To give up a well paid job to be a SAHM?

[Blackonesugarplease]

Name-changed for this.

DH thinks that I would be unreasonable to give up my job to be a SAHM to our young children.

In short, following a bereavement I have subconsciously re-evaluated my priorities. I am desperate to stay at home with my 3 young children as I can't bear to put them in childcare any more - getting them up at 6 and not seeing them for 11 hours a day, juggling the holidays etc. I know they're fine, but they're not with me, and I know I will never be able to get this time back.

If leave I'm unlikely to be able to return to the same career, let alone the same role, but I'm absolutely fine with that. I don't want to reduce my hours, I simply want to quit so I can focus 100% on the family as my job does interfere with my time at home.

I have a secure, relatively well-paid job and DH has a decent income too. If I leave my job we will have very little disposable income - c£450 a month for absolutely everything after mortgage, food, bills and loans - which is a big drop from our current income but I think it's just about do-able.

DH has been clear that he thinks I will regret the decision when we can't afford holidays, family lunches out etc - this is a big thing for me as I was raised in poverty so the idea of voluntarily giving up money is very difficult but right now I honestly think that I can worry about that later, and perhaps try to find some part-time or self-employed work in the longer term if necessary.

I am sorry for your loss.

The 'cut and dried' nature of your post does make me think that you are making a decision based on your emotions - that's completely understandable - but as many people have said, it's leading you to look at this in a way that is very black and white. You have quit. Why? Why couldn't your DP become a SAHD? Why not working part-time for you, or for both of you? Why not downshifting your job so you could work shorter days?

There are lots of options you could look at to give you more time with your DCs. But none of these will work if your DH isn't on board with that - again, you are grieving and perhaps that is leading you to see DH as the 'blocker' to the things you want as opposed to the guy who is genuinely worried about you making a decision you'll regret.

Yes, life is short. But it feels long when you're struggling financially.

You need to compromise, and the fact you are so 'no, this is how it will be' leads me to think you need to take more time to think through this, and to work through the options with your DH.

Give it time.

Once again I am sorry for your bereavement ,but would agree that this is not the best time to be making long term decisions of such magnitude.

I have 3 children ,the youngest is now 10 and the oldest 18 ,the middle one also has some extra needs .I have seriously had times like you when I thought I could not do it and in fact I have been lucky and found a middle ground .I still work but part time in the Charity sector ,my hours and employers are more flexible but the work is still challenging and i am keeping my skills up to date.

What i would say you need to remember is that children get more expensive not less ,it sounds as if this move would affect your earning power for ever not just for a short time .How are you going to feel when your teenager wants to take up a hobby that you cannot afford or when your preteen wants to go on a trip,or do ballet etc or when you can't afford the french exchange.Take it from me that university is not cheap and by the sound of it you will have little help from the state .You also need to think about your life after children,most of my friends who gave up work completely are struggling now that their children are developing their own lives,there is the odd exception but you do need to think about this .

This is a long term decision and in the bad times this is how I have reconciled myself to it,I would however seriously recommend trying to find a middle way as it sounds like your current role is very full on

I think giving up work to be a SAHM to very young children does not equate to giving up work forever! Of course your long term prospects may be altered but this is not a given. I know three people in different industries who returned to work or changed the way they worked- freelancing etc. when their children were all at school. Besides life cannot be all about 'tomorrow' IMHO it should be about getting a balance about being happy in the moment whilst also thinking about the future. I don't think that thoughts about your future life should completely dominate your current existence!

Golf and Tennis club membership perhaps aren't a priority for the OP? You could afford swimming and dancing lessons on 110 spare cash a week.

Sorry for your loss.

I've done similar in the past. Slightly different circumstances but I knew that my contract was coming to an end and after that I would want to start a family so we prepared for that financially. (Though I have given up a job in a past after bereavement -my dad dropped dead at 49 - my job was making me unhappy and I thought that life was too short not to move on, so understand that desperate feeling - in retrospect it was a good decision for me to leave but I wish I had thought more about it and not just jumped onto the next thing without a bigger longterm plan).

