Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is DH being controlling? he doesn't want me to wear fancy dress on a mates birthday night out

210 replies

WoodlandHills · 04/09/2012 19:25

He doesn't much like my friend anyway, as he deems her to be "chavvy" and "tarty" Hmm
He also implies she is a bad influence on me (again, ffs, I'm a grown woman) as she is in quite a bad relationship (in fact she is one of the friends I was talking about in my last thread re men who don't do childcare, if anyone read it) so she is flirty when she is out and likes to get mens attention. Which, while that is not my thing, I think is totally up to her, its not my place to judge. Although fwiw I have said to her if she wants flirt with other men she would be better off ending her present relationship. I wish I hadn't told DH stuff about her as this just gives him more ammo to dislike her :(

Anyway she turns 30 soon and is organising a night out just her female mates. She wants us all to wear fancy dress and go clubbing. Which tbh I thought will be good, cheesy fun. Me and her are going as sexy policewomen (sorry sorry Blush ) and we both bought our outfits at the weekend online.

I mentioned this to DH today and he really got the MASSIVE arse, saying it was "disrespectful" to our OHs to go out "dressed like slappers" and saying men will be perving over us, etc, etc, anyway the upshot is he REALLY doesn't want me to wear the outfit.

This is being controlling, right? Or not? What would other peoples OHs think if they were in that situation? What should I do? She is quite a new-ish friend and I really like her and I really want to go on this night out :(

OP posts:
thecook · 06/09/2012 00:26

OP Your husband is controlling.

Its a bit of fun in my opinion. I went out dressed as a French maid once with my BF. Her brothers came out in pantomine horse fancy dress. They were a couple of paras on leave. Was a normal thing in my northern hometown Grin

diddl · 06/09/2012 06:46

Husband has expressed his opinion-strongly.

But unless he refuses to let OP out in the outfit/see her friend I don´t see how he´s being controlling.

Proudnscary · 06/09/2012 07:02

Any bloke uses words such as 'chavvy', 'slapper' 'tarty' to describe women and uses the dreadful, overused refrain of 'disrespect' because their partner is doing something they don't want them to do is a knobber.

Diddl - he's not just expressed his opinion strongly, he's been offensive and misogynistic.

diddl · 06/09/2012 07:21

OK-so he´s a knobber, offensive & misogynistic-but is he controlling?

thebeesnees79 · 06/09/2012 07:36

If he is uncomfortable with his wife going out dressed in something a bit tarty I don't think he is being unreasonable.
he hasn't said you can't go, just that your choice of outfit is bad.
why don't you compromise and go out but wear something nice rather than a trashy outfit?

CrackerJackShack · 06/09/2012 07:57

Since you said this is out of character for him I would suspect that it has more to do with his mistrust and dislike of your friend, than anything to do with the outfit or you.

Do you think he would react the same way if you went out with another, perhaps more "mature" friend dressed like that?

I have 2 friends who are heaps of fun and love to do fancy dress and stuff. However, one just likes to go with the girls and have a laugh, the other, goes to flirt with guys and get laid. DH is fine when I "tart it up" and go out with the first, but not so pleased with the latter. Because he knows full well what happens when the latter decides to have a wild night. (Frankly after the giant fight she caused at one bar during Halloween a couple of years ago, I'm of the same opinion as him).

fluffyraggies · 06/09/2012 07:58

I've only just read the actual thread, but did read the OP out to my DH on Tuesday night when it was new. I was a bit on the fence.

I was totally unsure what he would say tbh. Interestingly - he said "No, he's not being bloody unreasonable to be unhappy about that!"

I asked why - he muttered about not wanting other blokes perving over me dressed like that. Hmmm. I asked about trust and he said that wasn't the point.

He asked how i would feel if he went out in the male equivalent (although we couldn't think of one - as blokes dressed up just look funny not sexy Grin) with a mate that was likely to be putting out all round town, and i had to agree i'd be a bit Hmm Bit uncomfortable. Not that i don't trust him - just that i don't think it sits right when you've got a much loved long term partner.

My DH is the least controlling person on the planet. He just wouldn't like it and found it hard to express it in a PC way.

That's my 2 pence worth anyway :)

Thedoctrineofennis · 06/09/2012 08:31

But fluffy would you call him a slapper and say he was being disrespectful of you?

OP, what have you decided to do?

solidgoldbrass · 06/09/2012 08:56

There really are some miserable whiners in the world. OP, wear whatever you like and if your H moans tell him to get stuffed. It's fine to dress up and show off and have a laugh if you want to; some people seem to think that women should never be allowed out without full body coverage and their male owner keeping them on a lead.

Remember, it's always fine to leave a man who thinks he owns you, and I would certainly bin one who started saying I was 'disrespectful' of him. Because anyone who whines about 'respect' automatically becomes someone who doesn't deserve it.

As to the poster whining about her professional uniform being demeaned by common people wanting to have fun with it - get over yourself! Plenty of other professionals who wear uniforms are totally unbothered by fancy dress versions of their workwear, and if you find patients get funny with you it might well be because you come across as utterly self-righteous and precious.

Proudnscary · 06/09/2012 09:02

Diddl - going by just this example maybe, maybe not. I personally think its an indication yes.

diddl · 06/09/2012 09:24

Could be, of course as this is just a snapshot.

