to want to shake some sense into a clueless 38 week pregnant friend?

[Amyo83]

Bear with me, this has quite a bit of a background story but please read all because I could really do with some advice...

Just over a week ago the boyfriend gets a text from a heavily pregnant friend (HPF)? in Hong Kong asking if he still has a spare room as HPF needs to come over to the UK to have the baby in order for the baby to qualify for a UK passport.

HPF manages to find an airline to fly her over at 37 weeks and she arrives with the plan to go into a clinic, have the baby, register the birth, get a passport for DC and fly back 2 weeks later. Later finds out that she can't fly until at least DC is 4 weeks old.

HPF arrives and it transpires that despite having 37 weeks to get things organised, she has nothing really for DC, here in the UK or in HK and is completely clueless in all aspects of childbirth, aftercare and looking after a newborn.

HPF's mother is due to arrive on the 30th (HPF's due date is the 2nd Nov) however she plans on only staying a week and her DH plans to fly over as soon as she starts having contractions. They all plan to fit into boyfriend's tiny boy flat, rendering him homeless and having to take shelter at mine.

We want to help HPF, she desperately needs it. HPF seems to think she can do everything herself, doesn't want to buy too much as she'll have to ship it back to HK and doesn't want to inconvenience anyone. However its very difficult to accept this when she claimed she didn't know what a cot was and believes she can just carry the baby everywhere. And don't get me started on her never hearing of PND and the concern of her being on her own without any preparation in an alien part of London with no-one around her.

Boyfriend and I have tried talking to HPF. We've spoken to friends with babies for their advice but HPF wont listen (we don't have children but like to think we have some common sense). So I'm after some help, stories, what to expect - the good and the bad. Advice to be directed to her (and a little bit to us as no doubt we will be involved in actually helping her once DC is here. We get the feeling that DH is just as clueless.)

So after your initial WTF reaction, which no doubt you will have reading this (everyone else has) please shower us with your knowledge and experience of newborn life for us to print this thread off and subtly leave it stuck to the fridge for HPF to hopefully read. Of course HPF has not read one book on any related subject.

She'll figure it out, she won't have much choice. To be honest, no-one really has a clue till they've done it.

Tell her to get a moses basket anyway, so she can put the baby down to go to the loo. And some babygros and vests. Then she's pretty much sorted.

I'm assuming she is BCD, or her parents were BCD and the chain stops there and neither of them hold Chinese nationality which is what the baby would end up with if born in HK.

She will need to pay for the birth. She will find the birthing culture in the UK very different to HK so you're not unreasonable to be concerned for her there.

What will she do if baby is late?

She won't need lots of stuff. Nappies, cotton wool, muslins, 2 7x packs of vests from the supermarket, 4 3x packs of sleepsuits, a couple of little hats, a pram suit, a sling, probably a car seat.

Everything else (bottles etc) can be bought if needed at a 24hr place.

To be honest, I read loads before I had ds. But when it came to giving birth/having a newborn - it didn't make a blind bit if difference!

It really is one of those experiences that you can't understand until you have done it!

Has she registered with a hospital? I'm sure the midwives will discuss what is going to happen.

If she hasn't, I would suggest you tell her that she can't just turn up in a&e when she goes into labour! She really should know where she is going to give birth. I'm guessing you don't want her having a home birth in your bfs flat

If she is a British Citizen by descent, she can't automatically pass on her British nationality to her child if it is born overseas - I am assuming this is the case, if she is coming back to UK to have it. If she is a British National (Overseas), formerly a British Dependent Territories Citizen because of her Hong Kong links, I am not sure how this works with having a child in UK, and its nationality, as, as far as I remember, BN (O) status can't be passed on. But if the child would otherwise be stateless and is born in UK, then I think there is some provision for it to have British nationality. But the chances of getting this sorted in two weeks are slim, I would think.

I'll caveat this by saying that my knowledge of the BNA is probably a bit out of date by now, so this isn't gospel.

