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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give up a well paid job to be a SAHM?

400 replies

Blackonesugarplease · 28/08/2012 08:44

Name-changed for this.

DH thinks that I would be unreasonable to give up my job to be a SAHM to our young children.

In short, following a bereavement I have subconsciously re-evaluated my priorities. I am desperate to stay at home with my 3 young children as I can't bear to put them in childcare any more - getting them up at 6 and not seeing them for 11 hours a day, juggling the holidays etc. I know they're fine, but they're not with me, and I know I will never be able to get this time back.

If leave I'm unlikely to be able to return to the same career, let alone the same role, but I'm absolutely fine with that. I don't want to reduce my hours, I simply want to quit so I can focus 100% on the family as my job does interfere with my time at home.

I have a secure, relatively well-paid job and DH has a decent income too. If I leave my job we will have very little disposable income - c£450 a month for absolutely everything after mortgage, food, bills and loans - which is a big drop from our current income but I think it's just about do-able.

DH has been clear that he thinks I will regret the decision when we can't afford holidays, family lunches out etc - this is a big thing for me as I was raised in poverty so the idea of voluntarily giving up money is very difficult but right now I honestly think that I can worry about that later, and perhaps try to find some part-time or self-employed work in the longer term if necessary.

OP posts:

McHappyPants2012 · 28/08/2012 11:51

with SAHM i do think about the fathers who are missing out so much on family life because they are always working or is tired from working 60+ hours.

lowfatiscrap12 · 28/08/2012 11:52

some of the responses on here from working Mums are hideous.
Like this one from bobbledunk:
'As for yourself, you'll have no social life because you won't be able to afford one, you'll have few if any adults to speak to all day and no freedom to do anything, no money for new clothes so if you put on any weight from the loneliness and misery you'll have nothing to wear and not be able to afford anything nice or flattering so you'll probably end up looking like a bag lady, you won't be able to get your hair done so that will look horrible too and you'll have nothing to talk about except your children. If your marriage breaks down you'll have to go back to full time work anyway but you'll get paid a lot less.'

What a load of nonsense!
There are an awful lot of very very bitter, resentful working Mums on here. Faffing about all day when they're at school Scottishmummy? Jealous much? If you are truly honestly happy, you just wont feel the need to insult others. That's the long and short of it.

choceyes · 28/08/2012 11:53

Chubfuddler - that is exactly what I hope to do. Redistribute my working hours, 22hr a week at the moment, to school hours, so I can do drop off and pick ups. If I stopped working to be a SAHM I'd would find it near impossible to find a job that is those hours and pay even nearly what I earn per hour now.

EnglishGirlApproximately · 28/08/2012 11:53

As for yourself, you'll have no social life because you won't be able to afford one, you'll have few if any adults to speak to all day and no freedom to do anything, no money for new clothes so if you put on any weight from the loneliness and misery you'll have nothing to wear and not be able to afford anything nice or flattering so you'll probably end up looking like a bag lady, you won't be able to get your hair done so that will look horrible too and you'll have nothing to talk about except your children

bobbledunk I assume that was a joke? Because it would be odd to think that all SAHM look like bag ladies with bad hair and resentful husbands

scottishmummy · 28/08/2012 11:54

well if housewife won't work the man has to
demanding man be sole earner will compel him to work and put in hours
not in position not to,as sole wage earner to decline

EnglishGirlApproximately · 28/08/2012 11:54

xpost lowfat

lowfatiscrap12 · 28/08/2012 11:55

not sure how the self proclaimed high powered business women get anyone to employ them with the abysmal spelling and punctuation.

scottishmummy · 28/08/2012 11:56

if it's all so precious why do housewives post cant wait for school to go back
how harassed and stressed they feel with kids at home
surely it's all technicolor precious and cheek pinching unmissable

Chubfuddler · 28/08/2012 11:57

My secretary does my typing.

EnglishGirlApproximately · 28/08/2012 11:58

I'm not a SAHM, I'm on maternity leave. I am planning to go back to work, hopefully part time but that doesn't mean I look down on SAHM.

Some people are happier with something other than family to fill their days, some get everything they need from looking after their dcs. Why does one group have to be right and one wrong? As long as parents are happy and involved dcs will be fine.

RedMolly · 28/08/2012 11:58

I don't think yabu to give up a job to be with your dc, but i do think you need to have regard to the impact on your dh. I haven't worked since having ds, but we made that decision before we had him and were in agreement. Even after thinking about it really hard there have been some things we didn't anticipate. For me, i didn't realise how much i'd miss financial independance. While all dh's earnings go into a joint account i don't feel comfortable buying stuff for myself anymore when money is really tight. It is also hard when i want to buy him birthday/christmas presents - he's paying for his own pressies! From his pov he didn't anticipate how much pressure he'd feel under as the sole breadwinner - he worries a lot more now about his job security, how tight things are, whether we will be able to keep paying the mortgage. This may well be what is worrying your dh, together with the reduction in the luxury things in life. He's right to think how this is going to play out long term.

