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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is DH being controlling? he doesn't want me to wear fancy dress on a mates birthday night out

210 replies

WoodlandHills · 04/09/2012 19:25

He doesn't much like my friend anyway, as he deems her to be "chavvy" and "tarty"
He also implies she is a bad influence on me (again, ffs, I'm a grown woman) as she is in quite a bad relationship (in fact she is one of the friends I was talking about in my last thread re men who don't do childcare, if anyone read it) so she is flirty when she is out and likes to get mens attention. Which, while that is not my thing, I think is totally up to her, its not my place to judge. Although fwiw I have said to her if she wants flirt with other men she would be better off ending her present relationship. I wish I hadn't told DH stuff about her as this just gives him more ammo to dislike her :(

Anyway she turns 30 soon and is organising a night out just her female mates. She wants us all to wear fancy dress and go clubbing. Which tbh I thought will be good, cheesy fun. Me and her are going as sexy policewomen (sorry sorry ) and we both bought our outfits at the weekend online.

I mentioned this to DH today and he really got the MASSIVE arse, saying it was "disrespectful" to our OHs to go out "dressed like slappers" and saying men will be perving over us, etc, etc, anyway the upshot is he REALLY doesn't want me to wear the outfit.

This is being controlling, right? Or not? What would other peoples OHs think if they were in that situation? What should I do? She is quite a new-ish friend and I really like her and I really want to go on this night out :(

OP posts:

BeeBee12 · 05/09/2012 08:56

I think like this is controlling, but lots of men and women are extremely insecure and dont fully trust their partners.

wordfactory · 05/09/2012 09:16

Op I don't want you to wear that outfit, never mind your DH.

I mean, really???? Really????

Why would any self respecting adult woman want to wear that???

catgirl2012 · 05/09/2012 09:22

Do you look like the model in the picture OP? Or close?

Don't take this the wrong way but it is not exactly likely to flatter...........

CajaDeLaMemoria · 05/09/2012 09:28

Honestly, what your DH thinks aside, I would not go out in an Ann Summers outfit.

Firstly, every student out there will be wearing them, especially now that they can get a student discount.

Secondly, everyone can instantly recognise them as being from a sex shop, and that does have connotations. Whether it should have or not is irrelevant to the fact that it does - and both you and your friend wearing it will mean you attract double the attention. Have a look at the male AS "costumes" - would you be happy him wearing that out? Even if you completely trust him, would you not be uncomfortable with the response he'd get from others? That's what you should decide from.

Only you know your DH enough to know if he is being reasonable or not. Is he concerned for your welfare? I don't think my DP would be too pleased if I was going out like that, because he'd worry about me. Even I behaved in exactly the same way as I would wearing a giant jumper, other peoples reactions to me would be different, and he'd worry that someone would make me uncomfortable/try it on.

But that aside, I'd rethink the outfits. You've already said that she is going to get attention, and there is no reason that you can't dress up (even still like a police woman) without wearing a sex shop outfit and suspenders. I think that probably should be kept for the bedroom.

Although it's your choice, and you haven't said he won't let you go/has locked you in/will leave if you do go, so he isn't actually stopping you - so if you are happy to go out dressed like that, there is nothing stopping you.

squeakytoy · 05/09/2012 09:31

Dont forget to take a bottle of baby oil out with you too... because if you go out looking like a cheap strippergram, you will certainly get treated like one.

If that is the desired effect you want to have on people, then fine, but I can completely see why your husband may not be happy with you going out looking like that.

crazygracieuk · 05/09/2012 09:34

I think that your h is nbu to object and you are nbu to want to dress how you want.

Do you dress sexily for your h?

I think that if the roles were reversed and a woman was upset that her husband and his best mate with a reputation had chatted up women dressed as sexy policewomen, then people would say that the h should grow up and pick better mates.

MySpanielHell · 05/09/2012 09:36

But the OP hasn't said she is intending to chat anybody up, so how is that reversing the roles?

AmazingBouncingFerret · 05/09/2012 09:39

A friend of mine wanted us all togo out dressed as fecking bumblebees. Like this

I told her I'd do it. I'd found the perfect outfit She wasnt amused.

porcamiseria · 05/09/2012 09:43

lerts move this to the Feminism Board

McHappyPants2012 · 05/09/2012 09:44

:) loves those link.

badtasteflump · 05/09/2012 09:45

YABU for dressing as 'sexy policewomen' IMO - sorry. I'm not against fancy dress, even 'sexy' fancy dress, but why why why does it have to pander to the sexy policewoman/sexy nurse/etc bollocks?

Personally I wouldn't want to spend the night dressed up as some dirty old mans fantasy from the Adult Channel but it's your call I suppose..

BUT I definitely think YANBU for thinking it's not up to your H what you wear on a night out. You're an adult and it's your decision.

