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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is DH being controlling? he doesn't want me to wear fancy dress on a mates birthday night out

210 replies

WoodlandHills · 04/09/2012 19:25

He doesn't much like my friend anyway, as he deems her to be "chavvy" and "tarty" Hmm
He also implies she is a bad influence on me (again, ffs, I'm a grown woman) as she is in quite a bad relationship (in fact she is one of the friends I was talking about in my last thread re men who don't do childcare, if anyone read it) so she is flirty when she is out and likes to get mens attention. Which, while that is not my thing, I think is totally up to her, its not my place to judge. Although fwiw I have said to her if she wants flirt with other men she would be better off ending her present relationship. I wish I hadn't told DH stuff about her as this just gives him more ammo to dislike her :(

Anyway she turns 30 soon and is organising a night out just her female mates. She wants us all to wear fancy dress and go clubbing. Which tbh I thought will be good, cheesy fun. Me and her are going as sexy policewomen (sorry sorry Blush ) and we both bought our outfits at the weekend online.

I mentioned this to DH today and he really got the MASSIVE arse, saying it was "disrespectful" to our OHs to go out "dressed like slappers" and saying men will be perving over us, etc, etc, anyway the upshot is he REALLY doesn't want me to wear the outfit.

This is being controlling, right? Or not? What would other peoples OHs think if they were in that situation? What should I do? She is quite a new-ish friend and I really like her and I really want to go on this night out :(

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 05/09/2012 10:44

this is a feministically confusing thread

controlling bastard (most likely EA) man

VERSUS

sexual objectification of women (thank god however its policewoman not nurse!!!)

toss up!

Peacocklady · 05/09/2012 10:45

Sexy insect costume??!!

Birdsgottafly · 05/09/2012 10:46

Strippers often dress like sexy policewomen

Unless invited to, a punter (in as having paid for the service) cannot touch a stipper, so still don't get the analogy.

X post with pink

SirBoobAlot · 05/09/2012 10:47

I'd tell DP to sod off if he said that to me. He's got no right to tell you what you can and can't wear, and especially not to call you a slapper.

Birdsgottafly · 05/09/2012 10:49

Sexy insect costume

Lady birds, bumble bees etc, similar costumes that were linked to earlier.

We have done the super hero costumes as well. The theme was nautical for this years Gay Pride, so we obliged and had the best night out this year.

Peacocklady · 05/09/2012 10:53

It's not an analogy, you can hire strippers dressed as sexy policewomen.
Hence if you are dressed as a sexy policewoman, you are also dressed as a stripper.

Peacocklady · 05/09/2012 10:56

I thought that was a typo!
Sexy insect or sexy policewoman... I'm sure loads of men fantasise about being reprimanded by and then seducing a particularly sexy bumble bee!

Birdsgottafly · 05/09/2012 10:59

You can hire strippers that look very similar to how some teenage girls have gone back to school, wearing.

There is a 'sexy office worker' stipper and roly polys, as well as wearning what most women wear in my city to go out in, so what's the problem with clothing?

The street workers that i pass on a night out wear more than me and my friends do, in reality (not how they are portrayed on television).

It still shouldn't be taken for granted that we are up for sex, by men or women(as i said i mainly go to gay clubs).

Birdsgottafly · 05/09/2012 11:03

I'm sure loads of men fantasise

That takes us back to whether we change our behaviour/how we look, based on men not being able to behave.

None of my gay male friends worry about the same thing, even those that aren't very strong.

Neither do any of us when we are only go to the gay clubs, even though we could be easily over powered by some of the women there, strange that hetrosexual men are the only one's that cannot control themselves.

diddl · 05/09/2012 11:07

"saying it was "disrespectful" to our OHs to go out "dressed like slappers" and saying men will be perving over us, etc, etc, anyway the upshot is he REALLY doesn't want me to wear the outfit. "

So that´s his opinion-you don´t have to go along with it.

If these outfits are being worn purely to attract male attention, is that disrespectful to a husband?

Or is it only disrespectful if the attention is acted on?

