To find "gender competitiveness" among mums/women really disturbing?

[MmBovary]

I'm the mother of two little boys and since pregnant with my second boy, I started hearing and perceiving a very detrimental attitude from mums and other women to having only boys.

The funny thing is I consider myself a feminist in many ways and will always advocate for gender equality in all its forms, but since having boys I'm perceiving a nasty attitude towards having boys only and I find it so demoralising and annoying, to say the least.

I also have to say that the malicious comments come mainly from women, not men, which I find even more disturbing.

I have heard people saying "poor you" when I said that I was expecting another boy. Or women commening on other women having "four boys" with pity in their eyes.

I also saw documentaries of women so desperate to have "the girl" that they went into IVF to be able to choose the gender of their child. The message of the documentary was horrible, basically that these women were so miserable because they had only boys. Imagine what these poor boys are going to think when they understand that message. That they were not good enough because of their gender? We, as women, have been fighting for centuries to avoid that kind of attitude, and now we seem to be promoting it, but the other way round.

Having children is a beautiful experience, no matter what sex they are. Why are some women out there making it all about a competition about having the "girly girl", and making it sound as if having boys only in something to be avoided?

I have two children and I don't want to have more. I would never try for another baby for the sake of expecting to have a girl.

The irony of this little annecdote is that the more I immerse myself in the so called "woman's world", in terms of gender roles as wife, mother, co worker, and even friendship etc, the more I start to think it's quite awful. It's a world full of petty jealousies, judgements and competitiveness and it seems so hard to run away from it, unless you're prepared to be on your own.

If I had a daughter, I would be sick worried of what lies ahead for her.

I have 2 ds and 1 dss, yes 3 gorgeous boys, I love them dearly, they are awesome, albeit challenging at times, (what child isn't) and when we are out with all three, I have had a few sympathetic comments, and a few saying "why dont you have another, it may be a girl". A part of me thinks oh yes it would be lovely to have a girl, have a pretty pink bedroom, and pretty dresses and put her hair up etc etc, but then another part of me thinks then she'll need all of my attention to show me what's she's drawn, wearing, doing, then there's the whining, bitching, moaning, constantly falling out with friends and not to mention p.m.t. and I kind of lose faith in the idea. (I also have 2 nieces who I spend a lot of time with) yes the boys are boysterous, and yes we do have a few boxes of plasters etc at the ready but they get on 80-90% of the time really well, they entertain themselves really well, and they are all so loving, I must hear love you mum/gossip at least 3 times a day from each one. I think boys are awesome personally and I bet mothers of girls would think that about their girls, I do find the attitude about boys a bit low, but lets face it without boys we wouldn't be able to have kids at all!

I know what you mean. I have a DS and am pregnant with a girl, and the number of people who've said things like, "Oh great, now you can stop" really surprised me. (I pointed out that I would probably be stopping anyway as I am about to turn 40, and my partner doesn't want any more than 2 kids!)

My SIL is expecting her 3rd, which will also be a (much wanted) third boy, and she told me that she has encountered a fair bit of negativity about it - as if it was a foregone conclusion that they were only having a third because they wanted a girl, and a boy would be unwelcome.

I think that people just don't know what to say so they say the first thing that comes in to their heads. However in my SIL's case I find it unforgivable. When someone is expecting a healthy baby that's cause for celebration, not for going quiet and saying, "Ohhhhh."

I've had a DD after 2 DSes and the comment I have had have been extraordinary. From the fairly benign 'Awww you got your girl then' and 'Nice to have a girl after two boys' to a woman stopping me in the street and asking me what I did to have a girl after two boys as she didn't want to get pregnant and risk having another boy! WTF?

I've heard it in rl too. In fact my friend has two sons, was due with dc3 and didn't find out the sex - her own mum would tell randomers in the park "it has to be a girl, I'll be so sad if it's another boy". Of course it was another boy, my friend is delighted but how awful from the grandmother!

The thing I go find both on here and in rl is that when you get pg women who are disappointed after finding out the sex, nine times out of tennis because the baby is a boy.

