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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is DH being controlling? he doesn't want me to wear fancy dress on a mates birthday night out

210 replies

WoodlandHills · 04/09/2012 19:25

He doesn't much like my friend anyway, as he deems her to be "chavvy" and "tarty" Hmm
He also implies she is a bad influence on me (again, ffs, I'm a grown woman) as she is in quite a bad relationship (in fact she is one of the friends I was talking about in my last thread re men who don't do childcare, if anyone read it) so she is flirty when she is out and likes to get mens attention. Which, while that is not my thing, I think is totally up to her, its not my place to judge. Although fwiw I have said to her if she wants flirt with other men she would be better off ending her present relationship. I wish I hadn't told DH stuff about her as this just gives him more ammo to dislike her :(

Anyway she turns 30 soon and is organising a night out just her female mates. She wants us all to wear fancy dress and go clubbing. Which tbh I thought will be good, cheesy fun. Me and her are going as sexy policewomen (sorry sorry Blush ) and we both bought our outfits at the weekend online.

I mentioned this to DH today and he really got the MASSIVE arse, saying it was "disrespectful" to our OHs to go out "dressed like slappers" and saying men will be perving over us, etc, etc, anyway the upshot is he REALLY doesn't want me to wear the outfit.

This is being controlling, right? Or not? What would other peoples OHs think if they were in that situation? What should I do? She is quite a new-ish friend and I really like her and I really want to go on this night out :(

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/09/2012 22:06

You say yourself that she is flirty and likes to get male attention when she's out. Which she definitely will in an outfit like that. Sexy police woman? Hmm. Sounds like a stripper at a stag do. If she is so desperate for attention could she not have chosen a less sexually provocative outfit? Its just such a cliche of every man's favourite fantasy Sad that she is so insecure that she feels the need to do this. I bet she certainly wouldn't want to dress up in an outfit that made her look a bit silly like, I dont know, where's Wally? Or someone. You would still get attention but it would be in not such an overtly sexual way.

Am shocked at a lot of the posters on here who no doubt would see themselves as feminist in their thinking that the OP should disregard her other half's opinion and wear the outfit anyway, knowing full well that it will attract much more male attention than a normal short skirt and heels going out outfit or a clowns outfit. Really shocked. And saddened that you want to do it, OP, almost as if you are looking forward to the attention it will get you.

LittleWhiteWolf · 04/09/2012 22:12

Sounds tacky to me, but it is entirely your choice what you wear OP. your DH has commented on it, given his opinion, but no he is not being controlling IMO. If he tried to ban you from wearing it or muscle in on the night out or happen to turn up at the club or pub or wherever you go (as my SILs ex used to do) that would be controlling. As it is he has just given an opinion (albeit in a childish way if he 'got the arse).

Personally, as I say, I find the idea of the outfit tacky so I would not go out like that. However it is your choice what you wear and so I say have a great time with your friend Smile

CoolaSchmoola · 04/09/2012 22:16

YANBU - my DH wouldn't care as long as I wasn't "flashing my clout" (love that saying lol) because he knows I wouldn't ever do anything. And that's what it comes down to really. Lack of trust.

My DH doesn't care what my friends do - because he knows ME, and that's what counts.

He'd probably laugh at me - then drop me off!

MySpanielHell · 04/09/2012 22:17

Where's Wally is a popular hen night 'sexy' theme. I have seen gangs of Where's Wally out in my nearest city.

Second picture down:

www.squidoo.com/wheres-wally

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/09/2012 22:18

And by the way I can think of nothing more irritating when on a girlie night out where I just want to have a laugh drinking, dancing and chatting with my mates than one member of the group desperately trying to get other men's attention. Do you not all just want to have a laugh together? Does your friend need the male attention to have a good time? Do you all bore her that much that she is off looking for men to flirt with? Don't get it. At all.

WorraLiberty · 04/09/2012 22:19

OP, if your husband were to go out with his mates dressed as a "sexy fireman", you can pretty much guarantee that there would be plenty of groups of drunk women giving him lots of attention. That doesnt mean he would reciprocate, but would YOU be happy in the knowledge that he was out being propositioned by other women?

Squeaky can you imagine the flood of posts saying he should 'grow up because he's a Husband and a Father now'? etc etc... Grin

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/09/2012 22:21

Same here inky city too, mySpaniel. I think we differ in what we consider sexy though! Grin

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/09/2012 22:21

In my city.

Backtobedlam · 04/09/2012 22:23

I don't think it's especially controlling behaviour-I can honestly say my husband, and previous boyfriends would have all react in a similar way. He's not saying you CAN'T wear it, just that he doesn't want you to. If it were me I wouldn't like to go out knowing my dh was at home worrying and wondering what I was doing. You could still do fancy dress but could you do something comical instead of sexy?

WorraLiberty · 04/09/2012 22:26

I was wondering where the fuck 'inky city' was? Grin

MySpanielHell · 04/09/2012 22:27

I think there is probably a 'sexy' and non 'sexy' version. It is actually probably quite a good choice if you are in a big group with various ages/attitudes and people want to be more or less covered up.

I saw a group of non 'sexy' ones when I was in a train station with DD and she thought it was really exciting because you could spot the Wallys walking around in various parts of the crowd.

Sorry, am hijacking the thread, but I do like the Wallys!

NCForNow · 04/09/2012 22:30

Has OP been back yet? Hmm

FoxyRoxy · 05/09/2012 00:04

Wow. For my hen I wore a sailor outfit that consisted of a pair of shorts the size of my knickers and a jacket that barely covered my bra. It was fancy dress, not what I usually wear on a night out by any means and my husband had no issue with it. He trusts me and knows what I'm wearing has no bearing on my behaviour.

