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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it is perfect reasonable to ask in-laws to stay in a hotel over christmas

223 replies

angelicstar · 27/08/2012 10:44

We have a 3 bed house with 2 kids and me and DH so obviously all the bedrooms are taken. We are going to ask the in-laws down for 2 nights over xmas and I have suggested to DH that they stay in a hotel which we will pay for. The hotel is in a nice area 5 mins walk from our house and is a perfectly nice hotel so its not hardship for them.

I think it will be much easier this way as we won't have to shuffle around the rooms (me and DCs are not great sleepers anywayso changing rooms will not help) and it will also give me my own space away from the in-laws (we don't get on that well). Hosting Christmas is hard enough as it is without unwanted overnight guests! If I am less stressed then everyone will be less stressed and getting a break from being a hostess overnight will make things alot easier for me.

However DH seems to think this is a bit unreasonable though and feels that we should put them up as it is "the least we can do". I also suspect that the in-laws might not be too happy as when I have tried to encourage them to stay in a hotel before they have resisted - but I just don't see what the problem is.AIBU??

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 27/08/2012 12:15

And those YANBU are the only ones you are ceasing on. You clearly are not willing to accept any possibility that YABU.

You will offend your ILs, you already know that. What a merry Christmas you will all have.

Morloth · 27/08/2012 12:18

So it doesn't really matter whether people here would be offended or not.

You know it will upset them, if you think it is worth it then go for it.

YouOldSlag · 27/08/2012 12:20

OP, I think YANBU. I also think you are me!

When our DS2 was able to use a travel cot, we had overnight guests. Now he is in a bed in his own room, we ask people to stay in a local hotel.

This applies to both sides of the family equally, so neither me nor DH are ever niggled.

Our DCs are 6 and 2 and if they were to share a room for a night (especially Christmas night!) there is no way on earth either they or us would have any peace whatsoever.

The other point is, DH and I have both had our mothers staying in the house and they both drove us insane. We are likely to have a happier stay when they visit all day but give us a few hours respite in the evening.

Both mothers trail us from room to room talking non stop for 12 to 14 hours. Even the kitchen or bathroom wasn't respite. In order to keep our relationships with them going we do the hotel option.

I'm lucky in that DH feels the same and we are both so relieved we don't have to put people up any more (although they are treated warmly during their all day visits).

It's your house and since you'll presumably be running Christmas, I think you can in all honesty speak up and tell your DH what is manageable for you and what will make it all too much.

It's not like you won't be seeing them, you just won't be under the same roof whilst they sleep.

Bearcrumble · 27/08/2012 12:24

I think YANBU - everyone will sleep better and having the night to yourselves will re-charge your hosting batteries.

If your DH insists they stay, tell him he has to re-organise all the rooms and do 50% of all cooking and cleaning while they are with you.

You can go out for walks now and again to get away from them if need be.

SoggySummer · 27/08/2012 12:26

Christmas is just so claustophobic. 2 days pretty much spent couped up in a room with over excited kids, tired adults and nasty farts from all those sprouts.

Even spending it with the people I adore like my BIL and SIL and my own sister and parents - I get to about 3/4pm on Xmas day and feel an urge to escape and have some space.

My ILs are hellish. They expect to be weighted on, criticise my cooking, decorations the kids behaviour - you name it - they have a negative comment on it. Nothing - absolutely nothing myself or DH says has made them change their ways in almost 20 years! They are very stubborn and set in their way - which is the right way and the only way. I have tried every approach over the years - polite ignorance to their criticism, equal sarcsam back, polite confrontation, rude confrontation (am only human) etc etc. They wont change. I have stopped expecting them to change it now and try my best to rub along the best we can for the sake of my DH and my kids.

All the people on this thread suggesting its awful to do the hotel thing probably have a reasonable relationship with their inlaws and cannot understand how "ONLY 2 DAYS" can be so awful.

2 days any other time of the year, when you can break up the day with trips out as a family or you yourself can make polite excuse to pop out to the local shop etc to buy yourself some space, are not there at Xmas. Xmas is being shut in a stuffy room with loads of people, noise and excitement - which even with much loved and cherished people can become a bit much and a vile nightmare with those you dont like.

