To expect a colleague with suspected Aspergers not to be rude to me

[pointybird]

I share an office with Bob, and 2 years ago the company employed his 24 year old son Fred who (I believe) has Aspergers. Bob (the father) also displays autistic traits. Fred is increaingly rude to me and I have had to complain to management in the past about the way they both speak to me. Neither Bob nor managment have explained Fred's difficulties to us and I am at a loss as to how deal with Fred's rudeness.

Fred's behaviour is also very bizarre....locking himself in the loo every half hour and shouting/laughing to himself. He is also lazy and incompetent but Bob obviously protects him. How do I deal with this situation, given that management refuses to acknowlege the situation?

Own first thread I meant to write...and I will repeat that I am believing it is one of "those threads"

I have been looking at AIBU for the past couple of weeks before plucking up the courage to join Mumsnet and post something that has been troubling me for the past year or so. Although most of the comments were really helpful, a couple of them were horrible and deleted by MNHQ. Should I just 'grow a pair' and not be so sensitive?

pointy surely if you have been lurking you must have known the response you would get?

can you contact ACAS? is it ACAS?

hold on...ill look for a link

www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=1461

Go say to Fred, stop throwing paperclips at me, that is not allowed. This upsets me. If you keep throwing paperclips at me I will report your bad behaviour.

If he continues, then follow through and report him. Stop being worried about AS because if this is the case then management will deal with it. Equal opportunities means equal, he is no more allowed to bully you than you are him. But right now, all you know is that he is throwing paperclips at you.

BTW I have good experience of AS having a psychology degree, having worked with Scottish society for Autism, and having two members of my family with AS. You have to tell Fred to his face not to do it.

Ideally, you need to work with Fred, his father and management to identify which bits of Fred's behaviour (and maybe other people's behaviour) are causing problems, and how things can be changed so that you all have a comfortable working environment.

There may be some parts of his behaviour that are a problem for management, but don't need to be a problem for you, e.g. even if you think he lacks competence, if this doesn't impact on your work is it really a problem? Things like throwing paper clips clearly are a problem, but whether its because you move your desk out of range or Fred recognises that his behaviour is upsetting you, you can solve this problem.

The status quo is not helping Fred. What if something happens to his father? What if you leave and your replacement is not so easy going? Shoe horning him into a job is not a long term solution to his difficulties. However, the stance you need to take is sympathetic and problem solving, not confrontational.

Perhaps Bob and Fred just get irritated because you ever answer their questions?

YABVU.

Millions of people are just rude - you don't need to apply a mental health label to them.

Pag

Dolomites, I think a 24 year old who shouts in the loo and throws paper lips probably has some underlying difficulties. If the op hadn't suggested that there may be more to his behaviour than just rudeness, it would have been suggested by somebody else.

Paper clips. Paper lips would have different implications.

I wouldn't put up with it either, I certainly don't allow my girls to be rude to me or others (they both have autism) BUT I do have to explain why it's rude and why it makes people sad, especially if it's the truth like yesterday walking along, a teenager passes is and dd2 shouts out "he looks like Mr Bean"! it was true but very rude and she was told so (while I giggled underneath).
Dh is likely somewhere on the spectrum, and his boss asked him outright! But since he has he has been better about being direct and specific about tasks.

Yes you need to work with these people, but you don't have to put up with rude behaviour, you best bet is to talk to them both. Explain what of their behaviour upsets you but also what you would rather they do. Hth

Maryz yep sitting right next to you, have reported less than an hour ago...will see what happens...

So depressing that bad behaviour is attributed to Aspergers / Autism.
I have an ASD son & if his behaviour is bad, then he is told that and has to learn different ways of behaving - just like any other child.

Being rude & unpleasant is NOT a trait of Aspergers / Autism!!!!!!! I'm going to keep saying it, even though it often feels like banging my head against a brick wall, in the hope that the message may eventually get accross.

The person in pointy's office who has responsibility for HR should be dealing with this. If pointy makes a formal complaint, then HR have to investigate the complaint & if the complaint is upheld, take steps to do something about it. There are processes to follow.

You're not in a position to make a diagnosis, but yes, the behaviour is out of order. Be calm and clear "please don't do xyz to me because it..."

And again, another try to have you OP Pontybird elaborate, I mean it was you afterall who decided to come up with this thread and I assume you wanted support and advice???

Are you the only one noticing or suspecting something wrong? Or are there other colleagues as well. What are they thinking/saying?

What sort of workplace is it?
What sort of management is it? Why do they not intervene?

Can you elaborate more what you mean by rude behaviour? Like what? (beyond the paper clip)

How exactly has it intensified over the past 2 years?

OP, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time at work - and also from some of the posters on here. I realize you're not saying "I formally diagnose Fred with an ASD", just having an opinion that might or might not make sense of the behaviour. It's normal, surely, to do this. If your colleague became really quiet, withdrawn etc you might wonder "Maybe he's getting depressed" - ie look for an explanation. It's understandable, and doesn't necessarily have any implications for how you deal with the situation.

Talking of the situation, you're in a very tricky spot because Bob is Fred's dad, and so almost inevitably, all the normal means by which problem situations are supposed to be sorted out in the workplace are likely to fail. Fred and Bob's understandable and inevitable loyalty to each other is going to override their need to function as detached, objective professionals. Are you in a union? Could they support you to sort out problems, given that the company isn't being very helpful/professional itself? I do fear, though, that whilst father employs son, things may not improve very much. Bob is hardly likely to give his son a final written warning or whatever.

All you can do is log the behaviours (obviously leaving any guesses about explanation out of it, no matter what your private opinion) so that you've got the evidence ready if and when you need to present it to someone.

Good luck.

There is no shutting down of the discussion around disability