McHappyPants2012 · 05/09/2012 00:14

i know my husband wouldn't like it, as i end up freezing cold and it takes him forever to warm me up when i get home ( he doesn't go to bed till i am home) but he is a born worrier.

Badgerina · 05/09/2012 00:24

He sounds very insecure. What a shame.

YANBU. He is being controlling in my opinion.

TheQueenOfDiamonds · 05/09/2012 04:20

Shocked at some of the comments here.

I think he is being unreasonable. There's nothing wrong with fancy dress. Dressing up does not automatically mean men will be leering and pawing at you, and it certainly does not make you more likely to act differently.

I love fancy dress. I have never had anything untoward happen because of dressing up. I have had men hit on me, but only in the same manner as when I am dressed normally, and I have responded in the same way fancy dress or not!

The only time I have had a man on a night out force himself upon me, I was wearing normal clothes.

Thumbwitch · 05/09/2012 04:38

"My default Fancy Dress is Magenta from the Rocky Horror Show.
I haven't yet accidentally on purpose fallen under some random perve. Nor will I."

This made me Grin

OP - I think that your DH is being overly controlling, and I think he doesn't entirely trust you when out with this friend, probably because he doesn't trust her at all and thinks she's more likely to encourage you in badness than look out for you.
But, while I totally respect your choice to go out in fancy dress, I tend to agree that "sexy policewoman" is a bit provocative. Blush

I also love fancy dress but incline more to Lemarchand's variety - Magenta and so on might dress in short skirts and fishnets but they're not as, um, "stripper-like" as the sexy policewoman tends to be.

I've been badly groped (serious bruising on my breast) when dressed in normal clothes - I wouldn't want to attract any more attention from drunk blokes, tbh - but that's my own issue/experience.

I think you need to have a proper chat with your DH about this before you completely disregard his feelings - while I wouldn't automatically bow down to DH's wishes, I'd want to know what was causing his concerns that he felt strongly enough to try and stop me wearing something, and take them into consideration before making my final decision on whether or not to go ahead.

iscream · 05/09/2012 04:42

My dh said to tell you "Don't forget the handcuffs".

nooka · 05/09/2012 05:21

I think that going out on the pull in strippertastic costumes is at the very least deeply naff. I would be very unhappy if my dh said he was going out clubbing with someone I really disliked and distrusted dressed up in semi bondage type gear. And I would tell him so in no uncertain terms!

I would hate to think of him being ogled or perved over, and he is a 6'5" guy who could I am sure easily deflect unwanted attention. I'd also be concerned about why on earth he wanted to go out like that, and yes I would be concerned that his friend might encourage him to do stupid things, and that by wanting to go out like that he actually perhaps wanted to do stupid things himself. Because it does happen (probably more often with men who might well end up at strip joints etc).

What does the outfit look like Woodlandhills? The set of images that google pulls up all seemed to be variations on this: www.plymouthfancydress.com/products/ladies-costumes-cops-and-robbers/%28smi%2919006xxxxl-adult-fever-sexy-policewoman-fancy-dress-costume-.html

Weirdly when I put in 'sexy policeman fancy dress' exactly the same set of images came up. Only one male outfit which was fully dressed with zero 'sexiness'.

Original poster
WoodlandHills · 05/09/2012 08:09

Thanks for all the replies :)

Its good to see a balanced view, without wanting to dripfeed (I should have said in my OP) DH is not usually controlling in any way which is why I am surprised at his reaction to this. I can see both POV to be honest. And the last thing I want is him sat at home worrying about me, I doubt he thinks I would cheat, I think its just he doesn't like the thought of random men perving at me. I wouldn't have personally chosen to dress up on a night out, tbh I would rather just wear normal clothes but equally am happy to dress up if thats what my friend wants.

Anyway, The outfit is this one Blush

But minus the hat. And I am much shorter than the model so the skirt is more decent than on the pic Blush

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 05/09/2012 08:12

I think you DH is being completely normal - you are committed to him and yet you want to go out without him in a sexy outfit that will draw other men's attention (and probably rather horrible men at that)? His feelings sound quite legitimate and healthy to me.

Nanny0gg · 05/09/2012 08:22

Your friend wants the attention and has chosen the outfit for that purpose. With two of you dressed the same, it will attract more attention, so you will recieve it by default if not intention. The fact that you don't want to act on the attention is almost by-the-by as you'll at the very least have to spend the night fending it off.

Do you really think your husband is controlling? Or do you think he has a reasonable POV, especially as you've told him quite a bit about that friend?

porcamiseria · 05/09/2012 08:36

I dont think he is being controlling, he does have a right to not like idea!!!

lets reverse the situation

a man has a friend that wife knows to be a bit of a partier and flirt
man is having a 30th, and wants them to dress up as (god cant think of anythinhg)- chippendales

wife is insecure, does not like idea of man being out

people would say "dont be jealous, BUT he should respect your wishes"

and sexy policewoman???? WTF!!! I would have through you are a bit old and married for this shite!!!

porcamiseria · 05/09/2012 08:36

OP

that outfit!!!!!

its minging, come on!!!!!

Thumbwitch · 05/09/2012 08:44

Ha. I've just asked my DH what he would do if I wanted to do what you're suggesting and his response was a bit Hmm - "whatever, probably wouldn't bother me". I'm not sure whether to be grateful or offended that he's not bothered, he probably thinks I couldn't pull anyway (well, being 34w pg might have something to do with that Grin)

Apart from the last bit, I'm actually a bit surprised, I would have expected him to be a lot more Hmm about it than he is - but he does trust me completely and I don't have a friend he doesn't like, unlike your DH.