How would you feel if your 24 year old daughter was in a relationship with a...

[ThatAwfulWoman]

... man 25 years older?

Would it worry you or would his age not make a difference to you?

Well, there's 14 years between me and DH and it has never been an issue. We've been together 17 years now, met when I was 21.

As time goes on the reality that I will most likely outlive DH by some years becomes a it more real and I've started to think about practicalities such as DH retiring so long before me and sustaining our lifestyle with his pension and my working. Actually it's been me who's had cancer though, DH has been very healthy so far. Both his parents died young though so the worry is always there.....

I would never change our life though, he's my soulmate and we have a wonderful life. We have 2 children, born when DH was 42 and 44. Obviously he doesn't know how it would feel to have had children younger so can't compare but he's an amazing dad.

Who says you will share the same cultural references as another person just because you were born in the same decade? I couldn't have talked about contemporary music to save my life. And the man I married was admittedly my own age, but from another country, so cultural references completely unmatched.

17 years between MIL and FIL and the only person who ever had a problem with that was her mother- refused to come to the wedding, her loss (her stepfather, to his credit, did turn up). Very happy marriage, FIL didn't start showing signs of his age until he was in his 90s- by which time she was already in her 70s and had had cancer treatment to boot.

You never know what life is going to fling at you, but if you care enough about somebody and they're a decent person you can overcome all sorts of difficulties.

I actually think the difference between 70 and 90 is a lot less important than the age gap between say 25 and 45.

At 25, you may only just be starting on your professional life. You may have not even considered a family yet.

At 45 you are usually well into that journey and will have had many many more life experiences.

Good point, wordfactory, but I still think it might depend on personal circumstances/personality. FIL took longer to settle down, had a long illness in late adolescence, was in the war- MIL probably did her maturing more quickly. I don't think he would have been a mature enough husband for her, or for anyone, in his twenties.

I'm not saying an age gap doesn't cause difficulties- but so does marrying across cultures (like me and dh), or across social classes (my parents). Doesn't mean everybody should always go for the easiest option.

I didnt work in Law but for a large multinational company - I think its pretty much a way of life for any company where the directors are wealthy and work long hours.

I think if you are looking at it as a bit of fun and it wont affect your career then just go for it.

If, as I queried, he makes a habit of dating a "younger woman" as he gets on better with them then personally I would be cautious.

hatespong that's shit! You wouldn't think that sort of thing could happen - and what difference does it make to your ability as a lawyer? Sadly I am not surprised. The legal world can be weird sometimes.

I have experience of sleazy directors trying it on with girls at work. One told me that the reason he made a pass at me was that he was bored and stressed by his wife's inability to get pregnant. Wow. Determined to avoided it at my new place.

I really can't tell what his attitudes to women/age are. Nothing stands out particularly. We've talked about crushes on celebrities and he really fancies Keira Knightley but also Helen Mirren... hmm.

I'll be honest, if my daughter was in a relationship with a guy 25 years older than her I would not be happy and I would be worried. If she was young (say between the ages of 16 and 25) I would very likely consider the guy to be quite creepy/Pervy for going for such a young girl (ughh) and would question what type of man he was.

It's basically typical mundane heteromonogamist bullshit to obsess about the age gap. It's starting from a mindset that anyone dating anyone else is always on a track leading to commitment/marriage/parenthood, and also hung up on the idea that young women are fwagile ickle fwowers who can only be sold to the correctly-qualified bidder. Both lovely, life-enhancing people and raging nasty arseholes can come into someone's life, irrespective of age, culture, social class or indeed gender. What's important, for parents wanting to guide their DC towards happy, healthy interactions, is to teach them that it's OK to take people as they are, appreciate their good points and be aware of their faults, and to think long and hard before committing to anyone to an extent that you can't just say KTHXBI to them and walk away.

I just didn't tell my parents when I did this. Really none of their business. I suspect if I was the parent I'd think it wouldn't last but at 24 would keep my opinions to myself unless asked about it.

Awww, OP, don't worry what random people online think. The person that he is will matter first and foremost to people who care about you; does he treat you well? Is the relationship healthy for you?, Those would be my main concerns if you were my DD. One of my cousins is happily married to a woman 19 years his senior. He didn't want own children & his (rather adult) step-children regard the situation with amusement.

My mother had a brief fling with a many 17 years her junior, but already in his 30s by then. She asked what I thought & I said "Why should I think anything? You're both adults, have fun."

And even if you do have the on-track-to-commitment/marriage/parenthood mindset (as per sgb's post) I don't think it follows that women are fwagile ickle fwowers who can't make up their own minds about what they want out of life.

not the way you'd describe my MIL...

I know my parents had their doubts when I took up with a foreigner with no money and no career prospects. But they kept their mouths well shut and I think they are rather glad of that now. Just because you can remember someone when they needed to be lifted onto the potty and thought all animals were doggies doesn't mean you will go on knowing everything better than them all your life.

I know someone who got together with her DH when she was 16 and he was about 41. I have to admit that I did judge when she told me that. But 18 years and 5 children later, they are still going strong and they are a very nice, well matched couple.

