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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to shake some sense into a clueless 38 week pregnant friend?

217 replies

Amyo83 · 16/10/2012 11:18

Bear with me, this has quite a bit of a background story but please read all because I could really do with some advice...

Just over a week ago the boyfriend gets a text from a heavily pregnant friend (HPF)? in Hong Kong asking if he still has a spare room as HPF needs to come over to the UK to have the baby in order for the baby to qualify for a UK passport.

HPF manages to find an airline to fly her over at 37 weeks and she arrives with the plan to go into a clinic, have the baby, register the birth, get a passport for DC and fly back 2 weeks later. Later finds out that she can't fly until at least DC is 4 weeks old.

HPF arrives and it transpires that despite having 37 weeks to get things organised, she has nothing really for DC, here in the UK or in HK and is completely clueless in all aspects of childbirth, aftercare and looking after a newborn.

HPF's mother is due to arrive on the 30th (HPF's due date is the 2nd Nov) however she plans on only staying a week and her DH plans to fly over as soon as she starts having contractions. They all plan to fit into boyfriend's tiny boy flat, rendering him homeless and having to take shelter at mine.

We want to help HPF, she desperately needs it. HPF seems to think she can do everything herself, doesn't want to buy too much as she'll have to ship it back to HK and doesn't want to inconvenience anyone. However its very difficult to accept this when she claimed she didn't know what a cot was and believes she can just carry the baby everywhere. And don't get me started on her never hearing of PND and the concern of her being on her own without any preparation in an alien part of London with no-one around her.

Boyfriend and I have tried talking to HPF. We've spoken to friends with babies for their advice but HPF wont listen (we don't have children but like to think we have some common sense). So I'm after some help, stories, what to expect - the good and the bad. Advice to be directed to her (and a little bit to us as no doubt we will be involved in actually helping her once DC is here. We get the feeling that DH is just as clueless.)

So after your initial WTF reaction, which no doubt you will have reading this (everyone else has) please shower us with your knowledge and experience of newborn life for us to print this thread off and subtly leave it stuck to the fridge for HPF to hopefully read. Of course HPF has not read one book on any related subject.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 16/10/2012 12:16

Mrskeith, the bloodloss after birth.

but if shes going private she probally wont need a lot of the stuff normally in a hospital bag,when i had mine i just rocked up with a few clean knickers in my handbag and was provided with everything i needed

RubyCreakingGates · 16/10/2012 12:17

Sorry, but where are these hospitals that demand carseats to take your baby home?

I walked home form DS1's birth, and got the bus home from DS2's using a sling in both cases. No-one tryed to stop me leaving, why would they? (different hospitals both in London)

I don't have a car, so why would I buy a carseat? I spent the little money I had on babygrows, vests and some newborn disposables because I didn't think I could cope with washing nappies straight away. DS1 slept in a carry-cot to start with DS2 slept in a baby-hammock. DS2 NEVER had a cot.

That was it, what more do you need? Why would you buy loads of unnecessary crud that's going to be dumped when she flies home?

Original poster
Amyo83 · 16/10/2012 12:19

He could have said no but didn't. I know not everyone would've said yes. She asked for help with a place to stay and he helped.

OP posts:
MrsKeithRichards · 16/10/2012 12:20

Ah right, thanks I was wondering how I'd managed to have two babies without knowing what lochia was!

Blood loss isn't pleasant, plenty of those door stop pads and a pack of big pants and some paracetamol will see her right!

fraktion · 16/10/2012 12:21

I think the most you can do now, given how the situation has already unfolded, is let her know that you'll be there if she needs some help.

It sounds that for a last minute dash she's actually quite on top of things. She is quite right to not want to ship stuff, it's a pain. She can carry the baby, DS didn't go into a pram until he was a couple of months old. She doesn't need a cot, she just needs to read up on safe cosleeping.

Anything else just point her in the direction of Mumsnet.

Your boyfriend, however, is a saint.

StatisticallyChallenged · 16/10/2012 12:21

Ruby I believe a lot of hospitals are very troublesome about leaving without a car seat. Not everyone will be in a fit state to walk or take a bus, and even though I believe it is legal not to use a seat in a taxi, our local hospital won't let you.

bagofholly · 16/10/2012 12:21

So if they've got funds why is she bunking at a mate's place??? That doesn't stack up? And you're looking at THOUSANDS to deliver privately.

IneedAsockamnesty · 16/10/2012 12:22

they only demand a car seat if you are driving home.

Spatsky · 16/10/2012 12:25

I've heard that a lot about hospitals but we walked out of ours without a car seat without a second glance from anyone.

Ephiny · 16/10/2012 12:25

I would leave her to it, unless she asks you for advice or help.

Is she going to the Portland for the birth? She should be well looked after post-birth there.

