Am I Really the Horrid DIL Here or Does this Stink?

[MollyMurphy]

I am being made to feel the bad guy here but I am interested to know if that would be a general viewpoint.

My in-laws don?t have a residence. 2 years ago they sold their house because they ?snowbird? to Arizona during the winter for 6 months (where they have a trailer in a seniors community), then they visit family in Nova Scotia over the summer and between the two they used to stop by our city for maybe 2-3 weeks in the spring and 3-4 weeks in the fall. They used to never stay with us but would bounce between my husband?s step-sisters homes.

Anyhow, this year my FIL was having surgery and they asked if they could stay with us for 2 weeks while he recovered. No problem. Then they ended up having additional doctor?s appointments and stayed for 3 full months. They then asked if when they visit in the future if they can stay with us. Fine.

However. Now it seems I?ve signed on to much more than I anticipated. I thought this 3 months thing was a one-off, but it would seem that they have made our city now their ?legal address?. In asking about their plans for 2013 it seems they are now staying with us for well over a month in the spring and another 3 months in the summer/fall. They want to consider themselves as ?living? at our address.

I hate this arrangement. There is nothing wrong with them, but it?s a matter of space and privacy. There is no kitchen in the basement so they have to come upstairs all the time, they want to eat meals with us and socialize at will. We are busy, have full time jobs, a toddler and a baby on the way. When I get home I want to enjoy my private time with my family.

My husband loves his parents, adores having them stay with us, would have them live with us forever if it was up to him and cannot see my point of view at all. I asked him to talk to them about their plans and really firm up how long this is going to continue and he basically told them I?m stressed and pregnant and let see how it goes. They noticed some ?tension? from me and advise they will try to stay in the basement more, but that isn?t really the point is it?

I also think they are taking the piss really. We asked them to pay a minimal amount to help cover their groceries - $300 (which you could tell they thought was too steep) but really that barely covers the cost of them staying with us. If they are going to ?live? with us, then I think it should be mentioned that it costs my husband and I $2000/month plus bills (gas, water, electric, cable, internet etc) to live there and so why are they not pitching in quite a bit more? I am starting to see that they essentially freeload for 6 months of the year. I resent them putting me in this position. They know my DH is loyal and giving to a fault and would never say no to them.

I like helping family out as much as the next person but I can see this turning into an issue for years to come.

What would you do?

This is just simply not fair. Why haven't they got a permanent home of their own. I would totally hate this arrangement and so would a lot of people. You are entitled to a home of your own. But if your DH doesn't see a problem then it is very difficult. It sounds unbearable. Hope you get sorted out soon.

yanbu.

hat to do about it is another thing...

there are several options/combinations

perrsonally, i would feel inhibited with the inlaws living in the basement... is he prepared to go 6 months without sex (are you?)

you could gush and say how lovely that they are cokming to look after your child in return for a room... and how you will be able to go back to wook full time if theyhave your children

or they are going to be available fo babysitting at the weekends so that you and dh can go away and ... well see point 1

thank them so much for offering to cook the evening meal everyday while you look after your newborn..

ask dh what he ios going to give up to cover the cost of them staying as it is his idea. ask him to cost it out and work out all the figures. use the bills from last time to estimate the cost.

ask him whether you can believe anything he says from now on as he was not tellin ghte truth when he made his marriage vows to leave his parents and join with you to love and cherish... considering he is ignoring you, stomping all over your feelings and putting his parents before you.

I disagree. They see no issue with it, haven't bothered to ask, haven't bothered to offer to pay their way and just expect the OP to roll over and deal with it.

she won't get brownie points. They see it as their right, not a favour.
Besides who the hell needs brownie points that badly?!!

They are taking the piss. They made themselves "homeless" as part of a lifestyle choice. This is fine as long as they take responsibility for that decision and can independently support that lifestyle.

Freeloading on your family in this way is just bloody selfish. If this was part if their plan then they should have agreed it with you and DH in advance (including an appropriate financial contribution to them using your home as a base for a significant part of the year).

Making your home their legal address is bang out of order. I don't know about the US but in the UK there could be significant repercussions if for example they fall into debt. How would you prove what In the home belonged to them or you if the bailiffs knock on the door?

This is just an example - but the point is doing something like this has consequences they should have discussed.

I wouldn't put up with it, but as others have said you need to get DH onside before you are going to get any traction here and I would start by looking at what them claiming your house as their legal address really means.

Bloody hell. Moving in by stealth is exactly it! I'm actually list for words.

How canny of them though, think of the money they're saving in rent, food and bills!

Oh dear this isn't good.

I'm concerned that your DH thinks this is acceptable - doesn't he realise it's your home too?? The 'you're pregnant and stressed' comment would have me STEAMING. Yes you're pregnant but you're stressed because his parents are coming to live with you!!

If it was me (but I am a gobshite) I would tell your DH that either you or his parents can live in the house.

Have they not read King Lear? Buy them a copy

Oh this has made my blood run cold, OP. What you have come up against is a massive difference in family culture and boundaries. They all (including DH) think it is OK to lob from one place to another, being vague about dates, plans and contribution to bills. You, quite naturally, want to know who is living in your house and on what basis.
This could be huge between you and DH - I speak from experience here. You need to work out what you can stand and remind him that your needs come first.
Good luck. And YAsoNBU.

I, too would sound out your DH and PIL and then suggest separating the basement from the rest of the house, if they are insistent and if it is even possible. Your PIL will have to pay for the conversion through their rent.

