How would you feel if your 24 year old daughter was in a relationship with a...

[ThatAwfulWoman]

... man 25 years older?

Would it worry you or would his age not make a difference to you?

Why is it that sweeping generalisations when made with regard to race, sex, religion, etc. are so frowned upon, but sweeping generalisations about what 'all' middle aged men are like, and, for that matter 'all' 24 year old women are like, are perfectly acceptable!?

All such prejudices are bollocks, if you ask me.

Look at the individual(s).
ALWAYS.

db
xx

Young women may waste their most fertile years with 40 plus year old men who already have children/grandchildren and who may string them along with vague promises of children "sometime in the future" because, really, they don't want any more.

The Op is very vague on facts: are they already a mother? Do they wish to adopt/foster?

It is no good 20-30 year old women pretending they don't want children to hang on to a man.

That is, if the relationship is about long term commitment not just "o.k. for now sex partner".

Similar age gap between DP and I, he's certainly the first person I've clicked with on every level. I thought he was younger when we met, he thought I was older. We have our ups and downs, like any couple, but age isn't a factor in that.

OP when I was 22 I was in a three and a half year relationship with a man who was 44. He's still a good friend and I'm very fond of him, but if I think about being with him now (he's 61) it makes me shudder a bit, tbh. The age gap didn't matter a bit to me then, and we genuinely loved each other. But when I look back I wonder what on earth he was thinking - how did he think it would last when I was so immature and we had so little in common? My next relationship was with someone two years older than me, from the same town I grew up in - it felt really good to have the same reference points.

I don't want to be totally discouraging; I really do think that it depends on the people concerned. I think there are similarities with a cross-cultural relationship in some ways, in that the lack of common experience can present different challenges. That doesn't mean they can't be overcome (or even be positive things), but they do present challenges.

Having children with someone that much older is another thing to consider. I didn't have any urge whatsoever to have children at that point, so it wasn't something I gave much thought to.

People mature at different rates. Some people never feel the need to go travelling, have lots of relationships, be 'free', etc. Some people at 24 are ready for even things like marriage and children, others not so until they're older and even much older.

I think generalising on age is why we have so much age discrimination in our society.

When I was 21, I met a 45 year old man and we hit it off around acoustic/ rock/ folk music and stayed together for 5 years. We had an absolutely brilliant time - with music and travelling being our main 'things'. My sister did not like the relationship initially but my parents were actually surprisingly good, despite the fact that my exP was born in the same year as them.

Anyway, four years in and he started grumbling about turning 50 and how that meant that everything was finished for him (or other such tripe) and I started getting bored. I'll be honest, I then had an 8 month affair (actually, bizarrely with someone 6 years older than him...!! but more finite) and our relationship essentially ended over that. Obviously really sad but probably for the best as I think people at those ages tend to have differences in perspective.

i say 'tend'. I also have close friends who at 31 and 59 are going strong after 6 years of marriage and have a 4 year old son. She's also a SM to his son, who is almost the same age. but they seem strong together.

i think an early poster was right - it depends on the people.

And even for me. The relationship ended. Badly. We are now friends, though. And it remains an unbelievably pivotal and vital relationship in my life.

I would have some reservations, purely based on the fact that my DH is 6 years older than me and sometimes even that is very noticeable to me as we've gotten older.

However I would be far more concerned with how well he was treating her, what sort of a man he was overall and how happy she was in her relationship.

I might point out the obvious pitfalls if it looked like it was getting serious, but otherwise if she was happy and he was treating her right I'd welcome him as I would any other boyfriend.

My parents had 25 years between them... it was lovely to read of your happy experience designerbaby but mine was different. The relationship was very unequal, my dm was eventually demeaned a lot by my df and the dsc. She was deeply unhappy and he had no respect for her after the first years of lurve. It affected all of us kids and also I spent my youth watching him anxiously wondering if he was going die because he seemed so old.. lost him when I was in 20s - just the persepctive of child from similar situation!

