Am I Really the Horrid DIL Here or Does this Stink?

[MollyMurphy]

I am being made to feel the bad guy here but I am interested to know if that would be a general viewpoint.

My in-laws don?t have a residence. 2 years ago they sold their house because they ?snowbird? to Arizona during the winter for 6 months (where they have a trailer in a seniors community), then they visit family in Nova Scotia over the summer and between the two they used to stop by our city for maybe 2-3 weeks in the spring and 3-4 weeks in the fall. They used to never stay with us but would bounce between my husband?s step-sisters homes.

Anyhow, this year my FIL was having surgery and they asked if they could stay with us for 2 weeks while he recovered. No problem. Then they ended up having additional doctor?s appointments and stayed for 3 full months. They then asked if when they visit in the future if they can stay with us. Fine.

However. Now it seems I?ve signed on to much more than I anticipated. I thought this 3 months thing was a one-off, but it would seem that they have made our city now their ?legal address?. In asking about their plans for 2013 it seems they are now staying with us for well over a month in the spring and another 3 months in the summer/fall. They want to consider themselves as ?living? at our address.

I hate this arrangement. There is nothing wrong with them, but it?s a matter of space and privacy. There is no kitchen in the basement so they have to come upstairs all the time, they want to eat meals with us and socialize at will. We are busy, have full time jobs, a toddler and a baby on the way. When I get home I want to enjoy my private time with my family.

My husband loves his parents, adores having them stay with us, would have them live with us forever if it was up to him and cannot see my point of view at all. I asked him to talk to them about their plans and really firm up how long this is going to continue and he basically told them I?m stressed and pregnant and let see how it goes. They noticed some ?tension? from me and advise they will try to stay in the basement more, but that isn?t really the point is it?

I also think they are taking the piss really. We asked them to pay a minimal amount to help cover their groceries - $300 (which you could tell they thought was too steep) but really that barely covers the cost of them staying with us. If they are going to ?live? with us, then I think it should be mentioned that it costs my husband and I $2000/month plus bills (gas, water, electric, cable, internet etc) to live there and so why are they not pitching in quite a bit more? I am starting to see that they essentially freeload for 6 months of the year. I resent them putting me in this position. They know my DH is loyal and giving to a fault and would never say no to them.

I like helping family out as much as the next person but I can see this turning into an issue for years to come.

What would you do?

saffron, IME when these 'd' h's or p's have few boundaries when it comes to their parents, it's generally because they are not doing the vast percentage of the care, entertainment and housework involved in having pemanent, non-paying guests.

Good point, expat. It must be so lovely when meals and clean bedding just magically appear! With my DH he just so loved his parents and was so happy and comfortable around them that he could not imagine or comprehend that I found it a strain.

OP you have my huge sympathies but I agree with everyone here that once an arrangement is drifted into it will be hard to unwind.

Oh, he'd have found it a strain after I left their share of the work to his book ass. But so many times on threads like this, or any regarding guests, it's the woman who's doint everything for them on top of childcare and often, paid employment outside the home.

OP, is your husband doing the extra work that comes with his parents parking up at yours gratis? I'll bet you London to a brick he is not.

And $300 is nothing for groceries! Do they have a good pension? Again, I'm betting they have. Well that's how they are able to afford two places to live, they sponge off others.

Put your foot down now and none of this 'let's see how it goes' or 'you're pregnant and stressed.'

If he won't bring it up, you do, by email or letter while they are not parked up in your home!

a) you pay to have the basement entirely self-contained
b) you pay rent and all your bills on that apartment, including your own food
c) don't do it and I tell the IRS/tax authorities you're a guest here, not a resident.

Cor. This snowbirding lark sounds brilliant. Now, DS1 is 12. How long do I have to wait before I can move in with him for free and then flit about in the sun with all the money I've saved?

Exactly, Chicken. No wonder they can afford two places to live, they're living free for half the year.

Blimey, I find it testing to have my parents stay for 2 days let alone half the year! It's like having two extra children.

It must be like being trapped in a Kevin And Perry movie

Bloody hell this sounds awful. I could not live like that. Just say NO!

