I was offered a lift 4 or 5 times by one person. Other than that they would all dirve past every morning eyes dead ahead pretending I didn't exist come rain, snow whatever. Mind you, my mother also worked v near my school and refused to give me a lift because she wanted me to be independent. That didn't make me feel great either, as I would have loved to think she actually liked spending time with me and talking to me.

I would never want a child to feel the way I did. If you're going the same way and know it then it's just plain mean not to offer a lift to someone without a car. To offer the lift and then begrudge it is just plain bizarre.

What a wonderful society we live in .

And yes, I do drive a car.

Clutterbug that sounds so bloody sad re your mum.

thats more to do with your mother declutter, than other mothers doing the right thing by their children.

Oh they sound ghastly, as do most of the people on this thread. People are so mean, and begrudging. What sad little lives they must lead.

"frankly i am scared of parents , other parents I would say thanks and offer reciprocity "

I'm not sure I would want my children being given lifts by people who scared me. Either you want your child to have lifts, in which case thank them and offer to reciprocate, or don't accept the lifts.