Gentleness has a good idea about saving your salary for a while. Perhaps you could hold fire for a few months while you think things over and save at the same time. You could also overhaul all of your finances/ direct debits, look at all your financial products - are you getting the best value for money on all of them? Can you get rid of some things (sky, washing machine insurance etc). Consider your shopping bills, will more time allow you to shop at different places - thus reducing your food bills?

We did all this and really focused on saving money and reducing outgoings - it has worked well and we save more than we've ever saved before and we're in a better financial position than ever - when we were both earning it was easy to think - oh we can afford it and just spend willy nilly without thinking about it.

Moneysavingexpert is a good place to look at, there is a good budget planner on there. Plus you will be able to pick apart all of your finances and work out what is best with the advice on the site.

I don't know what to suggest about getting your husband on side with your plans. Perhaps work out some budgets and present them to him.

Good luck!

Definitely agree that bereavement is not a time to be making rational decisions. Your emotions are on high alert and you won't be thinking long term.

Personally, I think YABU to want to give up a well paid job. Your children will only be little for a few years and then they won't need you as much. If you have given up work and thrown away you career progression prospects, then what?

I don't really understand the becoming a SAHM because 'you won't get the time back' thing that so many people say on here. To me, not getting the time back is the very reason why I would never consider a career break. If my children would be little and need me forever I would put them first. But the won't be, their early childhood is a very small part of both our lives and can't be allowed to impact negatively on the rest of it.

I agree with Cogito too. You sound like you're in danger of making an emotional decision rather than a practical one here. The years go by fast and soon your children will not be young any more, and you may be wishing you could take back your decision.

Sorry to be blunt, but I think with three children and their futures to think of, if you're lucky enough to have a secure, well-paid job, you'd be mad to give it up. With £450/month disposable income, you will not be able to save much/anything.

I know you mention vague plans for the future, but part time jobs are not easy to come by (especially when you're moving into a new field rather than going part-time in your existing role) and making a living through self-employment is not the most dependable option either.

As a thought experiment, how would you have felt if your husband told you he wanted to quit work because he couldn't bear being away from the children?

How are your children getting on with the childcare? Do you think they'd actually be happier at home with you than in nursery/childminder (or whatever)? Or are they thriving where they are?

Manic. It means that if she is in childcare for 10 hrs a day and comes home to sleep then I will miss seeing her development, her milestones, miss enjoying these fleeting baby stages. She wil never be a baby again and I want to be here for it. It's what I want for my mum and I want to give it to my daughter.

I would do iy you only see your children grow once what ever any one say when your children are older they EOMT talk aout the extra things they had they will take about the time or lack of it you spent togtehr

As a sham myself and a former childminder who was often asked to go to childrens plays on parents behalf you actaully can see the children looking out for their parents i do find with my own child he only really started singing proudly when i turned up and its very sad to see after a play or a do at the school all the parents who made it giving their children a pat on the back and the other children just kind of wondering around

But as somone else said i have the full support of my oh he would never have me working like a dog at the expense of our children can you work pt maybe

Yabu. It has to be a joint decision. How would you feel if your DH made the same decision unilaterally?

Manic- I very much agree with you about the 'not getting the time back' thing- though for slightly different reasons.
Personally I think our children need us all through their lives, to adulthood (and beyond probably!) But that need has to be balanced with being part of a family where everyone has a full enriching life. Some people seem to sanctify the pre school years as if a mother should be there all the time, and can then magically step back into some other role once the youngest starts school. I prefer to look on it as all of childhood being special, with children needing you in different ways at different stages, and none of this being incompatible with mum and dad working.

Personally it's not the disposable income each month which would be the deal breaker for me, because it's quite possible to make cut backs, it's all the other things to do with working which you'd be giving up. Having said that, I do think there's a difference between cutting back for a year or so and seriously struggling in the long term. Someone upthread said disposable income sounds flippant but in fact it's what makes life enjoyable and that's so true. No one gets pleasure out of paying the gas bill, but being able to pay petrol or bus fare for a day at the sea side, throwing a dinner party, theatre visits... Those are the pleasant bits of life.

