Page 7 | How would you feel if your 24 year old daughter was in a relationship with a...

ThatAwfulWoman · 2012-10-02T15:06:05+00:00

... man 25 years older? Would it worry you or would his age not make a difference to you?

Overcooked · 03/10/2012 11:26

Also Dotty, we're talking about a 25 year age gap here - very, very different to 13 years IMO.

dottyspotty2 · 03/10/2012 11:28

As I say it's a real personal opinion my eldest is now 21 imbalance of power is an interesting thought as DH leaves majority of decisions to myself. I grew up with parents 8 months apart and IMO that was unhealthy my dad was emotionally abusive to my mother and ruled the house with a rod of iron we never dared step out of line my mum had nothing unless he paid for it but still says he was a good man, she stood by and watched him drive her children away 1 by 1

dottyspotty2 · 03/10/2012 11:29

Had a 27 year age gap with first one.

ArtfulAardvark · 03/10/2012 11:39

Im afraid im with motherinferior on this one "They all turn into middle aged blokes eventually, but no point in snapping up one in advance."

Now, mid 40s, a man of 25 would not interest me but I have to say I am glad I was never interested in older men at 25.

Would I say anything to a daughter of that age....hmmm no but I would be puzzled by it

I too have worked with company directors who, with depressing regularity, replace dull committed older wife, with young, vibrant, free young woman who then becomes dull committed wife and on and on

Have recently holidayed in rather expensive resort where there were an inordinate amount of older successful paunchy husbands accompanied by young glossy beautiful wives and toddler children

Not saying it never works but hell relationships have enough challenges without walking into one with the odds stacked against you even more than usual.

ArtfulAardvark · 03/10/2012 11:40

Actually, as an afterthought, are his girlfriends generally his age (are you the exception to the rule) or does he always go out with younger women?

OneMoreChap · 03/10/2012 11:40

Overcooked

No, you haven't been told. You're the one telling whogivesaduck1 she's young and naive.

Overcooked · 03/10/2012 11:42

Dotty - if you don't mind me asking why did the first relationship end?

Also, how old would he have been now, would you still have been happy with the age gap?

geegee888 · 03/10/2012 11:44

I'd think she was being exploited for her relative naivity and innocence (in comparison to him) and that she was affecting her future by not experiencing boyfriends her own age. Although that she was wasting her some of her best years by basically being a plaything for an older man who, however fit and healthy now, by the time she is 40, is going to be a pensioner and either (a) unlikely to still be in her life or (b) possibly requiring caring for due to health conditions. Basically because all the advantages are for him, and I can't see whats in it for her.

What sort of man targets women so much younger anyway, rather than women nearer his own age, and why?

Its strange, in real life I don't know anyone in big age gap relationships, in fact one of my female friends found a guy 7 years older too old, and another says things like she doesn't think she's desperate enough yet to go out with an older man. Their words, not mine.

But only drop hints, as she won't listen til she's worked it out herself.

OneMoreChap · 03/10/2012 11:46

geegee888
What sort of man targets women so much younger anyway, rather than women nearer his own age, and why?

Judgemental, much?

Why do you assume he's targeted her?

dottyspotty2 · 03/10/2012 11:50

Can't remember now its a long time ago wasn't the age gap though we had lots in common he did like his drink a bit to much killed him in the end. He would of been 69 now age is just a number to me, imo a lot of relationships end because people don't want to work at it we came close to splitting 14 years ago we had young children one of whom is ASD he was ill and wouldn't tell at first bacause he didn't want me to worry but we worked it through something some aren't prepared to do.

Overcooked · 03/10/2012 11:54

Dotty - hold on, you were younger than 18 and he was 27 years older - I would be very, very uncomfortable with that, I would see him as preditory.

Onemorechap - it's not judgmental to ask what is wrong with women men's own age if they consistently go for women much younger than them.

expatinscotland · 03/10/2012 11:57

She's 24, geegee! I doubt she was living in a convent up until now.

I tried having lots of 'boyfriends' my own age.

Married a man 7 years younger.

solidgoldbrass · 03/10/2012 12:00

I don't have any DDs and my DS is only 8 so I won't be having to worry about his sexual/romantic relationships just yet but - What I would tell any young person is that there are no guarantees. Someone you think is a perfect partner might be an arsehole, or turn into one. Someone who is your perfect partner might develop a physical or mental illness, be disabled in an accident, or die. The one thing everyone needs when dating is enough self-respect to bin an unsatisfactory partner and move on. Once you've got that, you can enjoy dating people for their good points, and appreciate what may be a short term or casual relationship for what it is, rather than all this waa-ing and baa-ing about How will you cope in 20 years' time?

OneMoreChap · 03/10/2012 12:04

Overcooked

Sorry, I'm evidently not being clear.

It's perhaps not judgmental to ask what is wrong with women men's own age if they consistently go for women much younger than them, any more than it is to ask young women why they go for older young men.

