To give up a well paid job to be a SAHM?

[Blackonesugarplease]

Name-changed for this.

DH thinks that I would be unreasonable to give up my job to be a SAHM to our young children.

In short, following a bereavement I have subconsciously re-evaluated my priorities. I am desperate to stay at home with my 3 young children as I can't bear to put them in childcare any more - getting them up at 6 and not seeing them for 11 hours a day, juggling the holidays etc. I know they're fine, but they're not with me, and I know I will never be able to get this time back.

If leave I'm unlikely to be able to return to the same career, let alone the same role, but I'm absolutely fine with that. I don't want to reduce my hours, I simply want to quit so I can focus 100% on the family as my job does interfere with my time at home.

I have a secure, relatively well-paid job and DH has a decent income too. If I leave my job we will have very little disposable income - c£450 a month for absolutely everything after mortgage, food, bills and loans - which is a big drop from our current income but I think it's just about do-able.

DH has been clear that he thinks I will regret the decision when we can't afford holidays, family lunches out etc - this is a big thing for me as I was raised in poverty so the idea of voluntarily giving up money is very difficult but right now I honestly think that I can worry about that later, and perhaps try to find some part-time or self-employed work in the longer term if necessary.

no particular reason
just how it comes out
and straight to point

I always think its like a haiku.

sm you'll be glad to know I missed a preciosu moment earlier...and I wasn't even earnimg any fecking money.

I was walking the bloody dog!!!!

thead has derailed just gone usual way
name calling,accusations of meanness etc.some arse licking too
some cod psychology about jealousy and projection

ach word did the wean say money instead of mummy
how previous are we talkin
will you be bereft for ever more

As an aside, I love imagining interviewing people from their posts,and putting together a team.

Scottishmummy would definitely get a job, she's be forthright, dead efficient and a good laugh

Wordfactory would be very logical and thorough.

I would offer Kitty the flexible working she wants cos she seems thoughtful and insightful

Bonsoir bangs on far too much about top universities and her international qualifications for it to be true. I reckon she's got O level domestic science, is slightly overweight and lives in the suburbs someone. Wouldnt give her a job

well done Janey, you get the award for vile post of the week!
Fuck me, that was unpleasant.

Janey wouldnt make it onto my team as she clearly skim reads CVs and makes base assumptions and would therefore be a liability as the rest of the team would spend valuable man hours rectifying her mistakes.

I suspect she's been on the wine at least I really hope that's her excuse for being so patronising and unpleasant

Yes, sorry for leaving you out lowfat- but you disapprove of working anyway!

you're going to have one hell of a hangover tomorrow janey, perhaps get a taxi instead of driving to work tomorrow!

I think it will be the best thing you can ever do. Enjoy your children and let them enjoy you. Money and carear really are not the most important things in life and £450 is enought to still do things. There are plenty of cheap holidays that can be great fun with the family. Expensive does not equal better.

it's not up to op to make sole choice,her dh needs to agree
there's no automatic entitlement to be housewife
both parties need to agree,given one will financial maintain the other

you're just showing off cos someone was kissing your arse earlier

Mwah mwah scottishmummy rules !

I'm a SAHM, DP was happy for me to be as his mum was and they both loved it.

I'm loving it :) its so much fun playing with DS all day and discovering new things with him. I love being there when he learns to do something new, getting pictures and videos along the way. It can be hard, but the good stuff is worth it.

Plus if the SAH parents wages barely cover childcare/transport, then the working parent isn't financially maintaining them, as it works out equal.

I think the most important thing is to look after yourself financially. I know it's depressing but if you got divorced what would you get? Is 50% of your husband's salary and assets enough for a nice standard of living? I would be very unwilling to put my financial state in someone else's hands. There is another thread on here at the moment with a poor OP who is having to cope with the fact her income is a fraction of what it was and she is struggling as well as dealing with the fact that her husband has left her for someone else.

Another thing is that children get more expensive as they get older, and it is shown again and again that the single biggest factor in children's life prospects is how much their parents have. A lot of children need money from parents during and sometimes after uni. If you have a comfortable life on DH income then that's not a problem, but I guess a second healthy income is always a bonus.

Burlington- that's a good point. Luckily I had DS young, so my plan is to train as a nurse once he is going to school. I'll still be under 30. When we get assisted nursery (3 years I think) I'll get some work experience, paid or voluntary once a week or so.

Haven't time to read whole thread but ..... I gave up my senior ish role 3 yrs ago, dropping £2k per month to be a SAHM (in the Midlands, so not including LW) Some days it is the most frustrating, lonely, challenging, constant and at times thankless job in the world. But also the most rewarding, wonderful job that only I can do, and I can only do it now. I made my decision when I was asked..... When you look back in 20 yrs time, will you regret not progressing your career etc etc etc without regretting not spending more time with your dc? I might wonder what could have been career wise but will never regret the time with the children that I can never get back. I have no regrets giving up my career. We live to our means and lead a more frugal lifestyle, but I wouldn't want it any other way. We are lucky to be in the position to have this kid of decision to make xx

I stopped work 7 years ago to be home with the youngest. I was earning about £12,000 a year part time I don't regret it at all, she's a great kid. Now she's in school full time I'd like to go back, but theres no work and the company wants me but I'd have to travel over an hour each way for the jobs they have that I could do. So I don't care, we are doing fine.
Most people don't regret the time and effort put into their children by themselves, but do regret not being there for them.
If I had a choice I'd go part time for while if I was the OP and see how that feels, and quit if you really want even more time

'both parties need to agree,given one will financial maintain the other '

I don't really see it like that as one party is enabling the other to earn the money, ie without them they other person would have to pay out for childcare etc. In some cases it is much easier to share out the work, both are still contributing equally but in different roles. They can then manage 'it all' themselves. Why should they both do (paid) work just to subscribe to rigid narrow views of what is best? Why involve a 3rd party for childcare when they can manage it themselves? Work in the home is valuable too; maybe not to everyone here but it is to many people and historically it was viewed that way too.

It doesn't bother me if people choose to work, use full time nursery etc because I know I am happy with what I have. I tried that and didn't like it. I'm sure some people hate SAH. But for those who continually try to demean the other choice I think they must have a problem, maybe at subconscious levels they are not aware of. Either that or they are just generally unpleasant people.

jellybeans
You can easily turn it around and say my going out to work enables my DH to stay home with the children.

As a number of us have pointed out, the OP deciding to stay home cannot be a unilateral decision because it has an impact on the choices available to the WOHP parent too. For example, if he wanted to cut down his hours because he was finding work too stressful that choice will be taken away if he is the sole financial provider and consequently the finances are too tight. My DH's contribution to the family is equal to mine and vice versa but the fact he is a SAHD does limit my options to reduce my hours or change my job to a less pressured one because I am the sole earner.

I see your point, I agree in some cases it can't be a one sided decision. But in my case my DH really couldn't work without me at home due to his hours and changes at short notice etc. Childcare would not be avaliable in the night etc for 5DC (we both worked nights and shifts and sometimes on call). So there are cases where a SAHP enables the other parent to work certain jobs/hours. His job massively affects my career choices. It is lucky I am happy at home!

jellybeans
Yes, your DH is lucky that you are at home and I am lucky that my DH is, its the right thing for our family. There have been unexpected benefits too,for example, DH's mother tongue is not English and because he has looked after the children using his language they are both quite fluent now.