To find "gender competitiveness" among mums/women really disturbing?

[MmBovary]

I'm the mother of two little boys and since pregnant with my second boy, I started hearing and perceiving a very detrimental attitude from mums and other women to having only boys.

The funny thing is I consider myself a feminist in many ways and will always advocate for gender equality in all its forms, but since having boys I'm perceiving a nasty attitude towards having boys only and I find it so demoralising and annoying, to say the least.

I also have to say that the malicious comments come mainly from women, not men, which I find even more disturbing.

I have heard people saying "poor you" when I said that I was expecting another boy. Or women commening on other women having "four boys" with pity in their eyes.

I also saw documentaries of women so desperate to have "the girl" that they went into IVF to be able to choose the gender of their child. The message of the documentary was horrible, basically that these women were so miserable because they had only boys. Imagine what these poor boys are going to think when they understand that message. That they were not good enough because of their gender? We, as women, have been fighting for centuries to avoid that kind of attitude, and now we seem to be promoting it, but the other way round.

Having children is a beautiful experience, no matter what sex they are. Why are some women out there making it all about a competition about having the "girly girl", and making it sound as if having boys only in something to be avoided?

I have two children and I don't want to have more. I would never try for another baby for the sake of expecting to have a girl.

The irony of this little annecdote is that the more I immerse myself in the so called "woman's world", in terms of gender roles as wife, mother, co worker, and even friendship etc, the more I start to think it's quite awful. It's a world full of petty jealousies, judgements and competitiveness and it seems so hard to run away from it, unless you're prepared to be on your own.

If I had a daughter, I would be sick worried of what lies ahead for her.

I'm so glad my mum didn't read mumsnet! I'm the third child and have an elder brother and sister! I shouldn't exist really!!

I have 3 DSs and I have experienced quite a few comments about it. When we moved into our new house, DS3 was a babe in arms. Our new neighbour knocked to introduce herself and asked about our children. I said we have 3 boys 'Oh dear, you must have done something awful to deserve that!' she said - or words very much to that effect. . But she is lovely - and a psychologist. I think people just say twatty things sometimes.

I felt like this before having children. Now couldn't care less what the sex of my next baby is or anyone else's. Anyone's 'pity' for me would be wasted as would love another DS as much as I'd love a DD.

Let'sFacetheMusic, you've given a very good example of what I'm talking about. What your neighbour said is plain bitchy. It's like people know or suspect that you have an issue for having all boys/girls and they bring this up just to stir things up or upset you in some silly, harmless way.

I don't take offence about the comment itself so much as for the bitchiness that these comments or attitudes betray.

In fact, when I had my first son, I was delighted about the idea of having another boy, but then as I got deeper into the world of parenthood, I realised, to my surprise, that there was this huge expectation about having girls, of women crying in desperation on finding out that their baby was a boy, of the gender competitiveness of it all. It was depressing!

I, as a woman, dream of a world where gender is not an issue, so I can apply for any job out there without being judged by my sex, so how come it's OK to judge or make comments on children so harshly because of their sex?

A friend said other women at her baby group were jealous as they had the 'ideal' boy and girl mix. Prior to having children I never gave the comment any serious thought. Now just think it was a bit 'aren't we clever' and odd.

However to be fair I do know someone who's had problems bonding with DS2 as she was 'desperate' for girl, cried when she found out etc etc. she openly speaks about it.

I pity women having 3/4 boys but only out of my own ignorance. I'm sure if I'd had boys we would have been fine, but I have girls and am used to them, and being female myself, I found the prospect of having a girl much easier to face first time round. 3+ children of either gender sounds exhausting to me, but all boys sounds worse, because it is so unknown to me as well! Also I am so happy about having two girls I cant imagine it any other way. Boys seem soooooo much more challenging, but I've had the opposite view from mums of all boys towards me having two girls. It's just a case of what you are used to.

Also, having two girls, people have asked me if I want to have a third child, a boy, for my husband? We talked about it as soon as we found out DD2 was a girl. He said it didn't bother him whatsoever.

I get a LOT of pity faces when I say I'm expecting DS2 and this week TWO SEPARATE women said that I might have told me "reassuring" stories about how they or people they know had 2 boys then "got" their girl as a surprize third

I have to keep correcting people who assume I'm getting a consolation prize.

