To give up a well paid job to be a SAHM?

[Blackonesugarplease]

Name-changed for this.

DH thinks that I would be unreasonable to give up my job to be a SAHM to our young children.

In short, following a bereavement I have subconsciously re-evaluated my priorities. I am desperate to stay at home with my 3 young children as I can't bear to put them in childcare any more - getting them up at 6 and not seeing them for 11 hours a day, juggling the holidays etc. I know they're fine, but they're not with me, and I know I will never be able to get this time back.

If leave I'm unlikely to be able to return to the same career, let alone the same role, but I'm absolutely fine with that. I don't want to reduce my hours, I simply want to quit so I can focus 100% on the family as my job does interfere with my time at home.

I have a secure, relatively well-paid job and DH has a decent income too. If I leave my job we will have very little disposable income - c£450 a month for absolutely everything after mortgage, food, bills and loans - which is a big drop from our current income but I think it's just about do-able.

DH has been clear that he thinks I will regret the decision when we can't afford holidays, family lunches out etc - this is a big thing for me as I was raised in poverty so the idea of voluntarily giving up money is very difficult but right now I honestly think that I can worry about that later, and perhaps try to find some part-time or self-employed work in the longer term if necessary.

bobbledunk, you must move in different circles to me as I know some spectacularly fashionably dressed SAHMs with model figures. Equally, your kidding yourself if you think your job talk makes you interesting. A job cannot make 'a bore' interesting!

I know that Janey! I was responding to scottishmummy who seems to think that stay at home parents are not allowed to have an off day. I'm not sure how she reached this conclusion.

Tbh it irks me when SAHPs moan about the summer holidays
I love to have time at home in the summer hols. I usually have 3 weeks off work and would certainly not be complaining if able to be at home for 6 weeks over summer.
I realise however that not all SAHPs have a choice to work, just as I have no choice BUT to work. Not having choices sucks for everyone.

The SAHPs I have no time for have chosen not to work, are comfortably off and find the school holidays harder work than term time with less "me" time. And come to think of it I don't even know any of these people - does anyone?

Does anyone else find it hilarioso that lowfat states that those who disparage others must be jealous and not confident in their choices....whilst then going on to make some of the most disparaging ramarks on the thread .

I can feel the wind from the ruffled feathers, I can.

Thanks again for all the responses. I am digesting them all; it is v. helpful to have so many different perspectives, and has given me a lot to think about.

At the moment my key priorities are 1) speaking to DH in more detail, and 2) considering alternative working arrangements or income streams.

The bereavement has been key but I don't think it's muddled my thinking as such; I think it's given me new clarity in terms of what is most important to me. I am taking the points on board re. not making hasty decisions though.

OP, could you try living for a couple of months on only your DH's salary, saving yours, and see how you, and your DH feel about then?

"I am a sham i have sole conrol of all our money and i give my dh money out of the income i set the budget ect if your oh makes you feel like you are a dependat then i think thats about ones relationship as a whole"

No it's not about the relationship, it's about reality. You are dependant on his income for everything.
Although DP never made me feel like that, I felt like that. I couldn't have control of budget as DP is self employed, it's feast and famine. Talk of monthly budgets is laughable in that situation - his income halved a few years ago! Poor guy went grey with the worry - we are now, as a family, much happier with DD3 in childcare and me working shifts - we share the childcare and the financial responsibility and it feels right for our family.

In the op's situation however, it may be that some time off and some re-evaluation would be good for her mental health.

Well, the thread was kind of bound to disintegrate somewhat, wasn't it....

Kind of a shame, but there's an awful lot of responses, from working mums and SAHMs which are basically nothing more than 'do what I did because then my choices are validated!'

Not very helpful.

I think advice about avoiding making big decisions when you are recently bereaved is sensible - but then someone else said (can't remember who, sorry) that making decisions based on emotion isn't such a bad thing. I agree - emotion-based decisions don't have to be rash or stupid. Is there any way you can take a long break from work, i.e not just holiday, but the equivalent of a long maternity leave? you would have to have a very understanding employer, and I don't know that I would be upfront about the reasons for doing it, tbh - but then at least you would get the chance to 'trial' a new arrangement and see how it goes.

I see in your original post you talk about 'sub-consciously' re-evaluating priorities. I think that's an interesting choice of words - why 'sub-conscious'? Is that what you mean?

If you experiencing a clash between what you feel you should logically want, and what you actually want, on an emotional level, it's worth acknowledging this and seeing if you can clarify your 'action plan' accordingly.

What concerns does your DP have apart from telling you what your regrets might be? It sounds a little like he's projecting his concerns on to you (telling you you will miss holidays when actually he will). I think you need to find out more about HIS concerns and see what if anything might make him happier about a big potential change.

I note that a lot of posters have told you you can't make a unilateral decision not to work - it's also true that if you really do want to stop working and your partner refuses to let you, he is making a unilateral decision to keep you working. While that's not fair, it is reasonable for him to feel you are moving the goal posts for your life together in a way he hasn't been expecting - and if you have set up a life for yourself (I'm a bit worried about you saying you have 'loans') which depends on their being two full time working parents, I think that means a LOT of discussion and reorganisation, not just rebudgeting. How will you feel if he decides it is not his job to do anything on the housework or domestic front, as he is the working partner? Does he accept that you being a stay at home parent is a valid 'job', for which he is going to have to hand you money? And will you both have an equal say in life/family decisions even though you will not be bringing home a paycheck?