If your DH is so accommodating and happy to please others then that will equally apply to meeting YOUR needs. It is quite unreasonable to ask you to share your home with his parents unless you are 100% behnd the idea, and a bit patronising to tell you why you are not happy about it and how you will be feeling once the baby is born and you are on maternity leave with them, all day every day.

Can I ask where your parents are in all this? Suppose your Mum wants to come and stay for a month when the baby is born?

I can see why they want to stay with you rather than be batted between the SILs spare rooms, but that is hardly the point.

Tell your DH that a VISIT is fine and lovely but that altering the entire basis of your family home to include them is not on.

What if they screw up their taxes, OP, and you get those lovely letters from the IRS addressed to them? IRS doesn't care, they'll try to tack a lein on your house if it's considered your ILs residence. What if they have an accident in your home, a fall or something, and you have to make a claim on your insurance and they find out your ILs are using it as a residence?

I wouldn't even let them pay to make the basement self contained and they pay all bills and food. They would visit my home for short stays when they were invited only and the rest of the time they would have to bugger off and live elsewhere.

Are they from a culture where this is considered normal OP? I knew a thai bloke and his aunt came to stay in his spare room for months and months. He felt completely unable to ask her to leave because it just wouldn't have been acceptable in his culture. In the end he solved it by selling up and moving to a flat with no spare room. Seems like a drastic thing to have to do when i would have just told her to sling her hook!

My Dads brother moved in for a week 20 years ago after a problem with his house. He is still there, it is now at the point where they cannot ask him to go, he is too old to do it. Time passed, habits became ingrained, people aged. Take care, do not set a precedent and do not convert the basement, you will never be free of them.

YANBU, this is a major, major imposition.

YANBU and I agree with the poster who said be careful about charging rent or making a basement conversion. Anything like that would give your PIL a say in the house, which is yours and make this a permanent arrangement.

Sort it out before the spring or this will go on until they die or you divorce.

Hi all - sorry for my delay in response - most of you are about 8 hours ahead of me.

Well, I suspect that they are not that financially set. I dont know that for sure but that is my impression. I don't believe they've made any long term retirement plans. My MIL has MS and is about 67 and my FIL is about 78....so its definately in my mind that if I let this go on they could come to expect to stay here as they have more and more medical needs. This has not escaped me at all. I always assumed they would eventually move in with my SIL, who I've heard encourage them to come and live with her - however she has recently downsized to a smaller house.

My DH is definately not perfect I didn't mean to suggest such - a good man but not a perfect one certainly. He has a very bad way with words...I should never had sent him to talk to them alone frankly. This is a man who approached an acquaintance at our daycare and asked if she'd like to be friends instead of asking if she would be interested in setting up a playdate between our children at some point .

The reason they've moved their address to my province is we have better healthcare and also I think they want to be around my husband, SILS and the bulk of their grandchildren. They are only allowed to be in the USA for 6 months before they have to cross back into Canada.

I have one SIL in Nova Scotia and they did ask my PIL to leave (unceremoniously I gather) quite awhile back. They were upset with my PILs dog (who is not allowed upstairs at our house - the yappy, little bitter) and I seem to recall her complaining about them not paying for groceries etc...but that SIL and her DH are difficult and so I just brushed it off as them being, well, them.

I don't think its a cultural thing unless its a familial cultural thing - they are Canadian/Australian. They don't seem like jerks though I'd believe my MIL just wouldn't think of it as an imposition...but my PIL is quite intelligent so I'm not sure where their head space is with it. It does frustrate me that they've noticed I'm not happy and are not just taking a hint and making a silent exit on their own.

I overheard my MIL suggest to my DH that we convert the basement to a self contained suite - not necessarily for their long term use but in general. He told her that eventually we would want to use the basement for the kids area and that the cost was quite beyond us anytime in the near future. She just said "oh". I think she was feeling it out and am glad it flew over DH's head. They are not medically fragile or anything so I am not interested in making a suite for them. I can understand why they feel an apartment would be a waste in view of their travelling about but in the long term they need to have a plan for setting something up.

My mum came by and advised me that while she and my PIL are friends and she was trying to hold her tounge, she thinks its shameful they are staying here without properly contributing and that its unfair on a young family. I agree and feel glad that someone here in RL is on my side.

