To give up a well paid job to be a SAHM?

[Blackonesugarplease]

Name-changed for this.

DH thinks that I would be unreasonable to give up my job to be a SAHM to our young children.

In short, following a bereavement I have subconsciously re-evaluated my priorities. I am desperate to stay at home with my 3 young children as I can't bear to put them in childcare any more - getting them up at 6 and not seeing them for 11 hours a day, juggling the holidays etc. I know they're fine, but they're not with me, and I know I will never be able to get this time back.

If leave I'm unlikely to be able to return to the same career, let alone the same role, but I'm absolutely fine with that. I don't want to reduce my hours, I simply want to quit so I can focus 100% on the family as my job does interfere with my time at home.

I have a secure, relatively well-paid job and DH has a decent income too. If I leave my job we will have very little disposable income - c£450 a month for absolutely everything after mortgage, food, bills and loans - which is a big drop from our current income but I think it's just about do-able.

DH has been clear that he thinks I will regret the decision when we can't afford holidays, family lunches out etc - this is a big thing for me as I was raised in poverty so the idea of voluntarily giving up money is very difficult but right now I honestly think that I can worry about that later, and perhaps try to find some part-time or self-employed work in the longer term if necessary.

In response to those who think £450 is a lot of disposable income - We don't live extravagantly at all. But when you have small children being out and about is expensive. Snacks out, meals out (I do try to take these things from home, but unless it is good weather, where can you have picnics most of the year?), transport costs, the occassional treat for a DC, it all adds up. I haven't bought new clothes in a while so it is not like I spend a lot on myself. There is always a random big spend at least once a month for something. Like last month it was the annual holiday, and for next month I've just booked tickets for me and DD to attend a friends wedding in another country for £250(we can't all afford to go), and have still to buy an outfit for it, and then next month after that there will be something else I'm sure. It is hard living on the breadline with no flexibilty in your finances. Life is hard with two little DCs, and the little "treats" makes it much more bearable .

But although not at the expense of the DCs happiness. If I thought I wasn't seeing enough of the DCs (and I do!) or they weren't happy at nursery I'd cut down on my hours and reign in the spending.

Lol at 'SAHM the most important job a woman can do'.
What about dads eh? They are equal parents, or at least they are in a decent relationship. Children deserve a good, balanced relationship with both parents

Btw I'm sure most of us who work don't derive our self esteem from spreadsheets! I derive mine from many things including parenting, friendships, developing my skills, the satisfaction of seeing a job well done.

It's a shame some people are trying to turn this into a diatribe against working mums, because the op has a genuine dilemma here, she has had a body blow and needs to gain some perspective on how to get back to feeling good about things again

I suppose it depends how you define standard of living. Financially or emotionally. I understand what the op is getting at.

We live off that amount of disposable income a month and we both work. It is possible but we are feeling a bit under pressure. However, I think if you could get him to agree then I would still do it. It's like you say time you can't get back. Childcare doesn't get any easier like others have said when they are in school. I'd love to be in a position to do it. Having said that you both have to be on board :-(

I see the most important job in world gas been trotted out
that drips sentimentality and housewife isnt a job
next it will be precious moments

How would you feel if he came home and said he wants to become a sahd and that from now on you are the sole earner?

Yes totally. How come it is considered always the mothers perrogative to stay at home? Unless the DH earns much more than the mum, it makes sense for him to consider staying home at spending more time with the DCs? I always think it is a bit weird when a father spends very long hours working to provide for his family so that his partner can be a SAHP at the expense of not seeing his children during the week. Makes sense for both parents to be part time workers in an ideal world I think, but ofcourse we don't life in an ideal world!

We've had precious moments already sm

have you thought about the change in dynamics,becoming financially dependent upon dh and being a housewife
dh being sole wage earner,when that was previously shared. what if he doesn't want to just get along?what if he likes the benefits of two wages and spontaneity being solvent brings.
you need to consider your dh it isnt all about you.

"How come it is considered always the mothers perrogative to stay at home?"

For us it is because I'm still breastfeeding and we are planning another soon so it makes sense. I'm not denigrating working mums. This is a recent decision, until 2 months ago I was going back to work. It's just something we feel strongly about for our own family.

