To find "gender competitiveness" among mums/women really disturbing?

[MmBovary]

I'm the mother of two little boys and since pregnant with my second boy, I started hearing and perceiving a very detrimental attitude from mums and other women to having only boys.

The funny thing is I consider myself a feminist in many ways and will always advocate for gender equality in all its forms, but since having boys I'm perceiving a nasty attitude towards having boys only and I find it so demoralising and annoying, to say the least.

I also have to say that the malicious comments come mainly from women, not men, which I find even more disturbing.

I have heard people saying "poor you" when I said that I was expecting another boy. Or women commening on other women having "four boys" with pity in their eyes.

I also saw documentaries of women so desperate to have "the girl" that they went into IVF to be able to choose the gender of their child. The message of the documentary was horrible, basically that these women were so miserable because they had only boys. Imagine what these poor boys are going to think when they understand that message. That they were not good enough because of their gender? We, as women, have been fighting for centuries to avoid that kind of attitude, and now we seem to be promoting it, but the other way round.

Having children is a beautiful experience, no matter what sex they are. Why are some women out there making it all about a competition about having the "girly girl", and making it sound as if having boys only in something to be avoided?

I have two children and I don't want to have more. I would never try for another baby for the sake of expecting to have a girl.

The irony of this little annecdote is that the more I immerse myself in the so called "woman's world", in terms of gender roles as wife, mother, co worker, and even friendship etc, the more I start to think it's quite awful. It's a world full of petty jealousies, judgements and competitiveness and it seems so hard to run away from it, unless you're prepared to be on your own.

If I had a daughter, I would be sick worried of what lies ahead for her.

Bella and Pumpkin - i know, it's awful, isn't it, that I've done that!

but it is true in cases I've seen.

thankfully, as I've got to know more families with children in this generation, I have discovered that the stereotype is now only that, not an across the board foregone conclusion. I suppose I do live in a world where a lot of people I know have the stereotypes. and adhere to them. (yes, it's a girl, no, she's not wearing pink, yes, she's in blue, yes, that's trousers, yes, she's a girl.)

thanks Maureen - i was talking from personal experience, not shite.

It depends on the circles you move in, I think.
I spent an awful lot of time trying to verbally counteract stereotypes, but over and over again, they're forced on me by people who make stupid comments.
and yes, I did hope for DD rather than a DS because I want to fight gender stereotypes in the easy way. I do find it sad that boys can't wear skirts and dresses in normal everyday life (not just dress-up - that's the beauty of dress-up, isn't it, that you can be anything you want to be)

My family is full of the joys of the stereotype - my little sister wouldn't even contemplate dressing her boys up in "girls' clothes" (ie, any colour other than blue or brown or grey) and when my big sister had a girl, she immediately bought her loads of frilly and pink "girly" stuff. (she also bought my big sister's DS "boys' clothes" and toys) she finds it incredibly important that the gender stereotypes are reinforced.
She has been banned from doing the same to my DD.
Conversely, the big sister with the boy and girl treats them both differently. her DD gets frilly girly things and the DS gets the boyish blue things. in toys, games and room decor. even though, supposedly, the girl likes all manner of different things (i bought her a space lunchbox and glow in the dark stars, and we spent a day pretending to fly in a rocketship) my Big sis was a nursery nurse, but she still performed the colour stereotypes on her own children. have yet to see what they'll be encouraged to act like as nephew is still a toddler.
my mum and dad are constantly making comments about girlishness about DD.

I panic a lot that I will find myself conforming to the stereotypes, even though I don't do it myself.
I was a "tomboy", but I liked everything, and still do. I climbed trees in a dress etc. I look around shops these days and want to cry that the perceived/forced barrier is bigger and bigger and bigger.

and I look harshly on the mothers of the boys/men I know that have brought their boys up like that. one was my ex, a nasty, entitled knobhead who used to call his mother stupid and was incredibly rude to her, but still she used to run around after him like he's a prince. one other, the mum is constantly going on about how the boy won't do anything, including cleaning his own room, but again, she won't let him. (ie, she doesn't enforce or encourage any rules in the house and then wonders why he sits around creating mess and being all mardy)

(ps- the latter boy I was talking about loves pink- it's his favourite colour, and he likes dancing and singing. He hides some of this from school because he doesn't want to get picked on(his words))

i think i spend more time worrying about breaking gender stereotypes than thinking of children as children.
but that's mainly because I haven't been able to practise what I preach yet.

That's a sad story, surfingbabies - it's one thing to want a girl more than a boy (or vice versa), but to actually deprive a child of love and attention just because he or she isn't the desired gender seems wrong in so many ways.

I've been told by GP that 'oh everyone wants a boy first'. My friend also said she only wants boys. When I was pg, I was told I should want a boy 'as girls only like their father'?!

So I think it goes both ways...

Also, some nhs trusts won't allow sex identification in nhs scans due to certain communities attitude towards baby girls, I.e they will be aborted as they want boys.

oh, surfing those poor boys :(

When we had three girls DH used to get stopped in the street to be told how lucky he was with his hot wife 4 ladies.
Now we also have a boy that gets comment on too but I do think it's people making small talk and not knowing what to say so they talk bollocks.

I know I'm late to the thread but I'm another one with two DSs then a DD

I can totally empathize with everything posters like me have said. Lots of comments along the lines of 'oooooo, I'll bet you're so glad to be having a girl' ect ect.......I found such comments totally offensive to my wonderful boys tbh.