Peacocklady · 05/09/2012 11:14

My point is strippers dress like sexy policewomen and sexy policewomen are a common hetero male fantasy (as opposed to sexy insects).
If you dress up as a sexy policewoman you dress up as a common (not universal) male sex fantasy. Ditto sexy school girl, sexy office worker (do you really work with people who wear suspenders showing under their short skirts?) etc.

Yes women can wear that if they want and husbands can not like it if they want too.

Whether you get attention as an sexy insect or superhero in gay clubs is neither here nor there.

LauraShigihara · 05/09/2012 11:15

Now, you see, I have confused and baffled look on my face (a bit like Joey from Friends, trying to do hard sums)

I really, really, really think you should wear whatever the hell you like, wherever you like, whenever you like.

But I really, really, really think you shoudn't want to wear that outfit. Have you no pride??? You can see your bosoms and everything. And that skirt Shock Grin

noddyholder · 05/09/2012 11:17

He has issues you should be able to do what you like

NCForNow · 05/09/2012 11:22

Did the OP ever come back or is this just a one sided discussion?

Hullygully · 05/09/2012 11:25

I can't get past the fact you would WILLINGLY dress as a sexy police woman, let alone the dh stuff.

noddyholder · 05/09/2012 11:35

Yes I thought that hully. My dsis bf is a policewoman and absolutely hates this

MySpanielHell · 05/09/2012 11:43

I agree with BGF about the gay clubs. And there are plenty of straight locations where you can go out in such an outfit and most people understand it is just a bit of camp and is not meant to be genuinely sexy. I also think that most men in such locations don't find that kind of outfit sexy and understand it is camp. You could walk around Blackpool nightclubs at night, or a nightclub in various small Northern towns and pretty much everybody would understand it was camp, not a sexual come on.

My SIL and my cousin's wife have been out in all manner of Moulin Rouge type of stuff, and my brother and cousin are not in the least bit concerned. In fact my male cousin has been out dressed in a tutu and painted green as Old Gregg. He has also been out as 'sexy' version of Obi Wan. And none of them dress up in their private lives because it isn't actually sexy.

noddyholder · 05/09/2012 11:45

That has spectacularly missed the point. It is an insult to women who are in a serious career and an insult in general tbh

MySpanielHell · 05/09/2012 11:50

Noddy, I agree with you on the issue of dressing up as nurses, policewomen etc is not really fair on nurses and policewomen. I've certainly heard nurses say that they do not like it and it causes them problems.

I simply don't agree that wearing such an outfit indicates the OP is trying to meet men or that lots of men are going to think she is, depending on the location, which is what her DH's issue is.

If he was saying that he was a policeman or his sister was etc, and that the theme of the outfit made him uncomfortable, I could see his point.

noddyholder · 05/09/2012 12:03

No I already said I didn;t think he should be telling her what to do but the outfit is another ball game

MidnightinMoscow · 05/09/2012 12:08

Well, as a female nurse, I find it very insulting that other women choose to dress up as a 'sexy nurse'. It totally supports a stereotype that all nurses are utterly gagging for it. Moreover, I had worked really hard for almost 20 years to wear the uniform I wear, and it is beyond irritating that it's image can be used as an attention seeking tool on a pissed up night out.

Vicky2011 · 05/09/2012 12:09

Tbh I think your friend is being the controlling one here.

Ok I jest slightly, of course your DH shouldn't get the hump with what you are wearing, but it is possible to feel uneasy about a friend's influence on your partner and I think that's what's going on here.

Unless you would have chosen to wear that outfit independently of your friend, you are not acting in character and he basically thinks she is a bad influence on you. Reading your two posts carefully, I can see his point.

anonacfr · 05/09/2012 12:47

I always thought the stereotype wasn't that nurses were gagging for it but that men have hidden fantasies or reverting back to childhood with women either looking after them (nurses) or disciplining them (policewomen).

MidnightinMoscow · 05/09/2012 12:54

I have met plenty of men that have made reference to what underwear I must be wearing under my dress etc.

There is an element that nurses 'mother' and 'nurture', but there is a commonplace idea that nurses are up for it and sex mad. Often made worse by women like the OP wearing sexualised versions of professional uniforms.

ThePigOnTheWall · 05/09/2012 12:57

I defend your right to wear whatever the hell you like but FGS OP have a bit of pride. That outfit is wrong wrong WRONG on so many levels!