To find "gender competitiveness" among mums/women really disturbing?

[MmBovary]

I'm the mother of two little boys and since pregnant with my second boy, I started hearing and perceiving a very detrimental attitude from mums and other women to having only boys.

The funny thing is I consider myself a feminist in many ways and will always advocate for gender equality in all its forms, but since having boys I'm perceiving a nasty attitude towards having boys only and I find it so demoralising and annoying, to say the least.

I also have to say that the malicious comments come mainly from women, not men, which I find even more disturbing.

I have heard people saying "poor you" when I said that I was expecting another boy. Or women commening on other women having "four boys" with pity in their eyes.

I also saw documentaries of women so desperate to have "the girl" that they went into IVF to be able to choose the gender of their child. The message of the documentary was horrible, basically that these women were so miserable because they had only boys. Imagine what these poor boys are going to think when they understand that message. That they were not good enough because of their gender? We, as women, have been fighting for centuries to avoid that kind of attitude, and now we seem to be promoting it, but the other way round.

Having children is a beautiful experience, no matter what sex they are. Why are some women out there making it all about a competition about having the "girly girl", and making it sound as if having boys only in something to be avoided?

I have two children and I don't want to have more. I would never try for another baby for the sake of expecting to have a girl.

The irony of this little annecdote is that the more I immerse myself in the so called "woman's world", in terms of gender roles as wife, mother, co worker, and even friendship etc, the more I start to think it's quite awful. It's a world full of petty jealousies, judgements and competitiveness and it seems so hard to run away from it, unless you're prepared to be on your own.

If I had a daughter, I would be sick worried of what lies ahead for her.

I had a few faces from people after ds3 was born, even MiL was a little bit miffed to be honest, although we were delighted as were my older two.

I have never actually heard anyone ever say out loud anything derogatory about being a Mum of boys only but that could be because when ds1 started primary [many moons ago] there was at least 5 of us there with buggies/buggy boards stacked only with boys. .

Never heard this and I have 3 boys. Am preg with a girl now and only had one comment of "oh you must be relieved" from a middle aged woman I work with.

Maybe it's because I'm visibly so overjoyed to be surrounded by my gang of boys that negative comments don't occur.

During my pregnancy for dc1 I found out at the 20 week scan I was expecting a boy. When we told MIL she said 'Oh, a boy. Well it might be a girl!' and continued to say similar during the pregnancy. At one point she said to me 'You'll have to have another you know (ie hopefully a girl)'. It really wound me up. She has two boys herself and is quite feminine- ie into cooking, sewing, fashion etc.

However now ds is here she is absolutely besotted and has made no further comments about him not being a girl, just continually about how wonderful he is, thank god. I am slightly concerned that if we do have another child the same may happen again regarding her attitude to the gender.

I have to say before I had ds I always thought I'd want one of each gender, but now being a mother I honestly think the gender isn't important, the child is.

NEVER HEARD OF THIS

another to say, its a MN only thing

I have two boys and have never had any negative comments in RL although have seen quite a bit of stuff about only having one gender (be that boy or girl) on the net.

Its hard not to feel affronted when someone who is having a healthy baby is crying because its not he right "flavour" and you have had a loss, or fertility problems but other people have the right to be upset over things they have feelings about.

As for being in a "womens world" well thats the same everywhere regardless if children are involved or not. I have spent the past 30+ years working in female dominated environments and petty jealousy, judgements and competitiveness have always been the order of the day!

You'd be able to say it to me InMyDay :) we're not all bonkers. I feel equally happy to have my two little ones, a great DH, a part time job I love and a MIL who I can just about tolerate. But yes - I find the human race just oddly competitive about everything in general. There must be some science behind it.

Oh I've got another one! My sister has a girl and a boy, both long-awaited children after fertility treatment. She then was overjoyed to get pregnant again and had another little girl.

I mentioned to my friend (who knew about my sister's fertility struggles) that I was going to be an auntie again and her first response was, "Was it an accident?"

I was so stunned that I didn't say much, but her meaning was clear: why would you deliberately try for a third child if you already have a girl and a boy?

Well I had a few older people to say to me, ah lovely one of each. But I don't perceive that as any sort of unkindness. Though I do agree that say somebody has all the same sex there is more sympathy for someone with a lot of boys. I know somebody who had six boys and everyone thinks ah poor soul. It's awful really.

It's not only a MN thing - I have come across this in real life. Am currently pregnant with my second boy, and have had loads of comments about how I must really want a girl.

It baffles me really, because I'm truly happy to be having two boys. We only have a two bedroom house, so this suits us very nicely - and I think the relationship betwen brothers can be very precious so I'm pleased for DS too.

I have a DD and a DS and, before having DC, that's what I would have chosen as my ideal. However, after having DS, I was so excited about having DC nad then the prospect of having another that I didn't care either way as long as they were OK. However, a friend's sister has decided after much agonising not to have children in case she has a boy I also know someone else who confided that they were secretly releaved when they had a second DD and not a DS. That's when I already had my lovely DS!!

I have 3 boys and have heard this yes but your last point in your op was similar as you said if you had a girl you would be scared whatshername ahead for her.

Bloody I phone! what lay ahead for her

I've come across this quite a bit in RL.