Someone above said "life's too short"

And childhood is even shorter. If you are missing your children every day and certain circumstances have made you reevaluate your priorities then it sounds like you have already made your mind up.

Be less well off but happy with the path your life has taken,

or

Have a greater disposable income and a nagging feeling that something isnt quite right.

Btw it's perfectly possible to continue bf while working - I did with both mine, they never had formula, just bm direct from me or a cup!

( I know you said you have other reasons in your family for wanting to not work kitty- but just wanted to clarify that working isn't incompatible with bf)

working doesn't equate to child abandonment,it's responsible and sets good role model
and contributes to family
what will she do when kids at school?what then.will she faff about at home all day when kids at school

"We've had precious moments already sm"

Why do people feel the need to trash this ideal? They ARE precious. No two ways about it. As are first day at school, goals scored, teeth lost, exams taken, first girlfriend/boyfriend.....etc. Why is it wrong to say so? why try to make people feel inferior for wanting to stay at home with their children?

bf doesn't mean a baby on your tit all day and no other activity can be undertaken
it's possible to work and bf
it's ridiculous to assert can't work due to bf

i think you would be nuts.

i would hate to be finacally dependant on DH, the DC going without treats and days out because i wanted to stay at home.

after a few weeks the free things to do will get boring or not practical ( like the park in winter)

I know janey and it's what I was planning till a couple of months ago. An important point to make, I agree. Thank you.

kitty - yes that does make sense. I'm still breastfeeding my 2yr old too, although we are not planning on anymore. I guess I was thinking of looking after them when they are a bit older and not so dependant on the breast, like say from about 12 months, when indeed that is when I went back to work. Although having said that I wouldn't like to be the one working full time and my DH spending his time as a SAHP as I'd miss the kids terribly. I guess I wonder why there can't be a compromise like both parents working part time. For one parents to be at home with the kids and see them all the time and the other parents to be out of the house for 12 hours and hardly see the kids at all during the working week seems a bit unfair and unbalanced to me. I'm lucky in that my DH is a teacher and his home by 6pm to do dinner/bath/bed time and to spend school holidays with them too.

precious moments can be missed regarless if you are a working mum or a SAHM.

i was out with friends when DS tooth came out, making lunch when dd rolled over for the first time.

parent I mean both times....

as a parent who loves dc its all significant it's what you make of it
and neither us nor dc are disadvantaged by working in fact it's beneficial
I get approbation from working and having dc.I'm not prepared to give that up

I agree, choceyes. But like I said upthread I was refused flexible working (I'm a teacher too!) I'm planning to return to work when I've finished having children and breastfeeding them all! Actually, probably when the youngest starts school. Providing we are able to have more that is.

I don't want to make people feel inferior. There is nothing wrong with being a sahp. If that's what both parents want. If you can afford it. But moments are just that - moments. They are fleeting. Someone said childhood is short - actually it's quite long. I think there is a tendency to assume the pre school years are the most important and that it will be fine to work when the children are school age. I actually find my son needs me more (me, rather than just someone to care for him) now he is at school. And because I kept working I have been able to renegotiate my hours to school hours.

I think some of us just see all childhood as precious, rather than specific 'firsts'. And besides, it's perfectly possible to miss the firsts even when you're home. I think I saw dds first step as it was on my day off and we were playing in the sitting room.. But dammit id been in the kitchen 5 minutes earlier so who knows, maybe she took her first step then !

Choceyes- you make a very good point about one parent being at home all the time at the expense of the other parent. When I see mums who are home 24/7 only because the dad is working all hours god made in a high stress job to fund her doing that, it does make me wonder where the children feature in all that. They have a right to some balance with both parents

When I'm on my days off with the kids (i work 3 days a week), there is a lot of chores and druggery. It is hard, being at home with them. I'm always doing something, hardly any time to sit down, so I'm not always observing their "special moments". I don't particularly like the baby and toddler stages anyway, so I can't wait for my 2yr old to grow up a bit more so I can have a proper conversations with her like I do with my DS! For me the under 3's can't grow quick enough! They are much more interesting when they are older and I think they need you just as much if not more when they are of school age. Just as they get interesting and less dependant on you they are off to school

Scottishmummy- -No-one is suggesting you should. I'm talking purely about my experience and what's right for our family. I have no opinion on what anyone else does.