And on another note, remember even if your dh were to up his income if you give up, you'll see a lot less return than with both of you working because of tax. Even if he got a stupendous promotion and earned the equivalent of your salary on top of his own, you wouldn't see nearly as much take home pay as you do now because he'd be taxed to buggery! As I say, I don't think money should be the ultimate deal breaker but it is worth remembering that two earners is a far more efficient way of earning from a tax perspective

The OP hasn't said that's what her husband thinks though. She has said that he is concerned for how she will feel about leaving her career. That is not the same as him resenting her for expecting him to be the sole earner.

Early childhood is a very small part if their life but a hugely significant one developmentally and emotionally!

Both myself and DP came to the conclusion that we didn't want our baby/ toddler in child care. He couldn't cope with the idea any more than me! We feel the same about dc 2.

I'd try to find a middle way - can you look for work part time? take a drop in salary pro-rata but keep your hand in? Can you take a sabbatical?

I gave up my career to be a SAHM for a few years and I'm glad I did. I now only part time in a 'job' rather than a career but am soon to be retraining for a new career (I hope)

Things I found hard about SAHM-dom

*loss of status. No longer a professional and felt kind of 'out' of real life for a while and in financial transactions such as re-mortgage etc i might as well not have been there as no income. it's weird going from independent to dependent.

*cleaning (nuff said)

*it's relentless sometimes, - when you are ill you have to just push on through (but I could say the same thing about full time work)

*Income, we managed just fine for the first few years buit as time ticks on you notice you do not have as much disposable income. It only takes the car to break down or the washing machine to give up and you start to struggle financially. Also you have to get used to not being able to buy nice clothes occasionally, things like that which is shallow, I know, but sometimes these things make life a bit more enjoyable.

But maybe time is what you need when grieving, perhaps you want to focus on your children and that will help you get through it. If it's what you really, really want to do, then do it.

Also i think the real issue comes when children are school age it tends to make mother do things they would not normAlly do

For imstnace taking a sick child to school or ringing round and allowing people who you normally not let look after your child because a snow day has beeen called ect

I see it with my sister sat on a monday morning despratly ringing round every one she knows because for some reason there is no school

Or dopeing nephew with calpol so she dosent need to take a day off work and this is not isolated to my sister i have been a childminder and used to see things like this alot i would get calls to pick a child up from school early were the parent clearly new child was un well dopped them up and hoped for the best adn swiched off phine knowing i was down as emegncy person

Don't make a sudden decision based on a bereavement. Give yourself at least a year to come to terms with your loss before making major life decisions.

As DCs get older they get more expensive and may resent you for stopping them from having all the latest fads/holidays etc.

And please don't forget about your pension. Your DCs will not thank you for been in poverty in old age. You will need every penny to help them get driving lessons/ 1st home deposit etc.

Could you arrange something at work so you can reduce your pay and work term time so you have that extra time with them?

OP, I really don't think you can take a unilateral decison on this. Well you can, but it will not be conducive to a happy marriage and family.

You need to sit down and discuss this at length with your DH. Make a list of pros and cons.

Mrsbojangles - 'working like a dog at the expense of your children' - really?!

more like, 'working full time to ensure your children's secure future' in my book. What do you expect the majority of wome to do, really? Most of us either need two salaries or are on our own so have to work. Having a job can hardly be compared to 'working like a dog', nor does it harm children.

kittyandthefonatelles - fair enough, hourses for courses etc. I guess I'm just not really the visual type. I was always pleased to be told that my children had done well with their walking or talking or whatever that day but I didn't need to see it myself. I do think it's different if you can't easily afford to be a SAHM though. It's a luxury not a necessity.

Giving up your financial independence is a huge deal imo.
If things should go wrong for you and dh in the future my guess would be that it would be better to have a good job.
Also it won't be long until the dc are all at school when things will be very different.
You sound like you want to retire from the outside world not just your job so it does seem to me that the bereavement is still having a huge impact.
I personally think that anyone giving up a well paid career to be a SAHM is playing a high risk game - but then it could be a high gain game too.
Good luck, and I am sorry for your loss.

