to want to shake some sense into a clueless 38 week pregnant friend?

[Amyo83]

Bear with me, this has quite a bit of a background story but please read all because I could really do with some advice...

Just over a week ago the boyfriend gets a text from a heavily pregnant friend (HPF)? in Hong Kong asking if he still has a spare room as HPF needs to come over to the UK to have the baby in order for the baby to qualify for a UK passport.

HPF manages to find an airline to fly her over at 37 weeks and she arrives with the plan to go into a clinic, have the baby, register the birth, get a passport for DC and fly back 2 weeks later. Later finds out that she can't fly until at least DC is 4 weeks old.

HPF arrives and it transpires that despite having 37 weeks to get things organised, she has nothing really for DC, here in the UK or in HK and is completely clueless in all aspects of childbirth, aftercare and looking after a newborn.

HPF's mother is due to arrive on the 30th (HPF's due date is the 2nd Nov) however she plans on only staying a week and her DH plans to fly over as soon as she starts having contractions. They all plan to fit into boyfriend's tiny boy flat, rendering him homeless and having to take shelter at mine.

We want to help HPF, she desperately needs it. HPF seems to think she can do everything herself, doesn't want to buy too much as she'll have to ship it back to HK and doesn't want to inconvenience anyone. However its very difficult to accept this when she claimed she didn't know what a cot was and believes she can just carry the baby everywhere. And don't get me started on her never hearing of PND and the concern of her being on her own without any preparation in an alien part of London with no-one around her.

Boyfriend and I have tried talking to HPF. We've spoken to friends with babies for their advice but HPF wont listen (we don't have children but like to think we have some common sense). So I'm after some help, stories, what to expect - the good and the bad. Advice to be directed to her (and a little bit to us as no doubt we will be involved in actually helping her once DC is here. We get the feeling that DH is just as clueless.)

So after your initial WTF reaction, which no doubt you will have reading this (everyone else has) please shower us with your knowledge and experience of newborn life for us to print this thread off and subtly leave it stuck to the fridge for HPF to hopefully read. Of course HPF has not read one book on any related subject.

What happens if there's an emergency and she needs a section or baby needs support and is in hospital for longer and they can't fly straight back? Why are they coming over here for birth?

Why have you posted this twice?

She doesn't need loads of things of she's going to be flying back to HK quickly, but she will need nappies, vests, babygros, a few warmer things such as cardigans and a coat. She also must have a car seat as she won't be allowed to take the baby out of hospital without one (in most places if not all) - most airplanes will fly a car seat at no charge, so she can take it with her when she goes. She also needs somewhere for the baby to sleep, but this doesn't need to be a cot, even a few pillows placed around an area on her bed would suffice. When she returns to HK she needs to think about a cot, a pushchair/ buggy/ sling etc, but if you have frinds who have children themselves amybe they would be prepared to help her out with loans of things for a few weeks. YANBU to want her to be a bit more organised but lots of people just get on with it, and no amount of preparation can really prepare you for having a baby.

I started typing, dd started fussing and presto - x-post with everyone!

There are two threads on this...

As I said on the other thread - leave her to it and stop fussing about problems that aren't yours.

Why on earth is she coming here to have the baby. I have had a baby abroad, I'm British and mynDD has dual nationality, but we were paying tax in our adopted country.......would it have been fair to use the NHS when we hadn't been paying into the system for the previous five years, me thinks that would have been taking the piss.

I think she sounds great.

My best friend in the whole world ever is pregnant.

She's avoiding stinky cheese and trying to cut back on coffee but that's about it. She has resisted all calls for them to move to a bigger flat, has never once considered the size or expense of the pram required, dresses and behaves exactly as she always done (minus the booze), and would sooner die than wear a Baby on Board badge. She;s intending to carry on doing what she has always done, with a baby in tow, and knows that it might not eb possible, but that she will find all that out in her own sweet time.

Parents can find out for themselves how they want to parent. I think it's a real shame to expect them to be burdened with hideous and/or expensive expectations.

She will be ok. Nothing you have said really alarms me all that much tbh. Perhaps she will be in for a shock when the baby arrives but alot of first time mums get a shock. As for stuff, you dont need anything apart from a few nappies and babygros really. I had dc5 this year, she is breastfed so no bottles she sleeps with me so no cot and although i have a pram you dont need one plenty of people do carry the baby about.

