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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How would you feel if your 24 year old daughter was in a relationship with a...

207 replies

ThatAwfulWoman · 02/10/2012 16:06

... man 25 years older?

Would it worry you or would his age not make a difference to you?

OP posts:
helpyourself · 02/10/2012 20:46

juneau as the mother of daughters not that old, but certainly starting to date, I'm really not looking that far into the future. Ther are definitely men who are boyfriend, not husband material, but that doesn't mean everyone they date should be suitable for ever.

wordfactory · 02/10/2012 21:00

Oh God, I'd be mortified.

And I'd be asking why a man almost 50 years old wasn't interested in a woman his own age!!!

motherinferior · 02/10/2012 21:04

Oh darling, the world is full of middle aged blokes - I know, I've got one, and delightful though he is in his own special way, I really think that at your age you should be enjoying some charming young bloke with energy and masses of sexual stamina. Really. They all turn into middle aged blokes eventually, but no point in snapping up one in advance.

EchoBitch · 02/10/2012 21:09

Come off it wordfactory,loads of men go for much younger women.
I don't think i'd like it for my DD but it would be her choice and i'd have to butt out of her relationship if i wanted to stay friends with her.
DD has her own mind and at 24 she's able to make her own choices.

Now...the other way round.....well...that would be the same.

suburbophobe · 02/10/2012 21:11

How would I feel? Well, I would hope it wouldn't be a long-term thing....
To be quite honest.

I know someone who is with a man over 20 years older. 25 years down the line she is taking care of him with all his health issues. They never had children, something she regrets now.

EchoBitch · 02/10/2012 21:13

Is he loaded? Wink

helpyourself · 02/10/2012 21:16

Hmm wordfactory; that's helpful.
OP how your family react will depend on whether you're on it for the long haul. What do you want from this relationship?

ThatAwfulWoman · 02/10/2012 21:16

I do wonder what his children would think...they are all less than 10 years younger than me. He claims they would be fine, but I think that is his rose tinted glasses...

motherinferior - sexual stamina not a problem...

OP posts:
ThatAwfulWoman · 02/10/2012 21:18

EchoBitch - I suppose he is but I am not too badly off myself

OP posts:
designerbaby · 02/10/2012 21:32

Hi there OP,

There was 32 years between my parents. I'm not going to share much about it, because the last time I did, on a similar thread, some people in here were incredibly unkind about the whole thing. My dad passed away 7 years ago, I loved him to bits and miss him dreadfully, so I'm not going there again.

I think when you just post about an "age gap" relationship it misses the point by a mile. A relationship is between two people, not two ages. People at any age are a complex mix of experiences, personality traits, issues, strengths. It's whether those things fit that counts, really.

It's not always easy, being with someone significantly older. Other people can be incredibly unkind, both behind your backs and to your faces. Others will make all sorts of assumptions about each of you and your motivations. In the latter years, my dad was quite unwell, and it was very hard. When he passed away, even though it wasn't a shock, it was devastating. Mum and I miss him terribly. Every day.

But.

Would mum change a thing? I know for a fact she wouldn't. My Dad was the best of men. She was lucky to have him for the 36 years they had together. I could never have wished for a more brilliant dad.

Her parents, my grandparents were several years his junior. Amazingly, despite not being known as particularly gracious in other respects, they clearly saw him for the man he was, saw their daughter was happy and were unswervingly supportive. She was 22 when they met, he 54. I think this was pretty amazing of them, actually.

I hope I'll be equally open minded if either of my daughters brings home a boyfriend somewhat different from the norm, in whatever way that may be.

HTH.

db
xx

wordfactory · 02/10/2012 21:40

helpypourself yhe op didn't ask for help, she asked for our opinions and I gave mine.

If it were my DD I would be very upset and yes, I most certainly would wonder why a man of almost 50, with all those life experiences wouldn't want to share his life with a woman of equal experience. Why would that man choose a woman from a different generation.

squeakytoy · 02/10/2012 21:40

OP, do you plan on having children with him and does he want more children? He has already been there and done it, and is likely to be a grandad in the not too distant future as well.

Timetoask · 02/10/2012 21:41

please read this article

wordfactory · 02/10/2012 21:43

Echo loads of men do all sorts of unpalatable/idiotic/sexually driven things...that doesn't make them sensible or pleasant or good life partner material.

AnnunziatasKnee · 02/10/2012 21:50

My brother is 52 and has just left his wife for a 25 year old. I think it is ridiculous. (I admit the situation is different, hopefully). She is only a few years older than his daughter and goddaughters. She is out for his money and nothing else. He is being a fucking idiot and I can't even speak to him right now. It is so awkward when he brings her to family dinners like some stupid lovestruck teenager. It would be different if she was older. I don't know why.

helpyourself · 02/10/2012 21:52

Are you looking to settle down OP?

motherinferior · 02/10/2012 21:57

I do think that life is too short to spend with a middle aged bloke before you absolutely have to. I personally am 49 and have accepted that this is now my lot, but there really is no need to place an advance order. They all get middle aged eventually. One needs to gather a few roses first, if at all posisble.

expatinscotland · 02/10/2012 21:59

His age wouldn't make any difference to me.

expatinscotland · 02/10/2012 22:00

His age wouldn't make any difference to me.

SirBoobAlot · 02/10/2012 22:04

Age is just a number. If two people click, then really, what is the issue?

motherinferior · 02/10/2012 22:04

Middle aged men, IME:

Huff
Grumble about rather pointless things
Ask you if you really are going out dressed like that (whatever age you are)
Fuss about early nights.

Do you really want this, OP? In all your 24 year old loveliness? Think carefully...

motherinferior · 02/10/2012 22:07

Age is not 'just a number'. That is just a cliche. More seriously, I totally agree with Wordfactory's point about having a generation in common.

I've got a number of friends who've been very, very happily married to blokes 15 years older than they were...but they were in their 30s themselves when they met. OP, I'm sure he's lovely and you're very happy. But you did ask.

OTS · 02/10/2012 22:07

Well its not as big an age gap, but when I was 18, I met DH, who at the time was 33. We're now 24 and 39... At first my parents weren't happy, but once they got to know him they saw what a good match we were.

We've now been married 2 and a half years and have a lovely DS. We sometimes notice the age gap, but most of the time it just feels like I am with someone the same age as me.

Does your daughter want children with this man? If he's 49, she might need to decide this pretty soon. Is she ready for that?

In my opinion, as long as they both want the same things in life, age shouldn't matter.

squeakytoy · 02/10/2012 22:09

Age is not just a number though, not if you plan on having a family one day with someone who is a lot older than you and already has a grown up family.

You can click with someone now, but then you can grow up and find your needs and desires have changed, you want a different life, the older person wants to calm it down... you can end up feeling trapped and old before your time.

Yes it works out for some couples, but for a lot more, it doesnt work in the long run.

If it were my daughter, I wouldnt be really happy about it, because I could see the pitfalls that were likely to come.

OTS · 02/10/2012 22:10

Sorry OP, I didn't read the whole thread before posting, so didn't realise you were the one in the relationship. As I said, are you looking to settle down/have children with him? If so, as long as you both want the same things, who cares about the age gap... me and my DH are extremely happy despite ours. I'm the same age as you, and most the men our age seem so young... I'm so glad I met DH Grin

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