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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a colleague with suspected Aspergers not to be rude to me

212 replies

pointybird · 19/09/2012 18:01

I share an office with Bob, and 2 years ago the company employed his 24 year old son Fred who (I believe) has Aspergers. Bob (the father) also displays autistic traits. Fred is increaingly rude to me and I have had to complain to management in the past about the way they both speak to me. Neither Bob nor managment have explained Fred's difficulties to us and I am at a loss as to how deal with Fred's rudeness.

Fred's behaviour is also very bizarre....locking himself in the loo every half hour and shouting/laughing to himself. He is also lazy and incompetent but Bob obviously protects him. How do I deal with this situation, given that management refuses to acknowlege the situation?

OP posts:
Glitterknickaz · 19/09/2012 18:42

My DH worked for a company like that.
Not good.

LydiasMiletus · 19/09/2012 18:43

The aspergers is relevant. Its the reason she is not sure how to handle the situation.

holyfishnets · 19/09/2012 18:46

I think you need to ask to move offices or challenge everything explaining that they sound very rude when they xxx

AmberLeaf · 19/09/2012 18:47

'The' Aspergers isnt relevant as there is no evidence that there is anyone with aspergers in this situation!

Already this is turning into one of those 'its not an excuse for being horrible' type threads, which is amazing as theres nothing to say these two men are even autistic!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 19/09/2012 18:47

Some of the responses on this thread are pathetically shameful. Hmm

I agree with Hectate. If this is causing a proem, then aspergers or not, it needs to be dealt with. Can you tell him yourself that you find his behaviour inappropriate? You would need to be specific about exactly what it is he shouldn't do, bt then if you have experience of ASD then you will probably know that.

I would hope that if my son who has AS behaves in a way that is anti social the they woudo either tell him, or tell me so I can deal with it.

Doing nothing will help no one.

TheLightPassenger · 19/09/2012 18:48

sounds like the problem is more that the company culture is treating women like 2nd class citizens than putative AS.

LydiasMiletus · 19/09/2012 18:51

Op can you clarify why you think he has aspergers? Is it a guess, something bob has said?

WofflingOn · 19/09/2012 18:52

Handle the situation as you would if the workmates were NT.
Tell them clearly, and without any dissembling, that the behaviour is unacceptable. Be very specific about what he is doing that you want to stop and why.
Do your job and keep track, so that his 'laziness and incompetence' is not affecting you doing your job. Take complaints to your line manager.
TBH, I'm surprised that a person with a lot of experience of working with teenagers is struggling with this situation. Your skills seem tailor-made for this.

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere · 19/09/2012 18:54

But how can it be relevant lydia when the only evidence of it is that she suspects it.

Put 10 bloke in a room and you could suspect AS in 8 of them depending on their mood, upbringing, cultural background and what situation you had put them in.

People with AS deserve consideration for the challenges their condition brings.
Lobbing paper clips is not one of these in imo

Triggles · 19/09/2012 18:54

OP - you are in NO WAY qualified to decide or judge whether or not this father and/or son have AS. You are making a huge assumption based on your limited experience in a prior position. There is every likelihood that neither has AS.

It sounds like the business itself is more of a problem, if they are not handling complaints about rude coworkers appropriately.

I find it rather saddening that someone that has had some limited experience working with people with AS is so quick to judge someone as having SNs simply because they are rude with odd behaviour. You do realise how incredibly wrong (not to mention patronising) this is, don't you???

OwlLady · 19/09/2012 18:55

we have ethical and diversity training where we work, do you not have it? It explains how to deal with situations just like this, how to report to hr, how to have mediation etc. My dh has suspected aspergers as well but I can't imagine him flicking paperclips at a woman, hje usually avoids them...women that is, not paperclips

LydiasMiletus · 19/09/2012 18:57

it depends why she suspects it. If she is just guessing, its not relevant.
But it could be a overheard conversation, something bob has said in the past that has implied it. She may think he might have it for good reason. She may not.

OrangeFireandGoldashes · 19/09/2012 19:01

If you haven't been told by the individual(s), line management or HR that either Bob or Fred has AS, then you proceed on the basis that they haven't. Even if it transpires one or both of them are on the autistic spectrum, this behaviour is still unacceptable and needs to be addressed, either by you OP or by management.

BuntyPenfold · 19/09/2012 19:04

its good advice to say 'go to HR', but there may not be anyone. I have worked in small businesses where there is just no such thing.
I have worked in a large business where women complaining (about the manager 'tickling' them and threatening to 'smack your botty') were only told not to be such a misery!
things change slowly in some places. it isn't right, but it is real life for some people.

Kayano · 19/09/2012 19:08

Well I had a big fight with a woman who had OCD but hadn't told anyone

I thought she was rude and awful to me and after 2 years I snapped. She questioned me constantly

'you did put that £20 in the till didn't you?'
Me: Hmm well it's not in my pocket

You have done xyz haven't you?

And that change you just gave should have been £2.80...
Me: Hmm indeed it was £2.80

It was constant and always in front of my boss so one day I just said I was sick of the constant questions esp in front of boss and she didn't have to try and undermine me and make out I was incapable (as my boss had started to do.

Well after that it came out she had OCD. I felt terrible but sometimes it can really affect your work life and I don't think op was disablist Confused

She didn't say I want him gone because he has aspergers, she said ' this is happening to me, it's affecting me, I think it could be aspergers, what should I do about it.'

You've all just bloody pounced on her for no reason

LydiasMiletus · 19/09/2012 19:12

You've all just bloody pounced on her for no reason

Not all kayano.

TheWonderfulFanny · 19/09/2012 19:14

What Hec and Kyano said

worldcitizen · 19/09/2012 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

UnChartered · 19/09/2012 19:16

lots of eyebrow-lowering, kenneth williams style 'oowwwww' and Hmming yes

pouncing? not a lot really

Kayano · 19/09/2012 19:17

Sorry no not all.

RaisinDEtre · 19/09/2012 19:22

no pouncing from me cos I am sat on me hands innit

OrangeandGoldMrsDeVere · 19/09/2012 19:22

I haven't pounced on anyone.
Why is challenging an assumption/opinion so often referred to as pouncing/jumpin on, on the Internet?

Particularly when the alleged pouncee has asked for opinions?

Original poster
pointybird · 19/09/2012 19:23

I wasn't diagnosing anyone - just thought that having researched AS and trying to make our work relationship more pallatabe (but failed) I could ask for some advice/help

OP posts:
worldcitizen · 19/09/2012 19:26

pointy would you be so kind and elaborate a little bit more, please.

RaisinDEtre · 19/09/2012 19:26

the advice is that as you are not privy to staff medical histories you treat as you would any other member of staff

there ya go

you're welcome Smile

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