I have two boys and a girl. It bristle a bit when people say how I must be relieved. It makes me sad for the ds's.

I think you're tuned into what relates to you at that time. Silly people will always say silly things but you tune in to the things which personally rankle. So for a long time we had an only who happened to be a girl. DH got a lot of 'poor you, homone central, imagine the teenage years with two hormonal women eh?' etc. I got the 'ooh wait for the bitchiness/snidey behaviour. Girls can be devious and sneaky whereas boys are straightforward'.

Now I have a boy too, I'm more tuned into comments like 'boys are like dogs, boys have a search and destroy mentality, boys wreck your homes/girls your head' type crap.

If it's not gender competitiveness, it'll be academic or physical or monetary. Because that's how some people define themselves.

Oh and someone with two dd's said to me "oh I couldn't risk having a third in case it was a boy". This was when I had TWO BOYS!

We have two boys. Mil said recently to me how "oh mr sheeplikesleep really loves his boys, but I know he really wants a daughter". I was quite shocked, was total bollocks as my dh has and never would say that, least of all to his mum. It's blatant she wants a granddaughter. I am dreading if/when we conceive, as we are planning on our final child to our brood. I'm so excited to be completing our family, but I'm dreading her girl comments already

Sorry loads of typo's

tennis = ten it's

Etc

I have two DDs, and got asked a few times about whether I'd have another to have a boy. Like we need an heir or something!

Also get 'poor you' now they are in secondary school, and am frequently told how much easier boys are, but at least girls are cleaner. Well, I can only comment on the clean bit... And that's to say erm no they are not!

I don't really take any of it seriously though...people say stupid stuff all the time!

I'm pg with DC2 (have a DS) and people keep saying it'll be nice if it's a girl this time. We are not intending to find out at the 20 week scan, and honestly, I don't mind either way, I would just like a healthy pregnancy and to have a healthy baby at the end. I do feel the need to point out to people that I really, genuinely won't mind if it's another boy.

I think they're more subscribing to the one of each being ideal theory than favouring girls over boys. I suspect that if DS had been a DD they'd been saying it'd be nice to have a boy this time.

I think there is some truth that women with all boys get more comments than women with all girls. Then men get more comments for just girls.

It is, sadly, another reflection of the sexism of our society and the obsession with gender roles.

DD2 is a real climber. Takes crazy risks like throwing herself out of my arms when she doesn't want to be carried. She is 16 months. The number of comments I have had about how she is 'just like having a boy'. I usually try and say something lighthearted like 'oh no, I think they are either climbers or not, I don't think it is a gender thing' and am often met with a long speech about how physical boys are compared to girls, etc etc.

I've got a DS and a DD. my friend was expecting her first when I was pregnant with DD and kept telling me (from about 4 weeks) that she was definitely having a 'princess' and she didn't want a hyperactive DS like mine! In the end she had a DS and he is utterly hyperactive (but adorable). She's never quite got over it and is pregnant again in an attempt to have a girl. I think it's really sad and horrible for her DS. She was horribly jealous I had a girl and it destroyed our friendship.

I sometimes feel sad for my DS that he never got the brother he desperately wanted - so one of each isn't necessarily the perfect scenario, but I'm happy with mine.

Maybe you're not thinking ahead OP - you'll be a MIL after all - and traditionally girls' mums have the most hands on experience of GC, whereas MILs get the other end of the stick - I've heard the saying:

"A daughter's a daughter for all of your life, a son's a son till he takes a wife".

So maybe the women with the pitying glances know something you don't about how things work for mothers of boys in your culture?

Certainly I'm glad to have a girl, but then I get along very well with my MIL too so maybe I'm talking rubbish!!

What gets my goat though is that boys are "dare-devils" and "sporty" whereas girls are supposed to be interested in clothes, hate mud and be "girly".

I've only ever come across this attitude on MN too!

I have 'one of each' and I'd be lying if I said I didn't love it. But I would have equally loved it if I'd had two boys or two girls.