LurkingAndLearningLovesCats · 05/09/2012 09:46

It's the comments I find concerning, not the opinion.

2rebecca · 05/09/2012 09:47

I'd have happily worn that 10 years ago. I can't imagine my husband complaining that I was looking too tarty when going out without me getting extremely angry. It's nothing like dressing as a chippendale, the male equivalent given. That outfit exposes no more than many clubbing outfits, it's just a bit camp.
I think men are much more controlling about what women wear than women are about what men wear.

Peacocklady · 05/09/2012 09:53

YABU. Your friend clearly has influenced you to do something you wouldn't normally do (you said you'd normally go out in normal clothes), so he's right there.
He has also said you'll get perved on by pissed up men (the delightful type who are attracted by this sort of sex outfit), again he is right there.
You haven't said how you'd feel if he was persuaded by a flirty mate to dress up as a male stripper for a night out.
How old are you?

NotDavidTennant · 05/09/2012 10:00

Your DH is an arse and, to be honest, it doesn't sound like he has a high opinion of women.

On the other hand, at that outfit. You know your friend is only picking it to get male attention. Please have some dignity.

piedaterre · 05/09/2012 10:04

I'm with your husband. I don't think this is the way a married/committed woman should behave really, wearing a strippers' outfit on a night out. But each to their own, I guess different people find different things acceptable. I would have thought you'd want more dignity though...

aziraphale · 05/09/2012 10:16

If he's being whingey, rather than dictatorial, I would ignore him and go out anyway. If he's being dictatorial, I would speak to him quite plainly about it and go out anyway. Although it is a bit difficult to shout "I AM A WOMAN AND I SHALL NOT BE REPRESSED BY YOUR MISOGYNISTIC SYSTEM" on your way out, when you're wearing thigh high boots,a peekaboo bra, handcuffs and a pink glittery wig...

porcamiseria · 05/09/2012 10:24

notdavid

genuinely curious, what words made you infer that DP is arse and has low opinion

I just tread he is not super keen on his wife going out dressed like a stripper wth her horny mate- WHAT A REPRESSIVE BASTARD!!!!

WorraLiberty · 05/09/2012 10:30

I don't get NotDavid's comment either

In one breath you're saying he has a low opinion of women and in another breath you're virtually saying the same thing as him...except you're using the phrase "Have some dignity" and he's using the phrase "Dressed like slappers"

ClippedPhoenix · 05/09/2012 10:34

My DP wouldn't mind this to be honest, he'd laugh. He's a secure adult.

In saying that, if he did, tough I'd do it anyway if I wanted to

oranges · 05/09/2012 10:36

Christ, that outfit is so unflattering if I were your dh I'dbe delighted you were going out in that. I can't imagine it suits anyone, not even the model in that pic.
Although aziraphale

"Although it is a bit difficult to shout "I AM A WOMAN AND I SHALL NOT BE REPRESSED BY YOUR MISOGYNISTIC SYSTEM" on your way out, when you're wearing thigh high boots,a peekaboo bra, handcuffs and a pink glittery wig... "

Pinkforever · 05/09/2012 10:36

I cant believe some of the opinions on this thread-have I travelled back in time to the olden days per chance?]hmm]

Hell would freeze over before my dh would tell me what I can wear.

As for some of the "slapper","sleazy" and "stripper" comments-wtf!! how nasty and quite frankly sounds a bit like insecurity to me-make another woman feel bad about themselves-nice..

do you really believe that if a women chooses to wear a revealing costume then she deserves to all she gets? because thats what it sounds like to me-bit like telling a rape victim they shouldnt have worn a "tarty" dress.

So what if they are attracting attention?-do you automatically have to fade into the corner when you get married?

Honestly op if you want to wear it then do-I have a couple of ann summers outfits that I have worn to various nights out. Havent attracted any more attention in them than I do in my "normal" going out gear.

Peacocklady · 05/09/2012 10:39

Strippers often dress like sexy policewomen, it's a valid comment!

Birdsgottafly · 05/09/2012 10:41

I have gone out wearning sexy insect costumes, i cannot compare tbh, because we always get attention, we are attractive.

We got less attention dressed up, because we are all confident, loud people and i think that we were quite terrifying.

We had a laugh around the gay clubs, we weren't the only one's dressed up, which was our intended destination.

We had started out in normal pubs.

It must depend on how you normally are, how you look and where you live, because i don't 'get' some of the opinions on here, especially about 'the slapper/stripper' comments.

It goes back to what is considered 'consent' and i don't consider looking a certain way to be 'consenting' to being treated disrespectfully.

I have spent many years going to gay clubs and there is a whole different attitude.

Peacocklady · 05/09/2012 10:43

I like to think I would be able to tell my dh if he was wearing something I didn't like, without him telling me I was controlling, it's called communication and expressing your feelings.
Partners have to stay quiet now do they if they don't like something?

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