On the plus side, i wouldn't have changed the decision for anything. In our circumstances it was the best thing us. I will treasure the time i've had at home with ds while he's tiny for the rest of my life. It doesn't mean that you will never work again. Even if you can't return to your current job, you may be able to use your skills in a different way, or learn to do something completely different. I plan to go self-employed once ds is at school, and am working on putting that into place. Maybe if you could put together a plan for what you will do next that may help to reassure your dh that you don't intend to be a kept woman for the rest of your life! Incidentally, your new disposable income would be riches untold to us. If you are from a background where you didn't have very much i'm sure you can be creative in finding fulfilling (and cheap) things to do. Chips on the beach can be more fun than a posh restaurant.

scottishmummy · 28/08/2012 12:00

that's the point,op husband not happy for her to be housewife and he have sole financial responsibility. this isn't a sole decision for op,her husband needs to agree

Chubfuddler · 28/08/2012 12:02

I'm from a background where we didn't have much which is why I think being poor is shit. Anyone who says money can't buy happiness has clearly never been properly hard up.

hackmum · 28/08/2012 12:04

I don't really think this is something other people can give advice on - it's up to you and your DH. It would help formulate an opinion if we knew stuff like how old the kids are, what the job is, whether part-time options or a sabbatical are available, whether you could set up your own business doing something similar when the kids are older etc. In other words, if you give up now, would it mean never working again or do you have other options.

My feeling is that if you really want to be at home with your children, and there aren't any burning financial or other reasons (e.g. imminent redundancy of DH, closing all your employment opportunities off for ever) not to do so, then that's what you should do. But that's my instinctive response, not a piece of advice!

lowfatiscrap12 · 28/08/2012 12:06

that's rubbish, scottishmummy. Stay at home Mums are allowed to complain about tough days with the kids just as you are entitled to complain about tough days in the office.
It works both ways!
I'm a bit fed up with the long summer holidays today. I had a whinge this morning when dropping off my middle daughter at her friends house. I knew I would have days like this when I became a sahm. And I had shite days from hell in the office too when I was working.

McHappyPants2012 · 28/08/2012 12:06

Chub i agree. taking the kids to the park cost ( bus fair, drinks, picnic ect it all cost) soft play area, library ( again bus fair) school trips, school photos christmas birthdays.

there are not many free things to do and faced with having no money it is crap.

kittyandthefontanelles · 28/08/2012 12:07

"Some people are happier with something other than family to fill their days, some get everything they need from looking after their dcs. Why does one group have to be right and one wrong? As long as parents are happy and involved dcs will be fine."

Bravo, Englishgirl. Surely that says it all.

scottishmummy · 28/08/2012 12:08

but in this case parents not happy
in fact it's major disagreement

Proudnscary · 28/08/2012 12:10

I wouldn't and didn't do it.

But it's such a subjective thing, it's almost not worth garnering opinion!

Some people love being a SAHP, some don't. Some miss the dosh, some don't.

The only thing I think is worth saying is, you have to think about your own personal relationship and dynamic and what feels right for you.

If you think it would tip the balance negatively - to have your dh earning all the money and him giving you housekeeping - then don't do it.

scottishmummy · 28/08/2012 12:11

lol,so if it's all so precious why is school Hol so irksome
isn't it enough to have your darling ones around and eke out an existence
that's alwAys the mn message

janey68 · 28/08/2012 12:15

Am worrying now in case I make a spelling mistake lol

But seriously, my spelling and typing are pretty good, but my boss has rubbish spelling and would be the first to admit it. Thing is, she's seriously intelligent and creative. She has 2 grown up children Btw and they have turned out fine.

lowfatiscrap12 · 28/08/2012 12:15

are you always happy with a robotic expression on your face at work scottishmummy? Do you ever have a bad day? Do you ever get bored? Do you ever wish you could stay in bed instead of go out to work? Of course you do! (anyone who says otherwise is a liar!)

CanoeSlalom · 28/08/2012 12:19

YANBU

wordfactory · 28/08/2012 12:20

Oh we've had the spelling and grammar jibe have we?

Only a matter of time before a SAHM posts her qualifications.

janey68 · 28/08/2012 12:20

Calm down lowfat! everyone has off days sometimes, when they wish they were on a tropical beach somewhere with no kids! It doesn't mean we're all miserable bastards. Surely life is about balance, and recognising there are good and bad bits

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