FiveRingsForDinner · 06/09/2012 09:36

sexy policewoman - yuk. I'd think less of my DH for dressing like a strippergram - and I expect the same would apply on reverse. It's not 'fun' - its cheap and nasty.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 06/09/2012 09:37

You'd think less of your own 'D'H because of an outfit?

Wow.

HiHowAreYou · 06/09/2012 09:48

I go out in shortish skirts and tight dresses, but I wouldn't wear a costume like that to go out, because it is, hmm, kind of, clearly for sex.
It's different to going out in normal, "sexy" clothes, because it's, well, fetish wear!

Saying that... Your husband doesn't have the right to tell you not to wear it.

fluffyraggies · 06/09/2012 11:49

Would i call him a slapper and say he was being disrespectful?

Well - if i said i didn't want him going out dressed like a prat - i wouldn't be saying he is a prat ... i think that's splitting hairs. I think if she genuinely feels he thinks she's a slapper there's more wrong with marriage than an argument over an outfit!

Look - this is her DH. She's married him. He's not a random on the street. Doesn't she know him by now?? He said "i feel it would be disrespectful to go out dressed like slappers". He could have framed it better ... but personally i wouldn't all stressed over it - 'Oh i'm a slapper now am i?' Like a school kid.

By the time you're married to someone surely you can say what's on your mind without your OH disecting it and getting hysterical. It's how he feels. I just don't get the OMG, OMG he's telling me i'm a slapper and says i have to respect him. He's not beating her at sunrise, asking her to bring him his slippers and keep her head lower than his or anything! He just doesn't want her going out dressed 'like that'.

It's pointless us all debating whether 'like that' is acceptable or not because we all of us will have a different opinion on that. His is different to hers. Should she respect his opinion? is the question for me here.

piedaterre · 06/09/2012 12:01

This is a bizarre thread. It started with OP asking if her DH was being controlling and if she should basically put her foot down and go out. Now some posters (solid gold) are encouraging her to leave her husband over it??
Unless I have missed some terrible revelations in the middle that is pretty odd.

lottiegarbanzo · 06/09/2012 12:24

If you want to go out dressed as if for the more exhibitionist sort of hen party and possibly behave accordingly (shrieking drunkenness and much female camaraderie) then most men will keep their distance. You are likely to attract attention from the worst sort of leery, drunken men, which may be 'fun' to a point but could be really irritating for you and you may have to waste time and energy keeping them at bay. That would be the main consequence I'd see.

The point about not liking one's partner to be leered at could be two things I think. Embarrassment for you and a sense that the friend is making a fool of you, or the very basic idea that at some level you are his possession.

Personally I think there's a difference between fancy dress and fetish wear but from what I see on Saturday nights a lot of people seem to disagree.

Youcanringmybell · 06/09/2012 13:08

YABU- I do not think it is appropriate to go out dressed in something that is essentially used for sex role play. Face-it, you friend wants to dress up in order to garner attention from men whilst out and you have got roped into it. You are trying to convince yourself it is just a bit of fun but by the way to talk about your friends...you know why the sexy outfit is needed.

It is a sex outfit. I think a married person should not be going out purely to gain attention from the opposite sex.

Kabooooom · 06/09/2012 13:24

The stuff Ann Summers sells and the likes are, correct me if I am wrong, aimed for sexy dress up in the bedroom. I own quite a few, but they are for mine and my DP's enjoyment within the bedroom and nowhere else. They are designed to be sexy and turn others on.

Why oh why do you have to wear next to nothing or one of these outfits out or be at risk of being a snob? Frankly, I can still go out and have a bloody good time without having most of my tits out on show and wearing a belt. You don't automatically have more fun and be more down to earth the less you wear Hmm what is the need to wear clothes which don't leave much to the imagination unless it was for attention? Why would you need that attention if you are happily in a relationship/married?

Personally, I could only be wearing a bin bag and not give a shit, so long as I am having a good time and with great company, having a laugh, and dancing to some good music. Don't see why you have to wear less to have more fun.

Thedoctrineofennis · 06/09/2012 13:26

Fluffy I see your distinction between "like a" and "is a" and you have better reflected the OP there,

My major issue is the DH using the word "slapper" at all - it's a much stronger word than prat, to me.

I think the OP has given up!

TalHotBrunette · 06/09/2012 13:27

I'm a bee and I find sexy insect outfits hugely disrespectful. Grin

It's just a giggle, if you've got the body for it, wear it. It's actually pretty tame compared to some of the clubbing outfits I see out and about in my city late at night - essentially bikinis and socks.

The drunk young guys will be trying to pull the drunk young girls and might strike up a bit of banter but if you don't act on it, neither will they. DH sounds insecure.

Thedoctrineofennis · 06/09/2012 13:29

Fluffy I see your distinction between "like a" and "is a" and you have better reflected the OP there,

My major issue is the DH using the word "slapper" at all - it's a much stronger word than prat, to me.

I think the OP has given up!

brighteyedbusytailed · 06/09/2012 13:40

Hmmmm, I think he is transferring his opinion of your friend onto you.

had it been more of a 'sensible friend' I have a suspicion he would have reacted as strongly.

brighteyedbusytailed · 06/09/2012 13:40

*would not.

Original poster
WoodlandHills · 06/09/2012 21:34

Thanks again for all the posts :)

Have sorted it now. Thank god!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread