To give up a well paid job to be a SAHM?

[Blackonesugarplease]

Name-changed for this.

DH thinks that I would be unreasonable to give up my job to be a SAHM to our young children.

In short, following a bereavement I have subconsciously re-evaluated my priorities. I am desperate to stay at home with my 3 young children as I can't bear to put them in childcare any more - getting them up at 6 and not seeing them for 11 hours a day, juggling the holidays etc. I know they're fine, but they're not with me, and I know I will never be able to get this time back.

If leave I'm unlikely to be able to return to the same career, let alone the same role, but I'm absolutely fine with that. I don't want to reduce my hours, I simply want to quit so I can focus 100% on the family as my job does interfere with my time at home.

I have a secure, relatively well-paid job and DH has a decent income too. If I leave my job we will have very little disposable income - c£450 a month for absolutely everything after mortgage, food, bills and loans - which is a big drop from our current income but I think it's just about do-able.

DH has been clear that he thinks I will regret the decision when we can't afford holidays, family lunches out etc - this is a big thing for me as I was raised in poverty so the idea of voluntarily giving up money is very difficult but right now I honestly think that I can worry about that later, and perhaps try to find some part-time or self-employed work in the longer term if necessary.

Thanks for all the replies. Kids are causing havoc so will be back to answer some of the q's later

YANBU, if your figures are correct and your DH is in agreement I think it is a sound option. I don't personally see the problem in this decision being a reaction to your bereavement. It has made you change your mind about your priorities then so be it, there is no wrong in that.

As usual cogito is talking sense! Would there be an option for you to take a sabbatical for maybe 6 months? It would give you a chance to really think about what you want while also testing the practicalities of living on a reduced income.

Financially it is doable, you will find a way to adapt if its what you really want. I would, however, be cautious about making such a major change. You might find you need the adult interaction and mental stimulation of work after you have been at home for a while.

the time you spend at home with your children will be more important to them than the time you spend in the office is important to your boss. They grow up so fast. I know a couple of people who deeply regret working full time when their children were younger and are convinced it damaged the relationship they have with their now adult children. But they had no choice. They had to work for financial reasons. If you don't have to, and don't want to, be with your children.

I would really avoid making big decisions at the moment. I suffered a bereavement at 27 and made some really quite poor decisions up to at least a year afterwards.

You could take some parental leave to try it out for a while? Although even that wouldn't be quite the same because it isnt open ended.

Also, be very careful if your DH is reluctant and finances are tight. I had a year out of work when my return from mat leave didn't work out. Over the course of the year 'Why don't you just leave your job?' turned into 'I feel that I am contributing everything' and then into 'what do you actually DO?' Accompanied by a significant relationship crisis. And that was with a large salary coming in.

Better now, but I think some partners do not take well to the one working/one SAHP route.

I am very sorry for your loss. I am another that would counsel against making significant decisions whilst still grieving.

I gave up my job when I suffered a horrific bereavement. Looking back, it was a mistake, I should have taken compassionate leave and given myself time.

I had my DH's support and for me that is crucial - we were both in shock and unable to make good decisions, apart from the key decision that we would support each other in any way we could.

Grief is so tiring and lonely, don't alienate your main support person. Can you come to a place you can both accept - perhaps a career break or reduced hours?

Take care of yourself.

So sorry for your recent loss.

For me personally YABU. It has to be a joint decision between you and DH, and I can understand your DH's point too. It must be quite a big responsibility being the sole earner and he has a right to have his say and let you know that he is unhappy about it. In his shoes I'd probably be thinking the same. It will cause a lot of resentment in your relationship if you went ahead and gave up your job with him not being happy about it (even if he does "let you" become a SAHM, he might not be happy about it).

Part time work is the best option, are you sure it can't work? I agree it is very hard not being with the DCs for 11 hours a day 5 days a week. I initially went back to work for 6.5hrs a day for 5 days and I really missed my DC1, and I changed hours within a month. Now I do 3 days a week which is perfect for me.

As the pp have mentioned the long term implications for your financial future must be considered too. What about Uni fees etc for your DCs? Pensions?

Personally £450 a month for spending money with 2 DCs would be a struggle for us. Doesn't leave much at all for a holiday, a few clothes, lunches out etc. Especially when you have 2 small DCs, it is a miserable existance when you don't have the luxury of being able to have lunch out, take them to the theatre/activities/special events etc, and no holidays to look forward to. I wouldn't want to live like that, but that is my opinion.

I completely agree with Cogito.

I won't bore you with my own personal experiences as I'm not you - but I would say that this is not the best time to make this decision. This is particularly important if your DH doesn't agree with you giving up work.

Is there any way you could take a sabbatical for a few months even, to see how it feels (a few weeks is probably not enough to tell as it would feel like an extended holiday)?

If the op was wanting to become a sahm because she was iminently expecting a baby would people still be giving the same replies? Tbh I don't think they would - people would be saying that the op needed to do what she felt was right - as long as it was affordable financially - not talking about financial independence/pension rights.

