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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I Really the Horrid DIL Here or Does this Stink?

131 replies

MollyMurphy · 05/11/2012 21:52

I am being made to feel the bad guy here but I am interested to know if that would be a general viewpoint.

My in-laws don?t have a residence. 2 years ago they sold their house because they ?snowbird? to Arizona during the winter for 6 months (where they have a trailer in a seniors community), then they visit family in Nova Scotia over the summer and between the two they used to stop by our city for maybe 2-3 weeks in the spring and 3-4 weeks in the fall. They used to never stay with us but would bounce between my husband?s step-sisters homes.

Anyhow, this year my FIL was having surgery and they asked if they could stay with us for 2 weeks while he recovered. No problem. Then they ended up having additional doctor?s appointments and stayed for 3 full months. They then asked if when they visit in the future if they can stay with us. Fine.

However. Now it seems I?ve signed on to much more than I anticipated. I thought this 3 months thing was a one-off, but it would seem that they have made our city now their ?legal address?. In asking about their plans for 2013 it seems they are now staying with us for well over a month in the spring and another 3 months in the summer/fall. They want to consider themselves as ?living? at our address.

I hate this arrangement. There is nothing wrong with them, but it?s a matter of space and privacy. There is no kitchen in the basement so they have to come upstairs all the time, they want to eat meals with us and socialize at will. We are busy, have full time jobs, a toddler and a baby on the way. When I get home I want to enjoy my private time with my family.

My husband loves his parents, adores having them stay with us, would have them live with us forever if it was up to him and cannot see my point of view at all. I asked him to talk to them about their plans and really firm up how long this is going to continue and he basically told them I?m stressed and pregnant and let see how it goes. They noticed some ?tension? from me and advise they will try to stay in the basement more, but that isn?t really the point is it?

I also think they are taking the piss really. We asked them to pay a minimal amount to help cover their groceries - $300 (which you could tell they thought was too steep) but really that barely covers the cost of them staying with us. If they are going to ?live? with us, then I think it should be mentioned that it costs my husband and I $2000/month plus bills (gas, water, electric, cable, internet etc) to live there and so why are they not pitching in quite a bit more? I am starting to see that they essentially freeload for 6 months of the year. I resent them putting me in this position. They know my DH is loyal and giving to a fault and would never say no to them.

I like helping family out as much as the next person but I can see this turning into an issue for years to come.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
MollyMurphy · 05/11/2012 21:52

hmmmm...I don't know why all my quotations are question marks. Sorry.

OP posts:
SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 05/11/2012 21:53

They've moved in with you by stealth! Not on!

CrapBag · 05/11/2012 21:56

Tell them no!!

They are freeloading, they know what they are doing and they are totally taking the piss. I would not let them use my address as their home address.

What are they going to do in years to come when they can't move around so much? Stay with you permanently I expect!! Your DH needs to get on board and tell him you don't mind a 2 week visit or whatever but they are not using your house as a home away from home. Stand firm and tell him it is your home, not theirs and you will not bend on it. He sounds like he is well up for them moving in in the long term.

amy175 · 05/11/2012 21:56

freeloader using emontional blackmail to do it

Unacceptable · 05/11/2012 21:58

Wow!! I hope one of my DC is happy for me to save half my annual outgoings by putting me up for 6 months in the future.

Seriously, though, I don't think you need to ask if you ABU here...your DH should be on your side here. Is there an actual reason why they taking advantage of you like this?

hmc · 05/11/2012 21:59

Yabu - I think you've been very accepting so far. You married your husband for better or worse, not his parents

Pancakeflipper · 05/11/2012 22:00

Crikes they are moving in properly aren't they? I read this and wondered what your PIL's agenda is. Sounds like they have a plan and not told you about it, but you are central to this plan.

economistextra · 05/11/2012 22:00

Yanbu, you are not unkind, they are out of order.

cozietoesie · 05/11/2012 22:04

Do you talk to the family in Nova Scotia who they used to stay with? Did they have a falling out?

lovebunny · 05/11/2012 22:32

it's cheeky of them. they shouldn't do it. but i can imagine that it feels great to them. who wouldn't want to be with their family? as a parent, its so difficult to avoid the temptation of trying to find a sneaky way to move in with one's adult children...