Aboutlastnight i think thats mire aout ones relatioship in genral

I am a sham i have sole conrol of all our money and i give my dh money out of the income i set the budget ect if your oh makes you feel like you are a dependat then i think thats about ones relationship as a whole

Also in terms of having a lower income the avarege nusrey is aout £900 a month sp you would have to be earning to at least £200 to turn a decent salery out of it amny women work for basically no money as all their income gose on fees so the question is whats the point then

If a women feels less than because she is raising her family WHICH IS THE MOST IMPORTNT JOB A WOMAN can do then thats very sad my worth comes from making sure my children are raised well which i cant do if there with somone else 10/11 hours a day

My worth dose not come from spead sheets and 3pm meetings

The people that deserve my loyaly and attention are my children not some compay which would replace me in a heart beat

I really wouldn't give it up entirely. Suppose your husband loses his job? This has twice happened to us--for long periods, and at least we had some income coming in.

Really manic? No, that's not me at all. How different we are! We really can only just manage. We have about 40 a week left if I'm canny with the shopping. It's important to us so we will manage. I will work again when they are older. We have some savings which will act as a safefy net.

your post emphasises you, singular. not you and dh.it's a joint decision,you and dh need to discuss.you can't solely fulfill your preference without acknowledging impact upon him eg he will be sole earner. it's all v well you want to focus on you & family 100% but that actually significantly changed your dh dynamic and role

have you considrered pt
job share
contract work
work at home

it's a huge ask of yourself to not work again,and your dh to shoulder all financial responsibility - I wouldn't chose to be in that situation

There is one and only one thing I will tegret in my life, and that was to stop working to take care of the family. Becoming 100% financially dependant in another person and ruining my career chances by taking that time off has meant that I am hardly able to provide for DS mow that his father is no longer eith us.

Yes, I did the baling, drawing, trips to the park and toddler groups. He doesn't remember that anymore, but I am sure he eill remember how much we have struggled financially. In terms of pension... Well I have always said that the mere thought of descending into deep poverty oncd that I cannot longer work makes me wish for an early death. Sorry.

Btw 450 disposable income after bills is not much if you are usdd to far more than that. Simply put, thd car needs repairs, the washer needs replacing, you want a humble holiday, etc and you are thrown oit of balance for a few months.

Try to live on youf propossed budget for 3 months, both you and DH would get a better idea if leaving your job is the right decision.

yabu to give up work completely, your husband will be forced to take full financial responsibility for the family resulting in huge stress while the family is plunged into poverty. He'll resent you for that, if not hate you when he's forced to experience what it's like to have no money.

If you want to spend more time with your children, you can work part time or find a less demanding job. Your children won't thank you when they're older and are wearing the same cheap clothes over and over until they are rags because you can't afford anything decent or as much as they need, are deprived of the ability to participate in hobbies because you have no money for them (even free sports require appropriate clothing which you won't be able to provide), require extra tuition but can't get it, want to go on trips with the school but won't be able to go, add to that no days out, nowhere to go, nothing to do. Looking at you all day won't make up for that.

As for yourself, you'll have no social life because you won't be able to afford one, you'll have few if any adults to speak to all day and no freedom to do anything, no money for new clothes so if you put on any weight from the loneliness and misery you'll have nothing to wear and not be able to afford anything nice or flattering so you'll probably end up looking like a bag lady, you won't be able to get your hair done so that will look horrible too and you'll have nothing to talk about except your children. If your marriage breaks down you'll have to go back to full time work anyway but you'll get paid a lot less.

You can survive without holidays, it's everyday life that would be tough for everyone. It's easy to underestimate how expensive life is and how isolating it is not to be able to participate.

And remember, it is not that he is being selfish, it may be perhaps that he doesn't want the whole family to significantly lower their living standard. At tge end of the day, you both havr been working to get that standard for many years already.

How would you feel if he came home and said he wants to become a sahd and that from now on you are the sole earner?