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Original poster

To find "gender competitiveness" among mums/women really disturbing?

204 replies

MmBovary · 12/10/2012 11:36

I'm the mother of two little boys and since pregnant with my second boy, I started hearing and perceiving a very detrimental attitude from mums and other women to having only boys.

The funny thing is I consider myself a feminist in many ways and will always advocate for gender equality in all its forms, but since having boys I'm perceiving a nasty attitude towards having boys only and I find it so demoralising and annoying, to say the least.

I also have to say that the malicious comments come mainly from women, not men, which I find even more disturbing.

I have heard people saying "poor you" when I said that I was expecting another boy. Or women commening on other women having "four boys" with pity in their eyes.

I also saw documentaries of women so desperate to have "the girl" that they went into IVF to be able to choose the gender of their child. The message of the documentary was horrible, basically that these women were so miserable because they had only boys. Imagine what these poor boys are going to think when they understand that message. That they were not good enough because of their gender? We, as women, have been fighting for centuries to avoid that kind of attitude, and now we seem to be promoting it, but the other way round.

Having children is a beautiful experience, no matter what sex they are. Why are some women out there making it all about a competition about having the "girly girl", and making it sound as if having boys only in something to be avoided?

I have two children and I don't want to have more. I would never try for another baby for the sake of expecting to have a girl.

The irony of this little annecdote is that the more I immerse myself in the so called "woman's world", in terms of gender roles as wife, mother, co worker, and even friendship etc, the more I start to think it's quite awful. It's a world full of petty jealousies, judgements and competitiveness and it seems so hard to run away from it, unless you're prepared to be on your own.

If I had a daughter, I would be sick worried of what lies ahead for her.

OP posts:
LoveYouForeverMyBaby · 13/10/2012 23:40

maureencognito you are talking the biggest pile of shit. I adore dd and love having a daughter.the manner in which you speak "shit pink...periods" quite frankly put makes you sound bitter. I love having a dd not to dress up but because I am glad we have a mother/daughter bond.

dysfunctionalme · 14/10/2012 07:31

franca I don't know Athing, what I know is that some people I know feel rather smug about having girls.

I agree with you. But to a point I think we all feel a little "smug" about our children and families possibly as a coping mechanism. That is, "knowing" we're lucky and that our children are gorgeous is almost biological and gives us the drive and energy to provide for them. Just as mothers are programmed to react to their baby's cries. IYKWIM

Or maybe it's just me...

ledkr · 14/10/2012 08:23

I have 3 boys and when my h left us they were 18 16 and 12 the 16 yr old sat up all night with me when it happened they all helped around the house whilst I was useless they took total control of their 8 month old sister when I worked picking her up from childminder giving her tea a bath and putting her to bed. They also did early mornings before going off to school themselves, they encouraged me to go out with friends and babysat if I did they chipped in from part time jobs so that we could still have a holiday.
When I eventually met a new man they were pleased and made him very welcome,
There are no stereotypes in my family ds 3 was a ballet dancer and ds2 likes ironing the mad fool.
They are all normal lads who like girls and going out with their mates but visit often step in to help if needed and never forget my birthday.
Children are what you make them regardless of their gender and with expectations like someone listed on this thread it's hardly surprising there is negativity about boys.

ledkr · 14/10/2012 08:27

Also have to add that I had dd 2 a year ago and as it was dh,s first and only child he had a lot of "every man wants a son" comments

Lueji · 14/10/2012 08:36

Recent research on a non European country suggested that mums of only boys were less healthy.
I guess because in traditional cultures they are a burden.

But also because pregnancy with boys is more draining, so it seems.