Generally speaking however, I would judge a man who went for women much, much younger than himself. I would consider him shallow.

I have several friends with much older husbands (but not 25 years older) - between 10 and 15 years older. They mostly married in their late 20s to men in their early 40s.

10 years down the line, their relationships are entirely different to mine (DP is the same age as me) and they spend a lot less time together as a couple/family. They aren't "friends" with their DHs. More "surrendered wives in a golden cage".

Fwiw I don't think the older man thing is limited to Lawyers. I work for a large company and the number of "office romances" is unbelievable. Most are affairs and most are men in power positions who have wives at home with their kids.

Not all relationships between younger women and older men can be summed up in golden cage/trophy terms. People are all different. fwiw FIL was a journeyman hairdresser. Our neighbour (20 years older than his wife) was a lumberjack; they were very happy and he survived her by more than 10 years.

Yes they are cory.

But men who are only attracted to having relationships with much younger women are IMVHO t be avoided.

If you fall for someone out of your genereration/culture/race/class then, althought these can all can cause added complications, then it can work.

But men who seek out only younger women . I would seriously question their own maturity. And who the hell wants to date a manchild?

yes, wordfactory, I agree that there are types of men you would be suspicious of

but do we know that the OPs dp falls into that category? has she given enough information on the score? do we know that he is a manchild?

if dd rolled up with a 20 year older man I might wonder if he fell into that category, but I wouldn't necessarily assume anything before I knew him

MIL's mother jumped to totally unwarranted conclusions, which I think was wrong of her and caused a lot of grief

my parents might well have had good reason to think dh fell into the well known category of serial exploiters of holiday romances and goodness knows there are plenty of those, but they left that judgment to the person who knew him better= me

For what it's worth, my Mum was 25 years younger than my Dad. Their marriage, though rocky endured and without wanting to depress you further my mum died 6 years before my Dad who remained in relative good health and independent right up to the day he died. If it's meant to be then it's meant to be.

You're right Wordfactory, it is serial younger women daters that are worrying.

I do also think my view has been slightly skewed by the area I work in as well.

I also agree with SGB that older men can be a good experience when your younger, when I was 19 I dated a 28 year old (not much of a gap really) but I really feel it was a kind of sexual awakening for me. I guess it's the long-term that is concerning - you want the best for your kids and that doesn't usually meaning caring for someone at a relatively young age - but also, as mentioned, it could happen to a couple the same age anyway - just more chance with a bigger age gap.

When I was mid 20's, I met a man who was in his late 40's. My friend (similar age to me) began a relationship with his friend (also late 40's).

My relationship ended after two years (not due to the age difference). I am pleased that we had that relationship. If I had turned him down due to his age, I might have been left wondering "what if ........?". However, if I had remained with him, I would not have had children of my own with my now DH.

My friend is still with her partner. They did not have children. I'm not entirely sure how she feels about that. I think she is beginning to notice that he has less energy and prefers not to go out much. On the other hand, they had 10 years together whilst I was single and wondering whether I would ever meet a long-term partner.

Statistically, it is likely that an older partner's health will deteriorate before the younger partner. I think it would be naive to ignore that. On the other hand, it doesn't always turn out that way. Also, 20 years with Mr Absolutely Right could be a lot better than 40 years with Mr Yes He's Nice Enough

I have a 24-year-old sister, OP, and my parents would be devasted if she was going out with a man that much older. While they absolutely would accept that they had no right to an opinion on the matter since she is an adult, I think they would feel very concerned and helpless. I think my father in particular would feel very angry at the man in question and I cannot ever see that he would want to meet or become friendly with the DP. This all sounds very harsh now that I am writing it down. I'm sorry. Every family and every couple is different.

I think it is very usual and probably even sensible for mature, articulate 24-year-olds such as yourself to feel more connected to older men. So while 24 up to about 37/38 sounds okay to me, anything older than that seems like a very big gap. Personally I would suspect that the man was immature. But like I say every couple is different and it depends on you both and how you both feel about each other.

A 28-year-old friend is going out with a 40-year-old man. Her parents like him, but are wary, even though this gap seems normal enough to me.

*devastated

It wouldn't bother me I don't think - I have always had relationships with older men other than my first marriage (he was only 6 years older) which didn't last 5 years even!

My DH is 13 years older than me, I was 25 he was 38 when we met. Previously I have had 25 year age gaps from the age of 17 - my parents were not that impressed but they went along with it.

The one thing I would say is that 25 years is VERY likely to cause issues later in life. Even the 13 years between me and DH (I am now 32 and he is 45) is proving to be a bit problematic when planning for the future like if he wanted to retire at 55 then I will noly be 42 so we will not have enough pension saved between us for that and even at 60 I will only be 47 so it is not ideal.

Hopefully we will save like mad and get round it but there really is a lot to think about not just emotionally but financially.

It also scares me a bit about him dying a long time before me as his family don't seem to live into very old age whereas my family live well into their 90's in general!

So what sort of stuff should I look out for and be wary of? I guess I can only think short term because who knows about the future...

Also, any ideas of dealing with partner's kids who are your generation?!