I think there are much bigger issues to sort out than whether you can manage on £450 a month, personally. I'm sure what you suggest is possible and might be the right decision, but there are a lot of honest conversations to be had.

Good luck Blackonesugar (do you mean tea or coffee? black tea is the devil's work), well done for sifting through the silliness to pick out the pertinent points!

blackone if it were me, I'd ask my DH what he was really worried about.

Is he worried about being the sole-breadwinner? I'd undertsnad that, as I'd hate it. My DH though, wouldn't worry.

Is he worried about the future? Pension provision etc.

Is he worried that there simply won't be enough spare cash to enjoy your lives, taking into account that young children are relatively cheap. They get mahoosivley more expensive as they grow.

Is he worried about you? Does he think you will be bored? Does he think you will overfocus on the DC? The 100% focus on the family you mention might seems a bit much to him?

I think expecting him to be sole provider when you have always shared that job is a lot to ask. Its a big thing for someone to take on, especially when there are other options.

Part time working, while not ideal, would probably be the way i would go.

Look round and it is easy to find SAHM who regret giving up their work "social life", adult conversation, financial independence, job skills and so on.

It will probably end that your DP has less time with the children, and their attachment to him will be reduced compared to yours.

If he's at all nervous, I understand that you'll become primary carer, and if the unthinkable happened, he'll lose residency, his home and depend on what contact can be negotiated. I'm sure that's not in his mind but having seen some sad stories here it is something to be aware of.

Though in some families it makes perfect sense to have a sole breadwinner and a primary carer, especially if the breadwinner is highly ambitious and is able (and wants to) max out their earning potential.

My dad took early retirement aged 50 after his twin sisters died of cancer quite suddenly in their 40s. He's been surfing nearly everyday since then and he's now 67. He's comfortable financially but certainly doesn't have the wonga he used to.

Slightly different I know but it worked for him.

If you've got the money I say do it, but only your family circumstances will dictate what enough money is. I see so many people who want a certain lifestyle and others that value time with DC.

I SAH during the day and work evenings/nights - I wouldn't recommend it and would jump at the chance to not have to work tbh.

Gotta say I'm at those who say £450 DISPOSABLE income a month isn't much. Really? Behave yourselves fgs!

This really does need to be a joint decision as it has an impact on your DH as well. Due to a combination of events DH ended up as a SAHD and I am the main breadwinner. Over the last couple of years I have suffered two bereavements but I don't have the option of staying home with the children because if I don't work we don't have an income. I accept this because DH staying home was a joint decision that was the right one in the circumstances and we both have to live with the consequences.

Remember, in making this choice for yourself, you may be restricting your DH's choices going forward this is why it is something you both need to be comfortable with. Otherwise I would see if there is a compromise e.g. working part time.

Have you thought of taking a months parental leave just to see how you find it?

You can enjoy a certain lifestyle and enjoy time with your children you know.

YAtotallyNBU to re-evaluate your work life balance and consider cutting your hours and/or changing job to something that takes less of your emotional energy.

YABU in my opinion to give up work entirely (too extreme a change in one step) and YABtotallyU to do it without your DHs full and unequivocal support.

I gave up my job when dd1 was born, despite the fact we had got her a nursery place and it was agreed i would go back to work

I had a good job earning much more than dh (at the time) but i didn't want to leave her.

Ten years on i am starting to look for work again, i have been doing the admin for our own company for the last couple of years, but it is hard to find a job. I cannot go back into a similar role, things have moved on too much.

I don't regret it for a second though, i have been at home for dd1 and dd2 and it has been priceless.

Why not go part-time? How would you feel, for example, if your DH decided sub-conciously that he didn't want to bring a wage in anymore?

I have to say you all have very PC DPs or DHs. My DP does not want to be a SAHD, he does not view it as a luxury as someone up thread said, he sees at as very hardwork. My DB is exactly the same, he would not want to be a SAHD, although my DB and his wife have a set up where she invests their money and he earns it. Pre children she was an accountant in 'The City', it is more lucrative for them to have this arrangement. Neither my DP or DB are old men or Tony Parsons. Oh and she is no 'bag lady'!

OP, I'm sure you know this already, but under UK legislation you have the right to apply to your employer for flexible working, and they are legally obliged to consider it seriously and provide you with satisfactory reasons as to why they can't accommodate your request, if indeed they decline it.

There is some info here

I work three and a half days per week and although school holidays are difficult, it does give me a balance of working and being around for my DDs. Your employer may allow you to work shorter days or fewer days each week which might be a good halfway house. Good luck with it all!

YANBU if that is what you want to do and your husband is happy with the decision. But think very carefully first. Why not ask for a six months or year's break without pay with an option to return at the end of this. And see how you get on.

I don't see it as 'pc'; I see it as entirely normal in the 21st century that women and men tend to want similar things out of life. Also, most people tend to partner someone of similar ability and outlook, which makes it even more likely that they won't want radically different things from life. My dh enjoys spending time with the children and is more than capable of cooking dinner, switching on a machine machine and running the Hoover round, just as I am equally capable as he is at having a career and earnng money.
I don't see what 'pc' has to do with it !

I made the decision not to return to work after I also suffered a bereavement that caused me to re-evaluate my life and priorities.
Whilst it has been a hard transition for me and DH we both feel it was the the right decision. We did decide together and that is definitely the key.

I am now 3 years on from bereavement now and feel like my head only just beginning to clear. I can tell you though that the special moments with my children (that someone above mocked) have been very healing for me at this time and I can see that my children have blossomed with the extra time from me.

Good luck with whatever you chose and do take care of yourself.