To give up a well paid job to be a SAHM?

[Blackonesugarplease]

Name-changed for this.

DH thinks that I would be unreasonable to give up my job to be a SAHM to our young children.

In short, following a bereavement I have subconsciously re-evaluated my priorities. I am desperate to stay at home with my 3 young children as I can't bear to put them in childcare any more - getting them up at 6 and not seeing them for 11 hours a day, juggling the holidays etc. I know they're fine, but they're not with me, and I know I will never be able to get this time back.

If leave I'm unlikely to be able to return to the same career, let alone the same role, but I'm absolutely fine with that. I don't want to reduce my hours, I simply want to quit so I can focus 100% on the family as my job does interfere with my time at home.

I have a secure, relatively well-paid job and DH has a decent income too. If I leave my job we will have very little disposable income - c£450 a month for absolutely everything after mortgage, food, bills and loans - which is a big drop from our current income but I think it's just about do-able.

DH has been clear that he thinks I will regret the decision when we can't afford holidays, family lunches out etc - this is a big thing for me as I was raised in poverty so the idea of voluntarily giving up money is very difficult but right now I honestly think that I can worry about that later, and perhaps try to find some part-time or self-employed work in the longer term if necessary.

Is there a middle ground- could you go part time in your current role, or is it the sort of thing you could do freelance? Could you take some unpaid leave to help you get over the bereavement and take some time to think things through?

But YANBU, if it is what you want to do and you can afford it then go for it!

I did this because of my ds2s special needs.

I continue, 15 years later, to believe that I made the right choice for us. But I had the advantage that dh totally agreed. Plus I had made substantial contributions to the family finances so the arrangement did not burden him more than was equitable.

If your dh disagrees I think you need to discuss it more. It could create unbearable tension in your relationship.

I personally think yabu and I would not give up my job to be a sahm but that's just a reflection of my personal needs, wants, insecurities etc. everyone else's yabu and Yanbu will be the same. Only you can decide. Is it possible you could go part time first and see how you feel then. Also, are you still grieving? Could you end up regretting this decision once you have stopped grieving?

Does your husband agree to being the sole earner if you stop working?

Is his concern only that you will regret it?

Or does he have misgivings of his own about the increased responsibility you have planned for him?

"Only you can decide."

And that's a plural you, right?

Because nobody in a marriage should be making unilateral decisions to stop working.

I think you are in danger of making a very far-reaching decision that will negatively affect your whole family on the basis of the emotion caused by a recent bereavement. Facing up to mortality always leads to 'life's too short' feelings.

I would give yourself some time to look at the consequences more rationally, allow your emotions to settle and work out exactly what it is that you would like to change and why. The solution may not be giving up work entirely. Could be an adjustment to your working hours, a shorter commute or a more equal division of labour in the family in general.

Why not got part time? I think being a sahp is great if you both agree, not if you dont

I did it when mine were little and didn't regret it for a second. They are in school now and I work part time. We don't have loads of money but we manage fine. You are right in saying you will never get that time back. I know I would have regretted it if I hadn't done it. Saying that being a sahm isn't for everyone. Only you can decide. Good luck.

I have recently given up a good - not that well paid but interesting and challenging - job to be a SAHM. There are a few things to think about:

1. Can you hack a bit of drudgery?
2. Would you be ok if you went a couple of days without an adult conversation (or at least an uninterrupted one)?
3. My H agreed with my staying at home (and there were other reasons to stop working anyway), but I find it unexpectedly hard to be completely dependent financially. I find myself asking permission to buy things, or justifying it when I have bought things and that has not much to do with DH and everything to do with me. I've worked since I left home to go to Uni so having no income is v v strange. Could you manage being dependent on your husband for money?
4. Will you be able to handle the feelings of envy when your H has to stay at work late, or decides at the last minute he needs to stay late, or has a work social function, or does something really interesting at work?
5. Does your work make up a lot of your identity? Do you have other things that could take its place?

If you can answer all these questions and are happy with the answers, then do it. I don't think you're being unreasonable, but if your H is not on board I do think it will be v hard.

Give it a bit of time before deciding, you could make a big push to pay off some of your loans so that you get used to living on a reduced income and see how you cope with that.
I also think a,period of unpaid leave is a good idea.

I had the same thought as Cogito. Are you sure this is not just a knee-jerk reaction to the bereavement that you will regret in a few months?

BTW, do factor into your considerations two things other than the immediate financial impact: one is pension rights - what affect will this have on your long term financial future (yes, it seems a long way off but....) and the other is what happens if your marriage were to break up - you would be financially dependant on someone who is no longer your parner. Also, how do you feel about losing your financial independence now?

