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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it is perfect reasonable to ask in-laws to stay in a hotel over christmas

223 replies

angelicstar · 27/08/2012 10:44

We have a 3 bed house with 2 kids and me and DH so obviously all the bedrooms are taken. We are going to ask the in-laws down for 2 nights over xmas and I have suggested to DH that they stay in a hotel which we will pay for. The hotel is in a nice area 5 mins walk from our house and is a perfectly nice hotel so its not hardship for them.

I think it will be much easier this way as we won't have to shuffle around the rooms (me and DCs are not great sleepers anywayso changing rooms will not help) and it will also give me my own space away from the in-laws (we don't get on that well). Hosting Christmas is hard enough as it is without unwanted overnight guests! If I am less stressed then everyone will be less stressed and getting a break from being a hostess overnight will make things alot easier for me.

However DH seems to think this is a bit unreasonable though and feels that we should put them up as it is "the least we can do". I also suspect that the in-laws might not be too happy as when I have tried to encourage them to stay in a hotel before they have resisted - but I just don't see what the problem is.AIBU??

OP posts:

OhDearNigel · 27/08/2012 13:00

I think there are some extraordinarily martyred people on MN this morning. The OP is hardly asking them to do anything extraordinary. OP, presumably as you have a 2 & a 4 year old you don't have spare double beds up your sleeve for the ILs to stay in ?

OP, just ignore the martyrs on here this morning, tell DH that if he wants them to stay in your house he can do all the doing. And you check into that nice little hotel

squoosh · 27/08/2012 13:05

Having guests to stay for two piddling nights makes someone a martyr?

Morloth · 27/08/2012 13:07

How is it being a martyr to say that the inlaws will be offended?

How odd. I don't martyr myself, I don't wear a hostess mask. I am a grumpy cow most of the time, but here is the thing, I am their grumpy cow. And FIL is our mad old goat and MIL is our silly old duffer and DS1 is our cheeky git and DS2 is our PITA.

The OP has to weigh up whether she cares if the inlaws are offended or not and what the fallout of that will be.

ladymariner · 27/08/2012 13:08

Martyr??????

hawaiiWave · 27/08/2012 13:11

Yanbu. OP its your Christmas too and you should be able to enjoy it!if that means having the inlaws stay in a hotel then so be it. I think you are being very kind to invite them at all, especially if they will sit around and expect to be served. I wouldn't have invited them at all...

charlottehere · 27/08/2012 13:11

My PIL choose to stay in a hotel and we haven't actally got anywhere for them to stay unless the fancy a room each in a single bed.

Floggingmolly · 27/08/2012 13:12

I'd rather be a martyr with a smidgen of Christmas spirit, than someone who would banish my in laws to a hotel. At Christmas.

ifiwasarichwoman · 27/08/2012 13:13

It's bog all to do with being a martyr - I LoVE having mum here Christmas eve - and she would be hurt if I said - stay in a hotel - who is paying isn't the issue.

MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea · 27/08/2012 13:13

Op...I think you should go ahead with your plan.

I hate having people to stay even though we have a biggish house. Puts me on edge. I would never expect my teenagers to share a room.
I think they would be odd PILs not to enjoy a bit of peace in a hotel.

missnevermind · 27/08/2012 13:15

This lot are miserable again, it must be the weather.

I would love to be invited to visit and stay over in a hotel. How can it be an insult?

Tell the in laws
'We would love to see you over Christmas but it can get a little crowded. As part of your present we thought we would pay for a couple of nights in the hotel over the road so that we can spend some time together.'

diddl · 27/08/2012 13:16

For me, the point of guest being in a hotel would be that they wouldn´t be with me all day.

So for Christmas, if they´re turning up for breakfast & staying until bedtime, they might as well be sleeping over!

Driftwood999 · 27/08/2012 13:19

Just wondering what families do around the world? or immigrant families come to that? Probably enjoy and respect each other.

ifiwasarichwoman · 27/08/2012 13:19

miss it probably depends on what kind of family you are whether you would find it insulting - the ops dh thinks the in laws would.

CommaChameleon · 27/08/2012 13:32

YANBU.

A hotel along the road sounds lovely, a good sleep in a proper bed, wake up for a nice cooked breakfast and then a stroll along to visit family for the day before going back to a nice room with the bed made for a bit of peace and quiet.

If they don't want to come then I will come and visit you OP, I love staying in hotels.