If a separate entrance can be used then you can get the basement metered for electric and water etc, and can have their post come to them by calling it 123B, instead of just 123, which would be your part of the house.

Be aware, though that your mortgage may disallow subletting.

Definitely say a big NO to the arrangement as it stands, but try to offer alternatives.

Is the 2 years significant? You mention in your first post they have stayed with other members of the family since this arrangement started.

Is it probable that after 2 years they have called time on this piss take of a situation and hence why now you are being expected to home them?

It sounds to me they have made plans they can't sustain and that's their issue not yours.

I would tell them to pitch in with bills, giving half in total for three months. I would also ask them to buy themselves a desk top stove/oven for 100 pounds from argos and a kettle. That way they can cook for them selves in their own space.

I couldn't do it at all if it was my IL's.

YANBU

taking the piss. not like they've had to move in with you due to a fire/flood/illness and you are helping them out. they're freeloading so they can spend 6 months of the year on holiday!!!

We have family to stay for weeks at a time because of being in Canada. They are either far away in Canada or in the UK. I don't mind when they are people who; pitch in; cook; look after DD; bugger off into the nicely appointed basement in the evening and early morning. I mind when it is FIL people who; expect to be waiting on; don't like DD very much; expect to be entertained; are upstairs ALL THE TIME. FIL seriously comes up as soon as he hears a footfall which is before 6am, because DD is an early riser. He then wants to gibber at me for hours while I sort everything out.

I have told DH that it is him or me. I will have him for holidays but he cannot move in.

Omg if my pil moved in I would move out until dh sorted it. My dh would do the same if my parents moved in and I would be expected to sort it out.

Yanbu

I would lay it on the line: HE gives them an exact breakdown of what they need to pay AND they pay for full conversion of that basement or you walk.

There is no way I would stand for this.

Does DH largely ignore them whilst you are expected to chat and entertain them? Then make sure he takes over this chore by being 'too busy' elsewhere. Are you landed with more cooking because of them? Well they can take over that as doctor says you must put your feet up in the evening.

So try to make sure his life is affected by their being there and his enthusiasm might flag.

If that is unlikely to work just decide what you want eg 2 months visit twice a year and tell them. Nothing wrong in saying that you love being together with your own little family. Would DH want to live with your DPs? It's not a crime to state your wishes (have been listening to Woman's HOur with Anne Dickson talking about her book 'A woman in your own right' about women asserting themselves )

thanks for all the responses.

well they used to bounce between my 2 SILs homes but apparently it wasn't by choice - if one or the other SIL needed their guest room for other guests they would be asked to head over to the other ones house. also in their homes they only have one room, not a whole basement to the,selves. My SILs didn't charge them anything but did use them extensively for child care. In Nova Scotia, they live in a trailer connected to my MILs brothers home. I don't know if there is rent situation...I doubt it.

Well, I wouldn't leave my husband over it and really I wouldn't have to....if I put my foot down he will ask them to make other arrangements. I am concerned though that he will be resentful. My DH is a really good person so by comparison I usually am being the unreasonable one. He couldn't spot someone taking advantage of him if they wore a t-shirt announcing it outright....he just thinks the best of people.

I don't think my inlaws are intentionally taking a piss either....his whole family is a bit more laid back and communal than certainly I am. this just will not work and I am sick at the thought of forcing a conflict out of it TBH.

my husband thinks I will feel differently when the baby is born...that I will want the extra help around and I just don't know - sometimes I do wonder if he's right but then I think that is just anxiety over managing 2 little ones talking. If anything it will probably be worse as I will be the one home on mat leave with them all day.

I'm going to have to suck it up and push a group meeting about it in the spring.....aagh. I may have to come back here to screw up my courage.

Why have they registered their address as your house? Do you live somewhere with lower taxes or better rights to state healthcare or some such resin that they want to officially live with you? If so, they will have to be resident with you for a certain amount of time per year, maybe as much as 6 months. I would do some checking up of that

That is my nightmare. You poor thing. No advice, but lots of sympathy.

"Well, I wouldn't leave my husband over it and really I wouldn't have to....if I put my foot down he will ask them to make other arrangements."

Then that's what you do.

IF (and it's a big fucking if) you want your ageing in-laws living with you then that is something that needs proper, longterm planning, that includes financial planning.

In the meantime they need to find another legal address, ask permission (or wait to be invited) before they impose themselves in your home, and pay their way while they are there.

It boggles the mind that a middle aged couple would sponge off a young family in this way.

And bollocks to "brownie points" - you could end up caring for them for decades if this is allowed to go on.

Your husband is being massively unreasonable to allow this.

If they move in, then the costs if that must be borne by them (including refurbishing the basement to create a separate flat) and you need to be clear what their financial situation is.

This arrangement could tear your family apart.

You need to protect yourself from people who would decide to make themselves homeless and pass the cost on to relatives.

They are pisstakers.

I wouldn't and couldn't live like that. I get along with my in laws but I couldn't have them living in my house fr that long. You need to nip it in the bud now because the longer it goes on the harder the pattern will be to change. I hope your DHs supports you too and it doesn't cause to many problems between you

Lots of us manage a baby & toddler without any parents living in!

High price to pay imo!

I don´t understand why they have put your address when they go to Arizona for 6 months!

Dear god. What total freeloaders. You are not being in the slightest but unreasonable.

Of course you are not being unreasonable. They are taking the piss.

Dear god yanbu. I would never in a million years allow my ils to do this, even though they are lovely and we get on really well.

It would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

Why don't you show this thread to dh? He's got to realise that he can't put his parents needs before yours.