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AIBU?

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Original poster

To find "gender competitiveness" among mums/women really disturbing?

204 replies

MmBovary · 12/10/2012 11:36

I'm the mother of two little boys and since pregnant with my second boy, I started hearing and perceiving a very detrimental attitude from mums and other women to having only boys.

The funny thing is I consider myself a feminist in many ways and will always advocate for gender equality in all its forms, but since having boys I'm perceiving a nasty attitude towards having boys only and I find it so demoralising and annoying, to say the least.

I also have to say that the malicious comments come mainly from women, not men, which I find even more disturbing.

I have heard people saying "poor you" when I said that I was expecting another boy. Or women commening on other women having "four boys" with pity in their eyes.

I also saw documentaries of women so desperate to have "the girl" that they went into IVF to be able to choose the gender of their child. The message of the documentary was horrible, basically that these women were so miserable because they had only boys. Imagine what these poor boys are going to think when they understand that message. That they were not good enough because of their gender? We, as women, have been fighting for centuries to avoid that kind of attitude, and now we seem to be promoting it, but the other way round.

Having children is a beautiful experience, no matter what sex they are. Why are some women out there making it all about a competition about having the "girly girl", and making it sound as if having boys only in something to be avoided?

I have two children and I don't want to have more. I would never try for another baby for the sake of expecting to have a girl.

The irony of this little annecdote is that the more I immerse myself in the so called "woman's world", in terms of gender roles as wife, mother, co worker, and even friendship etc, the more I start to think it's quite awful. It's a world full of petty jealousies, judgements and competitiveness and it seems so hard to run away from it, unless you're prepared to be on your own.

If I had a daughter, I would be sick worried of what lies ahead for her.

OP posts:
Spatsky · 12/10/2012 21:48

Nope MmBovary, as I said, friend with two boys always pointing out how lucky she is not to have a girl whenever I mention my daughter.

purplepansy · 12/10/2012 21:50

I've seen it too. I hate it. I think it is partly because people for some reason want a little girl 'to dress up'. One of my friends has a nasty habit of making little comments about how much she loves shopping for her little girl, in front of another friend of ours who has 2 boys, because 'you can buy so much pretty stuff for girls, and I can't wait till she's older and we can go shopping together'...
Also heard comments along the lines of 'you'll never be the mother of the bride, only ever the evil MIL'

PeppermintLatte · 12/10/2012 21:52

i've never really come across this in RL, infact i've only seen disappointment that somebody was having a 2nd girl as she really wanted one of each, but i know that would have applied if she'd have had 2 son's as well.

in my circle of friends, boys are preferred, for the simple fact of how loving they are towards their mum. that being said, most of my friends have both genders.

also, in my circle of friends, everybody wanted a girl the first time round and it was honestly because of dressing them, having them girly, doing their hair nice, better clothes etc... shallow, silly reasons.

my mum wanted me to have a girl (didn't tell me till DD was about 2) she really didn't want her first grandchild to be a grandson. she says that's because she only ever had girls herself. i would've thought that would have made her want a grandson more?

designerbaby · 12/10/2012 21:53

I don't get the gender preference thing - but it works in all directions - people assuming my DH must be gutted not to have a son, that I'd have wanted 'one of each' (actually think it's nice if siblings close in age are the same gender).

But you get people who think this way. My friend ? see thread below ? is making no bones about the fact that she is DEVASTATED to have given birth to a beautiful, healthy second son.

It's beyond bizarre and completely distasteful, especially as we have close friends who have lost two children when they were a few weeks old, after they were born prem. Having seen that, how can you not just be over the moon to have a healthy child?

I'm delighted with my girls, but would have bene equally so if we'd had boys. We were told that DD1 would be unlikely to survive much beyond birth and thought that was the case for 6 weeks of my pregnancy (she was, and is totally fine, BTW). It's one hell of a perpective realignment, something like that. And while I wouldn't wish on anyone seriously, sometimes, just sometimes...

db
xx

chandellina · 12/10/2012 21:57

Yabu, it's the same attitude if you have multiple of any gender, and can we please keep in mind that girl babies are still commonly killed and considered second class in many cultures.