They left on Halloween so are already gone now until April. They advised DH that they will be going to Nova Scotia May and until sometime in July. Then they will be here as there is a wedding in the family at the beginning of August and will leave again early in October. I think I might be stuck with the arrangement this go around but will absolutly call a meeting in spring and discuss that this wil be the last year of cet arrangement.

I should add, in terms of extra work - aside from extra groceries and some extra cooking they are pretty self contained. My MIL helps with cleaning the kitchen, does laundry, occasionally cooks and once or twice raked some leaves. My PIL doesn't do anything whatsoever but once in three months did cook dinner. I more or less started to refuse to cook for them and when they'd ask what is for dinner I'd just tell them nothing specific - rifle through the leftovers at will, which is pretty much how we do dinner when they are not around anyway.

So I don't notice them as extra work per se - just that same feeling regarding space and privacy. If Mother Theresa was standing in my kitchen Sunday morning I'd have a problem with her too in honesty.

Hmmm...I do not know about tax issues. I will have to look into it.

If you don't put a stop to this now, you will wind up caring for them sooner rather than later. The not contributing would majorly not work for me - it costs a lot to feed and house two extra people now the cost of everything is going up. Plus, they're using your place for better healthcare - if they are as intelligent as you are saying, then believe me, they mean to park up chez vous.

They need to sell up their caravan and find an apartment near you all if they want to keep living there. This arrangement isn't working.

I don't blame their daughter for kicking them out. She probably got sick of their freeloading.

'What's for dinner?' After you'd worked all day?

OP, I can't tell if you are british or american. But the issue of them registering your home as their legal residence jumped out at me,as it would for most americans.
Having 2 more people in your home will change your tax status, and if they become bankrupt, it could affect you. If they need medicare, they take into account all income in the home, which would include you and your DH, so that would affect how much aid they could receive. Please look into the ramifications of having them as residents.
PS: if someone changed their address to my home without asking, it would be a huge deal, and you need to speak to your husband about this - asap.

Some sensible advise about practical reasons why this is just not on. Looking into the tax and healthcare info will give you some practical reasons to explain to your dh why this cannot happen.

I'm amazed that you are already deciding that next year is a fait accompli - it's 9 months till they are talking about coming back! Plenty of time to make other arrangements. Tell then they are welcome to stay for 2 Weeks around the wedding (or whatever you are happy with) but they will need to make other arrangements for the rest of the summer. And that if they do not change your address as their registered address then you will inform whoever you need to that they are guests not residents.

We are Canadian so healthcare costs are not an issue. I hadn't though about taxes though I will look into those implications.

Well when my DH comes home I am going to tell him I've though about it and when his parents come in the Spring I will be calling a group meeting to discuss the situation. I will balls up and tell them they are welcome to visit but not live here and enquire as to their longer term retirement plan. I feel a bit locked into the summer because I didn't man up and hash this out sooner and my husband has already told them its fine. I don't want to boot them by long-distance correspondance. If I give them one more summer than I can feel guilt free that they've had plenty of notice and that I've acted well above board on the subject.

The thing about their itinerant life style is possibly that they have no social group. The snow bird thing sounds great but the thought of being cooped up in it doesn't matter how big an RV for weeks/months with my DH would drive me nuts. So are they putting on family to compensate for lack of a normal life with hobbies and friends.

Also, if MIL has MS that could mean a lot of support in the future, and FIL is a good bit older. If you have the space and cheap healthcare you could end up caring for them full time into their old age.

So don't put in basement flat and move to a state with expensive healthcare keep you plans fluid so they don't think they can just turn up and you will fit in with them.

OP: One more thing, you said your MIL has MS and your FIL is 78, their health could go at any point. And if they are in your home, you will become their primary caregiver. Do you really want your little ones to be second in line to caring for elderly people? Its a nightmare waiting to happen...

And if they have no money saved, who do you think will have to pay for their unexpected bills or need to go into care? If they have made no long term retirement plans, as you said, then I guess you and DH ARE their retirement plan.

Lucy, to OP mentioned provinces so I'm guessing she is in Canada.