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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to shake some sense into a clueless 38 week pregnant friend?

217 replies

Amyo83 · 16/10/2012 11:18

Bear with me, this has quite a bit of a background story but please read all because I could really do with some advice...

Just over a week ago the boyfriend gets a text from a heavily pregnant friend (HPF)? in Hong Kong asking if he still has a spare room as HPF needs to come over to the UK to have the baby in order for the baby to qualify for a UK passport.

HPF manages to find an airline to fly her over at 37 weeks and she arrives with the plan to go into a clinic, have the baby, register the birth, get a passport for DC and fly back 2 weeks later. Later finds out that she can't fly until at least DC is 4 weeks old.

HPF arrives and it transpires that despite having 37 weeks to get things organised, she has nothing really for DC, here in the UK or in HK and is completely clueless in all aspects of childbirth, aftercare and looking after a newborn.

HPF's mother is due to arrive on the 30th (HPF's due date is the 2nd Nov) however she plans on only staying a week and her DH plans to fly over as soon as she starts having contractions. They all plan to fit into boyfriend's tiny boy flat, rendering him homeless and having to take shelter at mine.

We want to help HPF, she desperately needs it. HPF seems to think she can do everything herself, doesn't want to buy too much as she'll have to ship it back to HK and doesn't want to inconvenience anyone. However its very difficult to accept this when she claimed she didn't know what a cot was and believes she can just carry the baby everywhere. And don't get me started on her never hearing of PND and the concern of her being on her own without any preparation in an alien part of London with no-one around her.

Boyfriend and I have tried talking to HPF. We've spoken to friends with babies for their advice but HPF wont listen (we don't have children but like to think we have some common sense). So I'm after some help, stories, what to expect - the good and the bad. Advice to be directed to her (and a little bit to us as no doubt we will be involved in actually helping her once DC is here. We get the feeling that DH is just as clueless.)

So after your initial WTF reaction, which no doubt you will have reading this (everyone else has) please shower us with your knowledge and experience of newborn life for us to print this thread off and subtly leave it stuck to the fridge for HPF to hopefully read. Of course HPF has not read one book on any related subject.

OP posts:
FredFredGeorge · 16/10/2012 17:58

BathJelly Your DS1's children will not gain British Citizenship under the current rules unless they are born in the UK. (depending on various things, but that's the issue at stake, either the OP's friend was not born in the UK, or she wants to ensure that the DC is able to pass on nationality)

ScarahStratton · 16/10/2012 18:05

Hmm we'll as far as being prepared goes, I didn't attend any ante natal classes (too ill), didn't buy anything (too ill, PILs went out and got everything for me), and had never even held a baby until I had DD1.

I coped. I didn't have PND.

DD2, on the other hand. Had everything, knew sort of what I was doing, and had loads if help.

Had the most horrendous PND, and was hospitalised for 3 months. Which was actually great, I'd spent pretty much the whole of both pregnancies in hospital, and was quite happy to extend my stay somewhat - lots of nice nurses, lovely room, and bugger all else to do.

Bathjelly · 16/10/2012 18:06

Thanks Fred-do you know where can I find out how to apply for him? (Sorry- don't want to hijack post!) :)

TheProvincialLady · 16/10/2012 18:07

I find it hard to believe that any airline would carry a 37 weeks pregnant woman on a long haul flight.

NatashaBee · 16/10/2012 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BionicEmu · 16/10/2012 18:59

Aside from the things everyone else has said, the first thing that sprung into my mind is that does she know that only approx. 2% of babies are born on their due date? It's all very well her mother coming over a few days before and staying for a week, but a lot of babies (in particular first babies) go overdue, so at that surely there's a risk her mother will have gone back before she's even had the baby?!

And as for husband flying over once her contractions start - well, my DH was a 2 hour drive away when I called him from the hospital to say I was actually in labour, and he turned up just as I was pushing DS out.

fairyfriend · 16/10/2012 19:32

Well I agree with the OP- she sounds like a moron. 'Doesn't know what a cot is'? Really? And I also think it's hilarious that her partner is flying out at the start of labour!

As an aside....those of you saying there are hospitals that 'won't let you leave' without a carr seat...do you know how ridiculous that sounds? What are they going to do, call the police? They have no power to keep you or your baby there!

Original poster
Amyo83 · 16/10/2012 19:55

Thanks all for the responses, makes for interesting reading. Knowing that she can get away with the bare minimum is good. I loved the idea of sleeping in a drawer but we do have an old Moses basket that we can use.

We would love for her husband to fly over pre-contractions and for her mum not to have a fixed date and duration but at the moment that's as far as we've got - it was just going to be her on her own.

If anything, this thread has reassured myself and the boyfriend. So many responses saying let her get on with it then fine we will but we're only five minutes walk away in my flat if she needs us but hopefully her family will be here by then.

Will definitely make sure she looks into taxis taking her if she's in labour...

OP posts:
kaz1119 · 16/10/2012 20:03

I never used a cot/moses basket for my Dc - we coslept. Neither of my Dc ever drank from a bottle - i did breast feed. I did not use a pram either in the girst months- i used a sling. Most of the clothes for the first year were hand me downs or ebay bargains. You dont need always a lot of expensive things for a baby...