If you're thinking long term, consider the downsides and I don't mean the bath chair scenario! I mean the inequality of experience, mind control, affect of step kids if any on your own eventual dcs, how your dcs will feel about everyone thinking their df is their dgf, how they may wish they had a dad to play with rather than one they have to leave in peace while he humphs over his newspaper etc...... 24 is a fab age, please enjoy but don't commit yourself too quickly to a lifetime of this relationship without deep thought and plenty of time - don't rush into marriage and dcs I guess I'm saying!

I think I would worry but that said if I had a daughter I would worry about whoever she was dating - did they care about her, look out for her & treat her as she derseved ?

It is a big gap but I wouldn't have listened to my parents or friends if I had been in that position .

How serious is it ? Have you met him & if you have did you like him compared to previous boyfriends you have met ?

Whose to say if it will last but I would be supportive & not go on about the fact that he is twice her age - she knows that .

I don't really want children. I am very into my chosen career (just started - commercial law) and can't imagine doing anything else. I like very small children but when I see parents with say 2 or 3 primary school aged kids I know I don't want that. He says he wouldn't mind having more children, ironically. I know people won't accept that I'm not likely to have children and will probably keep saying 'what about children/when are you going to have a baby' etc.

I don't really recognise the description of middle aged men being boring and not wanting to do anything/have sex and I think the guy in the article is an extreme case. My father is a similar age and still skis 4 times a year, and he's not alone in that among his friends. The guy in the article is also a knob, imo, regardless of age.

I can't explain exactly what we do have in common but we click. Perhaps to do with the fact that I have always been very academic and can and like to discuss politics/economics/commercial stuff - ageless topics. My main worry though is that if something did happen and he had physical problems or couldn't have sex that I would be tempted by someone younger. But I suppose anyone of any age can have an accident and be made disabled, so that could happen if I was with someone my age.

designerbaby - I'm so glad your parents were happy. It's nice to see it can work (and I knew it could) but I guess every couple are different

I wouldn't be thrilled! And would question the mentality and maturity levels of a man like this. I have known several highly paid men that date women half their ages through work and they are all dysfunctional and have little respect for their girlfriends.

You shouldn't spend you life worrying about "what ifs"

No one knows what is around the corner for them. Your oh could die any leave you a young widow but is it better to grasp what you have and have these years together than miss out on the good because you are too scared that the bad could come along as some time in the furture.

I do wonder scarlettsmummy if I am missing some deep flaw, as many people seem to believe that he must have one to be interested in me in any other way apart from sexual (and I am trying not to be offended! as it does seem to be quite a widely held view). I can only say that we do have interesting conversations, and if we are debating something I often win so I think I count as an intellectual equal... I feel that I am emotionally mature but I suppose it's inevitable that I am less so than a woman 20 yrs older than me

Oh, it's a RL situation! I thought it was a stealth Downton Abbey AIBU.

I'm not a parent, but I would be wary about being in a relationship like this myself, because of belonging to different generations. My dad is 8 years older than my mum, and she actually said to me once that she wouldn't advise me to marry anyone that much older because it is problematic being married to someone of a different generation. There was quite a difference in the expectations they were brought up with because mum is a Baby Boomer and dad is really part of what has been called the Silent Generation, born before or during the war. I'm sure this has had a huge effect on the way he thinks and behaves. He is noticeably more conservative about certain things and slower to adapt to change or new ideas, which Mum finds difficult.

So I would say watch out for generational attitudes that you may not have noticed yet - it can make life quite difficult if you have incompatible attitudes to some things.

designerbaby - lovely to hear a positive story.

I'm 40, married to a 67 year old with a DD of 3. Relationships are very much about the individuals concerned. We haven't experienced too much negativity (to our faces) however I know quite a few people, including my parents (esp Dad) found it uncomfortable/strange in the beginning and a few friends were dismissive as in "That wont go anywhere". We have now been together over 10 years though so people accept us as we are. My DH is younger than both my parents but only by 4/5 years, but luckily so far in good health. He seems to me much younger than my parents so I don't always think of them as being the same age. Partly helped by us having such a young child I think, although he is very sporty which helps too.

