to think a lift home when you are coming that way shouldnt cause angst.

[slartybartfast]

i have no car, dh is out at work, dd does an after school event with her bestest friend , if i dont know it is going to happen i can't organise a lift via my dm. this happens regularly, she stays after school without a lift organised.
but her bestfriend does too and gets a lift home and twice gthey have brought dd home but apparentyly they dont like to without it being reciprocated.

i mean - they have been bestfirneds since about 2007, why are the parents so mean.? they are coming this way anyway.

owl with you on that one

Owl you are so right.

In that case, I suspect the other child's parents are trying to send the OP a message that they feel she is being rude. That they expected a quick phone call to say thank you. Its only manners. Perhaps they are more formal than the OP. I doubt they are satanists who despise giving children lifts along rural roads, but they are probably a bit pissed off at not being thanked and it being assumed they will do it without a word from the parents.

Bloody hell. Some people are so bleeding harsh.

I agree with seeker (as per) in that because the parents are not going out of their way isn't it just decent behaviour to give another child a lift.

I moan about being a taxi driver for dd, but I never think twice about giving one of her mates a lift. It generally has nothing to do with doing a favour for the parent, just being nice to one of dd's mates. I would much rather just give a lift to a teenager than have someone getting a bus after dark with a notoriously unreliable inner city bus service.

I did grumble a bit to myself when I ended up giving a lift to a friend whose mum refused to drive in the dark. But the favour is towards the kid, really, I don't really think about he parents. I suppose I could have made my point, but I doubt that would have made the mother pull her finger out and learn to drive in the dark, so dd's friend would have had to walk. What's the point? Giving lifts doesn't cost me anything, other than a few pence in petrol and 5 minutes of time.

It is perfectly possible to be kind and considerate and give lifts and not expect anything in return and still hate doing it. That surely makes you the bettererest person because you are getting no pleasure at all from the experience yet still doing it because it helps someone else out.

In fact I think I'm probably being maligned by Hully. Again!

I'd be in the camp of people who would give the lifts regardless. And I do believe in paying things forward. But equally I do believe that if someone has done something for you, you say thank you.

Why can't people just be kind to someone and someone else will be kind in a sort of round robin of kind deeds? Gosh! Does that make sense>

I would give a lift, but I'd also say thank you if my child was given a lift.

One thing I don't understand though, is how your daughter gets home from school normally? Surely if she does the journey straight after school, she can do it later? Why does anyone need a lift anywhere?

I Would be amazed if the mother of one of my 16 year old's friends rang me to thank me forngiving their child a lift. Presumably the child getting the lift said thank you?

Nice one Jins. Martyr points...

yy the kids say thanks.

Are those suggesting ringing to say thanks the parents of much younger children perhaps?

The thing is, though, that they are only "coming that way" because they have to pick up their own daughter, and they might sometimes have as many difficulties as OP with the logistics of picking up their child. Why shouldn't they drop hints to the effect that their lives would also be made smoother if they didn't have to do the pick-up?

I would expect reciprocation if possible, and if it wasn't possible, I would be happy to help out, but I guess I would also expect some acknowledgement and thanks for a one-sided benefit.

This is why there is war and unhappiness.

And some of the people getting nasty should have a bloody word with themselves. I mean fucking norah.

And I don't think I would expect a thank you off the parent. I certainly have never had one, the thanks from the child is sufficient. I don't know half of dd's friends parents anyway.

Martyr points are still points

and this is the reason dp and I never ask for lifts anywhere and make sure that we can get dd wherever she needs to go on her own. We are always being offered lifts but I actually get embarrassed because although I know a some people are genuinely altruistic, others would use it as an excuse to slag you off behind your back while conveniently forgetting other things that you may have done to help them in the past.

At the age of 16 though I would expect teenagers to be arranging their own transport either by bus or by sorting lifts. I presume what happened is that their dd offered the op's dd a lift without checking with her parents and dd accepted said lift not understanding that the adults in question run a tit-for-tat system on lift sharing.
In future I would tell your dd to just get the bus home and to refuse any offers of lifts from her friend as that way you are in no way (in their opinion) beholden to them.

Other point as well is that mum of friend could have had a bit of a moan in the car to her DD but have no idea that this has been passed on to slarty's DD. She might be mortified to realise!

That why I think calling to say thanks/talk about future arrangements is a good idea. Flushes out any issue.

slarty - not sure why you're too scared to speak to them on the phone though? If they're very strange and aggressive, not sure DD should be being exposed to them.

Hully - I suggested ringing. I'm 38 weeks pregnant so not had to negotiate the minefield of lifts as yet. However, I probably would call when DS is 16 or so as I will probably be working and happy to discuss a rota etc. woukd just see it as being easier to do myself than getting DS to grunt at his friends

Am I going to be embarrassing mummy? [worried]

Jins - they brake for you?? I'd put them out of the car!

I have also put the handbrake on and refused to make a turn until DM has pulled her head back and allowed me to look out of the window - she doesn't drive, has no spatial awareness, and her eyesight is going. Yet she still thinks it's 'helping' if she checks what's coming from the left and tells me whether it's clear or not....and then gets in a snot when I won't trust her judgement. FFS she will be the first one to be hit if there's a crash!

Slarty they do sound a bit mean - but I'm wondering about something.

If I've picked it up right, you used to do lifts no problem when you had a car, and on two occasions your DD was supposed to get the bus, and they gave her a lift instead (when you didn't ask them) but per your DD there's a bit of attitude going on from them?

Is there any chance that DD did puppy dog eyes and didn't let on she was supposed to be on the bus? Or perhaps texted all the way home in the car and answered any attempts at questions with a grunt? Or didn't say Thank you when she got out? Because there is one friend of my DD who is just like this and I hate giving her lifts - not because her folks expect it, but because she's bloody rude!!! (and I speak as a mum of a 16 yr old, who has driven 4 teenagers to Galway and back - 3.5 hours either way - with no problems at all)

Exactly shinyblackgrape - what I absolutely love about this thread is all this angst based on one 16yr old's comment to another 16yr old. We don't even know if the other parents are actually pissed off or just made a random remark to their daughter!

It's that whole slamming on the imaginary brakes thing rather than pulling my handbrake on but I find it really unsettling.

Perhaps the girl's parents just had a mild grumble. I do moan to dd sometimes 'bloody hell dd, I wanted to go straight home tonight' but would be horrified if she had told her friend that I was moaning about it.

Does that make me two faced? Hmm possibly.

I think though that it is possible to be fine with altruistic gestures as long as you can moan like Pauline Fowler about them, though.