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 05/11/2012 22:33

The thing is though, even though we may all agree that they are out of order, your DH is happy for them to stay and with the arrangements. Are you willing to "fight" with him over this, and upset him/give him guilt/defy/ignore his wishes regarding his parents?
Or you could just smile sweetly, and outlive them...
That way he will always remember how lovely you were when his parents "needed you both" and you will have Brownie Points forever when you want something he's not keen on. I'd think long and hard about it, as this could be a major issue for your relationship, now and in the future...

Whoknowswhocares · 05/11/2012 22:41

What would I do? Issue DH with an ultimatum. Either he stands up to his family and makes a sensible arrangement which you are both 100% happy with or it's a deal breaker!
Seriously, I would feel THAT strongly. Not because I hate My in laws, far from it. But the disrespect from both them and your OH in foisting this on you when you Clearly don't want it would be too much for me to take. I would not be prepared to hand over my home and my lifestyle for weeks on end. and as for subbing their existence ......jeez, no chance!

whois · 05/11/2012 22:48

YANBU

But until your DH agrees with your yore basically fucked. He wants mummy and daddy to live with him so isn't going to kick them out or make them pay rent.

I can see a nasty "them or me" ultimatium on the horizon...

geegee888 · 05/11/2012 22:53

What a great deal for them! YANBU! Lay down the law! I'm kind of astonished at their cheek though. As if by producing a son, they negate any responsibility for a roof over their heads for perhaps 30% of their lives. Nice work if you can get it...

thecatsminion · 05/11/2012 22:54

Dear God! I think I'd be threatening to go "snowbirding" myself. Just the thought of having someone outside the immediate family staying for that length of time is hideous.

It's also quite telling that they noticed you were getting sick of them but are happy to come and live on top of you again. In other words, they're not that bothered about how you feel.

Re: the address thing, could this have an impact on your credit rating, insurance, etc etc?

I'd sit down with your DH and tell him that this is not on. I'd have some very clear boundaries - like them staying no more than a fortnight at a time, max 6 weeks of the year. That's more than a lot of people would put up with, frankly. And if he doesn't start putting your family first then you'll consider moving out yourself, as presumably living with his parents wasn't part of the deal when you got married?

ArtexMonkey · 05/11/2012 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OTheHugeManatee · 05/11/2012 22:55

YANBU in the slightest. Massively fucking cheeky Shock

apostropheuse · 05/11/2012 22:57

YANBU

They're being ridiculous and definitely sound like they're taking advantage of your hospitality . You should also not be expected to subsidise their lifestyle. This is not normal visiting family where you wouldn't want a financial contribution. They're treating your home like their own home. Bizarre.

I'm actually a bit flabbergasted that they can't see for themselves that they're unreasonable without having to be told by you or your husband. They surely must know that.

MoonlightandBonefires · 05/11/2012 22:57

Hmm - sounds more than a little bit awkward. Is there any chance of being able to fit a small kitchen into the basement (so they could buy their own food), or even turn it into a separate flat (i.e. they would have to go out their front door and up the steps to yours) so they are 'encouraged' to be more self-contained?

I think if they are talking about spending six months of the year at your address, then maybe, rather than saying 'no' and causing arguments, come at it from the practical point of view instead. It might help your DH to see what a big ask this really is.

MoonlightandBonefires · 05/11/2012 22:57

Oh YANBU either.

TheCraicDealer · 05/11/2012 22:58

My worry would be that one day (could be soon depending in health issues, age etc.) they will not have the ability or inclination to flit about between the step-sisters, you and Arizona. They will want to settle in one place, and as they soon start to see your house as home that is where they will want to gravitate to.

If your DH is finding it hard to say no now and set some boundaries you could easily see yourself as the main carers an elderly couple, full time. You need to have words!

UltraBOF · 05/11/2012 22:58

God, so hard to say anything without your husband's backing, but of course YANBU.

You really need to have it out with him and spell it out.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo · 05/11/2012 22:59
Shock

Can you move out and let your husband deal with this himself?

They are all massively taking the piss, them AND your husband.

OTheHugeManatee · 05/11/2012 23:00

Moonlight - good idea. Convert the basement into a 'studio flat'. Ideally it should be cramped, dark and unappealing but entirely self-contained so there is no reason to pop up to use the washing machine or similar. Add a bolt to any connecting door so they have to ring your front doorbell. Then work out your costs and charge them rent for their stay.

ExitPursuedByABanger · 05/11/2012 23:01

I'm with PomBear on this. If you can find a way of making it work, you will have so many Brownie points and such a feel good factor it could last you a lifetime.