I gave up a well paying job to be at home with DS and don't regret it at all. I do freelance work now, is that an option for you?

TBH though, I don't think you can do it unless you and your DH can come to an agreement. It's a lot of pressure for one person to be the single earner and it's his lifestyle that will change too. Does he not want you to do it because he's worried about how you'll feel later or because he doesn't want to be the sole earner?

What cognito said.

Is there a middle ground you can find?

Agree you don't get this time back but you do need to consider that giving up your job for a number of years makes it very difficult to get back into work again. Could you go part time?

Or would it work if you both took part time roles? This is how DP and I have done it for the past 7 years. Works well for us!

It may be the right thing to do but making a decision when you are recently bereaved is not the best time. First you need to recover from the bereavement so that you can be sure the decision is for all the right reasons and not just some of them.

In the short term I think you need to negotiate a three month fixed term reduction in hours to three or four days a week and then review this after Christmas.

I gave up work when our DS was one because he was ill (fully recovered and nearly 18 now). We could afford it and I don't regret it. The reality of going back to work after an 8 year break though was starting at the bottom all over again and I still earn less than 1/2 of what I used to earn 16/17 years ago.

This will have an impact on your family overall and I think there might be at aleast a short to medium term compromise so everyone can take owenership of the decision.

Well even going part time needs to be agreed between you.

Oh, and meant to say how sorry I am for your loss.

I think Cogito has it right that maybe you should wait a while before making decisions you can't take back.

How old are your kids?

I was in your situation last year. Without the bereavement, I'm sorry for your loss.

I am almost a year into being a SAHM. I have 3 under 4. Yes, things are tight. I've had to cut back on a lot. I even said to DH last night that maybe I should have stayed at work and he laughed! The kids are happy, I'm happy being here. I love pottering around with them.
DS is starting Montessori soon and I'm looking forward to the dropping and collecting myself and not trying to organise childcare.

The thought of the long hours and work i was doing fills me with dread at the moment. I have made the right decision, without a doubt. You still have moments of panic but you just get better at planning ahead and spreading out the bills.
I'm even looking into retraining so I have options when the kids start school.

My post is all over the place as I'm typing and peeling oranges x3!

There has to be some middle ground- it would simply be wrong to unilaterally decide you will give up work completely. How would you feel if your dh did that?

That middle ground could take a variety of forms, from cutting hour in your current job, to finding something completely new, with shorter hours and less stress.

I also think that you've had a knock which has made you think differently for the moment, but that's not to say you'll feel the same in a years time. It's a lot to give up- its not just the money in your bank account each month, its the pension, the long term investment in your skills... Personally I would be anxious that if in a year or two I felt differently again, that I could have made it very hard for myself to regain my career. You need to be realistic- a minority of women may get back into their career without too much damage done, but I see so many women who really struggle and end up being 'underemployed' in mundane jobs.

Your children are clearly settled and happy (nothing wrong with being up at 6am btw, our routine is pretty much like that) so I would really think carefully about what it is you're changing things for.

To me the money thing wouldn't be the primary issue- I think people can cut back quite drastically and do without holidays etc if determined, but the long term implications would bother me

Anyway- the key thing is to talk this through with your dh and come to an agreement because otherwise you'll have a lot of conflict in your relationship

DH and I have talked extensively about this as over the years I've gone through periods of hating my work, and hating leaving the DCs. We've just finished the holidays, and I've really struggled with juggling work, holiday club etc. to cover the holidays (and DH took lots of leave as well to cover) so right now I'd happily be a SAHM. However, I know that DH wouldn't be happy to have the responsibility of being the sole wage earner as my job is much more secure than his.

I think if your DH doesn't fully support the decision then you could find yourself in a very difficult position.

God I couldn't be doing without holidays lol shallow

What cognition said.

Cognito

I think you have to reach some kind of agreement with your DH.

I'm a SAHM, and for us it has been the right decision. DH earns well and has been pretty single-minded about increasing his income ever since I stopped working, to the point that he now earns over double what our joint salary used to be.

We had some savings to fall back on when I quit, and have added to that. Otherwise it would have been a lot of pressure on DH. He has been made redundant twice in the 5 years since I stopped working, and that has been a stressful time - I think it would have been even harder if he had had misgivings about me stopping work in the first place.

I dunno, look at the Going Back to Work threads & all of us SAHMs with high education & previous professional threads now struggling to find any sort of work. I was too optimistic about getting back into some kind of work.