Op - ultimately whatever you decide to do needs to be decided between the two of you. The issues people have raised here are perfectly valid ones and you should possibly think through them carefully before making a decision which might permanently affect your life.

I gave up a decent job to become a sahm when I had ds. Ten years on I want to go back to work (I wanted to sooner but circumstances made that difficult) and now I'm in a position where none of my previous experience is relevant - even my voluntary experience because in truth employers don't take voluntary work seriously, regardless of what it is. So I'm now setting up my own business. I don't for one minute regret being a sahm - as you say they are only little for so long and you don't get that time back, plus I could never have put him into childcare as a young baby, but in retrospect I do think that perhaps I should have considered going back to work sooner, because in truth in a market where the employers have the upper hand, being out of work for a considerable period of time makes you virtually unemployable.

I also agree that a heightened emotional state can lead to impulse reactions which you could regret later on. Don't do anything on impulse, think it through seriously, for a few weeks, months even, and see how things change for you as the feelings you are currently experiencing settle down.

I think you need to consider your finances carefully. I'm sure being a SAHM would be wonderful for you and your children and as you say, you can't get this time back, so you have to think carefully. However, you also need to carefully consider how a reduced income will affect your family. As others suggest, could you not take a slightly different role within your company, something that would allow you to be at work shorter hours but still earning a reasonably income, even if not as high as you are now. You also have to consider what will happen in the future, what will be your plan when the children get older.
Don't underestimate how your financial situation will affect your life. I left a very well paid job a few years ago (not to be a SAHM but along similar lines), we still have a good income as a family but I do feel it's my husbands income and not joint income, this can feel very repressive at times. When you choose to leave work 'joint income' IMO is not the same as it is in families where it makes economic sense for one person not to work i.e. because of childcare costs. Consider how your DH would feel to be the sole earner and how you will feel being supported by him.

Hi Blackonesugar,
I'm so sorry for your loss.

I also understand from personal experience how grief can ? and probably should ? lead to a bit of soul searching and re-evaluation of priorities.

However, it can also lead us to make decisions based on the emotions and feeling we have at that moment. All sorts of other feelings are wrapped up with grief. Guilt. Regret. Duty. Loss. It's complicated stuff.

And for that reason, I would urge you to hang fire for a bit ? because decisions like this have massive and far-reaching implications.

It's not just about whether you're happy not to work now. Would you be happy not to work again? (Or at least not at the same level/in the same role).
Is your job one where you can take a few years out and then go back if that's what you decide to do?

Also, it's very easy to think about these things in black and white... Are you sure it has to be an all or nothing situation? Could you get more time with your children, be available for pick-ups and drop offs etc. by working part-time or freelance or something? It does rather depend on your line of work.

I was in a situation similar to you last year. Not the bereavement bit (which was a few years ago now) but resenting the kind of compromises I was having to make with my children and family because of my job.

I took the plunge and set up my own business. It was scary stuff, but, like you, my DH had a salary which would cover the mortgage, so there was a bit of a safety net if things took some time to get going... I now have the best of both worlds ? I'm enjoying my work far more, plus I'm able to be around for my children, do pick-ups/drop offs. I'm working REALLY HARD, but I'm doing it on my own terms, when it suits me and my family.

So try and think around the issue a little bit ? see if there's a way of getting the balance you need, and keeping your options open for the future?

And please, if you can, talk to someone about your grief and how it makes you feel.

I left it too long to deal with mine (largely because I was too busy propping up other family members to deal with my own feelings) and only addressed it when things had gotten to breaking point. Don't underestimate the impact unresolved feelings can have on all kinds of areas in your life.

So no, of course YANBU to consider this... But just take a step back and look at the bigger picture and your own motivations first, ok?

((((((((( Unmumsnetty hugs )))))))))))

db
xx

I'm sorry for your loss.

I have always heard it's best to not make any major decisions for at least a year following a bereavement. I would stick with this guideline, as hard as it may be.

You say you won't consider reduced hours, you just want to quit entirely. That does not really sound like a well considered plan, it sounds like an emotional response, which given the impact on your whole family is perhaps not the best way to go.

I think you owe it to your DH and to yourself and your career future to at least try part-time or reduced hours first, and see how it goes.

I have done the full range of work options since having DC and I think part-time is the best really, you get a nice balance of everything.

I gave up work 2 years ago to be a SAHM and I have loved it. I have loved being with our children, and DH acknowledges that his life has been easier as I have allowed him to focus on his job and certain household chores, but he has not had to juggle childcare issues, food shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. as he did (together with me) when we both worked. We timed my time at home around us moving to DH's native country, so I have been able to settle in, adjust and help the kids to do so. I am certain that our children have benefited from this time as well.