JustFabulous · 16/10/2012 20:04

I am interested to know why you have "an old moses basket" when you don't have children.

ohanotherone · 16/10/2012 20:06

Fairy - even more ridiculous is the poster who said about hospitals "detaining" someone - WTF. Hospitals can only detain someone who has an episode of illness so severe that they can be sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

Bigwheel · 16/10/2012 20:09

I actually think her attitude is quite refreshing and entirely practical if she's planning on flying back to hk in 4 weeks. In all honestly all baby needs are a few nappys and a couple of baby grows. Baby can either sleep with mum or in a drawer or similar. If she breastfeeds she won't need anything for feeding. You don't need a buggy, although I think she would find a sling like a Kari me or moby wrap useful. That said I think she might be in for a bit of a shock as to how much a baby changes your life and the power of hormones. But I think all new mums find it a shock!

BionicEmu · 16/10/2012 20:11

Is she wanting her mother over for the birth or more for some support afterwards? If it's more for support afterwards then it would make more sense for her to hold off until she's actually in labour, then the week that she's over will definitely be after the baby's born.

FWIW, I laboured quite happily with no friends or family there - the midwives were fantastic and I had a medical student and a student midwife with me throughout, doing whatever I asked them to. If she has a longer labour then is there a friend who could come with her instead? Or even not to the labour, but just come immediately after she's had the baby in hospital?

Obviously I don't know your pregnant friend, but personally I would much rather have the help guaranteed afterwards rather than risk having nobody there for the birth and afterwards. Similarly, I think some pregnant ladies get very stressed when they're overdue anyway, so I'm not sure that the added pressure of her having to give birth in the next x days before her mother has to go back is really going to help her.

Bogeyface · 16/10/2012 20:18

Dont worry too much. If the staff at the clinic spot that she has literally nothing then they will sort out a shopping list for her DH. Does she not even have clothes for the baby to come home in?!

And as for the Chelsea tickets, thats one for the "Things I wish I had known before I had a baby" book! We all thought we would be up and about and back to normal within days, and then we found out the truth!

What i would do though, is make a list of the bare essenstials and then be prepared to go shopping for her (with her money!) when she realises just how little she has. Oh, and she will get visits from the midwife and health visitor after the birth who will keep an eye on her.

discrete · 16/10/2012 20:18

It sounds just fine, apart from imposing on your bf's flat.

All she needs is nappies and a few clothes.

She can carry the baby everywhere for the first few weeks, but she may decide she would rather use a sling. Time enough to get it when baby is born, though.

If she's planning to bf, it may be a good idea to have some helpline numbers handy, but they are easy enough to find if she is actually struggling.

I didn't have anything more than nappies and clothes when ds1 was born, I bought the rest as and when I saw the need for it.

NapOfTheDamned · 16/10/2012 20:18

My baby was happiest on a cheap cellular blanket on a firm beanbag,it helped his reflux.
He did fine with some wet facecloths to wipe his bum, was washed in the sink, or had baths with me without detergent in, sore a supermarket pack of babygrows and vests in rotation, used a borrowed stretchy sling and BF.

Babies do not need much and supermarkets deliver and are open long hours.
New mothers need toast, tea,cake, fruit, a takeaway delivery number and lots of paracetamol and primary big pants and Kotex night time towels, and an old track suit.and a shoulder to weep on.

NapOfTheDamned · 16/10/2012 20:19

Primary big pants.
Wore a supermarket pack of baby gros.
Fucking iPad.

Oh yeah, and the new mother needs to know about mumsnet.

X

Bogeyface · 16/10/2012 20:19

I smell Victoria Beckham in the "carry the baby everywhere" thing!

NapOfTheDamned · 16/10/2012 20:20

PRIMARK FUCK YOU IPAD

BlueSkySinking · 16/10/2012 20:20

All she really needs is a good sling to carry baby around. She may possibly need a cheap flat laying buggy if the birth is difficult and she has problems carrying baby in sling. Some hospitals will only let a baby leave the premises as long as they are in a baby car seat. A cot is unnecessary as it's normal to co-sleep or use sometimes a moses basket.

BlueSkySinking · 16/10/2012 20:22

wouldn't bother with bottles if BFing.

Bogeyface · 16/10/2012 20:25

She will definitely need a car seat if she is cabbing it. She has to get from hospital to flat, flat to football match, football match to flat flat to airport, airport to home at the absolute minimum.

imperialstateknickers · 16/10/2012 20:44

She won't need much stuff for the baby, other people's lists are good. My worry is that she and her partner aren't prepared for how knackered she's going to be, and the physical state she'll be in. Does she realise that her bump will still be there as a floppy lump for a couple of weeks, and that she is going to lose Niagara quantities of blood for about 10 days? And that she is not going to get a whole night's sleep for several months to come?
If there's anyway they can afford to rent somewhere nearer the clinic for a few weeks they really should do so.

Bogeyface · 16/10/2012 20:45

Thats a good point Imperial does she by any chance has a case full of size 10 jeans to fly home in?

Pudgy2011 · 16/10/2012 20:46

She sounds like a fucking eejit. 37 weeks pregnant and hasn't yet bothered to look at the internet to see what she might need?

Has she considered that it's highly unlikely that any doctor will allow her to fly long haul at 37 weeks and no airline will allow her to fly without a doctors certificate?

Not to mention the fact that your poor boyfriend has to move out of his flat to make way for her and her mum whilst they apparently stay to try and get a British passport (only applicable if she and DH are already British citizens?) after which they'll fuck back off to HK but don't really want to inconvenience anyone?

You both sound lovely, but I stand by my initial reaction. She's a fucking moron. And her equally vacant DH sounds just as useless. Can't believe people this stupid are procreating without preparation. Sigh.