She doesn't necessarily need a pram or a buggy. I've travelled in countries where literally no one has buggies, if it's only for a few weeks it's perfectly doable.

sorry, but my advice is to change the locks on your BF's flat. How the hell does she get the right to import her entire extended family into your BF's flat because she wants the baby to have a British Passport.

"HPF arrives and it transpires that despite having 37 weeks to get things organised, she has nothing really for DC, here in the UK or in HK and is completely clueless in all aspects of childbirth, aftercare and looking after a newborn." If she's had 37 weeks, why hasn't she rented a flat and moved out here earlier? Sorry, but her ability or otherwise to look after her child isn't the issue here. She needs to have made her own plans, not dragged you into them. Ignore her and, if she hasn't already moved in, tell her the deal is off and she'll need to find somewhere else to stay. Stop allowing yourselves to be steamrollered by her. "I'm pregnant" doesn't give you the right to move into someone else's flat!

Jodie I was 4 months pregnant when at a party, someone whipped a plate of garlic prawns out of my hand and declared 'Ooooooo none of those for you!' Honestly, I nearly fucking killed her - and ate them anyway. I didn't eat cheese because I had had poisoning from it before and it was so bad there was no way I wanted to even take the tiniest risk.

Why is she coming to britain using british hospital facilities when there could be british citizens needing to use them?

she can just carry the baby round and she wont need a cot untill she goes home,

all she really needs is nappies and about 4 babygros 4 vests a cardi and a hat. worst case sernario baby can sleep in a drawer (removed from unit) lined with a folded short pile towel.

Maybe she is British, Witches?

Val you're KIDDING

You should have killed her.

A GP pal of mine is 8 months' pregnant and with a steaming cold, and some controlling bint at Boot's wouldn't sell her some (perfectly safe) cold medication.

She therefore had to cancel a couple of hours of her work as a clinician in order to travel to her own GP and get a prescription, thus wasting several hours of NHS time.

Off on a tangent, sorry

And this is the first time OP has posted on MN (actually the second, because she has also posted this in chat).

If she hasn't been resident for a certain number of years she will be treated like any other health tourist and billed for her care

However, there was a report out recently that showed just how bad the nhs are at collecting those debts so she may not hae to worry about it

Yes to clarify, friend is British, husband is not and you apparetly you can't apply for the baby to have a british passport anymore like that hence her arriving 4 days after finding this out.

Our concern is that regardless of being here in the UK or in HK, we would've thought that she would have at least somethings prepared. She has nothing, no she did buy a small packet of 33 newborn nappies from Asda the other day.

I may be being sceptical, I've not been through childbirth but I'd like to think I'd have somethings prepared? On Sunday, after being here a week, she was trying to organise Chelsea tickets for her, her husband and a potentially 5 day old baby, depending if they are born on their due date. Not quite the preparation I was really thinking of.

Myself and boyfriend are trying to help her but she believes she can do this completely on her own. Maybe she can, but I'd be more confident in that thought if she was a little more prepared...

Oooooooooooooooo didn't clock onto that

Also, I know a hospital has to take her in, but at 37 weeks registering for care, they wont be happy about it. Is she paying for private?

Hong Kong nationals are usually VERY clued up on British nationality issues, and if she is from the NT, she may need to have her DCs in UK else the generational rule may kick in about transmissibility.

She probably hasn't bought much as she won't want to schlep it all back to HK (where it will be very easy for her to buy everything she needs when she needs it).

And it's very common in HK to see babies and toddlers being carried in slings as it is just so very crowded there. Her expectations on that one will have been formed by her environment.

OP: all you can do is be supportive in the light of her actual needs in the few weeks she is here. PND is not a given, so I hope you can avoid giving her self-fulfilling prophecies. Can you actually manage the practicalities of her stay? Or are you looking for advice on tactful ways to turf her out?

Also for clarification, she is here - has been for a week and visiting a private clinic to have the baby delivered.

Sorry for posting twice - not quite used to this Mumset thing. Just trying to help (the boyfriend more. He looks exhausted.)

I'm not an expert but if your friend is a British citizen I can't see how they wouldn't let her bring her child back with her should she ever come home, how strange

But if she's British then she doesn't need to have the baby in the UK for it to get a British passport, as long as she was born in UK she just needs to attach her birth certificate to the passport application.

I'd be more annoyed that she is being a healthcare tourist than the lack of preparation, I hope she gets sent a big bill.

Help for her in the run up and for her stay. We don't want to turf her out.