PropertyNightmare · 12/10/2012 22:01

I have heard many negative comments about all boy families. lots of pity to mothers with only boys. So horribly rude. I have 3 dds and was told by many strangers, oh well done, 'no smelly boys', 'all girls how lovely' etc. I then had ds. He is a little delight! God only knows why people are so hung up on gender. I honestly did not care what genders I got. 4 girls or 4 boys and I would have been delighted either way. A mix of genders is lovely too. the worst was recently when I was stopped in Boots by a woman with 3 boys (who were with her). She looked at my kids and said 'so it can happen then, you can get the opposite gender after 3 the same - I should really try again as I only ever wanted a girl'. This was in front of 3 little boys around 3-8 years in age Shock.

PeppermintLatte · 12/10/2012 22:10

i think alot of it is down to this -

i was chatting with a client last week and she asked me did i have kids, i told her i had 1 DD, she said she had 2 DD's and her sister had 2 DS's. she then went on to say her sister was gutted she never got a girl as girls stay close to their mum's when they grow up and son's tend to do their own thing.

to be honest, i've heard this a few times and it does my head in. yes, boys do their own thing, but so do girls! i understand what she means in terms of daughter's go to their mum's for a coffee or they'll go shopping together, whereas boys don't neccessarily, but alot of boys go to the pub or the match with their dad. regardless of gender your kids will very probably be in your life until you die and love you very much, so each gender is a blessing.

Skimty · 12/10/2012 22:18

I had a conversation the other day that went like this:
Weirdo: I'm so glad I had a boy and a girl, I me, could you imagine having two boys four years apart.
Me: Ha, ha. Actually I do have boys four years apart it's fine
Weirdo: But you have a girl too so it doesn't count.

I have DS (6), DD (4) and DS (2) and it's amazing how many people feel the girl 'neutralises' the boys so my family is 'easier' than one with just two boys Hmm

Original poster
MmBovary · 12/10/2012 22:21

PeppermintLatte, I hear people saying that sort of thing too. I had a friend who was constantly telling me how all she wanted was a girl and how girls go shopping with their mums, and buy clothes together, etc, the usual gender rubbish.

She had a second boy recently and now she stopped the "gender talk", all of a sudden.

I didn't take her comments to heart, as I'm lucky to bond extremely well with both my children, and didn't bring them into the world to dress them in pink and go clothes shopping. We do go for coffee/babychino together a lot and I love it and they love it too. I'm hoping we will do that when they're older but I wouldn't have a problem if going out for coffee with their mum is not their ideal of fun :)

But the thing is, she could have really ruined my experience of having a second child if I had taken her more seriously. That's the sort of attitude that needs changing, not the sex of our children.

OP posts:
PeppermintLatte · 12/10/2012 22:36

you are right MmBovary it's a very annoying attitude. i too go for babycinno's with my DD, it's fun isn't it?!

i am yet to meet a man who doesn't adore his mother. my DH loves his mother very much. fair enough, he doesn't go for coffee's with her (nor me for that matter) but he calls in when he's passing, we all go for dinner when she offers, he calls her a couple of times a week to see how she's doing etc... if you do a good job raising your kids, regardless of gender, they will love you and be in your life until your life is over.

and i'm sure when your son's are grown, you'll be out having coffee's with friends and enjoying your freedom. i know i will be!

loveschocolate · 12/10/2012 22:37

I've heard the "one of each" preference so many times from a young age. During a drunken conversation with my Mum I asked if my Dad had wanted a boy to do sporty things with. Apparently he was the one that thought the family was complete with 2 daughters:-) My friends had a surprise 2nd boy (told girl at scan) and were totally delighted and had cringed every time they'd been told that they were so lucky to have one of each.

Moominsarescary · 12/10/2012 22:44

loves my dad was the same. My mum always says she would have liked a third regardless of gender but my dad was happy with two dds.

ThisIsMummyPig · 12/10/2012 22:51

If I could have chosen, I would have wanted 2 boys, I have two girls (which would have been my next option) and last would have been one of each. (I have always wanted either no children or 2)

I hate the number of people who want me to try again so DH can have a boy. My father is incredulous that DH can be happy with 2 girls.

I went out of my way to give someone a lift the other day, and in front of my 2 girls this man asked me when I would give them a little brother. He won't get another lift.

I think it is a generational thing - it is mostly people over 60 who think you should have one of each.

WhenLifeGivesYouLemons · 12/10/2012 23:03

I'm due to have my first dc tomorrow and my df keeps on saying things like" I'll only visit if it's a girl". I'm the eldest of four girls but my dad had two boys in a previous marriage. I know he doesn't mean it in a bad way but it's so irritating Hmm

Both df and dm get really clingy and offended when my dsis's and myself left the nest and expected us to be 'typical' DES that stayed and kept them company. I think there is this expectation that girls stay and pander to the dos.