But I have a boy and he's lovely.
Much better than some girls I know.

ledkr · 14/10/2012 08:48

Again though I think that's all about expectations if a mother doesn't expect them to help out and be independent then she will automatically run around after them and they will allow her to and become lazy.
As for pregnancy I taught tap through all my boy pregnancies but my 2 dds half killed me but then I was a lot older,

jellybeans · 14/10/2012 12:30

I think many smug mums may just be ignorant though like I was before I had boys. When you have your own boy things are different, well for me it was an eye opener! Also maybe deep down they want a boy but counteract it with 'girls are better' feelings? Perhaps this is what I did. I wish people weren't so negative about boys though. I don't get why friends with just boys were so obsessed with having girls. In most cases they got a girl eventually and is treated as a princess. One said the boys were for the husband and now she has a girl 'for her'. 'Girly days shopping' a plenty etc. I have both and don't do girly days etc. I would be just as likely to go shopping with DS as DD.

dysfunctionalme · 14/10/2012 12:45

I think it's a bit like the saying that people without children and people with children feel sorry for each other.

Mothers/parents of girls feel sorry for mothers/parents of boys and vice versa.

StrawberrytallCAKE · 14/10/2012 12:57

And I wish people weren't so negative about mothers of girls Hmm

AThingInYourLife · 14/10/2012 14:15

"Mothers/parents of girls feel sorry for mothers/parents of boys and vice versa."

I certainly don't feel remotely sorry for my friends with all boys.

Why would I?

They have gorgeous, funny children.

And I certainly don't think anyone has any need to feel sorry for me with my 3 girls.

There's really no reason to pity anyone their children. It's kind if horrible.

Original poster
MmBovary · 14/10/2012 14:32

Baskingseals, what a lovely post you wrote.

gender is not black and white - or indeed blue or pink. like many things in life it is of many hues. i do say to dd, who i 10, that boys and girls are more similiar than they are different, to see the person not just the gender

What a beautiful to message to pass to your children. Gender stereotypes are so damaging to everyone.

I have to make a conscious effort to bite my tongue when I hear some derogatory comment about having boys only and not reply with another derogatory one in the opposite direction.

The more we become aware of these issues and bring them to focus, the more we can change our attitutes as individuals. And stop spreading the "ball of bitchiness", so to speak.

I also keep telling my son who's six that women and men are equally intelligent and capable and that they should not be judged by their gender. Gender, after all, is a mere accident in our lives. Who we choose to be or what we choose to say is not.

OP posts:
LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 14/10/2012 16:21

I do think that you tend to get those sort of comments whichever way around the gender split is. I have 2DDs and when I was pregnant with our third child (DS) I got many comments that it would be nice if 'it was a boy'. I was 44 at the time and all my attention was focussed on having a viable pregnancy (not even a 'perfect' baby - whatever that is). It truly never occurred to me to be concerned about the gender of our baby. BTW he is (15 months now) and scrummy and those women who feel sorry for mothers of boys have got it wrong IMO. DD1 and DD2 are fantastic too. We are blessed to have children whatever their gender.

LoveYouForeverMyBaby · 14/10/2012 19:04

Definetly agree strawberry

Mintyy · 14/10/2012 19:41

"Mothers/parents of girls feel sorry for mothers/parents of boys and vice versa."

Do not agree one little bit! I have several friends with 3 boys, one with 5 girls, and every imaginable combination of 1, 2, 3 or 4 children in between.

I don't feel sorry for any of them and I very much doubt they feel sorry for themselves!

TandB · 14/10/2012 20:26

I got so fed up with all the "oh poor you, are you going to try again for a girl?" when I was pregnant with DS2 that I started saying "Yes. We are thinking of leaving this one at the hospital so we can get a girl quicker."

What a thing to say to a pregnant woman - it's basically implying that you don't actually want the baby you are carrying.

I even got it a couple of times when he was tiny - "oh never mind, you can always try again." I think I just stared at one woman with my mouth open, and the second one got a fairly sharp "I rather like this one, actually."

dysfunctionalme · 14/10/2012 22:15

AThing, I am not saying that all parents feel this way. I think it is common though. Denial is common also.

Woozley · 15/10/2012 14:01

My mum thought I was mad for having TWO children, as she had just the one and couldn't imagine more, so I think it's down to what you can imagine coping with yourself. I wouldn't openly pity someone, I'd give congratulations and wouldn't say anything negative if someone told me they were having a third or fourth boy, but I'd be thinking "Christ on a bike".

designerbaby · 15/10/2012 16:11

Woozley, my mum was openly horrified when I said I was expecting DC2, because she only had one do had decided that was optimal (however I, as an only child had decided QUITE THE REVERSE).