Why should the OP have a super shit Xmas for the sake of her inlaws. Why is it ok for her to be feeling stressed, under pressure etc??? Why is that OK for her above the ILs being asked to stay in a hotel 5 minutes walk away??? I feel I had my DC first 3 Xmases totally ruined by my ILs - I can never get those 3 xmases back. My ILs were rude, blunt etc and tried to get the Xmas they wanted in my home with me doing all the work. Took 3 Xmases before I was sensible enough to stand up for myself and get DH to realise too that what was being expected of me was not fair game. Things are still not brill but improved. I have compromised - but the point I am trying to make is that the OP deserves a magical nice christmas with her own DC. It may be controversial to say it but the ILS had their Xmases with their own son when he was a child - its now their time to stand back and let their son and the OP have their Xmases the way they want them with their DC. I am not suggesting they dont get a look in, involved etc but that their happiness/wants etc should not over ride the OPs. and her husbands.

If its the Xmas morning excited kids they want - perhaps offer to text them and give them the option to come over. You can stall the kids with their stockings maybe then breakfast or just breakfast.

Our kids have always opened their stockings in our bedroom with us. They bring their stockings from the end of their beds and come into bed with us and open them there - before we go down to do the main gifts later. Mine get "boring stuff" in their stockings too so not much "magic" is lost (for the extended family) - pants, hair bobbles, socks, felt tips etc. We do this even when we have family staying - just me DH and our DC in bed. It gives us time to wake up, relatives time to come too before the big thing. Perhaps something like this may work for you if you need to text them or even if they do end up staying with you.

I am going to be offering the welfare/contact house (live on a forces base) to my relatives this Xmas, which is nowhere near as nice as a hotel - and thats for people I get on wonderfully with.

LadyBeagleEyes · 27/08/2012 12:26

Actually op, maybe you should go to the hotel and leave your dh to it.

angelicstar · 27/08/2012 12:27

ladybeagleeyes - inlaws are both 70 (but a fairly sprightly 70)

OP posts:
Margerykemp · 27/08/2012 12:27

How do you normally cope with your need for your own space when you share a small house with 3 other people?

angelicstar · 27/08/2012 12:28

ladybeagleeyes good idea! - or maybe I should get a suite for the inlaws and dcs and stay at home!

OP posts:
WynkenBlynkenandNod · 27/08/2012 12:28

My Dad and partner one to visit several times a year and go to a local B&B. We do have somewhere they can stay but they prefer to do their own thing . When MIL was alive, PILs also stayed in a B&B. They stayed with us pre children then decided they wanted to stay somewhere local once a baby entered the equation.

I think it very much depends on your family, all mine would definitely prefer a hotel, I would too. But the fact your DH thinks they will be offended is worrying as he knows his parents and their likely reaction. I think I'd go with selling it as a treat but give them the option.

angelicstar · 27/08/2012 12:29

margerykemp

Actually my DH is away a lot so I get a lot of time on my own, but I think that its different when its your husband and children compared to people you don't know as well or get on with as well.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 27/08/2012 12:32

Seriously, I think you need to suck it up for the sake of your DH. Sounds like he wants his parents there at Christmas.

AgentProvocateur · 27/08/2012 12:32

Rude and inhospitable. It's only 48hrs - make an effort for your in-laws! If I was invited, on the condition I stayed in a hotel and only came to your house at pre-determined times, I'd politely decline.

YouOldSlag · 27/08/2012 12:33

Agree with Soggy and Bear.

Why should your needs at Christmas come AFTER what everybody else wants when you're the one doing all the hard work?

The YABU posters definitely haven't got mine or DH's mother as relatives or they would be singing a different song!

It's great to involve ILs in your DC's lives but not at the expense of your own happiness. A hotel, fully paid for, is a great compromise. You only have to say "Now the children have their own rooms, they won't sleep if disrupted, here's a nice hotel on us, come and spend Christmas Day at ours"

bobbledunk · 27/08/2012 12:34

YANBU, I don't understand why anyone would insist on horribly stressful, cramped conditions over the privacy and comfort of a hotel. There's nothing offensive about your wish to put them in a hotel (assuming they want to visit, they may prefer to relax at home!), I think you're being very kind and accommodating in paying for it.