Having said that my mum would always get asked "are you trying for a boy this time". What a stupid question! As if she had control over it

Greenwing · 12/10/2012 23:42

I have five sons so have had years of rude comments from women along the lines of, 'Poor you'. Men confine themselves to clichéd 'football team' comments.

Only once EVER has somebody said, 'How wonderful' and that was because she had one DS and desperately wanted more but had suffered multiple miscarriages.

The worst was comments in front of or even directly to the boys.
The most memorable was to my five year old in Reception class at a new school (which brothers had not attended). When he told the Teaching Assistant about his lovely family her response was, 'Your poor mother!'. He was really upset and confused by this when he came home that afternoon, poor mite.

I learned to speak very quickly, saying 'I-have-five-sons-aren't-I-lucky?' to forestall the rudeness and negativity!

My sister has not been able to have children at all. How LUCKY am I?
It is also fascinating to see how their differences are due to personality not gender.

PropertyNightmare · 12/10/2012 23:59

I agree with you totally, Greenwing. It is crazy how rude and ignorant some people are. You are indeed very lucky to have five lovely boys.

dysfunctionalme · 13/10/2012 05:39

Yes I agree there is a lot of anti-boy attitude about, though the comments I have heard have been from mothers of only girls. I wouldn't waste energy worrying about it though, it is just unashamed ignorance.

Coralanne · 13/10/2012 06:05

I have always had lunch, coffee etc. with my DS as well as DD.

Every Christmas we would have a special day out. Have lunch at a "posh" restaurant then doing the Santa Clause thing.

Now they have both grown up I stll have lunch with DS at least once a month. We sit and chat and have a great couple of hours.

Not so much with DD now as she lives too far away for a casual lunch.

CheerfulYank · 13/10/2012 06:17

I have one DS and am pregnant. I've gotten so many "oh I just know you'll have a girl and have the perfect little family" comments.

I want 5 children, FWIW.

jaggythistle · 13/10/2012 06:46

you do get people all concerned even after your first baby.

when i was pg with dc2 loads of people assumed we'd want a girl after DS1, i spent a lot of time explaining that a baby was what we hoped for...

my only concern was thinking of another boy's name we liked, when I'd managed to think of one for a girl. Grin i always though one of each would be nice, but 2 wee boys equally nice.

we did have DS2 and he is lovely of course.

the only thing I've noticed so far is people telling me that I'll have my hands full. of course if DS2 was a girl baby, I'd be sitting with my feet up and a glass of Wine :)

ilovetermtime · 13/10/2012 09:49

I've never come across anyone who seriously meant this in rl, but after reading this thread I can see that there are people like that out there. I make a lot of jokes about the gender of my kids, 2 DS's (I joke about how I'm out numbered in my house and that even the dog's male - does this make me sexist?), but they are jokes, no more. When people ask if I'm going to have a third and try for a girl, I just laugh and say no way, I can't cope with another baby full stop.
I don't take offense though when people ask me these sorts of questions, I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume that they're just trying to make small talk with me.

ilovetermtime · 13/10/2012 09:55

I've never come across anyone who seriously meant this in rl, but after reading this thread I can see that there are people like that out there. I make a lot of jokes about the gender of my kids, 2 DS's (I joke about how I'm out numbered in my house and that even the dog's male - does this make me sexist?), but they are jokes, no more. When people ask if I'm going to have a third and try for a girl, I just laugh and say no way, I can't cope with another baby full stop.
I don't take offense though when people ask me these sorts of questions, I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume that they're just trying to make small talk with me.

ilovetermtime · 13/10/2012 09:55

Sorry...

Belladonna666 · 13/10/2012 09:59

I have experienced this lots too, having 2 boys. I even wrote a post about it. Mothers of boys only, do seem to be pitied as thought we have got the second best choice. I have had mothers of girls at my ds school say throwaway comments about boys that they would never say about girls. My DH's inlaws were the worst saying how disappointed they were and MIL said "she wants a granddaughter" and her 4th grandson (BIL's 2nd child) is "alright but he's just a boy". Seriously, this attitude towards boys really does exist.

simplesusan · 13/10/2012 10:23

A friend of dh insisted that my third child must have been a mistake as "we already have a dd and a ds so why on earth would anyone plan for a third, when they have the ideal family?"!!!!!!