For you, as others have said, think carefully where you see this relationship potentially going. 24 is young when the age gap is so big. I was 29 when we met and also have a DD who is now 21 (so 11 then) so in some ways felt older than my years too. If my DD (21) now met someone so much older than herself I would have serious reservations for her still being so young. Ultimately though it would be up to her and I would hope I would accept her decisions and support her however things turned out.

Good luck.

FairPhyllis - re your parents, I can imagine that. I think being born before/after the war is the biggest gap between people alive now. My dad was born just after the war but I don't think of him as old re his tastes, activities and opinions. Whereas with someone even 5 - 10 years older than him you can see the difference.

The men I know who are with younger women seem to be unable to sustain relationships with women their own age. There could be many reasons for this such as their own ego, shallowness, immaturity, commitment issues, etc, but that is my experience, hence the reason why I wouldn't be thrilled. I know of one guy who has been married three times for example- if he was that great a catch why were these women not holding on to him!

I wouldn't be thrilled, TBH if it were my daughter, but as others quite rightly say, at 24 you are an adult and your choices of partner are not any one else's business. I wouldn't honestly have thought that a woman of 24 and a man of 50 had an awful lot in common as far as life experiences go, but who am I to say. My main concern (in your shoes) would actually be your partner's DCs who I gather are 14/15 ish? I cannot think of any teenagers who would honestly welcome their Dad seeing a young woman in her 20s. I would think they will be mortified/stroppy/embarassed/angry about this and I would be wondering how this would affect our relationship in the long term. Hope it works out for you, however.

And I am not talking about women in their forties- I mean sugar daddy types dating girls in their twenties.

sowornout - I wonder about his children too. 15 is the lower range, oldest 20. So really not that much difference. But I feel I am in a very different 'place' in my life to them and being at uni aged 20 feels ages ago! I know they might not feel that though. I don't want to upset them.

I had a conversation with my nearly 80 yr. old mother about big age gaps recently. I always assumed that she would think that an age gap like that would be really not good.
Instead she came out with a lovely analogy and said; 'you are where you are in the party. You might be walking into the room as someone else is at the further end and closer to leaving. It doesn't mean you won't find a connection, find lots in common with and fall in love with someone. It just means they might have to leave the room sooner than you do'.
I would prefer it if my dc found someone closer to their age, so that they hopefully have a chance of seeing it through together until the end.
But I'm an older mum. These things are important to me because I'm more than half way through the party myself.
But I guess what is more important is that they are happy with the choices they make, and the life that they have.
If my dc were truly happy then I guess I wouldn't stand in their way.

Ps; not read any of the other posts.

Oh, golly, OP. I think if you are wanting this relationship to be a long term one then this is probably the crucial thing to be thinking about. Does a 20 year old honestly feel really young to you? It does to me, obviously, but I'm 45 with 20 yo children. Would you feel happy if (God forbid) your mother was run over by a bus and your father suddenly took up with a 28 yo woman? Or would you feel embarassed that he was dating someone of your generation? I suspect that being 'Dad's' new partner is tricky enough without having 20 year olds eyeing you and thinking, 'what the hell's he doing with someone my age?'. I do hope things work out, but I suspect that they are going to be very upset (assuming they aren't already aware of the situation). Are they boys are girls?

OP are you ready to be playing Mum to DCs less than 10 years younger than you?

OH and I have generational differences, he's 12 yrs older than me and I, now, feel that's too much of an age gap. It comes up in all sorts of things from diet and food preperation to homophobia, attitudes towards child rearing, what constitutes unreasonable behaviour etc. his views seem to be much more aligned to his parents generation than his own or mine.

This is why my first response expressed concern at the idea of the age gap you mention. I'm in my forties and my husband is talking about retiring, and I don't like it.