to want to shake some sense into a clueless 38 week pregnant friend?

[Amyo83]

Bear with me, this has quite a bit of a background story but please read all because I could really do with some advice...

Just over a week ago the boyfriend gets a text from a heavily pregnant friend (HPF)? in Hong Kong asking if he still has a spare room as HPF needs to come over to the UK to have the baby in order for the baby to qualify for a UK passport.

HPF manages to find an airline to fly her over at 37 weeks and she arrives with the plan to go into a clinic, have the baby, register the birth, get a passport for DC and fly back 2 weeks later. Later finds out that she can't fly until at least DC is 4 weeks old.

HPF arrives and it transpires that despite having 37 weeks to get things organised, she has nothing really for DC, here in the UK or in HK and is completely clueless in all aspects of childbirth, aftercare and looking after a newborn.

HPF's mother is due to arrive on the 30th (HPF's due date is the 2nd Nov) however she plans on only staying a week and her DH plans to fly over as soon as she starts having contractions. They all plan to fit into boyfriend's tiny boy flat, rendering him homeless and having to take shelter at mine.

We want to help HPF, she desperately needs it. HPF seems to think she can do everything herself, doesn't want to buy too much as she'll have to ship it back to HK and doesn't want to inconvenience anyone. However its very difficult to accept this when she claimed she didn't know what a cot was and believes she can just carry the baby everywhere. And don't get me started on her never hearing of PND and the concern of her being on her own without any preparation in an alien part of London with no-one around her.

Boyfriend and I have tried talking to HPF. We've spoken to friends with babies for their advice but HPF wont listen (we don't have children but like to think we have some common sense). So I'm after some help, stories, what to expect - the good and the bad. Advice to be directed to her (and a little bit to us as no doubt we will be involved in actually helping her once DC is here. We get the feeling that DH is just as clueless.)

So after your initial WTF reaction, which no doubt you will have reading this (everyone else has) please shower us with your knowledge and experience of newborn life for us to print this thread off and subtly leave it stuck to the fridge for HPF to hopefully read. Of course HPF has not read one book on any related subject.

Why don't you give her a little gift basket with useful things;

couple of babygrows
breastpads
small pack nappies
post birth sanitary towels
disposable camera

the hospital will have these things but it might make her think, hang on, why would I need these things? OMFG I'm going to bleed that much.....etc etc

Believe me Imperial we have been really pushing the flat near the hospital but she's adamant she wants to stay at the boyfriends. I don't mind him staying at mine, I quite like it actually but still, not ideal. I think your post is what we're worried about but hopefully her mum and husband will be over then to help out. (Me and the boyfriend are due to go on holiday on the 12th for two weeks so I really do hope that someon will be there with her...)

Hang on Amy, what's her due date again?

2nd. Flew at 37 weeks with BA

Sorry it was in OP note to self must read things properly...

Do either of you know her mum well enough to have a private conversation with her - she must remember how hard childbirth and the aftermath are? Maybe she can come over earlier and stay longer, thus not ruining your holiday from the 12th with guilt pangs.

Has she stayed at the boyfriends before? That might be her "nesting" (such as it is!) in that she wants to stay somewhere she knows and trusts.

Hopefully, once she is here, alone and focussing on the baby, she will catch on. Why dont you buy her a few Mother and Baby type magazines? They usually have the "must have" lists and advice on each issue. That might get her to realise just how unprepared she is.

have you suggested that she talk to her midwife about the journey to hospital etc?

Bluesskysinking...again, please tell me how they stop you leaving the premises without a car seat. What if you don't have a car?
This is just ridiculous scaremongering. It really winds me up. There's enough to worry about being a new parent without making up extra shit to worry about.
Sorry for hijack OP.

1. Thought getting UK passport dependent on nationality of parents not on where born.

1. She will not qualify for NHS treatment on the birth even if she does have a UK or EU passport because need to be resident in the UK to be eligible for NHS care on birth.

1. I actually agree about not buying anything. Other than a few babygros, vests, muslins, cotton wool and some nappies (and in cold weather a snow suit) not sure what else she needs provided you can borrow her a car seat. If you can't borrow her a pram she'll need a sling as well. She can sleep with the baby in bed with her, have a bath with it with her etc.

1. Should be able to fly by 2 weeks, 4 weeks seems a long time.

Something that your bf might want to add for the sake of his mattress, a waterproof cover to go under the sheets. For when the maternity pads are not enough... also if her waters break while she's asleep in it.

Hope all our TMI stuff about the horrors of post-childbirth don't put you off having any of your own in the future btw!

amy,it isant actually essential for her to be supervised at all times,she may be perfectly ok by herself.

lots and lots of mothers are perfectly fine with spending time alone.

most private clinics have a package that includes postnatal care and support so she can ring if she has any issues she will be paying about 5k for the package plus 1k ish for each night she is in the hospital that is the service she is paying for,lots of them also let you buy a baby welcome kit and have nappies and maternity pads availible,she can phone and ask if hers does.

people have been having babies for a very long time with out any fuss at all, some people are just fuss free types who prefer not to prepare by buying stuff. its also possible that she may want to pick up the essentials when her mum arrives or her dh. if she really is hopeless and has no idea (more than is normal for a first time mum) then that will be very clear to the hospital staff afterwards.

just because one woman choses to buy everything baby related that she can does not make one who wont less prepared,you can be surrounded by baby stuff sat on the floor crying with stress because its nothing like you thought it would be and equally as such sat there 3 hours afterwards wanting to go to the shops and wondering what all the fuss was about.

chill

foreverondiet - not only. Both dh and I are british, but our dc were born abroad and we have been told that if they in turn have their children abroad their children will not be entitled to UK passports.