It is, however, judgmental to say - as you did - 24 is very young and naive for these types of relationships

Or have I missed the point?

dottyspotty2 · 03/10/2012 12:10

Overcooked at 16 I left home and no it wasn't predatory at all what a load of bollocks I pursued him not the other way around. I was as most of my family said extremely old for my years always had been but that was due to lots of childhood issues and baggage.

EldritchCleavage · 03/10/2012 12:19

I agree, SGB.

expatinscotland · 03/10/2012 13:07

Too right, SGB!

Original poster

ThatAwfulWoman · 03/10/2012 14:00

Wow so many replies!

Will try to address as many as possible

SGB ? I think you are right about ?forever? ? who knows? Is interesting to hear people?s opinions though.

Geegee ? I think it is a bit unfair to judge it purely on what each is ?getting out? of the relationship ? I am not sure what you mean? I am in the relationship for his company and to spend time with him. What else would I be getting out of it?

Everyone who is asking is he a partner at my firm ? no! thank God. I would not go there. Work politics is complicated enough. He does not work in law. Interesting to hear anecdotes about partners etc though ? have not seen much evidence of that yet but am new. Am pissed to hear that it is harder to get partnership now though :s

FairPhyllis ? I dont see that I am ?missing out on fun to be with him?. I do everything I want to, not sure why a relationship with someone older would change that. Am a bit concerned about the children tho and how that would work

I am not 100% sure of his relationship history except 1 marriage to a woman roughly the same age, and another ltr with a woman who I think is about 10 yrs younger. May be other more minor relationships in there though

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 03/10/2012 14:22

What can be a problem with large-age-gap relationships really only happens if they are long-term: the partners start out with a bit of a teacher/pupil dynamic and if that's the biggest attraction for the older one, when the younger one grows up a bit and wants something more equal it can all go wrong. Equally, such a relationship can end well, with good will on both sides, with the younger one moving on feeling that s/he has learned some good stuff and the older one happy to let the younger one go.

It's also true that some people are kind of born middle-aged, and others never really grow up, and that's not inherently bad, either.

Good luck, OP. Enjoy your older bloke while things are good, and if they stop being good, walk away.

squeakytoy · 03/10/2012 14:26

"I am not 100% sure of his relationship history except 1 marriage to a woman roughly the same age, and another ltr with a woman who I think is about 10 yrs younger"

And now to you with roughly a ten year age gap younger than the last one..

Sounds like he prefers young women and trades them in when they have got past their shelf life..

hatesponge · 03/10/2012 16:06

The comments about partners in law firms etc - I ENTIRELY agree. I posted earlier on in this thread about a man I was in a relationship with when I was 24 - he was 44. What I didn't say is we were both lawyers, I was a trainee and he was one of the partners supervising my training contract. I shared an office with him for a year before he asked me out. I thought it was v romantic at the time (he told me he fancied me day he first saw me but had to wait til I'd finished sitting with him before making his move...) now I feel it's a bit creepy.

He worked in the area of law I wanted to specialise in (I'd decided that long before anything happened between us). The firm I trained at wouldn't keep me on. It is a very niche area of law - I suspect every firm I interviewed at knew we were involved, and that was at least part of the reason no-one would employ me. In the end I had to take a job in a different practice area. I was VERY young and inexperienced for my age, he knew all of that from the start, and he still pursued me. He then ended our relationship when my training contract ended, he couldn't even be bothered to carry on seeing me when I didn't work in the same office!

I look back and now think I had a lucky escape, he would be 60 now...!

wordfactory · 03/10/2012 16:40

Oh law firms are a bloody nightmare. Too many overworked middleaged men bored with their lives trying to spice things up with the new intake every septemmber!!! Too many bright young thangs easily impressed by well educated articulate twats!!!

KitCat26 · 03/10/2012 16:55

As long as you are having fun and have something in common there shouldn't be a problem. Enjoy it.

If it is for the long term then obviously you need to think very carefully.

I know three other women with similar age gaps with their DHs. One was widowed last year in her 50s and is enjoying a new lease of life, the two are in their 30s and happy with their choices.

I am married to DH who is 18 years older. We got together when I was 22, and had met through a mutual hobby. Occasionally I do worry about the future, it is natural but we are very happy together. DH both acts and looks young for his age, but sadly having the DDs seems to have aged me, so no one bats an eyelid.

Like any relationship ours could go either way in the future, but we are happily married right now.

VeritableSmorgasbord · 03/10/2012 16:57

I would consider that she was in a relationship with a very immature man.
Immature men basically wreak havoc, especially domestically. It's fuck all fun living with a manchild, no matter how much they have in common.
I'd take that tack with her.

Viviennemary · 03/10/2012 17:00

I would probably not be happy about it, but in the end at 24 she is an adult and has the right to choose how to live her life. I just noticed it's you OP. It's a difficult one as it's a big age gap.