Not everybody can cope with overcrowding and invasion of personal space, the stress of it can bring out the worst in people. There's no point in ruining Christmas with the inevitable tension when there's a perfectly viable alternative.

angelicstar · 27/08/2012 12:35

soggysummer - thanks that is exactly how I feel - maybe you are me!

Agentprovocateur - so you would turn down the chance of a lovely xmas day with your grandchildren and son sjust because you didn't want to stay in a hotel for a couple of night?! - to me that is crazy Confused.

OP posts:
Ithinkitsjustme · 27/08/2012 12:35

What WynkenBlynkenandNod said! For me it would be a perfect solution, I can't imagine anything worse than "making do" with any of my family (and we all get on really, really well) over Christmas - ot makes much more sense to me to stay in a hotel and have that bit of space etc, HOWEVER, in the case of the OP, you know that your in'laws are given teh option they will not want to do it, so YAB a bit U to invite them and then insist on their staying in a hotel that they have made clear they are not happy with. My own parents always stay in a travelodge when they visit my brother and his family while his in-laws prefer to squash in the house with them. I know which my brother (and his wife prefer) but they go along with what makes other people happy because it's actually easier to have a good time of everyone is happy.

If I was the OP I would move the kids round and make room for the in-laws, but I would also ask them to pitch in and help as well. Give them jobs to do and ask them to bring certain things, like the crackers or whatever. Make them feel involved and have a great time.

YouOldSlag · 27/08/2012 12:38

Seriously, I think you need to suck it up for the sake of your DH. Sounds like he wants his parents there at Christmas

He will have his parents there at Christmas, just not when everyone's asleep.
Also, why is DH's Christmas more important than OP's?

AgentProvocateur · 27/08/2012 12:40

I would turn down the chance to spend Christmas with someone who clearly didn't want me there - yes. It's less about the hotel, and more about the message "I don't like you enough to put myself out in any way".

Different if your inlaws suggested the hotel first.

squoosh · 27/08/2012 12:42

Two nights? YA definitely BU.

So your kids will have to share a bedroom, so there might be a queue for the bathroom. Who cares? It's a bit of a frigid invitation in my opinion.

MrsCampbellBlack · 27/08/2012 12:43

I don't think yabu at all. I'd much rather stay in a hotel than be in the way. Guests are great if your house is large enough so there is somewhere to go when you need a little quiet time. Our in-laws used to stay in local b&b when we had a smaller house. Thankfully they now live closer so overnight stays are not necessary and its all a lot easier.

Floggingmolly · 27/08/2012 12:44

Yes, you are. "All the rooms are taken" is not quite the same as "the kids are already sleeping 5 to a bed". Let them share; Christmas is for families.

MissBeehivingUnderTheMistletoe · 27/08/2012 12:51

YANBU. We do similiar with our in laws when they visit - gives everyone a bit of privacy and time to just chill out/get organised whatever and the IL's enjoy having a bit of time away from the DC's to have a nap/read the paper. Really makes Christmas stress free Smile

GP see the children opening their presents on Christmas morning as we stagger the present openings.

OP is being ultra reasonable and generous by paying for the hotel Smile

Driftwood999 · 27/08/2012 12:56

OP, I do get where you are coming from, thinking of the practicalities etc, BUT you are overlooking the following imho:

  1. Letting "your mask slip" may be just what you need and lead to a more intimate relationship with your PILs. Christmas is not about everything being perfect btw, just the opposite if you get down to it. 2) Your dcs will miss out on a perfectly normal experience of sharing a bedroom, and that may deprive them of an opportunity to interact in ways that do not involve you.
Bilbobagginstummy · 27/08/2012 12:59

My grandparents used to stay on a sofa-bed downstairs when they visited. In fact, I think one set of grandparents actually bought the sofa-bed for my parents.

This has the advantages of not requiring anyone to move rooms, but does mean everyone is on top of each other. I think it works best if the sofa-bed is in a separate room from the one everyone spends the day in, so the grandparents can retreat to their own space.

OP, I think YANBU at all (and your in-laws may be relieved) - but having a sofa-bed does give flexibility to have guests you actually want, with less disruption to everyone.