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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is DH being controlling? he doesn't want me to wear fancy dress on a mates birthday night out

210 replies

WoodlandHills · 04/09/2012 19:25

He doesn't much like my friend anyway, as he deems her to be "chavvy" and "tarty" Hmm
He also implies she is a bad influence on me (again, ffs, I'm a grown woman) as she is in quite a bad relationship (in fact she is one of the friends I was talking about in my last thread re men who don't do childcare, if anyone read it) so she is flirty when she is out and likes to get mens attention. Which, while that is not my thing, I think is totally up to her, its not my place to judge. Although fwiw I have said to her if she wants flirt with other men she would be better off ending her present relationship. I wish I hadn't told DH stuff about her as this just gives him more ammo to dislike her :(

Anyway she turns 30 soon and is organising a night out just her female mates. She wants us all to wear fancy dress and go clubbing. Which tbh I thought will be good, cheesy fun. Me and her are going as sexy policewomen (sorry sorry Blush ) and we both bought our outfits at the weekend online.

I mentioned this to DH today and he really got the MASSIVE arse, saying it was "disrespectful" to our OHs to go out "dressed like slappers" and saying men will be perving over us, etc, etc, anyway the upshot is he REALLY doesn't want me to wear the outfit.

This is being controlling, right? Or not? What would other peoples OHs think if they were in that situation? What should I do? She is quite a new-ish friend and I really like her and I really want to go on this night out :(

OP posts:
TheDoctrineofEnnis · 04/09/2012 20:00

OP it would be fine if he'd said "Won't it look a bit silly and attract a lot of letching?"

What he actually said was that you were disrespecting him by dressing like a slapper .

Can he not see how disrespectful his own comment is of you, your decisions and your self hood? Really?

catgirl2012 · 04/09/2012 20:00

He's not being controlling to say he doesnt want you to wear it

It is now up to you if you decide you want to respect his view and not wear it or if you feel you want to go ahead and wear it regardless.

If you do decide you wish to wear it and he tries to stop you in some way, then he would be being controlling

ChaoticismyLife · 04/09/2012 20:29

"dressed like slappers"

Hmm

Nasty vile comment. I'd be questioning his attitude if my hypothetical DH came out with a comment like that.

DoMeDon · 04/09/2012 20:40

He doesn't want you to wear it - he's entitled to feel that way. You can do as you please. Controlling is not expressing an opinion, it's trying to manipulate/make you not wear it. If he does that, eg "wear that out and you'll come home to an empty house", then he's an arse. Describing women as slappers due to how they dress is Hmm Having said that I see stag/hen night/birthday fancy dress night out people attention seeky weirdos.

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/09/2012 20:48

He has not told you that you can't go.
He has not told you that you can't wear it.

Jux · 04/09/2012 21:00

DH would think I was mad, but he wouldn't worry about it. I think he might be concerned if I was out very late and likely to have a problem getting home.

Does your h not trust you if other men are paying you attention? If that's his problem, and your life is curtailed severely by this attitude then you may need to consider the possibility of his being controlling.

chandellina · 04/09/2012 21:01

Women certainly have the right to wear whatever they want but observers are also free to judge and draw conclusions. I personally wouldn't be thinking respectable married women out for a laugh if I saw a couple of "sexy policewomen" flirting with blokes. So it follows that I can see why your dh wouldn't like it and wouldn't want people getting the wrong idea. To me those sorts of outfits can only be designed to garner male attention.

ArtVandelay · 04/09/2012 21:02

Has he ever actually been out on one of your nights out? My DH has been out with me and my friends a few times, and sees that we are just so utterly engaged in cackling and arguing and drinking that no men ever come near! If your DH thinks your nights out are just a big flirt fest because of what you said your friend does, then I can see why his point a little. He's not actually said 'you are not allowed out' has he? If he did that, that would be controlling.

My friend and I once got invited to Tarts and Vicars party so we dressed as slutty Nuns. DH was a bit concerned because some of his distant work colleagues were going so we made him a sleazy priest costume and made him come along. I have to say that the more open I am about things, the more trust DH has. Have you thought of this approach?

In summary :) I think you are NBU but maybe discuss a little more with your husband about your social life and less about the one friend.

holyfishnets · 04/09/2012 21:02

You just want to have a girls night and some fun. He is being controlling I agree. He needs to learn to trust you.

joanofarchitrave · 04/09/2012 21:09

Mmm. To me a 'sexy policewoman' outfit is essentially something you wear if you and your partner are into fantasy roleplay (count me out). If you wore something that was more about actual fancy dress, say a clown outfit (again count me out, but just as an example) would he be OK with this?

Numberlock · 04/09/2012 21:15

What of it was a group of guys going out for a birthday dressed as sexy firemen? Would they be unable to keep their cocks under control after a couple of drinks and be disgracing their wives?

WorraLiberty · 04/09/2012 21:21

It sounds as though he doesn't trust you OP and that's a bit of a slippery slope.

