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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it is perfect reasonable to ask in-laws to stay in a hotel over christmas

223 replies

angelicstar · 27/08/2012 10:44

We have a 3 bed house with 2 kids and me and DH so obviously all the bedrooms are taken. We are going to ask the in-laws down for 2 nights over xmas and I have suggested to DH that they stay in a hotel which we will pay for. The hotel is in a nice area 5 mins walk from our house and is a perfectly nice hotel so its not hardship for them.

I think it will be much easier this way as we won't have to shuffle around the rooms (me and DCs are not great sleepers anywayso changing rooms will not help) and it will also give me my own space away from the in-laws (we don't get on that well). Hosting Christmas is hard enough as it is without unwanted overnight guests! If I am less stressed then everyone will be less stressed and getting a break from being a hostess overnight will make things alot easier for me.

However DH seems to think this is a bit unreasonable though and feels that we should put them up as it is "the least we can do". I also suspect that the in-laws might not be too happy as when I have tried to encourage them to stay in a hotel before they have resisted - but I just don't see what the problem is.AIBU??

OP posts:

OhTheConfusion · 27/08/2012 14:36

I would turn down the chance to spend Christmas with someone who clearly didn't want me there - yes. It's less about the hotel, and more about the message "I don't like you enough to put myself out in any way".

Surely the OP is putting herself out, she is offering to host christmas and pay for a hotel.

OP, DH and I dream of the day we can bugger off to a lovely hotel and wake up without a turkey to cook!

CrapBag · 27/08/2012 14:38

Only read the first page but OP, YANBU.

You are offering to pay, you have already said they won't help out but want to be waited on, why should you have to do that for 2 days solid over Christmas, its your Christmas too. I certainly wouldn't want people I didn't get on with staying over night at Christmas.

TallDwarf · 27/08/2012 14:42

Yanbu but I can see why they may think Yabu.

I'm a bit of an introvert and can't stand having my space taken up. A lot of people struggle to understand that though.
Hope you manage to come to an agreement where you're all happy

fivegomadindorset · 27/08/2012 14:44

There are a lot of I's in your post, no we's.

slowestwildebeast · 27/08/2012 14:45

OP YANBU

I like house guests but find them stressful and I don't have children.

If you were saying if they have to come then they must stay in a hotel and pay for it but you haven't said that, you also say you don't really like them so why should your Xmas be taken over by DH's family when this gives you some time each night to recoup.

I think it comes down to the fact that you aren't expecting them to pay for it; they will be arriving early and simply sleeping in the hotel by the sounds of it able to come and go as they want which allows them some space if they need it.

By the sounds of it you're going to be the one running around doing everything so I think it's only fair that you shouldn't then have the extra hassle of putting children to sleep in rooms they potentially won't sleep in when together, and also I wouldn't want x5 people to get into the bath/shower every day.

If they are offended then by all means change the plan, does your DH get on with your parents? Maybe invite them over as well, they can all stay at the hotel. :) Or you go to the hotel while your DH entertains his parents.

CrapBag · 27/08/2012 14:53

Just out of interest, what would your DHh say if it was your parents and not his?

Also does he do any of this waiting on them that they expect?

lovebunny · 27/08/2012 14:55

i think it's totally brilliant, especially if you are paying. i like you.

Chandon · 27/08/2012 15:03

Your husband is being U for not doing his part and for making you feel it is all your job to sort out.

Thumbwitch · 27/08/2012 15:07

OP - I mostly think YANBU but have worries over your DH's thoughts.

So, I think you need to both discuss this in light of your situation:

if you put the 2 and 4yo together, and neither sleep and your DS is up half the night screaming, will this piss your ILs off more than being asked to stay in a hotel?
Are your ILs the sort to cope with small children waking them at 6am?
You've said already they're the "sit and expect to be waited upon" type - they'll get that at the hotel, so if your DH wants them to be in your home, he has to agree to take on the waiter role
have you the option to make them sleep downstairs in the living room on a sofa/blow up bed?
Presumably neither of your small children actually sleeps in a double bed, so do you even have a spare one?
If they're having one of your DC's bedrooms, will you move all the toys etc. out as well, or will the DC have access to their own bedroom during the 2 days the ILs are there?

But then I am the sort of guest who really doesn't like to put my hosts out - I don't want to be seen as a difficult burden, so I'd happily take the paid-for-room-at-the-hotel and know that at least my hosts wanted to see me enough that they were willing to pay for me to be there; and I wouldn't feel uncomfortable about putting them out more than was necessary.

YouOldSlag · 27/08/2012 15:29

Thumbwitch- some true common sense there. good post.

whattodoo · 27/08/2012 15:43

Hmmm, going to sit on the fence with this one.

I would be horribly insulted if I were your PIL, but secretly delighted at the prospect if 2 nights comfy sleep, and 2 days celebrating Christmas with my family.

The practicalities of them staying with you are not insurmountable, and by telling them they'll he staying in a hotel it makes it obvious you can't face their company for 48 hrs.

It also tells you DH that his wishes are not ad important as yours. Having said that, he should be very clear that regardless of whether or not his parents are staying with you, he should he pulling his weight with the Christmas goings on.

One thing that does occur to me though - if they stay at yours this year and it is a nightmare, you have the hotel option to suggest next time.