They are such different characters with different personalities. But that's because they're different people and not because one is a boy and the other a girl.

When DSs started going to school there was certain subset of mothers who only had girl children who NOTICEABLY used to physically recoil, gather their girls towards them whilst clutching at their pearls if my DSs went near their girls.

It was even more bemusing when some 6 months later thay would sidle up and say 'oh your DS is so lovely playing with my DD'.

Err....yes. He is a boy but not actually the Devil incarnate!

When I went for my "everything gone" scan after my second miscarriage, there was a noticeably pregnant girl sobbing in the waiting room. I assumed bad news from anomaly scan until her mother patted her arm and said "come on now, love, baby boys are lovely too, you'll see".

DH had to restrain me from slapping the shallow little bitch.

I think that the perception is that a house occupied by only girl children will be quiet and peaceful. Full of purposeful crafting and intellectual pursuits. Whilst one of boys will be chaotic and destructive.

Tbh, my BIL's house is chaotic and destructive and they do have 3 boys. But, tbh, I think that's got a lot more to do with the fact that they encourage (what I would consider to be) undesirable behaviour because that is what they perceive 'boys' to be.

I know a mother at school who has a 6 year old girl and a 4 year old son and all of her conversations about the children centre on what they are and aren't allowed to do based on it's gender appropriateness. And she has wildly different expectations of their behaviour. I suspect she would be quite wary of another's all boy household thinking about it, but that's because she thinks boys are loud, boisterous, aggressive, unruly - you know all the stereotypes. Based on the fact that her son is. But I also know that they have actively encouraged him to be like this so that he isn't 'soft'.

People are strange!

I just tend to think children are children.

MoreBeta, one of the mums at the gates with DS1 was like this (she has 3 girls, I have 3 boys). She would openly tell all the other mums (most of us had at least 1 boy), how much she hated boys, how she could not contemplate having one.

Fast forward a few years later, and she would come up to me singing praises about how lovely my boys were, etc.

However, this did not indicate a permanent change in attitude as when talking about her DD3's birthday party (her dd wanted to invite DS3 and another boy) she told me she had told her dd that no boys were allowed in her house .

People are strange. I have one of each and thru both enjoy quiet colouring and hellionish rampaging in equal measure, mood dependant.

I have 4 boys, and I got the negative comments about ds 3 and 4. I have had a few "poor you, 4 boys" type comments and "were you trying for a girl". I get the feeling if one of the younger DS's was a girl, she would probably be a tomboy!

I had two girls then fell pregnant. I did find out the sex, but only because I wanted to know whether to keep DD2s clothes or not.

I found out I was having a boy and when I told people they all assumed I must be so excited to finally be having one, but tbh, I was more 'Oh, what do I so with one of those' having been used to my girls.

I obviously would not change him for the world, but having come very close to losing DD2 when she was born, I really only wanted my baby to be healthy.

I have noticed the gender preference. It does seem to be mostly for girls. I do have one friend who only wants boys but that seems to be rare. I think girls are just presented as being easier, quieter and more loyal in some way (your son is your son till ... blah blah blah). Totally unfair as all children are individuals and you could easily switch those adjectives to confident, bouncy / full of life and independent.

I feel very protective towards my little boy who is the sweetest little creature on this earth. DD is only four months and a little poppet too. They love each other very much - gender doesn't seem to come into it.

I admit to finding this whole subject a minefield. I have one of each and I feel lucky that I don't have an unscratched itch in relation to being a mother to either a boy or a girl.
But... it seems it's unacceptable for me to feel this way and that I assume everyone wants what I have. I don't. I just love what I have. I also feel lucky to be married to my children's father, be a SAHM, have a great relationship with both my mum and MIL but I'm not allowed to say so

Sami, I also only received pitiful comments (not many, but received nonetheless) when people found out that I was carrying DS3. No-one seemed bothered or went on about 'one of each' when I was pregnant with DS2.

No-one was nasty, but they really believed that I would want a DD after 2 boys. I didn't.