There's enough to worry about being a new parent without making up extra shit to worry about.

Yeah, all those bastards shouting about babies going through the windscreen when they are not in a car seat. What fuckers!

Are you seriously telling me that you would walk or catch the bus home after birth? You need a carseat for EVERY journey. Even if it is only one journey, you need one.

WTF........

bathjelly he can't. His potential DW may be able to or he can apply for an exemption on behalf of his children assuming you or DH were born in the UK. There is nothing you can do short of him naturalising.

British citizenship 101 (the simplified version)

If your parents are British and British born you are entitled to British nationality no matter where you are born
If your parents are British and NOT British born you may not be entitled. It will depend where you are born.

If DC are born overseas to British born parents they are British but cannot automatically pass it on. They are British citizens 'by descent'.

Hence the HPFs issue. If she is British by descent she is probably unable to pass on British nationality unless her DC are born in the UK.

bogey ive got the bus home after 2 of my births, granted i didnt intend to i was going to drive (had checked with insurence company they said if i didnt have any drugs and hospital were happy to discharge me i was insured) but first time the car was blocked in second time it was icy and wouldnt start

Why didnt you get a cab?! I wasnt capable of driving or walking or getting the bus after any of mine!

because the bus stop went straight from the hospital to right outside my driveway its seamed much easyer than having to wait for a cab.

granted most of them i wouldnt have been able to but on those occasions i was apsolutly fine.

I wish I had a bus service like that! Sounds perfect.

I was pretty much poured out of the hospital into a car and then home, anything else would have been impossible.

I lived overseas and flew home to have all 3 dcs. We stayed at my mums and I was a lot more organised than she is, but really some of the responses on here seem to think you need a house full of stuff and shouldn't go anywhere with a baby.

We always had bare minimum as couldn't transport it back with us.

she needs spare pjs/nightie, maternity pads and lots spare knickers. If she is going to bf, she may want bf bras

baby needs a pack of baby vests, nappies, wipes and a pack of baby grows
she will need to borrow/buy a car seat (she may well use it to get baby back on plane)
she will need something to keep baby warm in (snowsuit, hat or swaddle in blanket) of course she won't need that in HK
she will find some cloths useful, most mums use muslins for mopping up baby dribbles etc

She actually doesn't need a buggy or pram, or a moses basket, or a cot, or any toys/playmat etc.

I also find the idea that you have to have it all ready a bit OTT. I enjoyed pottering out to mothercare in the early days once I had decided that for me x or y would be useful

I travelled back with all my dcs at 8 weeks. We got birth certificate within 48 hours, took passport photos at 3 days, got passport within about 4 weeks, and then had to apply for visa for country we were living in. That took another couple of weeks.

There is no legal limit for flying with small babies. It is recommended that you wait til 4 weeks, I know plenty of babies who have travelled long haul at 4 weeks. In fact it was me who wouldn't have wanted to travel sooner (couldn't have sat down that long!!!)

You don't have to use a car seat in a taxi Bogeyface.

Just because you dont legally have to, doesnt mean that you shouldnt!

Bogeyface, where, exactly, did I say I was against car seats? Seriously, point it out!!!

My children have always travelled safely, always in a car seat if necessary.
My argument is about whether hospitals have the power to not allow you to leave without a carseat.

It is a ridiculous notion that is brough up again and again. Along with 'we don't allow you to breastfeed if the baby doesn't gain the right amount of weight' and 'you're not allowed to co-sleep in this hospital'. And don't even get me started on 'you must get baby weighed at the clinic once a fortnight'. Healthcare professionals are not the law!!

I haven't read much beyond the OP lazy, but actually I'm wondering more about you and your friends' take on new motherhood. Why would you talk to a person about to give birth about PND, it is actually quite rare. I also think that her relaxed approach to her impending motherhood will stand her in good stead NOT to suffer PND.

I didn't read any books, I had a moses basket I never used, I found the first 2 months blissful.

She will need nappies (lots of), babygrows and maybe you could offer to do some food shopping for her if you are worried about her. If you are feeling generous then buy her a nice sling to make carrying her baby out and about easier but believe me babies of that age don't need anything really just mum, boob and some support for mum to ensure the boob gives all it should.

How well do you know her? Maybe just maybe she has had previous miscarriage or trouble conceiving so is a bit nervous about buying anything.
I say gift basket as well, if you are so worried .
You don't need a car seat in a taxi in the uk.
There maybe some cultural differences going on. I am British in Asia. Most people where i am don't use cots or prams. It is slings and co sleeping.
Second it will be her grandchildren that will have less rights, so having the baby in the uk will help their rights. The bills can be very high in other countries so be thankful for the NHS.