I could understand if he was quietly mortified at the thought of you going out dressed like that...I can think of a few people who would also feel that way.

But you are your own person and if that's what floats your boat, he shouldn't be trying to stop you.

If it's 'disrespectful' at all, it's disrespectful to the Police force...not your sulking Husband.

NCForNow · 04/09/2012 21:26

I think yabu. I wouldn't go out like that...not since I got married anyway! I think a gorgeous sexy going out dress is fine...but dressing as a copper which is a well known fetish...then going out to clubs...it's a bit much.

It's the reverse of a man going to a club and dressing as a fireman...so women would be all over him!

NCForNow · 04/09/2012 21:27

X posts wth Numberlock....I wouldn't want MY DH out in clubs dressed as a fireman!

It's a certain sort of attention seeking that's not on when you're married or in a serious relationship.

Numberlock · 04/09/2012 21:28

That wasn't what I meant, NC

joanofarchitrave · 04/09/2012 21:30

Dressing in that specific outfit to go out without your partner is something that would bother some people, and not others. It clearly bothers your OH. Does that bother you?

squeakytoy · 04/09/2012 21:38

OP, if your husband were to go out with his mates dressed as a "sexy fireman", you can pretty much guarantee that there would be plenty of groups of drunk women giving him lots of attention. That doesnt mean he would reciprocate, but would YOU be happy in the knowledge that he was out being propositioned by other women?

I can see your point about wanting to go out wearing whatever you like, but I can also see his point about not wanting his wife to be potentially mauled by drunk blokes all night because they think she is fair game due to the way she is dressed, and is with a mate who is likely to be egging the blokes on.

ArtVandelay · 04/09/2012 21:39

Just out of interest, what prompted to you to dress as policewomen? There are less sexy/aggressive costumes out there - flight attendants, fairies etc.

(we picked nuns because we both had long sleeved black dresses and I had a couple of black pillow cases I made the wimples out of)

What is your DH like when he is out with his friends? Is he lairy and flirty?

FelicitywasSarca · 04/09/2012 21:40

I don't think the information youve provided tells us enough about your DHs character.

Yeh. He might be being controlling.

Or he might be cringing inside at the scene and worried about the (possibly negative and aggressive) attention you might attract while wearing the outfit.

Frankly I would rather eat my own eyeball than go out dressed like that- but each to their own. Although I can't help thinking that when I was young and stupid was a student I did dress like that on occasion- but I generally wanted to have fun and pull...

NCForNow · 04/09/2012 21:42

Numberlock I KNOW. We used the same analogy.

makemineachardonnay · 04/09/2012 21:44

I think it sounds like great fun, just the cheesy kind of thing I like but don't have the body for anymore but I'd be massively pissed off if my husband said I 'couldn't' go. It'd make me even more determined to go (and with an even shorter skirt than I was intending Grin )
It IS controlling behaviour. So what if some men did look at you? Let them. Does he not trust you? Just because men might be looking at you, does that mean you're going to have your head turned and go off with one of them?! Um, no.
If I'd have dressed like that on one of my girly nights out (which sadly don't happen anymore Sad it would have been for ME. Nobody else.
My DH would have trusted me. Does your DP trust you, OP? You need to ask yourself why he won't 'let you.'
Is it because he thinks you can't be trusted, or other men will look at you? If it's the former, that's not much of a relationship tbh. If it's the latter, where would you draw the line - just walk round in a bin bag with a paper bag over your head instead, would that appease him?

JellyMould · 04/09/2012 21:45

I think if I were your DH I would be upset that you wanted to go out dressed as a sexy policewoman, since dressing in that way is generally calculated to gain male attention. It think it is disrespectful of your relationship to go out like that, tbh, much as I respect your right to do it if you want to.

hatesponge · 04/09/2012 21:49

It is controlling imo, and projection on his part as well - I think it's pretty clear from his attitude how he and his friends would behave around women dressed as the OP describes, hence his concern.

I don't do fancy dress tbh, but I am the chavvy, tarty friend (I know in the past my friends DHs/DPs have expressly said they don't want them going out with me because I attract men Hmm so I find the attitude of the OP's DH more than a little irritating! I wear and have always worn what I like and want to wear, and whilst men may well make assumptions about me based on how I dress, that's their issue not mine. And whilst I may, like the OP and her friend, get a lot of looks/attention when I go out, I very rarely act on it even now I am single, I am generally far too busy having a good time with my friends :)

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/09/2012 21:55

You say yourself that she is flirty and likes to get male attention when she's out. Which she definitely will in an outfit like that. Sexy police woman? Hmm. Sounds like a stripper at a stag do. If she is so desperate for attention could she not have chosen a less sexually provocative outfit? Sad that she is so insecure that she feels the need to do this.

I wo

MySpanielHell · 04/09/2012 21:58

I would assume all the dressing up was a bit of camp fun on a night out. Your DH is making the whole thing into something it is not, which is really his problem and to do with something going on in his head.

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