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Original poster

To find "gender competitiveness" among mums/women really disturbing?

204 replies

MmBovary · 12/10/2012 11:36

I'm the mother of two little boys and since pregnant with my second boy, I started hearing and perceiving a very detrimental attitude from mums and other women to having only boys.

The funny thing is I consider myself a feminist in many ways and will always advocate for gender equality in all its forms, but since having boys I'm perceiving a nasty attitude towards having boys only and I find it so demoralising and annoying, to say the least.

I also have to say that the malicious comments come mainly from women, not men, which I find even more disturbing.

I have heard people saying "poor you" when I said that I was expecting another boy. Or women commening on other women having "four boys" with pity in their eyes.

I also saw documentaries of women so desperate to have "the girl" that they went into IVF to be able to choose the gender of their child. The message of the documentary was horrible, basically that these women were so miserable because they had only boys. Imagine what these poor boys are going to think when they understand that message. That they were not good enough because of their gender? We, as women, have been fighting for centuries to avoid that kind of attitude, and now we seem to be promoting it, but the other way round.

Having children is a beautiful experience, no matter what sex they are. Why are some women out there making it all about a competition about having the "girly girl", and making it sound as if having boys only in something to be avoided?

I have two children and I don't want to have more. I would never try for another baby for the sake of expecting to have a girl.

The irony of this little annecdote is that the more I immerse myself in the so called "woman's world", in terms of gender roles as wife, mother, co worker, and even friendship etc, the more I start to think it's quite awful. It's a world full of petty jealousies, judgements and competitiveness and it seems so hard to run away from it, unless you're prepared to be on your own.

If I had a daughter, I would be sick worried of what lies ahead for her.

OP posts:
shesariver · 13/10/2012 11:42

I have 3 boys, honestly thought my family was over after the first 2 (big gaps, 19, 10, 4) and would have been happy, but circumstances changed and we thought "why not" - because we wanted a 3rd child, not necessarily a girl as lots of people wrongly assumed. Generally Im happy but occasionally I get thoughts of "wouldn't it be nice to have a girl to", we have been ttc for 2 years now an nothing, plus Im 42 so I think thats that....its other peoples comments and attitudes that do bother me, and I wish I could say they didnt. I got a "oh Im sorry" comment when DS3 was a boy! I cant stand the thought of anyone "pitying" me - they have no idea how wonderful my family really is...just because I dont have a "little princess" to dress up and meet for coffee when they are older. I know its ignorant but I cant say it doesnt upset me.

Mintyy · 13/10/2012 11:44

I'm another one who thinks this is all in your mind, sorry.

MaureenCognito · 13/10/2012 11:45

Op. you obviously don't do your own PR very well.

Three boys. Feel the luckiest.

Girls= shit pink. Horses with hair and periods.

What's to miss?

shesariver · 13/10/2012 11:56

Minty Im not sure what you mean Confused

StrawberrytallCAKE · 13/10/2012 11:57

Wow there's a lot of sexism from women on this thread about having little girls!!!! Post above included.

I am about to have 2nd dd and tbh couldn't care less what people say, my dh gets it more about not having a ds but he's perfectly happy too. We realise how lucky we are to be here and to be able to have a family.

Jins · 13/10/2012 12:00

I love my boys. I'm sure I'd have loved girls if I'd had them.

I don't care what other people think about the gender balance in my family.

Mintyy · 13/10/2012 12:06

Shesariver: I was addressing the op.

MaureenCognito · 13/10/2012 12:16

I pity dads with girls.

I know it's wrong. #selfflagellates

AThingInYourLife · 13/10/2012 12:16

I have only come across this recently.

I have 3 girls and have a number of friends with only boys.

They often comment about how they don't really like girls that much, but mine are an honourable exception.

I would never say that about boys.

Apart from thinking little boys are fab, it just seems a weird attitude. It also kind of hurts my feelings, although I know it shouldn't.

I have been asked many times if I'd like a boy, and I answer that I would.

But I certainly don't regret my girls and if we have another it won't be to try for a boy.

shesariver · 13/10/2012 12:16

I know, I still dont get what you mean, its not in someone's head if they have received negative comments about having a boy.

ethelb · 13/10/2012 12:17

I'm one of three girls and people always asked if my parents could "swap one"!

TBH I just think people feel the need to say something. I think if you told people that you were going to have a boy and they replied "well I don't believe in binary gender" you would think they were a bit of a wanker wouldn't you?

merrymouse · 13/10/2012 12:17

I think people are sympathetic because it is generally thought that young boys are harder work than young girls (e.g. boys need to be tired out or they will run you ragged, but girls are easier because they will sit doing colouring and are naturally studious). However, even if there is an element of truth in this, I would imagine that mothers of multiple boys become pretty good at having boys.

Also, maybe mothers of boys and girls are more likely to assume that their children's character traits are caused by gender, and mothers of same sex siblings are more able to see individual characteristics and nurture them? (I say this as the mother of a boy and a girl).

LonelyCloud · 13/10/2012 12:18

From personal experience, I'd say that women tend to express a preference for girls, and men tend to express a preference for boys.

One mum I met at a baby group said that she'd been determined to find out the gender of her baby as soon as possible "Because if it's been a boy I would have needed a lot of time to get over the disappointment" Hmm
I've also heard that comment about sons only being sons till they get a wife.

