To expect a colleague with suspected Aspergers not to be rude to me

[pointybird]

I share an office with Bob, and 2 years ago the company employed his 24 year old son Fred who (I believe) has Aspergers. Bob (the father) also displays autistic traits. Fred is increaingly rude to me and I have had to complain to management in the past about the way they both speak to me. Neither Bob nor managment have explained Fred's difficulties to us and I am at a loss as to how deal with Fred's rudeness.

Fred's behaviour is also very bizarre....locking himself in the loo every half hour and shouting/laughing to himself. He is also lazy and incompetent but Bob obviously protects him. How do I deal with this situation, given that management refuses to acknowlege the situation?

Or maybe he's just rude. Which isn't on. Unless he has a reason to be rude. Which then isn't being rude but necessary.

Well, I won't sit on my hands

My children both have autism. My youngest also has ADHD.

If they are being rude - they get told!

Autism is not a reason to allow unacceptable behaviour.

It is a reason to understand what may at times be socially inappropriate behaviour, with a view to supporting the person as far as possible to understand what is and what is not ok and to function as best they can. But you don't shrug and say well, autism, that's ok, do what you like.

You do the person a great injustice by not helping them to understand socially acceptable behaviour.

And - someone on the autistic spectrum can just be being an arse, same as anyone else.

So deal with it. complain. Ask for support for them, someone to have a word and outline acceptable behaviour.

It's what I'd want someone to do for my kids, if they were behaving in an inappropriate or unacceptable way.

(what I DO want, when they ARE! )

easy now Glitter

we don't want to accuse the OP of disablism by stealth do we?

Can you change offices? Then Bob and Fred can be happy together?

forget about whether either of them are autistic or not and deal with what you know

If they are rude, then challenge them/report them to management?

throwing paperclips on your desk???? surely in an endearing/joking kind of way?

if fred is lazy and incompetent, how does he keep his job?

do you work at the same level?

soz, what does 'jog on' mean? That I should get over it?

It's not simple because Aspergers is a disability that impairs a persons ability to interact in a socially acceptable way, lack of empathy, difficulty in grasping that other people even have feelings let alone understanding them.

What we may interpret as rudeness, and get upset about, somebody with AS may have no comprehension of.

It's their disability that makes them appear rude, maybe a bit of understanding of where they are coming from can alter the perception of whether they are actually rude or not.

more or less, pointybird :)

Oh bloody hell Hec. Why are you always so reasonable?

Good post hecate

Good post Hecate. I don't have a lot of experience of autism or Aspergers so don't really feel able to advise anybody how to deal with a colleague.

Shakira - disability or not. They are not allowed to make people unhappy. By the OP sitting back saying 'well I will just be miserable because he might have...' isn't helping anyone.
Read usuals post it says it better than I could. As usual. :)

OP.. you state that you believe the son has Aspergers and that the father has autistic traits. Now, I'm taking a leap here and thinking your job is not as a developmental paediatrician or other type of medical professional that is trained in diagnosing these things (after specific assessments, which incidentally is not simply being in the same office).

So why do you believe the son has Aspergers? That really is an important question before we go any further into the discussion tbh.

I'm not saying the OP should be made to feel miserable and just put up with it, as Hecate says rude behaviour should challenged.

I am saying that the guy may need his behaviour pointing out to him as if he has AS he may honestly not understand that he is upsetting people.

At the same time, if the OP can understand that his rudeness is not deliberate or malicious then she need not take it personally or to heart.

Sorry not usuals post hecates. Apologies.

I'm not an ed psych, but have worked with teenagers on the autistic spectrum in a mainstream school. Have a fairly good understanding of learning/behavioural difficulties, but don't know how to apply them to my current work situation

I am that you would think inappropriate to start a thread asking a question based on your suspicions of AS.
It's weird.

What you have is someone behaving in an inappropriate way at work.
It is to for you to dx him.
If he is behaving this way report it to your line manager.

If he was displaying a lack of social awareness i.e. not saying hello/goodbye, interrupting you and/or expecting you to be as interested in Dr Who as he is, it would be different.

But this man is throwing paper clips at you.

The propensity to throw paper clips is not included in the diagnostic criteria where I work.

My ds can be rude but not in the way you describe. If I allowed him to say or do as he liked he could grow up to behave in that way.
But then so would your dcs.

Nah. Just interesting how disability threads start like a rash and boomph they're everywhere.

I don't think for one minute rudeness should be allowed. Correct procedure according to the relevant workplace should be followed with regard to complaint.

I also don't see why it's any of the OP's business and why management should have to divulge a person's condition. Providing they do the reasonable adjustments bit then disclosure is surely down to the individual? Perhaps they don't want people knowing their business?

Yes, so to achieve this she needs to speak up and not let it continue just because hr may have additional needs. Which is what I said.
She its not complicated.

So yeah.... why even bother mentioning AS? It's not actually relevant.

Surely you can be rude without some sort of diagnosis. My MIL is rude super rude. Watching her at a family wedding was painful DH and I were open mouthed at how dreadful she is socially - e.g. "are you pregnant again" to cousin who had put on abit of weight, "you need to sort out those grey hairs" to me, banging on and on and on to the late thirty something single women about their singleness "arent you worried" "is your mother upset" etc despite the obvious discomfiture of the victim. She does not have one friend and is estranged from the extended family. She just has no social skills.

calls me silly

If the cap fits!

I have worked with teenagers who are fairly high on the autistic spectum, but not as colleagues. I work for a shithole engineering company, based in the 1970's and management think that women should shut the fuck up and not complain Eg I had to make an official grievance re: a change to my contract and they wouldn't even allow me a meeting

24 year old son Fred who (I believe) has Aspergers. Bob (the father) also displays autistic traits

So you just suspect all of this?

As far as you know they aren't autistic?

Why put it in your title?