Am I Really the Horrid DIL Here or Does this Stink?

[MollyMurphy]

I am being made to feel the bad guy here but I am interested to know if that would be a general viewpoint.

My in-laws don?t have a residence. 2 years ago they sold their house because they ?snowbird? to Arizona during the winter for 6 months (where they have a trailer in a seniors community), then they visit family in Nova Scotia over the summer and between the two they used to stop by our city for maybe 2-3 weeks in the spring and 3-4 weeks in the fall. They used to never stay with us but would bounce between my husband?s step-sisters homes.

Anyhow, this year my FIL was having surgery and they asked if they could stay with us for 2 weeks while he recovered. No problem. Then they ended up having additional doctor?s appointments and stayed for 3 full months. They then asked if when they visit in the future if they can stay with us. Fine.

However. Now it seems I?ve signed on to much more than I anticipated. I thought this 3 months thing was a one-off, but it would seem that they have made our city now their ?legal address?. In asking about their plans for 2013 it seems they are now staying with us for well over a month in the spring and another 3 months in the summer/fall. They want to consider themselves as ?living? at our address.

I hate this arrangement. There is nothing wrong with them, but it?s a matter of space and privacy. There is no kitchen in the basement so they have to come upstairs all the time, they want to eat meals with us and socialize at will. We are busy, have full time jobs, a toddler and a baby on the way. When I get home I want to enjoy my private time with my family.

My husband loves his parents, adores having them stay with us, would have them live with us forever if it was up to him and cannot see my point of view at all. I asked him to talk to them about their plans and really firm up how long this is going to continue and he basically told them I?m stressed and pregnant and let see how it goes. They noticed some ?tension? from me and advise they will try to stay in the basement more, but that isn?t really the point is it?

I also think they are taking the piss really. We asked them to pay a minimal amount to help cover their groceries - $300 (which you could tell they thought was too steep) but really that barely covers the cost of them staying with us. If they are going to ?live? with us, then I think it should be mentioned that it costs my husband and I $2000/month plus bills (gas, water, electric, cable, internet etc) to live there and so why are they not pitching in quite a bit more? I am starting to see that they essentially freeload for 6 months of the year. I resent them putting me in this position. They know my DH is loyal and giving to a fault and would never say no to them.

I like helping family out as much as the next person but I can see this turning into an issue for years to come.

What would you do?

I think the wait till after the baby is a way of avoid conflict now and is attached with the assumption that you will be used to it then and it will all work out fine.

I'd have it out now with DH - calmly pointing out the extra work, the extra expense the expectations on you that are building up and that you already resent the situation and the stress at a time you should be being looked after.

Then I would spend some time trying to find some other options you can suggested to DH and his parents that are more acceptable ? but if you can?t find any start with well it?s not our issue they need to make long term plans for themselves.

I think you need to talk to them now and tell them that they are welcome to visit but not use your place as a residence, nor as their address - so where do they want the mail redirected to ?

You are not tied in to next summer at all. Your husband should not have agreed to those plans until he had consulted with you. He needs to be putting his family - ie you and the children - first.

No no no no no no NO! You are NOT tied in to next summer at ALL! Talk to your husband and say you want it stopped right now.

YANBU.

They are weird.

You have to sort this out, and or ban the blighters or get proper £ out of them!

Sheesh and due a bubba? It will only get worse from here luv, promise. Put the brakes on fast.

They are complete free loaders with the hide of rhinoceroses to boot. You and your DH are sleep walking to disaster. You are going to have to be vv v firm because they will stone wall you if you let them - people like this have no shame. Your mil's MS could deteriorate at any time and you, not your DH but quite clearly you will end up as her carer. No no no.

Sounds like are ripping off the health system in whatever province you are in -- they need to live in that province 6 months out of the year to qualify for health insurance and if they're in the USA for 6 months plus spending months in other provinces, that doesn't cut it. You are helping them defraud the system if you let them use your address as their permanent Canadian address. I can imagine if the gov't found out, you'd be in trouble as you consented to their using your address as their official one, and you also know they don't live there 6 months a year. So think about that... do you want to be done for fraud? Maybe a useful way to get your DH's head out of his arse on this.

e.g., for Ontario:

Eligibility

Ontario residents are eligible for provincially funded health coverage (OHIP). Generally, to be eligible for Ontario health coverage you must :

be a Canadian citizen, permanent resident or among one of the newcomer to Canada groups who are eligible for OHIP as set out in Ontario?s Health Insurance Act ; and
be physically present in Ontario for 153 days in any 12-month period; and
be physically present in Ontario for at least 153 days of the first 183 days immediately after establishing residency in the province; and
make your primary place of residence in Ontario.

They are completely taking the piss out of everyone they can in this situation.

they are imposing and i would have to put my foot down! i think you need to talk to your hubby about how unhappy this arrangement is making you. stick to your guns.

