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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it is perfect reasonable to ask in-laws to stay in a hotel over christmas

223 replies

angelicstar · 27/08/2012 10:44

We have a 3 bed house with 2 kids and me and DH so obviously all the bedrooms are taken. We are going to ask the in-laws down for 2 nights over xmas and I have suggested to DH that they stay in a hotel which we will pay for. The hotel is in a nice area 5 mins walk from our house and is a perfectly nice hotel so its not hardship for them.

I think it will be much easier this way as we won't have to shuffle around the rooms (me and DCs are not great sleepers anywayso changing rooms will not help) and it will also give me my own space away from the in-laws (we don't get on that well). Hosting Christmas is hard enough as it is without unwanted overnight guests! If I am less stressed then everyone will be less stressed and getting a break from being a hostess overnight will make things alot easier for me.

However DH seems to think this is a bit unreasonable though and feels that we should put them up as it is "the least we can do". I also suspect that the in-laws might not be too happy as when I have tried to encourage them to stay in a hotel before they have resisted - but I just don't see what the problem is.AIBU??

OP posts:

theoriginalandbestrookie · 27/08/2012 20:36

I think it depends very much upon how it was worded. Perhaps if your DH was to put it like this to them ( it is his parents afer all) then they might be ok about it.
"I know its early to make plans but we would all very much like you to spend Christmas with us. It would be great if you could bring along your special homemade christmas pudding .
I wanted to discuss sleeping arrangements with you so we can be all sorted. Unfortunately the DCs make merry hell when they have to share a room together also as you know Angelicstar is a very light sleeper so we'd struggle to have one of them in our room. Last time we did this with visitors she had a migraine for two days so it wouldn't be fair to do this to her at Christmas.

The couple of options we could think of is to get one of those blow up mattresses for you in the living room but we are worried that you would be woken up by the children and they aren't terribly comfortable, or another option is the hotel down the road - its a five minute walk away and is meant to be nice and we would be happy to pay because we really want you to come"

Do your relatives have to stay in a b&b when they come OP?
Oh and it might be worth getting the DCs used to sharing a room at some stage otherwise your holidays are going to be very expensive.

bogeyface · 27/08/2012 20:39

Let them stay and book into a hotel yourself.

Sabriel · 28/08/2012 08:31

It has been interesting to see that so many people feel this is not on. My mum used to come to stay with us at Christmas when we lived 4 hours apart. By day 2 we were all at eachothers throats, so one year we booked a hotel for her. One of the teen DCs went with her, and after all day together it was great to get a break from her (and she from us, I'm sure).

She gets up at the crack of dawn and crashes and bangs about until someone gets up with her. One visit (not Xmas) she was moaning that she'd woken up but couldn't "go" anywhere because there was somebody in every room. Well yes the fact that she had taken over DC4's bedroom so he was in the livingroom would do that

The next Xmas we booked the hotel again and she went mad. Ranting and raving about how she'd been stuck in a hotel out of the way so she couldn't spend Xmas with us - it was bizarre. Presumably she'd been talking to her friends and they'd said it was odd.

Now we live near each-other and we do Xmas day at our house and Boxing day at hers, and nobody has to sleep anywhere odd. it is bliss. Everybody gets to go home .

happyinherts · 28/08/2012 08:38

I think the hotel idea is absolutely perfect.

It's accessible. Grandparents would presumably be welcome to arrive for Christmas when they are ready without the extra stress on hostess and similarly have somewhere to escape back to if they find it too much noise or whatever. Especially if finances aren't a problem - it's an absolutely perfect arrangement.

if I had a daughter in law for whatever reason suggested the hotel idea plus Christmas dinner with her and family, I would think she was a very sensible young lady.

demoninside · 28/08/2012 08:42

Hang on, which baby would wake them up at 6 am, if your two dc are teenagers?

YouOldSlag · 28/08/2012 10:06

Demon- they are not teenagers, they are 2yo and 4yo.

YouOldSlag · 28/08/2012 10:36

The way I see this is: The DH doesn't help out, the ILs expect to be waited on, the OP has a 2yo and a 4yo and is expected to wait on everyone hand foot and finger and she is getting a hard time about asking for one small way to make things easier for her.

So many people are coming out on the side of the ILs.

What kind of Christmas is the OP going to have if it's spent waiting on people, entertaining them, and doing all the cooking?

She is asking for one small concession that still involves the ILs spending all day Christmas with the family and her DH and ILs are pulling faces about it.

They are the selfish ones for expecting so much and not offering to help.

It seems like their enjoyment of Christmas counts more than the poor woman stuck in the kitchen all day for their benefit.

diddl · 28/08/2012 10:38

But just because she is expected to doesn´t mean that she should!

lynniep · 28/08/2012 10:41

YANBU. I'd do that if I didnt have a spare room. Fortunately I dont have to as my MIL willingly stays in hotels when she visits (and pays for it herself).

I do wish she'd check though before visiting that we actually intend to be around. She has a tendency to book hotels and not tell us about it until the week before, at which point I say 'oh well actually we won't be at home next weekend, we're on holiday' She then gets upset, insists she DID tell us, and suggests we cancel our holiday...

squoosh · 28/08/2012 10:41

If she waits on people hand and foot she has no one to blame but herself. I never understand that argument, just REFUSE, to do it.