Mylittlepuds, that's the thing. Before you're a parent, you don't even think about these things. They're so trivial. But once you become a parent, these silly comments about the gender of your children start to pop up like mushrooms.

It's like we have to live our life to some kind of ideal, that is only that, an ideal, coming out from fairy tale land.

halloweeney, another two examples of bitchiness among women. I'm glad to know I'm not paranoid :)

My DS is so gorgeous and being PFB we LOVE having a boy - another would be such a blessing. But if it's a girl that'd be lovely too as it's a new experience. I think people secretly think I want a girl as I have a boy. But as this is anonymous I can categorically say that's not the case. It's funny though as prior to having DS a friend had a second DS and I thought 'ah shame, she'll be disappointed!'. Cringe! I doubt she gave it a second thought.

We got completely taken out of context and maligned about gender preference.

We did have concerns as we found out we had a sex linked genetic condition, we were concerned about having boys due to the odds we were given and had spent several worrying appointments with doctors and it was very upsetting. Unfortunately someone (ahem, someone ) had been gossiping about us and the news got distorted as it spread around. We ended up with several people being very, very rude to us about gender preferences and how disgusting we were to choose girls over boys so I 'could have a load of Barbie Dolls' and how I was unutterabley selfish to keep Dh from having a son (why it was ok for Dh to want a son to model after himself but for me not to have a daughter to do the same with is still a mystery to me). The absolute lowest moment for me was when I overhead a mother at the school gate mutter not quite sotto voce 'that's IV, the one I told you about, I don't know why she doesn't just get rid, it's not like she deserves a baby at all'.

I have decided that far more people than I realised are just judgemental shits.

When I had my son there was a lot of gloating, almost as if he was a punishment for what they assumed we had said. I couldn't have been happier just because he was alive. I try to steer clear of face to face gender comments and always chit chat about 'the baby' or neutral things.

Tis strange

Get this all the time in RL - from friends and strangers.

It is so sad and I will be v v angry if my boys ever pick up on it.

I was brought up with lots and lots of boys. I desperately wanted a girl. I got 2 boys. I stopped there (partly) because I didn't want to have an "odd-one-out" like I was. A few years later I realised it wasn't a daughter I wanted, it was a sister. And I'm never gonna get that, so I gave up. Thank Christ I didn't get my wish - what an emotional burden that would have been for the poor hypothetical child!

Woozley, I don't think we should go around life "pitying" people. I don't feel sorry for anybody who has healthy children.

I don't feel sorry for people who have what I don't have or I don't want. I just treat them with respect, and I expect the same from them.

I think this whole "gender" thing about mums is just another weapon to spill deep rooted vitriol. Maybe something that is deep inside the psyche of a lot of people and that needs to come out somehow/somewhere.

Thinking about it we love DS and his little ways so much why on earth would you be secretly plotting for a different gender? Surely it's more natural to want to recreate PFB in a way? That's how I feel anyway. I might be weird.

Specialmagic, that's so true. I wouldn't want to be the daughter of a mum who's craving for a "girly girl" and to live in princess world. I would have been an utter disappointment to her. What a burden!

I believe these comments exist, although my personal experience has been the opposite in that I have one of each and every time I make any comment about my daughter, e.g. its a nightmare doing her hair for school, the reply is always "I'm so glad I just have boys".

I think people will make tactless daft comments like this about anything (not just gender), gender is just the most obvious thing to pick up on but having one of each you would think I would escape the sympathetic head tilt right? Wrong, I get the sympathetic head tilt about having an August daughter and how I should have crossed my legs for a September baby. I also get comments because my husband is a red-head and how lucky it was that the ginger gene skipped a generation.

Some people just don't think before they speak.

I have just one son and never had or have had any desire to have a daughter, I was very happy ds is a boy and the rest me the family is. He's the only male grandchild and gets spoilt rotten because he is, much more so than my nieces.

2beornot you realise I was giving examples of other peoples thought processes?

I don't really think your parents were odd to want you!!

Spatsky, I would have thought that people with one each definitely escaped those nasty, silly comments.

You're right, people are always looking out for something to pick on. Funny enough, before having children I always dreamed of having a red haired boy, no kidding. I guess that would be the ultimate curse to a lot of women's standards :)

Slightly off thread, but I got a lot of confused looks ans agape mouths when I was pregnant with my third child as I already had a girl and a boy. It was like they were processing whether it would be better to ask why I 'needed' another child or was it a 'surprise' baby number three.