However if you insist that the hotel is the only possible solution this year, you are setting the precedent. You will have to fork out every time, your PIL might feel embarassed by this and start making excuses not to come (to save your expense if you're having a financially difficult year for instance). A big wedge between you could result from this.

gettingeasier · 27/08/2012 16:15

YABU

On the face of it a nearby hotel may seem perfectly logical but to me its just wrong for Christmas

You think they will not like the idea as they have resisted this option in the past so bearing that in mind along with the fact your DH would like them to stay then put yourself out and have them to stay or dont issue an invite

YouOldSlag · 27/08/2012 16:18

The other side of the coin is that the GPs are expecting to be waited on by a couple who already have two young children that need looking after. I wouldn't dream of expecting a couple with a 4yo and a 2yo to wait on me all day and would do everything I could to make my visit easy for them.

garlicnuts · 27/08/2012 16:31

YANBU, and neither is anybody else who wants to do this unless they live in a mansion.

If you reframe this entirely as for your guests' benefit, it's bloody kind of you :) They get to do stuff at their own pace. They will not be subjected to you being "stressed" by seasonal shenanigans, they'll just get the good bits. It's only 5 mins walk. They can have breakfast in bed. They will not be subjected to you being "stressed" by seasonal shenanigans, they'll just get the good bits. You can wait the DC's main presents until they arrive, and they will not be subjected to you being "stressed" by seasonal shenanigans, they'll just get the good bits. They can leave at will; even leave and come back later. You could all repair to the hotel for an evening snifter to relieve your "stress" at the seasonal shenanigans. (Or just you & DH go, leaving DC with GPs!) It will all be so much more comfortable and relaxed.

Go for it!

If you don't - can I have your room please? I'd love it

AnyoneforTurps · 27/08/2012 16:42

How do all the posters who say their (pre-teen) DC couldn't possibly share a room to accommodate guests manage when they go away themselves? Do they never camp/stay with friends and do they book a hotel room for each DC?

Once you're past the toddler stage, it's good for children to learn to muck in and put themselves out a bit for others. Part of the fun of Christmas for a child is the house being a bit topsy-turvey.

SpudtheScarecrow · 27/08/2012 16:51

I'm really surprised so many people think this would be rude. I have a great relationship with my Inlaws. I love them to bits even if they drive me crazy sometimes They live 200 miles away so whenever they visit they are always 'staying'. Often they stay with us and we all squeeze in, sometimes they stay in the (v nice) hotel round the corner. Either works well in different ways. Last Christmas they stayed in the hotel as otherwise they'd have been sleeping in the lounge and there would have been no room for Santa to leave the presents! They were still very much part of our family Christmas. They stayed til after the DCs were in bed on Christmas Eve and then were round in time for present opening. We just opened stockings at the crack of dawn a bit earlier. It worked well for all of us - no queuing for the bathroom, they get a bit of a lie in and we all get our own space.

Only you know how your inlaws will perceive it tho - I think the difference is I do genuinely get on with mine and so they know they are welcome and usually MIL and I just have a chat about what wil work best for a visit. If you already think they and DH will be offended then you'll have to tread carefully I would have thought.

(Btw, they always pay for themselves and don't think they'd accept even if we offered to which we never have )

YouOldSlag · 27/08/2012 17:03

*How do all the posters who say their (pre-teen) DC couldn't possibly share a room to accommodate guests manage when they go away themselves? Do they never camp/stay with friends and do they book a hotel room for each DC?

Once you're past the toddler stage, it's good for children to learn to muck in and put themselves out a bit for others. Part of the fun of Christmas for a child is the house being a bit topsy-turvey.*

The OP's DC is 2. I also have a 2yo and if he had to share with his 6yo brother, neither would sleep which means me and DH wouldn't sleep either which means having house guests and two grumpy kids, having had no sleep myself whilst having to wait on everyone is a recipe for disaster.

ExitStencilist · 27/08/2012 17:16

Then you bring either the 2 or the 6 year old into your room. Bit of flexibility is all you need.

ifiwasarichwoman · 27/08/2012 17:46

I was about to say that - I'd pull the 2 year old in with me.

scummymummy · 27/08/2012 17:51

It's rude if the parents-in-law would feel rejected. Your husband seems to think that they would and he probably knows. What did you do last Christmas?

YouOldSlag · 27/08/2012 17:54

Do you think the 2yo would sleep better in our room? No, he wouldn't. We used to do that and ended up sleepless. Every time we so much as rustled he woke up. It took me an hour to get him to go to sleep so we don't do that anymore. after a five day visit and no sleep for me or DH, we decided not o have overnight guests anymore.

I honestly don't see why GPs have to stay when the hotel is free and five mins away.

Is it them being selfish by expecting to be looked after by a busy mother of 2, or is the OP being selfish in offering free accommodation so everyone gets a peaceful night's sleep and the ILs are still included on Christmas Day which she is arranging and doing for everyone?

If I was staying with a young family and I thought I was inconveniencing them, I would be more than happy to have a hotel. The GPs are expecting a lot- and so is the DH.

wordfactory · 27/08/2012 17:57

I have parents and ILs who adore being with the DC and want to be here for as long as possible. Until a couple of years ago when snow stopped play I had never had an xmas morning without being filmed!!!

I must admit I find it hard. They are here at least five days. And DH doesn't even get on with his parents.

When I'm a grandparent I am absolutley bloody certain that I willbe happy with any suggestion and won't overstay my welcome and will always arrive with expensive wine and a pair of rubber gloves!

RedHelenB · 27/08/2012 17:59

Why not offer them the choice?

YouOldSlag · 27/08/2012 18:00

RedHelen, I think the OP already knows what they would choose!

InkyBinky · 27/08/2012 18:07

Not read all the posts.

YABU It will come across as though you are being hostile towards them. I would offer them the choice it might be they already feel uncomfortable when they are in you home.

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