Who are these fabled martyred women who run around doing everything for everyone?

YouOldSlag · 28/08/2012 10:44

It's not always that easy though diddl in the heat of the moment.

We usually find when ILS stay DH keeps them company and chats whilst I bring food out. Otherwise we are both in the kitchen and no company for the guests.

However, if I am a guest, I am usually on my feet helping. My MIL has a sense of entitlement that means she is weak and feeble and can't help (this meanss sitting on her arse and being fed cups of tea every 30 minutes). She could if she tried but for a quiet life.....((sigh))

diddl · 28/08/2012 11:16

Dear Lord-aren´t ILs capable of amusing themselves for a while?

I know they are guests-but also parents-do they really have to be entertained full time to the extent that your husband can´t leave them?

Do your parents ever stay?

If so, do you stick with them whilst husband is in the kitchen/bringing food out?

YouOldSlag · 28/08/2012 11:32

To be fair Diddl, it's partly my fault as I won't let DH in the kitchen when I'm cooking. it's very much my territory. However, he does me a big favour by talking to the ILs so that I don't have to. I literally can't bear my MIL's company, though I hide it well and keep telling myself "it's only twice a year"

My Mum has stayed but uses a hotel now and she does make herself very useful: making tea, folding washing, entertaining the kids, taking plates out etc.

My Dad lives locally so doesn't stay.

FireOverBabylon · 28/08/2012 11:39

Hotels at Christmas are crap unless they're in some "destination" location so whole families are staying there together. We stayed in one, one Christmas, to save my sister having to sleep on the sofa. It was like the bloody Shining - there was no one else there. Very odd atmosphere and no comparison with getting up and going down to see your gradchildren open their presents.

albertswearengen · 28/08/2012 14:25

Me- I am the martyred woman. My FIL will do outdoorsy and DIY jobs with my husband but my MIL expects to be waited on hand and foot and entertained. She does nothing to help not even entertain DS. She treats visits to us as a holiday. It is not an option that would do anything at all. The only alternative is to be very rude to her which would cause untold misery. She helps her daughter out a lot partly because she is told to and partly because she wants her to like her. She doesn't care if I like her I think even after 20 years.

I totally understand where the OP is coming from, it is exhausting looking after IL's like that. Mine were here a few weeks ago and after I had entertained them all day I made a meal to their specifications (they are very fussy) I put DS to bed and came down to a table full of dishes. Not one of them could even take them to the kitchen. DH couldn't as they had nabbed him to 'talk at'. At Christmas it is this times 10.

However, I look at it that it's just something to be got through. Mine always outstay their welcome and even though they live an hour away stay for 2 or 3 days.

Thumbwitch · 28/08/2012 14:26

"Like I said earlier, she could get the I.L's and DH to do more! Even a little bit would help."

Love the sheer naivety of this comment. I suspect if it was that easy to get people who expect to be waited on hand and foot to "do more", there would be less of an issue. Hilarious.

albertswearengen · 28/08/2012 15:29

Thumbwitch - exactly. All hints obvious and not so obvious fall on deaf ears.

Londonista1975 · 28/08/2012 17:28

Naive? Give me a break, thumb witch. Nobody has to do everything. The OP is being a martyr.

Hints? Bloody forget it and tell them how you feel! Simples, innit.

Thumbwitch · 28/08/2012 17:33

yes you're bloody naive if you think it's that "simples" to get entitled arses to do anything they don't want to.

ToothbrushThief · 28/08/2012 17:37

I'd be thrilled to be invited and would pay myself or at least contribute.

Cannot believe the responses you are getting

YADNBU!

albertswearengen · 28/08/2012 17:52

It is not 'simples' - family relations rarely are. If I or DH ask my MIL to do something like make a cup of tea or peel the brussel sprouts her reply will not be a simple no it will be "Oh we don't need tea now" or "there's no need for brussel sprouts we have so much of everything else". Or she will use the trick she used when ds was small and he was an exhausting high needs baby - she will go and hide in a bedroom or the loo or the garden until she thinks the danger of having to do anything is gone. She is accomplished in not doing stuff she doesn't want to.
It pisses me right off but if we made an issue of it there would be WWWIII and I choose not to I haven't the energy. They also have no notion that they are acting entitled and would just think me mad.

expatinscotland · 28/08/2012 17:56

Then she stays in a fucking hotel so she can pay others to wait on her. I don't have the energy to put up with self-entitled people who think they can park up and get waited on like they're in a hotel just because we happen to be related.

I don't do that to others so I don't take it myself.

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest if it meant WWIII. I'd tell her she could come and stay in the hotel. She piped up about anything and I'd tell her it's because I'm not running one myself.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 28/08/2012 18:50

My MIL has a great ploy.

She says "do you need any help?" If I say "yes, please, these potatoes could do with peeling", for example, she will say

"good, I'll ask FIL to do it"

FIL never does anything. He says "oh, right" and wanders off to the toilet.

I understand exactly what Albert is getting at.

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