I was Angry and Sad at the time, and she still clearly has a preference for DD1 and largely ignores DD2 which is a real pity.

That said, a friend has just said she's expecting her third DS, who will be born when her DS1 is under 2.6. And my first reaction was similar to yours! Not because of the gender though, just the speed, the fact they have NO money and currently live in a 1 bed flat...

(Their attitude is that "God will provide" mine more that God probably also expects you to use the common sense He gave you (and birth control) if you're not able to adequately provide for a large family. But that's for another thread!)

3 under three sounds like my idea of hell, plus I do think boys need space especially... I'm not keen on gender stereotyping, (and my girls aren't encouraged to embrace their Disney Princess side at all) but my experience of my DDs friends who are boys is that they generally seem to need more opportunities to let off steam physically than the girls of similar ages we know. There are exceptions, naturally. But they are exceptions...

db
xx

cakepops · 21/10/2012 16:21

I feel sorry for mums that have no girls. I know its wrong but I can't help it.

I mean, yeah yeah, as children and teens, boys may be easier.

But our children spend much more time as adults.

And men, once they've found a wife, generally don't bother with parents. Not in the way girls do. Yes that is massive general steteotyping and we could all sit here and name individual examples where this doesn't hold true. But I think, as a general rule, it does.

As a mum of a boy I wouldn't be bothered to put as much in. I remember all the special things my mum and I shared. She enjoyed them as much as I. But how many grown men care care about those special moments shared with mum?

The reason boys are easy are because all they want is food, exercise and a general feeling of security. This is no different for men. Except you can throw in their cock to the equation. So as long as they are getting food, exercise, sex and have a general feeling of security provided by wife/long term girlfriend they don't need their mum. Which is different to a lot of women I think. Esp. When grandchildren arrive.

And there's the whole being a MIL. Ugh.

Moominsarescary · 21/10/2012 16:57

cake you wouldn't be bothered to put as much in? I think that says more about you as a parent and person than it does about boys.

You don't actually sound like you know anything about boys tbh

NoobytheWaspSlayer · 21/10/2012 17:06

what a load of crap cakes - I agree with moomin - I don't think you sound like you know anything about men, or boys at all.

nickeldaisical · 21/10/2012 17:12

cake, i think that's really sad.
yiu're basically saying you won't care as much for your ds.

and my dh has always been a caring and close son. he's the youngest if 4, which might make a difference; but he has always looked after his mum and dad and visits hismum at least oncee a week even now she's in a home.
actually, my sister's husband is also really close to his mum.

Moominsarescary · 21/10/2012 17:20

I think some men may not have a good relationship with their mums because of that exact attitude.

Dps mum is far more interested in his dsis and her children than us, infact he rang her fri to see if she's around any time this weekend and she still hasn't bothered to get back to him.

Funnily enough his dsis only puts up with her because she's a lp and needs help with childcare.

I'm pg with ds5 and boys arnt easier in general and they don't just need food exercise and a general feeling of security either.

PeppermintLatte · 21/10/2012 17:27

cakepops i see your point a little bit, but there are always exceptions to the rules. i could reel off quite a large number of grown men who have great, close relationships with their mothers. (i know you said this, just re-iterating it)

i can't believe you wouldn't put as much in with a son though. that's not right. and i definitely think that most grown men would care about special moments shared with their mothers, just as much as grown women would.

if you don't put alot into your son, you're not going to get much back when he grows up.

jellybeans · 21/10/2012 17:51

cakepops I felt simelar before I had my own sons-ashamed about that now and can't believe how naive I was influenced by all the negative people. Now I think they are every bit as fab as girls, I just never knew. Once you have your own you appreciate others too. It shouldn't be about giving them the amount you will 'get back' anyway! Do you have a son by the way?