I bumped into an old school friend's mother while shopping a few months ago. I knew her son and dil were expecting dc3 (already had 2 dd's), so asked if there was any news. She pulled a tragic face, looked on the verge of tears (at this point I felt terrible for asking, as by her reaction, something awful had happened), and said in a quiveringly emotional voice " Another little girl. We're all devastated of course" I was gobsmacked, and was tempted to shake some sense into the silly woman.

When I fist did a school pickup with my tiny newborn ds3, who was about 4 days old, a lady in the playground oohed and aahed a bit, then, whilst stroking my angelic newborn's soft, beautiful cheek said "See, this is why I can never have another I just don't know what I'd do if I had a boy. I know I could never love a boy like I would a girl" I mean, I know she's entitled to her own ignorant opinion, but sort out your timing woman!

I've got one of each, DD being the older. When pregnant with DS I did get comments about did I want a boy now? I just replied each time that all I wanted was a healthy child. gender was and still is irrelevant; I'd have lvoed my child the same whatever the gender.

I have 2 DS's and often get asked if we'll have a 3rd to try for a girl.

I reply truthfully and say that I'm very happy with 2 boys, it's what I had hoped for. If I was to have a 3rd, another boy would be what I would want given the choice. No desire for a girl at all. People think that's strange, but it's just my preference.

It's certainly not just an MN thing. I have a very good friend who always assumes that my life is hell because I have two boys. She would tell me what her two DDs do and tell me how my DSs wouldn't like those things because they are boys. It would be funny if it wasn't so predictable. I also have other neighbours and acquaintances who would do the "boys would be boys" talk. Irritates the hell out of me.

I 've had comments with 2 ds they are so unbelievable as if there was anything you could do about choosing the baby's sex short of IVF or termination of pregnancy if scan showed foetus was the'wrong' sex. Now with dd in the mix I honestly do not prefer either sex. Boys and girls are definitely different but here is more variety in their individual personalities.

I have 2ds and was amazed by the amount of people who assumed I specifically wanted a girl when trying for dc3. My mum even said she would be disappointed if I were to have another boy I seriously would have been happy either way and just wanted to complete my family.

My dsis had a dd and when pregnant with dc2 she was adamant that said dc was a girl and she didn't want a boy. He is a boy and she admitted to being gutted for a few minutes on finding out but that was all.

I have a much loved DS, for lots of reasons he is an only child. However, my MIL and FIL went on and on about when we would have another child "as we want a granddaughter to spoil". Only now that DS is 7 and I am in my late 30s and back in full time work have they given up. I love being a mum to my son and never wished for a girl....although perhaps DH would have liked a little girl to pamper!

I don't know if I'd describe it as competitive but people IME definitely express an opinion. I have one of each and when DD was born I was told yea told my family was complete. I really woundn't have loved another boy any less but I have to be honest and I know I'm going to get flamed for this but I was pleased to have a daughter but only felt this when she arrived. I don't know why, I can't articulate it TBH but I was pleased.

I have three boys and despise the sympathetic smile and head tilt that I get when I tell people - the odd thing is that always seem eager to tell me that girls are far worse!

We have two DDs and and have had the same ffrom family members, most particularly DHs family who refuse to see out family as complete without a DS to carry on the family name. I kid you not, bloody dinosaurs the lot of them! They are normally fab but they do get on my nerves on this one issue. I got a text from DH's otherwise lovely brother when second DD was born which read: congratulations, make sure the next one is a boy! His sister also had two girls and has recently just given birth to the coveted little boy and the amount of fussing makes my teeth itch. My mum only has out two for grandchildren and are jealous of DH's family having 5 GC so want me to have more but that's another story! Luckily DH couldn't give a fig and is content with our two wonderful girls. When I was pregnant with dd2 he got quite cross with his mum and aunt when they kept going on about how high I was 'carrying' so it must be a boy, no matter how many times we said the scan had confirmed it was a much longer for second child who happened to be a girl. If I am brutally honest, I am pleased that I have DDs as its all I've ever known as I have two sisters myself but a part of me feels a little sad sometimes for DH. I don't know why, he has never once given any impression that he wanted a son. I think his family's views have contributed to this feeling more than anything but its not enough for us to ttry for a third which everyone seems to assume that we will. We planned for two and thankfully we got two healthy and beautiful ones so we feel incredibly lucky and blessed.

Last month, ,my MIL and my husbands aunt once again made the comment about our third definately being a boy. I very much enjoyed telling them that DH has had a vasectomy so it won't be happening. The shocked look on their faces still makes me smile now!

A 'friend' of mine with a daughter (I have a son) said that she hoped I had a girl this pregnancy so that I could "understand the love you get from a girl"
I think she thinks DS spends all his time running around playing with trucks and we never have any affection. Sigh.

I've seen it before, I figure they haven't spent a lot of time with pre-teen/teen girls lately and shrug.

I'm one of 4 girls and have 2 DDs, if I have a third I must be after a boy .

The thing is if you have 2 of 1 sex then your 3rd child will always be "going for a boy/girl"

If you stop at 2 then "you'll be trying again yes?" for a boy/girl ((no fuckeit I'll be trying for a baby))

If you have a boy and a girl that is the only acceptable time to stop, if you do want a 3rd you are odd.