However, part of this time has been funded from savings that we had. Now that our youngest DD is settled at pre-school I want to work in order to boost our family income, to have some money that feels like 'mine' and to be able to save again, rather than keep taking money out of the savings account. We manage on a monthly basis, but any extra or unforeseen expenses come out of the savings and realistically this can't continue forever. Going without holidays for a year or two I can do, but I want to have a financial safety net and I want to save for our own old age and for our DDs studies later on.

Could you see if you could take a sabatical year or something? Give you time with your family, chance to get things in perspective. You don't have to go back to your job after that, but it might make your DH feel more secure.

Why don't you get a nanny rather than use childcare? It will lessen the burden on all your family.

I've just done exactly this. I was the main earner and we will lose nearly 2000 a month but my baby will only be little once and we are determined that I will be at home with her. My employers refused to grant flexible working so the alternative was for my baby to be in childcare for 10hrs a day. It's really important to us to be able to do this and we will never have this time back again.

Sorry, forgot to say, I'm very sorry for your recent bereavement.

I can understand the desire to stay home with young DC but you seem to be giving up an awful lot. Also bereavement is emotionally very draining and this isnt the time to make this decision. We recently underwent some awful family tragedies all within the space of 3 months. I pretty much wanted to lock away myself, my DC and my DH from the world but this did pass.

I think you would find that arranging pt hours would mean that your work would demand less of you. I work 3.5 days in a senior role and my work rarely interrupts family time.

Disposable income sounds so flippant but in reality it is this income that makes life enjoyable. Sure money doesnt buy happiness, but no money certainly leads to hardship.

Many people will consider 450 per month for enjoyables a lot of money - and it is, but everything is relative and if you've been used to a lot more it can be difficult to adjust. It's not unreasonable to want to be a sahp but it is always unreasonable to make unilateral decisions when the consequences will affect the whole family.

I too think you should take some leave and ask to go part time for a fixed period - say six months, while you take stock.

When I stopped working, our joint annual income fell by 50%. However as dh gets an annual bonus, monthly income fell by 55% and even though we'd spent a year trying to live on one wage in preparation, it was a really tough adjustment. So was going from a really busy, engaging, often frustrating and exhausting job to having unstructured days with much less adult interaction. Living in the house full time is really different for the family too - things that you turn a blind eye to (necessarily) when you just aren't there to sort them out get irritating, yet there still somehow isn't the time to deal with them. Holidays seem to be some kind of escape, but then they don't even seem as different from the daily grind as they used to.

The money change seems minor in comparison to the other adjustments I've needed to make but with all that I just described, I still feel it's a great life. It hasn't come naturally and I'm still learning how to cope, but it is just true that you can't get this time back watching your kids growing. It'll take some courage to make the change, which is why I disagree with posters who say you this is the wrong time to decide. It might be. Or it might be the only circumstances when you'd consider such a big change that you could end up loving.

You can't make the decision on your own, but neither can anyone make you work if you don't want to. Why not deal with the fears by trying a couple of months transferring your wages straight into savings and getting a feel for how the finances will look.

OP - Just to give another point of view, when other posters talk about giving up their jobs and the subsequent income and not regretting it, you do not know how much disposable income they actually had left or what their partners earned.
450 a month leaves you with very little for socialising, clothes, family outings etc. You also need to think about opportunities for your children - can you pay for out of school lessons etc if you stay home.

Gentle great idea on the savings !!

450 per month for clothes and playing out? I think that's very good. Do people really think a family needs more than 110 per week for entertainment? You don't buy clothes every week! Maybe we just have inexpensive tastes. I think you cut your cloth according to your measure and prioritise. If the children have quality mummy time instead and you have time to think and be creative perhaps expensive days our aren't necessary. We certainly didn't have such when we were little yet felt loved, stimulated and nurtured.

Bereavement is a major body- blow, and like others have said, major things like this really upset how you feel and respond. That's why it's so important not to make a big far reaching decision right now.

I had a similar major life crisis a while back, not bereavement, but a very close friend with young children becoming dangerously ill. I was amazed at how this impacted on me. I could quite happily have shut myself away for several months. I didn't see 'the point' of work, or indeed of nice days out and many other things. I just had to keep going, and the feelings passed and I realised that it was nothing to do with seriously wanting my life to change; rather it was a normal reaction to something really major happening in someone close to me. Grief and shock can do that- it can make you want to 'close in', which is why it's important to give yourself time. Six months from now you could feel totally different again and coping fine.

Personally, I don't think an emotional response to something is a bad thing, it is perhaps an intuitive reaction that should be considered. There are major changes that occurred in my life because I reacted intuitively. If I had not I would've been very unhappy now. You can always choose the safe option, the one you know but that automatically equal happiness. That said, it is crucial that you DH is on side with this decision as resentment in this kind of set up causes relationships many difficulties IMO!

I think if you have 450 a month spare then you won't have a miserable existence!

We would find it very hard to have just that amount. Golf and Tennis club membership, swimming and dancing lessons etc. Its not like we are drinking Moet every evening !