I travelled from overseas to have my baby in UK at 36 weeks. While not entirely happy about the situation, and having been given prior knowledge by my office, confirming my entitlement to NHS care, my local GP surgery came up trumps with midwife appointments and ante-natal classes.

Dd1 was born overseas, dh is British, I am not. The next time we went back for a holiday we applied for her passport. There were no problems at all.

I arrived in the UK at 36 weeks pg, at my midwife appt, I was told I would need to have an assessment to see if I was entitled to NHS care. They wanted to see bills in my name, payslips, and bank statements. I think they have tightened up a lot ( and rightly so).

Cross post

No problems then - the clinic will make sure she is prepared for what she needs to be

I also had very little for my baby as I didn't want to schlep loads of stuff overseas. Nappies, vests, babygros, something to cover it outdoors, a sling, a breast pump. Baby slept with me for the first four weeks, then on plane and home. You really don't need much (and I didn't need half of what I had, given the amount of stuff I was given as gifts or hand me downs,.

I didn't think it mattered if only one parent was British -- the requirements are if one OR both parents are.

One parent, but has to be other than by descent, Dreaming - so either by birth, naturalisation or registration.

As long as she is a British Citizen and born in Britain the baby will be British too.

If she is not resident in the UK he will have to pay for her delivery and health care (you said clinic - not sure if you meant private).

She might be better off staying put. Where are her parents?

As for all the other stuff, many a baby has spent its first weeks in a drawer lined with sheets. The PM's youngest slept in a cardboard box for a couple of weeks.

Nappies - yes of course

A few clothes, and that's about it.

It all depends what status she has. However she's here now so not muh tht can be done.

Clinic is sorted.

She just needs to get some stuff. And you don't need loads.

Why is she staying with you? If she's got the funds to pay for a private delivery in the UK, she's got the funds to stay at Claridges, which is actually cheaper!

Immigration is a minefield. I turned up with my two British born DSs and my Canadian born DD at Heathrow.......DD was traveling on her Canadian passport and they didn't want to let her in, they stamped her passport for six months with no recourse to public funds.....she was 10mo and the child of two British born parents.......I had to contact the home office ASAP, so said the immigration officer, I didn't, I just applied for her British passport the same day.

That's what I thought MrsS. Just responding to the OP's point that it was because of the friend's husband's status (non-British) that she had to come over, when really what matters is the friend's status (what kind of British citizen).

It's fab that you want to help her, but perhpas she really feels like she knows what she is doing.

Lots of people mentioning what she'll need for the baby - but she'll need some things for her too. If she's trying to plan football tickets for 5 days post-birth it's doubtful she's ever heard of lochia...

Hospital bag (see here for a good list)
Lansinoh and a copy of the Womanly Art of Breastfeeding
Multi-pack of cheap big black knickers
At least two packs of maternity pads
Paracetamol, extra strength
Peppermint oil capsules (for the wind)
Thermos mug

If she DOES deliver privately they'll sort her with loads of stuff - nappies, baby nighties, cotton wool, vests etc etc.

Friend is BBC I believe. Although we're not really concerned about the passport at the moment. That's something her and her family have to sort out.

We just want to make sure she's going to be ok until her family show up.

Just leave her to it and offer help once the baby is born, don't meddle. She might ask for help, or you could pop round when she's out of hospital with nappies, some basic/cheap baby clothes which she can chuck before going back to HK, and be amenable to helpingthen. But right now leave her to it!

What's lochia?

I would just let her get on with it.

So where is she delivering and how will she pay for it?

Baby is being delivered at a private clinic. They have the funds.

I can appreciate people saying let her get on with it. Perhaps if I didn't feel so involved anyway I would be the same. I mean, what do I know. But I am involved, even by just wanting to help my boyfriend out who has been kicked out of his flat. He's been put in this situation with only 5 days notice of her coming over and its been a very strange week and a half.

He didnt have to move out of his flat. No is a complete sentence.

I assume your boyfriend could have said no?