But I've also heard men at work say things like "If the baby's a girl I'm not taking it home from the hospital" or (to a male colleague whose 2nd daughter had just been born after a string of miscarriages) "Poor you, a girl! I bet you're really gutted!"
One of my male colleagues has recently had his 5th daughter. He really wants a boy - he's very vocal about this at work - and keeps convincing his wife to try again.

So it works both ways really.

shesariver · 13/10/2012 12:18

I wish I had something short and to the point answer ready for the people who said to me, when DS3 was born wouldn't I have liked a girl. Its not like we get a choice!

jamdonut · 13/10/2012 12:34

When I was first pregnant, I thought I wanted a girl, but only because I knew nothing about little boys. When he was born I was a bit Hmm,for about 2 minutes, and then totally got over myself. When I was pregnant for the second time, I thought I was having another boy,and was totally shocked when a girl popped out. My worry at that time was could I love another child as much as the first, which of course was forgotten within seconds of her being put in my arms. With my third,an unexpected accidentalpregnancy, I just wanted my child to be healthy, forgoing a Down's test, much to the midwife's disgust ("at my age" of 36),because ,at the end of the day, I would have loved any child.
I cannot understand people who care what sex they are having (except for medical reasons) or why people choose to find out the sex at the scan. Much nicer to wait for the surprise package!!

jamdonut · 13/10/2012 12:35

*oops forgot to say 3rd child was also a boy!

nickeldaisical · 13/10/2012 12:38

I have come across "mothers of boys" many. many times in real life.

I was upset when I found it to be an actual phenomenon. and not just for my generation, but for children that are children now!

I hope it's not universal, because it's shocking.

I am picturing 3 specifics that come straight to mind. (the same problems for all families even though their ages vary wildly)
1: the mums do everything for their boys
2: the boys never do anything at home, no tidying, no cleaning, no chores
3: the mums complain that the boys never do anything to help
4: they also complain the boys are always asking for favours/stuff with no effort in return
5:the boys take full advantage of their mum and often insult her.

nickeldaisical · 13/10/2012 12:43

that's completely not the point of the thread is it!

i'm being distracted by DD Blush

I really wanted a girl, butnot because i think boys are inferior or because i want to dress my little doll in frilly clothes.

to my shame, i thought that it's easier to break gender stereotypes in a girl than in a boy.
It's easy to put a girl in blue and jeans, but it's soooo much harder to put a boy in pink, and I would never be "allowed" to put a boy in a skirt. :(

misdee · 13/10/2012 12:52

i have 5 girls and 1 boy.

i had 4 girls before ds came along.

everyone congratulated on me on finally 'getting a boy' in front of my girls. it was like he was a little prince.

'you can stop now you've got a boy' was something i heard a lot.

my older 3 dd's were at school, and i went out with dd4 and ds. i got congratulated for being clever and having one of each. i did say i had another 3 girls at school.

dd5 is as equally lovely as her brother and sisters, but no such excitement over her birth Hmm

i love all my children equally, regardless of their gender.

Belladonna666 · 13/10/2012 12:52

Wow, nickeldaisical. I think you have just proved the point of the OP and so many other "mothers of boys" on this thread. I liked your list though. No stereotyping there from you at all Wink.

misdee · 13/10/2012 12:54

oh i put ds in pink. it suits him.

he parades about with a headband on.

dd3 will be the one having pirate sword fights and being superheros.

they can be whatever they want to be.

halloweeneyqueeney · 13/10/2012 13:02

what on earth are you on about nickeldaisical?, my mother could have said all of those things about me at various ages, DH was much more helpful at home as a kid than I ever was.

you can put a boy in pink, there are lots of pink shirts etc for boys, boys get every colour in the rainbow, girls often get less of a range, its much easier to do GN with a boy IMO

noone says anything but sweet things about him when he pushes his doll up to the shops in its buggy either, who isn't "allowing" it? noone I've met! if you've picked a partner who wouldn't "allowing" it then you've not chosen a great one have you?

MaureenCognito · 13/10/2012 13:11

Nickel

You talk shite

PumpkInDublic · 13/10/2012 13:16

No fear Nickel not every "mother of boys" is the same, just as no two children are the same.

DS is 8. Does his share of the housework as is age appropriate, keeps himself clean and tidy, is taking a baking after school class and holds open doors for others in public and the like. He's also a loud boy, very cheeky and naughty at times, is currently body slamming onto his bed playing wrestlers.

He's a person, not just a gender. Good and bad in him like everyone else.

surfingbabies · 13/10/2012 13:23

I find it really disturbing......my DP sister has 3 DS and she has these because she was trying for a DD, she was happy with no1, she pushed no2 away as soon as he came out and they told her it was a DS, she prayed and prayed no3 was a DD but he was a DS, you never see her kissing and cuddling them and they are all daddy's boys! I think she shows no emotion to them what so ever and she talks so freely about wanting a DD and is going to try for no4. It all makes me feel a little sick if honest as I wonder what her DS will grow up thinking and I feel she should just be thankful she has three very healthy DS and be thankful she can have children but I also wonder if I feel like this because I have a mixture so it's easy for me to judge! On the other hand I have a friend with 3DS and one with 4DS and although they'd love a DD they are happy and show so much love towards their DS so I also think it depends on the person.......some people are never happy no matter what they have and his sister is like that so maybe if she had been showered with DD she'd be desperate for a DS........who knows Sad