Am I Really the Horrid DIL Here or Does this Stink?

[MollyMurphy]

I am being made to feel the bad guy here but I am interested to know if that would be a general viewpoint.

My in-laws don?t have a residence. 2 years ago they sold their house because they ?snowbird? to Arizona during the winter for 6 months (where they have a trailer in a seniors community), then they visit family in Nova Scotia over the summer and between the two they used to stop by our city for maybe 2-3 weeks in the spring and 3-4 weeks in the fall. They used to never stay with us but would bounce between my husband?s step-sisters homes.

Anyhow, this year my FIL was having surgery and they asked if they could stay with us for 2 weeks while he recovered. No problem. Then they ended up having additional doctor?s appointments and stayed for 3 full months. They then asked if when they visit in the future if they can stay with us. Fine.

However. Now it seems I?ve signed on to much more than I anticipated. I thought this 3 months thing was a one-off, but it would seem that they have made our city now their ?legal address?. In asking about their plans for 2013 it seems they are now staying with us for well over a month in the spring and another 3 months in the summer/fall. They want to consider themselves as ?living? at our address.

I hate this arrangement. There is nothing wrong with them, but it?s a matter of space and privacy. There is no kitchen in the basement so they have to come upstairs all the time, they want to eat meals with us and socialize at will. We are busy, have full time jobs, a toddler and a baby on the way. When I get home I want to enjoy my private time with my family.

My husband loves his parents, adores having them stay with us, would have them live with us forever if it was up to him and cannot see my point of view at all. I asked him to talk to them about their plans and really firm up how long this is going to continue and he basically told them I?m stressed and pregnant and let see how it goes. They noticed some ?tension? from me and advise they will try to stay in the basement more, but that isn?t really the point is it?

I also think they are taking the piss really. We asked them to pay a minimal amount to help cover their groceries - $300 (which you could tell they thought was too steep) but really that barely covers the cost of them staying with us. If they are going to ?live? with us, then I think it should be mentioned that it costs my husband and I $2000/month plus bills (gas, water, electric, cable, internet etc) to live there and so why are they not pitching in quite a bit more? I am starting to see that they essentially freeload for 6 months of the year. I resent them putting me in this position. They know my DH is loyal and giving to a fault and would never say no to them.

I like helping family out as much as the next person but I can see this turning into an issue for years to come.

What would you do?

OK-I´m missing something here.

They have two homes already-well trailers-a winter & Summer one?

But as well they wanted extended free stays with their grown up children?

I do understand that they want to visit & depending on the distance a couple of nights might not cut it, but even so...

YANBU

it sounds like you have it almost sorted.

Stay strong because by the time chat with the old comes around DH may waver, or try and 'forget' your wishes.

A pre prepared agenda might be good ;)

It would drive me crazy. I can only manage guests in my house for an afternoon. Any longer than that and I get cranky.. your home is your own space to feel comfortable in.

YA SOOO NBU!

Great. Now, if they need a six month a year residence in Alberta they can spend their next visit searching for an apartment. They can rent it out for the other six months, helping them pay for it. Then they have a legitimate residence, healthcare and close access to their family.

The whole idea of being able to depend on adult children in old age is a fraught one and we can all feel warm in theory at the idea of close extended family supporting elderly patents. The crux of this matter, as I read it, is that they didn't ask, they presumed. Then they sensed resistance but still pushed. They haven't been open with you about what they're asking or considered or cared about the implications for you.

They will probably find it uncomfortable to be open with you about their finances. They've always been the parents after all. They need to be able to do this though, unless they make other arrangements independently, because they are asking you a big favour and need to be able to explain why help is needed. Once you know their situation, you'll be in a better position to offer relevant help e.g. to look for suitable apartments.

'He reiterated that his parents were hoping to make our house their permanent address and that he thinks long term they hope to be with family. I told him they can remain very involved with everyone's family and still have their own apartment.'

You need to continue to be very firm that their hopes and your home and relationship are two very different things.

And I would not wait till they get their in Spring to do this.

Also, he needs to tell them this. And I'd insist on it and give him a deadline by which if he hasn't, you will.

As it is, he's been a bit of a knob for putting them above you and not even asking you about how your own home is used.

Just about to pick up DS from school so a quick one....YA DEFINITELY NBU. They are being VVV unreasonable, essentially they have tried to move in with you by stealth. You do need to stand firm on this one. Don't allow them or DH to make you feel like you are in the wrong. If you don't put your foot down this situation will not improve. Good luck!