PavlovtheCat · 27/08/2012 13:33

I am undecided. I personally would much prefer to stay in a hotel walking distance away. I can get up and dressed leisurely, visit in time for brekky, drink wine and get my own space too. It is not just the hostess who needs it. I would want it too I am sure. I would prefer that to a child bedroom although would be fine if no hotel was offered. In fact if I were financially able, I would always choose a local hotel that squeezing into a house of chaos.

However clearly some people don't like that and would misinterpret it as not being wanted. You know your I laws better than us and it seems they would choose staying with you. So, I think for the sake of keeping relations good even if I don't get on great, I would give them the choice and if they choose to stay with you, make them feel welcome and just get on with it. Our parents are here for not that long and despite my mum frustrating me after more than a couple of days I would give anything to have her back with us and spending Christmas with the children in my own home. As a result, I always always put myself out completely when dh's mother visits. She is nearly 80 and needs abut of care, whether or not our personalities clash. And our children adore her, and she is my dh's mother whom he loves. You got to do it haven't you?

But, I don't think your unreasonable to want it, or to at least offer.

YouOldSlag · 27/08/2012 13:34

Just wondering what families do around the world? or immigrant families come to that? Probably enjoy and respect each other.

But we're not talking about immigrants, we are talking about a hotel 5 mins away that the OP can afford.

Sometimes it's worth putting family in a hotel in order to ensure you maintain a relationship with them. If there is tension, a little space can help everyone get along better.

Puting ILs in a paid for hotel does not mean they are not loved or respected, it means the DIL can stay sane and have a little bit of precious space that will mean everyone has a nice Christmas and not just the ILs.

HeathRobinson · 27/08/2012 13:36

'it probably depends on what kind of family you are whether you would find it insulting - the ops dh thinks the in laws would'

But the op's dh is not the one doing all the work!

YouOldSlag · 27/08/2012 13:37

*For me, the point of guest being in a hotel would be that they wouldn´t be with me all day.

So for Christmas, if they´re turning up for breakfast & staying until bedtime, they might as well be sleeping over!*

Diddl, although that does make sense, when my DM stayed in a hotel and went home to the hotel at 9.30pm, that time between then and bed was really precious to me and DH as it was our only breathing space. My DM seemed happier too !

squoosh · 27/08/2012 13:40

Well then the solution is, have them to stay and make sure husband does his share.

I never understand people who host/hostess like demons. Nothing wrong with saying 'here's the kettle, there are the bisuits'. Things don't have to be perfect.

PavlovtheCat · 27/08/2012 13:41

And, Dh pointed out, we turn our own bedroom over to mil. We make it hotel room like, with an empty drawer and cupboard space, towels laid out. We bunk in with children. She can have her space, the kids wake her up with breakfast.

So, I think, more I think about it, put them first, spoil them, let them be sort of your family. Which they of course are.

axure · 27/08/2012 13:43

YANBU, I posted a similar thread about not wanting to invite my mother at all for Xmas this year. Received similar responses, some people think you're a nasty, selfish, cow; others think it's perfectly reasonable to do what suits your family best. Ultimately you can't win when it comes to families.

ParaOlympicpark · 27/08/2012 13:46

YANBU in any way. My ILs come frm America and they stay in a BandB, it's very difficult to have people stay in your house, and from bitter experience I can stay that having ILs staying over at Christmas is a nightmare.

Londonista1975 · 27/08/2012 14:02

It's two days once a year. I think you need to get over yourself. Your husband wants them there and so do they (alot of people here are forgetting that when you've suggested this before they resisted - clearly they like being there with you all).

Getting them to help out as much as possible is I feel the best way to get through it and maybe if things become intolerable you and DH could go out for a drive or visit friends locally for a couple of hours or so?

I would think of the potential long term consequences if you suggest this to them again. Surely you don't want to cause a rift for the sake of something so relatively trivial?

Driftwood999 · 27/08/2012 14:06

OP, please manage your expectations about Christmas. Do your family a favour and let the mask slip a bit. I think a compromise would be to give pil a choice, but not a guarded one. Invite them wholeheartedly to your home (the hotel is just an offer, not an ultimatum) or not at all. No one is perfect and it sounds to me like you are striving for perfection. Be honest, ask for help, get people involved in providing and helping and it will happen. My tip is do not buy any magazines featuring Christmas, make your own traditions! I do hope you get to know them better, your children are very young. Don't write people off.

IKilledIgglePiggle · 27/08/2012 14:10

This thread has hit home with me. I was just about to ask my parents if they wouldn't mind staying in a hotel at Christmas. I have been putting it off

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