Sod the lot of em'

lonely & nickel its absolutely heart breaking, I can understand the desire for a girl but I can't understand how anyone could push a baby away.....god it's awful, it took her hours to hold him
They are all so naughty & hit everyone and throw their toys around! Shes forever in school for her oldest, I swear its because of their home life! I kiss and cuddle mine too much, mine always say "stop kissing me" I make a fuss of my nephew too but when I try to make a fuss of her boys they just hit me or throw things at me, they are like it with our family as well.....the eldest kicked their 94 yr old nan!! It's heart breaking it really is, I can't imagine not loving all mine......I'd die for them

My dad spent my entire childhood telling me and my sister that he wished we were boys. It was just one of the many reasons why I grew up feeling so terribly unloved by him. My mum is a wonderful parent though, so I feel lucky for that.

I hate the negative stuff about having the same gender

we tried so hard for our third child - lost 3 while trying - almost lost that pregnancy at 14 weeks - we KNEW it would be a girl as we have girls (lots of MC's and only girls)

But poor Dd3 has always had 'oh where you trying for a boy :( ' faces

I often get told "it's fine now they're small, little girls are easy (yeah, right :o), but wait until they're teenagers!"

Because apparently as children girls are docile and easy to manage, but teenage girls are bitches

jesus little girls are docile - no one told my 3

I have one of each.
I find that:

• yes there is a general consensus that it is more tiring to look after boys
• some parents of only girl can be smug.

But, most comments are only innocent, if a bit silly, platitudes, just laugh and rise above them.

Nor my 3, gordy :o (although DD3 is only 3 months old, maybe she won't run away from me constantly as soon as she can walk)

Not that I consider docility as a positive characteristic of a small child.

I like them rambunctious :)

Some people are smug

I can't see how having multiple female children would make you smug.

Or is the idea that the smug are more likely to conceive girls?

Exactly what I wanted to question AThing

Mums of girls are smug??

Well that's a new one on me

i think that a lot of women have a fantasy daughter who they may have thought about for a long time, perhaps even since they were children themselves. i can remember looking at other girls' messy plaits and thinking that when i had a daughter i would plait her hair nice and tight. i never thought of having a son.

the thing is you don't always get what you think. all of my friends who have both boys and girls have far more of a complicated relationship with their daughters. i think there are highter expectations on both sides. their relationship may also be complicated by the mother's relationship with her own mother. also, the dd is not a projection of her mother's fanatasy, she is her own person.

i have a daughter and 2 sons, and have definitely experienced negative attitudes from other mothers about the boys. on occasion it has be quite hurtful.

gender is not black and white - or indeed blue or pink. like many things in life it is of many hues. i do say to dd, who i 10, that boys and girls are more similiar than they are different, to see the person not just the gender.

This works both ways; i have a boy and three girls (in that order) and a few people congratulated me by saying "did you know that there are certain times of the month that you can get pregnant with a boy?" or "better luck next time" etc.

I don't know Athing, what I know is that some people I know feel rather smug about having girls.

Little girls are easy?

Sh*t. Just as well I didn't have boys then.

FWIW, my second one was an easy baby, and is a bit of a nightmare 2 year old - fearless, stroppy occasionally violent. My first was a really difficult baby, but since she turned two is as generally good as gold.

They're both gorgeous.

IMHO anyone who thinks all children of either gender are "easier" or "harder" or indeed share any particular traits as a matter of course are idiots. And by that token anything they spout thereafter ought to be ignored...

I have 4 dcs, all dds. I get comments, mainly negative, on almost a daily basis about having all girls. Fwiw, I generally think it is just people making stupid conversation. Things like, 'oh your poor husband' and, 'you never got your boy'. Or, 'are you still going to try for another'. Seriously drives me fucking nuts. Especially when those comments are made in front of my lovely girls. Are people that stupid that they think my children cannot hear them. I would hate my girls to think that I didn't want them, or that they were 'second-best'.

When people really piss me off, I occasionally tell them the full story. I lost my first, much-wanted, daughter after infertility. We were then told that we may never have living children, we may give birth to them around the 24 week mark and they may never survive. So, four living children for us is a miracle, regardless of gender. I actually feel quite blessed - five girls....

My four are close in age, that may prompt some of the negative comments I receive? I am not sure? But I do encounter negative comments almost daIly. Dd1s TA told me how disappointed she was when her fifth ended up being dd5, fuck, if only I had my five dds with me....

I'm definitely not smug! I find parenting my four a challenge, all are five and under. I imagine four boys would be equally as challenging. Or a mix of four. I try to take all the comments with a grain of salt. People are probably trying to just make conversation. I don't think they realise how hurtful or insensitive they are being. The bias to me is not male or female, in my experience.

I have heard this anti boys attitude also. Mostly from friends who have just boys. They were so negative. Also my mother was very biased towards girls. Also my grandmother. Mostly that boys don't bother when older and are boistrous etc. Some friends have said they will be men one day, all men are shits etc.

I had DDs first. Wasn't bothered with first baby. With second was hoping for DD2 as enjoyed having DD1 and everyone else was so negative about boys, all my friends had boys and moaned about it. I have no brothers and family very girl biased. I am ashamed to admit I felt sorry for people with 'just boys'. But this was because I was very ignorant and saw only negatives.

Fast forward a few years we were blessed with 3 lovely DS. We were overjoyed and I was so thrilled to have DSs and saw they were every bit as fab as DDs. I was never ever disappointed at scans when we found out but abit nervous due to negative people. Having had losses in the past a live baby was always all that mattered. Now I have my own boys I see the positives and joy in other boys. I am so glad I had them and would be happy to have more boys. I love buying boys clothes, toys etc. I don't know why there is so much negativity. I don't understand people negative about boys when they have their own. Maybe if they haven't it is ignorance.