I cannot believe you are saying that despite all the advice people have given you on here, you are still going to let them freeload for the summer next year!

Get it sorted now or it will never happen! If they have written you off as being of little importance because you are pregnant an emotional-next year will be no different as you will be sleep-deprived and hormonal!

This would be a massive deal-breaker with DH for me. I would want him to sort it out rather than me. They will forgive him saying difficult things but they won't forgive you; if he won't, then I don't see a pleasant future ahead of you.

Is the previous poster correct about the healthcare implications of being resident in your state? If that is the case, that's seriously dodgy.

This is awful to be taken for a ride like this. Talk to your SILs and see where they see things heading?

You will end up looking after them for the next thirty years if you do not put your foot down now. No question

Wow this sounds like a total nightmare.

Of course your MIL was hinting that your DH should do the basement out for them. I wonder what she is thinking now that he has said that he sees the basement as a place for your DC in the future.

They want to consider themselves living at your address!
The sheer brass neck of some people is almost beyond belief.

Tell them to sod off; and you are not locked into having them for the entire summer either, just tell them now that that's not going to happen - there's no statute of limitations for telling someone they're taking the piss!

If the wedding is at the beginning of August then tell them they can stay for a couple of days at the beginning of August. They don't need to stay until October! It is ten months until August. That is plenty of time for you to tell them it isn't convenient for them to stay for two months and for them to make other arrangements. Ten months isn't short notice!

If their only residence is a trailer then you are probably right that they are not rolling in money, but it isn't your responsibilty to provide free accomodation when you have a young family to support. Is there some sort of housing benefit they could claim in Canada so they could get a permanent residence?

Molly, are you in my end of Canada? In BC? Because you said "most of you are 8 hours ahead of me" :)

I am :o at what you said about not even wanting Mother Theresa standing in your kitchen on Sunday morning.

Good plan to demand a family meeting when they're next here and ask about future plans. It seems they're so thick-skinned that nothing short of "living here is not ok" will get through.

If you have the balls, ask them. Do they really think it's fair that you and dh could be taken to court for defrauding the state? Think of the impact of that on your kids, your finances job prospects etc. I know it's worst case scenario, but it could be a pretty grim future if this doesn't get sorted. HOW did they register as living with you? Wouldn't they need some evidence like a purchase form or rent document?

5 months is a long time away, plenty of time for them to make other arrangements. You and your Dh need to sit and discuss what is going to happen. And write it all down so he doesn't "forget" that you have agreed on these new rules.

It dfoesn't matter where you are in the world. It stinks.
3 or 4 weeks with your in laws in residence MAX.
You married your husband; not his whole fucking family.

No is the hardest word to say. Start practising.

okay....I hashed it out with my DH. I'll put my toddler to bed and update

jaksmania - I am your neighbour over in Alberta

LOL, I spoke plainly to my French-American mother about this. She said, 'I'd borrow to make the basement apartment self-contained. Then I would rent it out. My maternity leave only paid so long and then I had to go back to work. Couldn't afford childcare fees. Had to rent out the apartment. Too bad, so sad.'

Too fecking right.

I said, 'What if they haven't got the money to make the apartment self-contained?'

Oh, well, Franco-American said, 'How will they know? They're over a thousand miles away, if any husband of mine didn't go along, he'd sing a different tune soon.'

She's a complete PITA, but I love my mother :o.

Okay, so I made my position clear to DH. I think it went well - I remained articulate and to the point. I told him that when they come in April We will all need to sit down and hash this out. I told him he needs to know that I will make it clear that while I always want his parents to feel welcome to visit, that I do not want them to live height us. That there has obviously been some confusion around their plans.

I told him that his parents need to have a longer term plan for their retirement, that I didn't want to end up caring for his elderly parents in our home by default. that at some point they will need to actually secure their own place and not just jump around between family. I told him that it is too much strain on our relationship to have extended family live with us as we are so far apart on the issue. I told him that we need to be better educated about how long they are supposed to be in Alberta to qualify as residents and what tax implications could be involved.

he is not happy but was accepting. we did compromise on them spending this summer - he wants them to have enough time to make other arrangements and I agreed but was clear that beyond summer they would need to sort something else out. He reiterated that his parents were hoping to make our house their permanent address and that he thinks long term they hope to be with family. I told him they can remain very involved with everyone's family and still have their own apartment.

feels good to have a firm position and plan. now the next hard part....telling them. I'll have to come back in April to shore up my resolve. I actually think I can feel my blood pressure going down

Bloody auto correct... "With" us not "height" fgs

What you said about Mother Teresa, that is a good line and makes perfect sense to anyone. You did not sign up for living with I laws.

Well done Molly on being clear to yourself and your DH about what you want and need. Remember that blood pressure lowering feeling - that's what you'll be aiming for after the talk with the ILs!

Has your DH told them that their long term plan of shoring up with family is fine by him?