MummytoMog · 16/10/2012 12:25

She sounds fine to me. My first daughter didn't need any of the baby crap I bought her. I barely used the pram, she slept in with me most of the time and it's not like PND is an inevitability for heavens sake. Babies aren't really all that complicated. All she'll need is some babygros, nappies and a nice stretchy wrap. And if she can't breastfeed, a couple of bottles and some formula. Everything else really can be managed.

MummytoMog · 16/10/2012 12:27

Oh, I carried my son out of the hospital in a blanket, once I realised what a collosal pain in the arse it is carrying them in a car seat.

RubyCreakingGates · 16/10/2012 12:27

I think it would be illegal to detain you though, if you weren't planning on using a car to leave. What could they do?

I'm pretty certain they's only question your lack of car-seat if you were leaving in a car. A carseat would be a definite disadvantage on a bus.

OneLittleToddlingTerror · 16/10/2012 12:30

I feel sorry for your friend. For anyone not having read the thread entirely. The HPF is giving birth privately. Not under NHS. So don't worry about your taxpayers money.

As for Chinese/HK nationality (or dual nationality). I assume the friend is white british by decent. The baby's father is also non-chinese. The child will be rendered stateless if they don't have chinese heritage. (Well not completely stateless because the transfer agreement allowed non-chinese HK borns to continue to have a British overseas passport). It's all very racist and many foreigners who are born in HK have children in this very shit situation. As you can't pass on your foreign citizenship if you acquire it by descent yourself. And that your children can't get HK citizenship either. It's a very heartless situation.

ChuffMuffin · 16/10/2012 12:32

Being born in the UK does not automatically make you a UK citizen. Unlike the US etc. Might want to show your friend that!

maddening · 16/10/2012 12:35

You could go round with a pizza and watch one of those baby programmes - I loved them when I was stuck on the sofa with spd and a chest infection at 37 weeks - there was one that showed the parents bringing the baby home and the first couple of days.

Thing is she is an adult and these are her choices - it's tough as you are feeling some responsibility towards her.

Noqontrol · 16/10/2012 12:35

I wouldn't worry op. babies don't need that much, a few clothes, nappies, cotton wool or wipes, a sling or a pram. And some maternity pads for herself. I didn't really have anything much for dc apart from a few clothes, nappies and a borrowed car seat/buggy. Which your friend probably won't need as I guess she hasn't got a car anyway. She might find a sling or buggy off of freecycle useful, (maybe you could look for her) but I can see her point about not wanting to get too much.

GhostShip · 16/10/2012 12:38

'The boyfriend' :o

surprised noones pointed that out yet.

Beamur · 16/10/2012 12:38

I think you can get cardboard cots in Ikea for about £30.
If her family are nearby they can help get stuff she needs - all you really need are nappies, some clothes, cotton wool and water for cleaning, a couple of muslins are useful and some warm blankets, and a sling to carry the baby. If she's breast feeding she won't need any feeding equipment - but some basics for her would be useful too - pads, big pants, lansinoh would be good too.

GhostShip · 16/10/2012 12:39

Being born in the UK does not automatically make you a UK citizen. Unlike the US etc. Might want to show your friend that!

Its harder to keep US residency though, as a colleague of mine has sadly found out this week :(

lakeofshiningwaters · 16/10/2012 12:40

Sorry but I definitely have a WTF reaction!

She sounds an idiot, and more than that is completely taking the piss with wanting to stay in your boyfriends house, and then bring entire family over. If she has the funds to go private for birth, then she has the funds to rent a flat/stay in a hotel.

Don't worry about her coping with the baby. She either will or she won't. If she does then great, if she doesn't then you and bf might have to help for a while.

I do think your bf should ask her to get somewhere else to stay sorted for when her family arrives. Give her a deadline. It's not fair on him - this is her life, her pregnancy and she & partner should have sorted out citizenship issues way before now. I think she's using your boyfriend.

Original poster
Amyo83 · 16/10/2012 12:41

GhostShip: Don't - to those unaware, it looks like that!!

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 16/10/2012 12:41

Well if anything, it's the passport you should be concerned about. They're going to be in your boyfriend's flat until it's sorted, no?

PrincessSymbian · 16/10/2012 12:45

Whereabouts in London is she on regards to the clinic? Has she. Thought about how she is going to get there?

Birdsgottafly · 16/10/2012 12:48

but where are these hospitals that demand carseats to take your baby home

Liverpool Womens does, even if you don't own a car. I doubt that a private hospital will.

OP, she sounds like myself, tbh, i bitterly disappointed all of the voices of doom, by not needing stiches, recovering quickly, bf without a problem and managing on my own.

Paternity leave didn't exist and you would ave been laughed at if you would suggested that a woman needed help with a baby, in the 80's.

They need to be kept warm (so clothes/blankets), clean (so toiletries/nappies) and as others have said mum needs stuff for the after effects of birth.